My professional system of procrastinating. Don't get me wrong I always finish what I need to on time but for some reason I work best when the hot breath of an upcoming deadline moistens the back of my neck!
I feel like I'm slowly getting a handle over my thoughts but there's still a story that I hear sometimes. Which comes from a bad childhood and I've only repeated it as I've gotten older, in the form of my reaction to every situation I've ever been in...That story is is pretty much that nobody loves me and everybody leaves me.
I can hear it when my partner is being really genuine and she says something lovely and I respond with "yeah ok" or if I'm complimented, in general.
I think a lot of these things are just stories we're telling about ourselves, to ourselves. It's really difficult, but it can be rewritten.
That must be horrible for you and I do have lots of sympathy for abused children (if that's what you meant with bad child hood), do you feel emotions most of the time or do you try to shut them off? If you feel like sharing of course, I don't mean to be imposing. I'm genuinly interested in what people have to say in response to my threads and I always respond.
I think that if there was a scale of emotions from 1-10, the emotion that I feel is 7-10.
I suppose it's sort of the opposite. I don't feel anything most of the time but I'm slowly...turning them on? I think there's a history of depression in my family, that nobody has ever been open about or tried to really really seek help for. My aunt once told me that my grandmother took a pill every day to stop her from bursting into tears. My aunt herself has fallen into a hole, my mother used to be afraid of leaving the house. As for me, there were a lot of things that shouldn't have happened. And I have only just realized that I've been carrying those events with me and turning every new situation into them.
It's a little strange to me. Like, I don't remember feeling a lot, ever. I remember over thinking and jumping to crazy conclusions but that would never cause a serious emotion? Like, I could get frustrated easily, or annoyed. Then there would be periods where I couldn't get out of bed or do normal things that were good for me. So it's either, I feel absolutely nothing, with a tinge of annoyance, or it's paralyzing.
I'm slowly getting a handle on things in my head. There's memories I have that I know my brain has purposely hid, there are still mornings where it feels like I'm missing a part of myself, sometimes those mornings turn into a month long bender of not getting out of bed. But I'm starting to choose to get rid of the anger and the annoyance. Surprisingly to me, my transition has brought along a little bit of compassion. Not to say I didn't always...care? About people. I do and I have. I think all people deserve wellness. I can understand people's situations and connect to things they've gone through, I just don't really feel empathy. So this new surge of compassion is a little overwhelming. It's only happened twice so far, where I was speaking to my partner about someone important to me and it hurts my heart so badly that that person feels so...gone. Which brings me to tears and that action is startling, to me. But I do consider it to be some sort of personal progress. Aside from those few moments, I'm much less annoyed, but I still feel nothing. So maybe my scale is a little like 6-10 now.
Mostly just minor annoyances at best or thinking about the past. I don't do anything to 'show' anger, mostly just sit there, clenched teeth and trying my hardest to get it to go away quickly. It works, but truly all it does is push it back more so I have something else to deal with in the future.
I can say from personal experience that if its a lot of small things that make you unreasonably angry for the small inconveniences they pose its probably something else that makes you angry. That was true for me at least. I became a much happier person after I found out what it was.
I'm not sure how I go about finding what the root cause of my anger is. I have many things in my life that have impacted me that might be the cause but ultimately, I don't know which causes all this anger. I've been debating going back to therapy for a while and I think I will, just to fix this anger isn't me because it isn't healthy. Like, at all.
When I switch to my worst self I switch to a "Any possible threat is an enemy that must be eliminated," mindset and I lose all control over my emotions while also trying to control everything around me. It's natural for me to manipulate the situation and try and fix any holes in plans and things like that but when I'm at my worst I just go hyperbole.
I guess my worst self would be my obsession with self-control. It prevents me from enjoying most of my social interactions. No matter how much I love someone, the slightest thing not going how it should (in my head) will make me automatically reject them or be extremely uncomfortable if I manage to fight my urge to run away.