suicidal thoughts, don't know how to dodge
tw ofc, and please don't come at me with some transphobic comments or anything, it's unnecessary. just want to rant a bit.
i'm very unhappy where i'm at in life. i'm currently forced to live with my family, because i gave up my apartment to study before the pandemic begun - i'm of course thankful there's a roof over my head, i got time for hobbies, get fed every day, etc. i'm living the dream compared to some unlucky people, but it's useless.
i've reached out to a therapist, and will go again for the first time in over a year, in a few days. i know i'll limit my venting, and won't be honest, i've never been. therapy always made me feel worse in the past, even when i changed therapists to talk to.
i have begun having horrible dysmorphia + dysphoria again*, i have no idea what i look like anymore, and when i get a glimpse of my body, i don't feel attached or like i belong in it. it's not that i want to transition into something/someone else, i don't feel like anything. either gender doesn't match how i feel personally. i'm probably nonbinary, but i don't want to face the harassment and bullying people like me face when they publicly announce they identify as something else.
(for context i did actually come out as nb in the past, but was ridiculed by family, so i reverted back in shame.)
don't know how much longer i can handle it all, i doubt i've got the energy to make it another year or so, we'll see...
that's depressing lmao soz
adding on even more depressing shit, i have an urge to give away my stuff, plus sending my family all of my savings, so they don't go elsewhere for some reason
i'm very unhappy where i'm at in life. i'm currently forced to live with my family, because i gave up my apartment to study before the pandemic begun - i'm of course thankful there's a roof over my head, i got time for hobbies, get fed every day, etc. i'm living the dream compared to some unlucky people, but it's useless.
i've reached out to a therapist, and will go again for the first time in over a year, in a few days. i know i'll limit my venting, and won't be honest, i've never been. therapy always made me feel worse in the past, even when i changed therapists to talk to.
i have begun having horrible dysmorphia + dysphoria again*, i have no idea what i look like anymore, and when i get a glimpse of my body, i don't feel attached or like i belong in it. it's not that i want to transition into something/someone else, i don't feel like anything. either gender doesn't match how i feel personally. i'm probably nonbinary, but i don't want to face the harassment and bullying people like me face when they publicly announce they identify as something else.
(for context i did actually come out as nb in the past, but was ridiculed by family, so i reverted back in shame.)
don't know how much longer i can handle it all, i doubt i've got the energy to make it another year or so, we'll see...
that's depressing lmao soz
adding on even more depressing shit, i have an urge to give away my stuff, plus sending my family all of my savings, so they don't go elsewhere for some reason
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1. Write down your goals.
2. Confront your $!$#@#@. fears, lusts, etc (
3. work on your goals.
Want to commit suicide well I have the alternative for you.
Why not just work towards a job where you can come in late and leave early.
Like you could be a surgeon but be a surgeon who is fired.
You could be a cyber security officer and do a bad job and get fired.
You could be a 911 operator and get fired.
You could make children and not be responsible and go off the radar.
Seriously do anything else but kill yourself because that is what your enemies want from you the most.
2. Confront your $!$#@#@. fears, lusts, etc (
3. work on your goals.
Want to commit suicide well I have the alternative for you.
Why not just work towards a job where you can come in late and leave early.
Like you could be a surgeon but be a surgeon who is fired.
You could be a cyber security officer and do a bad job and get fired.
You could be a 911 operator and get fired.
You could make children and not be responsible and go off the radar.
Seriously do anything else but kill yourself because that is what your enemies want from you the most.
It's a negative thought, you know even strong person can become weak when let negativity inside you.
So is the case with you.
Just tell yourself that you have to be positive and I don't care If I lose anything, I will be fine.
More importantly, Pray Jesus Christ, he will fill your life with unlimited and unconditional love and you will be a source of positive energy to many people whoever suffers like you and you will help them
So is the case with you.
Just tell yourself that you have to be positive and I don't care If I lose anything, I will be fine.
More importantly, Pray Jesus Christ, he will fill your life with unlimited and unconditional love and you will be a source of positive energy to many people whoever suffers like you and you will help them
You can't dodge them, but sharing your problems with people is an important step in curing depression.
that's true. ty
I hope your doing ok. I just saw this on the forums and I feel you but fyi YOU'RE WORTH IT <3 ik its cheesy and all but its true and you seem really chill, like id be friends with you also I love ur art it makes me happy cuz Its got a good vibe and the style is very unique and pretty(: if you wanna talk about anything or just vent to a random stranger on the internet my messages are always open!
I'll start by suggesting you don't worry about picking a gender. This thing we're doing as a society where everyone is expected to choose a gender label, choose a sexuality, pick a side - it's nonsense. It's tribalistic bull**** and, when you look behind it, you'll usually find someone that profits by it. Ugh.
The truth is, all that stuff falls on a spectrum. In the same way labeling every possible color is an impossible task, labeling each, individual identity is an exercise in futility. You're not a single color. No one is. We're each a palette; an ever-changing collection of thoughts and experiences. The only label you need is your name, and even that you can ultimately pick for yourself.
When you're back out of that house (and you will be) and this pandemic has passed (and it will pass) you can begin the long, frequently treacherous path of finding kindred people. This people won't give a flying **** what you are, just so long as you are yourself. We're out there. Lots of us.
The suicide's got to be a no go, but no one else can make that call. I've tried it myself several times, only to end up with massive medical debt. Understand, as best you can, that *everything* is temporary. Everything. All of it passes, even when it feels like it wont. On the other side of this darkness are moments of clarity, of love, of joy, of beauty, and more darkness. That future darkness passes, too.
Now, the only practical advice I can offer is this: make a habit of meditating. No matter how frustrating it is, do it. 10-15 minutes every day. It's an essential practice with a practical purpose: it trains you to control your own thoughts, and it trains you to be fully present. Those are vital skills when dealing with dysmorphia, depression, anxiety, difficult people, hard times, and everything in between. Plenty of real science backs it. Dig in. You won't regret it.
As for your family, well, that one's tough. I found much of mine to be quite toxic and, even though I love them very much and am sure that they love me, I had to distance myself. It's okay to keep yourself safe. It's okay to choose to surround yourself with positive, supportive people. In short **** those *******; choose your family. They're out there. There's plenty of love out there, and plenty of it has your name all over it.
It's an unusual difficult time right now. Bear that in mind.
Much love. Don't let life beat you.
The truth is, all that stuff falls on a spectrum. In the same way labeling every possible color is an impossible task, labeling each, individual identity is an exercise in futility. You're not a single color. No one is. We're each a palette; an ever-changing collection of thoughts and experiences. The only label you need is your name, and even that you can ultimately pick for yourself.
When you're back out of that house (and you will be) and this pandemic has passed (and it will pass) you can begin the long, frequently treacherous path of finding kindred people. This people won't give a flying **** what you are, just so long as you are yourself. We're out there. Lots of us.
The suicide's got to be a no go, but no one else can make that call. I've tried it myself several times, only to end up with massive medical debt. Understand, as best you can, that *everything* is temporary. Everything. All of it passes, even when it feels like it wont. On the other side of this darkness are moments of clarity, of love, of joy, of beauty, and more darkness. That future darkness passes, too.
Now, the only practical advice I can offer is this: make a habit of meditating. No matter how frustrating it is, do it. 10-15 minutes every day. It's an essential practice with a practical purpose: it trains you to control your own thoughts, and it trains you to be fully present. Those are vital skills when dealing with dysmorphia, depression, anxiety, difficult people, hard times, and everything in between. Plenty of real science backs it. Dig in. You won't regret it.
As for your family, well, that one's tough. I found much of mine to be quite toxic and, even though I love them very much and am sure that they love me, I had to distance myself. It's okay to keep yourself safe. It's okay to choose to surround yourself with positive, supportive people. In short **** those *******; choose your family. They're out there. There's plenty of love out there, and plenty of it has your name all over it.
It's an unusual difficult time right now. Bear that in mind.
Much love. Don't let life beat you.
you don't have to make any public announcements. the most important part is accepting yourself. and then it won't matter what someone else says, because what they say does not define who you are. although yeah it can be painful to hear unpleasant things on a daily basis.
that's true, it's just that i want my family to know at some point i suppose - i'm in no rush though
This isn't advice that everyone will be ready to follow, but when you're spending a lot of time with people that you at least trust enough to feed you ... they probably aren't out to get you. Actually, maybe they actually don't get you, and maybe you don't get them. Maybe you can find an icebreaker, maybe you can play that board game you used to play, or UNO or, whatever. Maybe it'll cheer you both up if you both want it to. Everyone is having a hard time right now, and it's no fun being happy when people around you aren't too... like the chicken and egg question.
that's very true. i did tell my mother briefly about my troubles, because she didn't want me to keep to myself, she's supportive but has this undertone of disappointment, i suppose. i know almost everything turns out fine, no matter how bad it seems at first, so at least there's that...
ty ty, i've promised myself to at least try
A good conversation is like the opposite of a rap battle, if that helps.
hope you are will be fine. As a personal experience try to talk with some good friends about it.
i will, thank u
if you want to talk and share any thing feel free to contact me
thank you!
I just checked your profile. you are just an amazing artist.
With the exception of the dysphoria (though I've been feeling more androgynous lately too and have considered hysterectomy etc) this is strangely one of the most relatable things I've read lately. I wish I could help you more. I can't stop thinking about suicide, like it's hypothetical rn but still very invasive ... I'm sorry ... all I can do is relate, I wish I could give advice. But if you ever need someone to vent to I'm here to listen. I don't judge anyone. And let me just say it's extremely brave to talk about it at all. Suicidal people, they don't usually want to reach out, because they automatically feel like they'll be turned away ... at least that's how it is for me. I feel like my friends would hate me if they knew anything about me, like somehow my mere existence as a person in my state of life is hurting others, and my family always reacts badly if I talk about it. With therapists I relate to you 100% ... I feel like I'm paying a fortune for them to tell me pretty lies ... sorry to ramble. You aren't alone.
thank u... i don't mind rambling, i find it a bit comforting that someone relates so much. for me, i do want to reach out regardless, but it's gotten to the point where i don't want to get better. it's sort of a 50/50 thing, part of me is apathetic and doesn't care enough, part of me is begging for help LOL
Sigh. Again, I totally relate. "it's sort of a 50/50 thing, part of me is apathetic and doesn't care enough, part of me is begging for help LOL" Yes. I know this feeling (or lack thereof) as well; it sucks.
I'm glad I could help, even if it's only a little. Stay strong; I believe in you.
hey, please live. 
Why did therapy made you feel worse? That makes no sense. Before you choose ANY therapist, I would suggest a cognitive-behavioural one. That's the kind of therapy you probably need.
I am really sorry your family couldn't understand you with something like that. Don't be too harsh on them - if it's confusing for you, imagine how confusing it can be to them. Best advice I can give you is to dress and look androgyne. Neither a man, nor a woman. That's the best you can do for now.
I am really sorry your family couldn't understand you with something like that. Don't be too harsh on them - if it's confusing for you, imagine how confusing it can be to them. Best advice I can give you is to dress and look androgyne. Neither a man, nor a woman. That's the best you can do for now.