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October 16
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My last ditch effort to stay alive

:iconthecunningcondor:
TheCunningCondor Featured By Owner Edited 4 days ago  Professional Digital Artist
I cannot handle the rampant toxicity of todays artists and todays people. Egomania is celebrated, pornography is glorified and pedophilia has been normalized. I have never asked too much from life ever. All I have wanted to do is be a cartoonist. As plain as can be and the world has rewarded me with homelessness, depression, continuous injuries, isolation and hatred from everyone I’ve ever come across.

All I have wanted to do is inspire greatness in other people and they retaliate with relentless hate, even as a child. Everyone everywhere constantly insults my work and tells me to quit and/or kill myself. Support only comes from the insincere with samaritan complexes. Its as if everyone and everything in the world is fighting their damndest to tear me down and laugh at my misfortune and I’m completely fed up with this mass mutual harassment from everyone I come across. 

Why is it that egocentric vile people wind up drawing in crowds of people praising their every action while my honesty and sincerity have only led to people attacking and tormenting me? I cannot keep up thinking that this up and coming generation of humanity is worthy of the earth. I no longer feel love for art because every time I contribute, I am automatically met with hate. Everything is completely backwards and people seem to welcome it.

This persistent pattern of hatred and toxicity has only led to myself becoming infected with hate not just for myself but for humanity and the earth as a whole. I feel as though there is no longer a place for people on this planet and that by staying alive myself I am only being problematic. Art has been the only thing that has brought me peace of mind but now its gotten to the point where the sight of it tears me apart and I cannot avoid it, as its everywhere. Everything has become ugly. In a fit of desperation I suppose I am making one last attempt to seek out some sort of semblance of sincerity and support from people despite never having been so fortunate as to receive it. I do not understand why I have been cursed in this way and I can no longer function properly in this state.
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Devious Comments (Add yours)

:iconjcoolarts:
JCoolArts Featured By Owner 22 hours ago
I never disliked/hated you or your art. To say I care abundantly may be a fraudulent statement in your eyes, since I don't know you well. I was rooting for you to succeed though, hoping you'll get to a good place in life. There's not a whole lot to be said to make better what you feel is wrong.
It is reasonable to say that art is difficult for more reasons than what is immediately visible. Making art exposes ourselves to criticism, much of which will be negative. Once out in the open, the success of an artist's work may hinge on the opinion of the few people who see it first, which will greatly effect all who see it later and read the initial commentary. Those who hate your work, either do so out of jealousy, or are trolls. It takes energy to actively hate something, so a motive to generate that energy must be there. For the most self centered haters, it may come down to them thinking that your failure means one less person competing for viewership online. A crude thought, yet I've seen it in action. Other people get torn down too.

Well, I hope life is good to you and you get to a good place mentally and physically. A helpful thing to remember is that your art, creativity, and your expression, is yours. It doesn't belong to anyone else. You have the final say.
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:iconmike-the-dabbler:
Mike-the-dabbler Featured By Owner 2 days ago
:hug:
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:icongpad:
GPAD Featured By Owner 2 days ago  Student Digital Artist
Idk man. I'm just a lurker but I think you really should learn to take what people give you even if you think they're just doing it for their own self satisfaction. There's probably no one out there who'd help others completely void of motives that might benefit themselves by even a tiny amount. Hell -- I'm only replying because I sincerely find it depressing seeing someone continuously post threads like this.

Sincerity can be nice and all but it isn't always a good thing. Most children have crap drawing skills but that doesn't stop people from going 'wow that looks so nice' to be supportive of them. Being blunt in today's society is neither a good or bad thing by itself; It could go either way, so you should really get out of the mindset that simply being honest necessarily makes you a better person. I can understand that you have little trust in others, but if you continue to act like that to everyone who is either neutral or supportive of you, there'll come a point when people will stop trying.

If the way you've been living isn't working out as well as you want, try something else. Give people the benefit of the doubt and cut connections with people who do you wrong. You can even block me for my earlier remark if you want. You don't have to reply to people you disagree with, especially if you know they're not going to change their mind. And that's perfectly fine. Better, even. It's a lot harder to get out of a negative headspace if you keep having arguments with others, so don't. It's fine if you're arguing with them because they're someone that can actually affect your life, but if it's just some person on the internet then don't bother.
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:iconespectre:
Espectre Featured By Owner 2 days ago
Since more of cartoon animation is made in other countries you would have more luck as sketch artist. If you want to be cartoonist you should start with short animations, projects of your own with the help you can get. You are a great artist, it would be awesome to watch a cartoon made by you. If you make an interesting project you could have help in kickstarter.
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:iconpettaletta101:
pettaletta101 Featured By Owner 2 days ago  Hobbyist Digital Artist
It seems that you're not very open to supportive comments right now but I hope you'll feel better.

On the other hand, I'm going to lay it out straight. What you're saying currently feels very vengeful and pessimistic, like those "vent posts" on social media. To be bluntly honest, you are correct. You are becoming just like those people who are hating on you. Those who lash out because of an inner hatred and suffering that they can't dispose of. Believe me, I know what you mean. Though I create art myself I've lost touch with my art years ago after endless "failures" and judgment. To this day I still have little to no connection to my creations, rather I draw to make other people happy and in my mind it doesn't matter where the art ends up because I don't see the value in it.

I understand that the world culture is ever declining and things aren't as they were years back, but that's something we can not control. Culture and the people connected with it will always change no matter how much you wish and do to stop that. I can't tell you how much I wished some things would go back to the days when people took the time to examine an art piece and to wonder at how it was created rather than judge every single mistake or dislike they see.

I can't offer support and I can't give you a miracle. That I know is true. The only thing I can offer is moments to talk about the deeper meanings of life, what the world has come to, and why are we really here when so much superficial desires exist in our minds. Really, I know what you mean, truly. You can't trust every positive comment in today's environment anymore. It seems so bland and hazy, lackluster and just, void of real integrity. If anything, feel free to express your opinion to me, whatever it may be. I have no reason to judge and no reason to hate.
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:iconthecunningcondor:
TheCunningCondor Featured By Owner 2 days ago  Professional Digital Artist
I just dont understand why everyone hates me so deep,y. I lived and breatheD for making art and when its only met with insults i feel that given how much turmoil ive out into trying to advance as a creator that my life has lost all purpose.
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:iconpettaletta101:
pettaletta101 Featured By Owner 2 days ago  Hobbyist Digital Artist
From what I've seen in your past activities and art posts, what's really going on is that they disapprove of your attitude towards other people's art and how you present yourself in this "terrible" art community. If you do not know why, let me tell you bluntly: Your art is not the target of the insults - your attitude is.
You did indeed lived and breathed art once, but you also lived and breathed the belief that everyone should praise your art even if you have a terrible way of expressing yourself. Yes, of course art should be admired and liked, however no matter how lovely the art is, it will not be appreciated if the person who draws them has the ego and personality of the very people they despise.
I also hear you have a form of art movement? I do not understand what type of movement this is but I do understand that it is one of the things driving people away from the appreciation of your art. Just as it is with religion and culture, you can not force this type of movement on people and expect they will see you as a savior. Although, you may see it as "waking up" that is solely your own opinion and thought. If others do not follow they are not "lowlifes" and they are not "egomaniacs", they are simply being themselves, regular people who will believe what they want to believe.
I can feel that some part of you can't accept the notion that others will retaliate against your movement. That this movement is a part of what defines your art and if they don't believe it, then they don't value your creation. I may be wrong, but it seems prominent in the way you talk about this belief. To be honest with you, having a strong belief is okay. It is alright to indulge in this movement, but you can not make others see what you see through hatred, victimizing, and insults. This is not honesty or sincerity, this would be spite and fearful manipulation.
That is what puts you in the group of "egocentric" and "insincere" people that you hate so much. Rereading your post, it's easy to tell that what you really lack is not sympathy and appreciation, but self reflection on what you really want you and your art to represent.
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:iconthecunningcondor:
TheCunningCondor Featured By Owner 2 days ago  Professional Digital Artist
What art movement? What are you even talking about?
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:iconpettaletta101:
pettaletta101 Featured By Owner 2 days ago  Hobbyist Digital Artist
A few years back, I believe in 2016 and currently in your exit post you talked about "waking up" from something. I don't know if that's what you'd consider the movement but this is what I have to go off of. No matter what it is, just know that what happens in the past affects how people acknowledge you in the future.
Regardless, what I'm saying is that instead of lashing out at "everyone" you could take a moment to reflect on what your artwork means to you and what you truly want to accomplish with your life. As everyone else here has said, it's a good idea to take a break from this hum drum art world if you feel it's done nothing for you.
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:iconthecunningcondor:
TheCunningCondor Featured By Owner 2 days ago  Professional Digital Artist
I dont remember anything that happened in 2016. Sorry.
As for what I want to accomplish, I dont know anymore. All I’ve wanted to do in my life is be a cartoonist but its gotten to a point where it feels humiliating to associate with that crowd. But also without it, i feel empty and dead. Its all ive ever cone with my life. Ive struggled so much to pursue it and now i feel as though my life is sapped of all joy.
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:iconblackcapbandit:
BlackCapBandit Featured By Owner 2 days ago  Student Digital Artist
I've gone through a ton of your drawings and I cant even find a single negative comment
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:iconthecunningcondor:
TheCunningCondor Featured By Owner 2 days ago  Professional Digital Artist
Plus I've had to delete numerous comments.
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:iconthecunningcondor:
TheCunningCondor Featured By Owner 2 days ago  Professional Digital Artist
Of course they aren't going to approach me directly. But ask anyone who's ever met me and they have nothing but hateful things to say.
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:iconblackcapbandit:
BlackCapBandit Featured By Owner 2 days ago  Student Digital Artist
Hateful things like what?
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:iconthecunningcondor:
TheCunningCondor Featured By Owner 2 days ago  Professional Digital Artist
Grouping together and saying how my work is terrible, that i should kill myself, fabricating slander on me, doxxing me, etc.
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:iconblackcapbandit:
BlackCapBandit Featured By Owner 2 days ago  Student Digital Artist
Why would you take them serious? I get random notes from trolls telling me to kill myself or that they hope my family dies. I know others get it too. No big deal, people be like that:shrug:
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:iconthecunningcondor:
TheCunningCondor Featured By Owner 2 days ago  Professional Digital Artist
Its been at such volumes for such a long time. The world is backwards. Life is a curse. Everyone should die.
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(1 Reply)
:iconblackcapbandit:
BlackCapBandit Featured By Owner 2 days ago  Student Digital Artist
''I just dont understand why everyone hates me so deeply''


Who though? Who is this everyone that hates you? If you don't have a long list of people that say they hate you (with valid reasons) then you're just being dramatic.
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:iconmoxiee:
moxiee Featured By Owner 3 days ago  Student Traditional Artist
I want to know what they say to tear you down.
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:iconnarutopass2:
narutopass2 Featured By Owner 3 days ago
All you can do is draw what you enjoy. I know it's easier said than done, especially dince i'm not in your shoes...but why do you care about what people say? Or the recognition they get for their artwork? I know social media has changed every industry on Earth (to the point where there are dentist and therapist who are social media stars), but I hope you find peace and comfort in your art in the future. I don't know if you make money from your work, but if you can maybe you should go 1-2 months without posting any art online. Draw strictly for yourself and not to post online and maybe it'll help reset how you once felt
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:iconthecunningcondor:
TheCunningCondor Featured By Owner 3 days ago  Professional Digital Artist
I no longer find joy in art. Everything about it just reminds me of the shit I've been through. I just want everything to die off.
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:iconkaizenkitty:
KaizenKitty Featured By Owner 3 days ago  Professional Writer
it's cause you focus too much on the negative and you routinely ignore all the positive and neutral feedback you are getting. i can say for certain that not everyone hates you, and not everyone harasses you, that there are some people who like what you do (or are neutral to it). i would say focus more on those people. focus on the positive feedback you receive, and ignore the negative feedback.
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sometimes that is the wrong thing to do (sometimes listening to critics can be good), ......but in your particular case, i feel like you are already being so critical of yourself and so hard on yourself, that you don't need any more criticism from outside to grow as an artist. so yeah, it is okay to indulge a little in the positive feedback you get. sometimes it makes sense to block out all negativity in your life and focus on moving forward.
.
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do the things that make you happy. if that isn't art, that's okay too. i like knitting and going on long walks in natural parks (hiking). has literally nothing to do with art, but it makes me happy so i do it. :shrug: sometimes you just need to recharge. i feel so emotionally drained after penning a chapter, that i sometimes just cant write for weeks..... and need to take that break. for my own health.
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and im saying this as someone who used to have very low self esteem and went through (and recovered from) depression. it is possible to recover. it's not easy. but it is a possibility. definitely.
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:iconthecunningcondor:
TheCunningCondor Featured By Owner 3 days ago  Professional Digital Artist
Art used to make me happy but seeing it be repeatedly tainted has begun to destroy my ability to find peace of mind in creating. And it was all I had in life
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:iconkaizenkitty:
KaizenKitty Featured By Owner 3 days ago  Professional Writer
ok. find other things to enjoy. life has a lot to offer. falling out of love with something you used to enjoy can happen. this could be a temporary thing. still not a bad idea to try out something else, like taking on any other hobby.....[ive already mentioned knitting and hiking.... idk. sports really helped me through some difficult times mentally -- helped to switch off the brain and unload in physical exercise. really exhaust myself physically by working out...there's long distance running/jogging, that can be done in open air, outdoors.... so it's also safe in social distanced times...]
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:icongoblinhikikomori:
GoblinHikikomori Featured By Owner 3 days ago  Hobbyist
Try leftism.
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:iconluckycloversart:
LuckyCloversArt Featured By Owner 3 days ago  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
cant exactly help You but have some favs- You got awsome art style Wink/RazzHeart Hug
 4leaf Clover Emoji 4leaf Clover Emoji 4leaf Clover Emoji 4leaf Clover Emoji 4leaf Clover Emoji 
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:iconsatans-comrade:
Satans-Comrade Featured By Owner 4 days ago
Let's steal a rocket and get off this crazy planet! #1 
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:iconthecunningcondor:
TheCunningCondor Featured By Owner 4 days ago  Professional Digital Artist
This i can get behind.
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:iconwolflich:
Wolflich Featured By Owner 4 days ago  Hobbyist Digital Artist
What do you mean by 'support'? Like others here I would have thought the best way to get that would be via therapy, but you don't seem to want that. What is it you think people here can offer you that's more effective than professional help?
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:iconthecunningcondor:
TheCunningCondor Featured By Owner 4 days ago  Professional Digital Artist
Thats why i feel stuck.
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:iconwolflich:
Wolflich Featured By Owner 4 days ago  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Well, if you don't actually have anything else in mind, I guess you might as well at least try therapy. Like ok, it costs money, you don't trust it, etc. but if this is a 'last ditch effort to stay alive' then you have literally nothing to lose that you wouldn't already lose if you don't find an alternative.
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:iconniotabunny:
niotabunny Featured By Owner 4 days ago
going cliche! take a break from the net, too much negative causes negative.  therapy can help, there are options and variables due to the pandemic.  but they are just words on a screen, if they are telling you that to your face well maybe they don't know good art.

in the past decade the younger crowd has gone toxic and dangerous and slowly been sucking those around them into the pit/rut.  try to think positive thoughts.  try to do positive things.  I rather enjoy wondering around in a forest, just remember to keep note of your surroundings, keep to the trails, have gear and phone in case of emergency... if that's not your thing then find something else that's soothing, calming and peaceful.  unplugging is healthy.  meditation...
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:iconthecunningcondor:
TheCunningCondor Featured By Owner 4 days ago  Professional Digital Artist
Therapists demand money. I dont trust them.
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:iconkaizenkitty:
KaizenKitty Featured By Owner 3 days ago  Professional Writer
thats cause they offer a service. just like doctors who take care of your physical health, therapists offer treatments and solutions to improve mental health. and they study psychology for years before practicing, so they do actually know what they are doing. although yeah, like with physicians, there's good doctors and not-so-good doctors. there's great therapists and just your average run-of-the-mill therapists who did not pay attention in college and got bad grades and do not understand human psychology very well... it can be tough to find a good one. (a useful therapist).
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:iconniotabunny:
niotabunny Featured By Owner 4 days ago
got that right, and when you find the right one, your insurance be like, nope move along! that's why I rely on finding my happy place as they would say, one thing I learned about the pandemic, I don't need a therapist. and I strongly recommend to anyone to know yourself, your situation, other before you come to the same conclusion. not all minds, disorders, other are the same as they say.
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:iconthecunningcondor:
TheCunningCondor Featured By Owner 4 days ago  Professional Digital Artist
My situation is enraging.
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:iconblackcapbandit:
BlackCapBandit Featured By Owner 4 days ago  Student Digital Artist
Also I suggest taking a break from the internet if this is actually how you feel, seeing as the internet can kinda be the embodiment of 'toxicity' and stuff. Will only do you good.
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:iconblackcapbandit:
BlackCapBandit Featured By Owner 4 days ago  Student Digital Artist
We live in a cruel world
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:iconrasherusuzie:
RasheruSuzie Featured By Owner 4 days ago  Professional Digital Artist
I doubt a dA forum will be able to help you, but for what it's worth I don't hate you. If you're able to see a therapist they'll surely be a lot more help than anyone here. I know it's difficult but sometimes it's a matter of changing your perspective and attitude. Hope you feel better soon ^^b
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:iconthecunningcondor:
TheCunningCondor Featured By Owner 4 days ago  Professional Digital Artist
I know better than to trust therapists.
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:iconrasherusuzie:
RasheruSuzie Featured By Owner 4 days ago  Professional Digital Artist
? some therapists aren't a good match but you just gotta try a few different ones. Someone I know also thought they were all useless until she found one whose style really clicked with her.
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:iconthecunningcondor:
TheCunningCondor Featured By Owner 4 days ago  Professional Digital Artist
I cant trust anyone who claims to want to help others if a transaction is involved. If there is a method of contacting a professional psychiatrist that doesnt involve money, I’d appreciate it.
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:iconrasherusuzie:
RasheruSuzie Featured By Owner 4 days ago  Professional Digital Artist
I know what you mean, but do you also not go to the doctor, dentist, or any other paid professional? They chose the job because it was something they were interested in, but it's something they studied (and paid big bucks to study) for years so why shouldn't they be remunerated?
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:iconthecunningcondor:
TheCunningCondor Featured By Owner 4 days ago  Professional Digital Artist
A dentists work shows clear results. A therapists‘ results are subjective. Not to mention many of them are simply anti depressant salesmen
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:iconrasherusuzie:
RasheruSuzie Featured By Owner 4 days ago  Professional Digital Artist
While I can see how some areas can be subjective, I wouldn't say it was subjective how my therapist helped me out of frequent panic attacks and agoraphobia by teaching me tricks and helping me understand my own brain.

But I don't see myself convincing you, your mind it set, so my next question is what you hope the dA forums can accomplish for you. It's a "help" forum, but what results did you expect when posting your thread? People might say they've experienced something similar, or they might offer you sympathy, but that might only make you feel better for a little bit, if it does.

We can't provide a community without toxicity, we can't make you a successful cartoonist. The nature of the community is out of anyone's control, and your career is to an extent up to you but not entirely in your control either (because it requires other people to hire you as well). All you can do is minimize your contact with toxicity, and work on your response to it.
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:iconcatharsisgaze:
CatharsisGaze Featured By Owner 4 days ago  Professional General Artist
The brain is an organ like any other and can develop damage, so a therapist's work does not necessarily lead to subjective results just because brain changes are hard to measure (apparently SPECT scans can do that but they aren't widely available unfortunately).

Reprogramming the brain by therapy, lifestyle changes, medication and/ or slow gradual mindset shifts are pretty much the only options we have at the moment.
Yes, some therapists rely heavily on medication because they don't see much hope for the people they work with to deal with the pain of acutely difficult mental states. This is their way of attempting to help them. Some people become therapists because they had to endure traumatic events themselves and want to help as much as possible because they know the pain themselves.

In my experience, therapists are doing their best and I will forever be grateful to these people.
For one, they saved someone dear to me after they made a suicide attempt and now that person is living a stable, great life. And psychologists helped me as well with getting through dark times.
I have nothing tangible to gain from writing in your thread, I could just ignore it and work on my projects right now.

I don't hate you.
What you say is not personal but a reflection of your pain and I hope you will get through this.
However, no one can help you if you don't allow them to help you.

I'm not going to say more than this, it is up to you to choose how to change your life. 
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:iconthecunningcondor:
TheCunningCondor Featured By Owner 4 days ago  Professional Digital Artist
Not everyones life is in their hands. Besides, i dont even have therapy money anyway. So i guess “im not worthy”.
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(1 Reply)
:iconclumsysquid:
ClumsySquid Featured By Owner 4 days ago  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Oh, and the fact that you threaten people with suicide is absolutely disgusting.
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:iconthecunningcondor:
TheCunningCondor Featured By Owner 4 days ago  Professional Digital Artist
The threat is to myself. Please stop attacking me. I don’t understand how you can be content with this behavior of yours. Its putrid and shameful.
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:iconclumsysquid:
ClumsySquid Featured By Owner 4 days ago  Hobbyist Digital Artist
You are turning yourself into a victim while you have exhibited nothing but loathing and manipulative groans towards people who really wanted to help.
You are the only one who can help yourself.
I don't know what else to do with you.
You might be a lost case.
Or maybe you will benefit from this.
Hopefully you will. I wouldn't want anyone to get hurt.
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