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September 14
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suicidal thoughts, don't know how to dodge

:iconalexanderdesade:
AlexanderDeSade Featured By Owner Edited Sep 14, 2020  Hobbyist Digital Artist
tw ofc, and please don't come at me with some transphobic comments or anything, it's unnecessary. just want to rant a bit.

i'm very unhappy where i'm at in life. i'm currently forced to live with my family, because i gave up my apartment to study before the pandemic begun - i'm of course thankful there's a roof over my head, i got time for hobbies, get fed every day, etc. i'm living the dream compared to some unlucky people, but it's useless. 

i've reached out to a therapist, and will go again for the first time in over a year, in a few days. i know i'll limit my venting, and won't be honest, i've never been. therapy always made me feel worse in the past, even when i changed therapists to talk to. 

i have begun having horrible dysmorphia + dysphoria again*, i have no idea what i look like anymore, and when i get a glimpse of my body, i don't feel attached or like i belong in it. it's not that i want to transition into something/someone else, i don't feel like anything. either gender doesn't match how i feel personally. i'm probably nonbinary, but i don't want to face the harassment and bullying people like me face when they publicly announce they identify as something else.
(for context i did actually come out as nb in the past, but was ridiculed by family, so i reverted back in shame.)
don't know how much longer i can handle it all, i doubt i've got the energy to make it another year or so, we'll see...

that's depressing lmao soz


adding on even more depressing shit, i have an urge to give away my stuff, plus sending my family all of my savings, so they don't go elsewhere for some reason
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Devious Comments (Add yours)

:icongametrek:
GameTrek Featured By Owner 6 days ago  Professional General Artist
1. Write down your goals.
2. Confront your $!$#@#@.  fears, lusts, etc (
3. work on your goals.


Want to commit suicide well I have the alternative for you.
Why not just work towards a job where you can come in late and leave early.

Like you could be a surgeon but be a surgeon who is fired.
You could be a cyber security officer and do a bad job and get fired.
You could be a 911 operator and get fired.
You could make children and not be responsible and go off the radar.

Seriously do anything else but kill yourself because that is what your enemies want from you the most.
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:icondevieric:
DeviEric Featured By Owner Sep 19, 2020
It's a negative thought, you know even strong person can become weak when let negativity inside you.
So is the case with you.

Just tell yourself that you have to be positive and I don't care If I lose anything, I will be fine.

More importantly, Pray Jesus Christ, he will fill your life with unlimited and unconditional love and you will be a source of positive energy to many people whoever suffers like you and you will help them ;)
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:icondqube:
dqube Featured By Owner Sep 18, 2020  Hobbyist Digital Artist
You can't dodge them, but sharing your problems with people is an important step in curing depression.
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:iconalexanderdesade:
AlexanderDeSade Featured By Owner Sep 18, 2020  Hobbyist Digital Artist
that's true. ty
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:iconlinxminx:
linxminx Featured By Owner Sep 16, 2020  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I hope your doing ok. I just saw this on the forums and I feel you but fyi YOU'RE WORTH IT <3  ik its cheesy and all but its true and you seem really chill, like id be friends with you also I love ur art it makes me happy cuz Its got a good vibe and the style is very unique and pretty(: if you wanna talk about anything or just vent to a random stranger on the internet my messages are always open!
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:icondrakensson:
Drakensson Featured By Owner Sep 15, 2020
Aliens Aliens Aliens 
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:iconmrkgst:
MRKGST Featured By Owner Sep 15, 2020  New Deviant Professional General Artist
I'll start by suggesting you don't worry about picking a gender. This thing we're doing as a society where everyone is expected to choose a gender label, choose a sexuality, pick a side - it's nonsense. It's tribalistic bull**** and, when you look behind it, you'll usually find someone that profits by it. Ugh.

The truth is, all that stuff falls on a spectrum. In the same way labeling every possible color is an impossible task, labeling each, individual identity is an exercise in futility. You're not a single color. No one is. We're each a palette; an ever-changing collection of thoughts and experiences. The only label you need is your name, and even that you can ultimately pick for yourself.

When you're back out of that house (and you will be) and this pandemic has passed (and it will pass) you can begin the long, frequently treacherous path of finding kindred people. This people won't give a flying **** what you are, just so long as you are yourself. We're out there. Lots of us.

The suicide's got to be a no go, but no one else can make that call. I've tried it myself several times, only to end up with massive medical debt. Understand, as best you can, that *everything* is temporary. Everything. All of it passes, even when it feels like it wont. On the other side of this darkness are moments of clarity, of love, of joy, of beauty, and more darkness. That future darkness passes, too.

Now, the only practical advice I can offer is this: make a habit of meditating. No matter how frustrating it is, do it. 10-15 minutes every day. It's an essential practice with a practical purpose: it trains you to control your own thoughts, and it trains you to be fully present. Those are vital skills when dealing with dysmorphia, depression, anxiety, difficult people, hard times, and everything in between. Plenty of real science backs it. Dig in. You won't regret it.

As for your family, well, that one's tough. I found much of mine to be quite toxic and, even though I love them very much and am sure that they love me, I had to distance myself. It's okay to keep yourself safe. It's okay to choose to surround yourself with positive, supportive people. In short **** those *******; choose your family. They're out there. There's plenty of love out there, and plenty of it has your name all over it.

It's an unusual difficult time right now. Bear that in mind. 

Much love. Don't let life beat you.
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:iconkaizenkitty:
KaizenKitty Featured By Owner Sep 15, 2020  Professional Writer
you don't have to make any public announcements. the most important part is accepting yourself. and then it won't matter what someone else says, because what they say does not define who you are. although yeah it can be painful to hear unpleasant things on a daily basis.
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:iconalexanderdesade:
AlexanderDeSade Featured By Owner Sep 15, 2020  Hobbyist Digital Artist
that's true, it's just that i want my family to know at some point i suppose - i'm in no rush though
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:iconnichtgraveyet:
nichtgraveyet Featured By Owner Sep 15, 2020   Photographer
This isn't advice that everyone will be ready to follow, but when you're spending a lot of time with people that you at least trust enough to feed you ... they probably aren't out to get you. Actually, maybe they actually don't get you, and maybe you don't get them. Maybe you can find an icebreaker, maybe you can play that board game you used to play, or UNO or, whatever. Maybe it'll cheer you both up if you both want it to. Everyone is having a hard time right now, and it's no fun being happy when people around you aren't too... like the chicken and egg question.
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:iconalexanderdesade:
AlexanderDeSade Featured By Owner Sep 15, 2020  Hobbyist Digital Artist
that's very true. i did tell my mother briefly about my troubles, because she didn't want me to keep to myself, she's supportive but has this undertone of disappointment, i suppose. i know almost everything turns out fine, no matter how bad it seems at first, so at least there's that...
ty ty, i've promised myself to at least try
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:iconnichtgraveyet:
nichtgraveyet Featured By Owner Sep 15, 2020   Photographer
A good conversation is like the opposite of a rap battle, if that helps.
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:icongrac3mathews:
Grac3Mathews Featured By Owner Sep 15, 2020  New Deviant
hope you are will be fine. As a personal experience try to talk with some good friends about it. 
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:iconalexanderdesade:
AlexanderDeSade Featured By Owner Sep 15, 2020  Hobbyist Digital Artist
i will, thank u
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:icongrac3mathews:
Grac3Mathews Featured By Owner Sep 16, 2020  New Deviant
if you want to talk and share any thing feel free to contact me
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:iconalexanderdesade:
AlexanderDeSade Featured By Owner Sep 18, 2020  Hobbyist Digital Artist
thank you!
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:icongrac3mathews:
Grac3Mathews Featured By Owner Sep 19, 2020  New Deviant
I just checked your profile. you are just an amazing artist.
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:iconrenewededen:
RenewedEden Featured By Owner Sep 14, 2020  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
With the exception of the dysphoria (though I've been feeling more androgynous lately too and have considered hysterectomy etc) this is strangely one of the most relatable things I've read lately. I wish I could help you more. I can't stop thinking about suicide, like it's hypothetical rn but still very invasive ... I'm sorry ... all I can do is relate, I wish I could give advice. But if you ever need someone to vent to I'm here to listen. I don't judge anyone. And let me just say it's extremely brave to talk about it at all. Suicidal people, they don't usually want to reach out, because they automatically feel like they'll be turned away ... at least that's how it is for me. I feel like my friends would hate me if they knew anything about me, like somehow my mere existence as a person in my state of life is hurting others, and my family always reacts badly if I talk about it. With therapists I relate to you 100% ... I feel like I'm paying a fortune for them to tell me pretty lies ... sorry to ramble. You aren't alone.
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:iconalexanderdesade:
AlexanderDeSade Featured By Owner Sep 15, 2020  Hobbyist Digital Artist
thank u... i don't mind rambling, i find it a bit comforting that someone relates so much. for me, i do want to reach out regardless, but it's gotten to the point where i don't want to get better. it's sort of a 50/50 thing, part of me is apathetic and doesn't care enough, part of me is begging for help LOL
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:iconrenewededen:
RenewedEden Featured By Owner Sep 15, 2020  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Sigh. Again, I totally relate. "it's sort of a 50/50 thing, part of me is apathetic and doesn't care enough, part of me is begging for help LOL" Yes. I know this feeling (or lack thereof) as well; it sucks.
I'm glad I could help, even if it's only a little. Stay strong; I believe in you.
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:iconkaizenkitty:
KaizenKitty Featured By Owner Sep 15, 2020  Professional Writer
hey, please live. :O
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:iconrenewededen:
RenewedEden Featured By Owner Sep 15, 2020  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
:'c
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:iconkaizenkitty:
KaizenKitty Featured By Owner Sep 15, 2020  Professional Writer
:comfort:
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:iconalex-crocodylia:
alex-crocodylia Featured By Owner Sep 14, 2020  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Why did therapy made you feel worse? That makes no sense. Before you choose ANY therapist, I would suggest a cognitive-behavioural one. That's the kind of therapy you probably need. 

I am really sorry your family couldn't understand you with something like that. Don't be too harsh on them - if it's confusing for you, imagine how confusing it can be to them. Best advice I can give you is to dress and look androgyne. Neither a man, nor a woman. That's the best you can do for now. 
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:iconrenewededen:
RenewedEden Featured By Owner Sep 14, 2020  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
cognitive-behavioural therapists are absolutely horrible. I saw one, she made me hate myself more. She wasn't bad and was just doing her dob; it just really didn't help. To many suicidal people, therapy feels like you're paying a fortune to hear pretty lies. Unless you get really lucky it doesn't help.
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:iconkaizenkitty:
KaizenKitty Featured By Owner Sep 15, 2020  Professional Writer
ehhhh i think she was not a very good therapist. yeah it can be tough to find a therapist who can actually help.
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:iconrenewededen:
RenewedEden Featured By Owner Sep 15, 2020  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Yeah ... maybe not. I specifically did not like her approach.
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:iconalex-crocodylia:
alex-crocodylia Featured By Owner Sep 15, 2020  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I'm sorry you had bad experiences. Unfortunately it changes from person to person and I've heard many people saying the opposite.
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:iconrenewededen:
RenewedEden Featured By Owner Sep 15, 2020  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
True. I hope that I can actually find a good one someday.
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:iconalexanderdesade:
AlexanderDeSade Featured By Owner Sep 14, 2020  Hobbyist Digital Artist
i did go to a CBT therapist, made some progress mainly in social anxiety, etc. but it kind of got slowed down, as she fell ill and i had to see another therapist for a bit, we never picked up where i left off with that woman, but had to start over. when i would bring up my suicidal thoughts, plans, etc. they would dismiss it and try speaking about other things (unrelated, as well) - i never felt cared for, in care. i hope it'll be better this time, though.
i totally understand how weird it must've been back (7 years ago) when i first came out, but i don't think they took me as serious, as i was younger then. it's far more official now, and i really hope they'll take it well...
thank you, i'm quite androgynous as it is thankfully
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:iconalex-crocodylia:
alex-crocodylia Featured By Owner Sep 15, 2020  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I can assure you therapy does help, but therapy work exactly like friends, you can't be comfortable with everyone and you have to choose the ones you actually trust. It's a treasure hunt you have to do, but believe me, it's worth it.
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:iconalexanderdesade:
AlexanderDeSade Featured By Owner Sep 15, 2020  Hobbyist Digital Artist
i'll try, at least... it just feels like such a long process to find a therapist that i'll be comfortable enough with, i guess :'-(
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:iconalex-crocodylia:
alex-crocodylia Featured By Owner Edited Sep 15, 2020  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
My advice is to look for therapists up on the internet see the reviews. That's what I did!
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:iconmelianmarionette:
MelianMarionette Featured By Owner Sep 14, 2020  Hobbyist General Artist
You did the right thing.  Thank you.  
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:iconalexanderdesade:
AlexanderDeSade Featured By Owner Sep 14, 2020  Hobbyist Digital Artist
i know, thank you moomin-hug
just need to vent a little, i'm getting help in a day or two, so it should be better by then.
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:iconrisamei:
risamei Featured By Owner Sep 14, 2020  Student Digital Artist
When someone is reaching out giving a number to a suicide hotline is kinda of stupid.
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:iconmoonwalkingzear:
MoonwalkingZear Featured By Owner Sep 15, 2020  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Dude. What the fuck?
OP stated they had suicidal thoughts and none of us are trained to handle such emergency matters
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:iconrisamei:
risamei Featured By Owner Sep 15, 2020  Student Digital Artist
thats where you're wrong, they were reaching out trying to vent about their issues and "help with life" forum this is the correct place to do that many people who come here have suicidal thoughts but if you have nothing better to say then give links to a suicide line I am really wondering what you're even doing here.

Anyone can help do you really think you're powerless to help someone in need? You dont need a degree to have compassion and talk to someone.

but if the best you go is to copy paste a suicidal hotline link each time then again why even bother commenting?
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:iconmoonwalkingzear:
MoonwalkingZear Featured By Owner Sep 15, 2020  Hobbyist Digital Artist
You are one sad, strange little man. And you have my pity.
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:iconrisamei:
risamei Featured By Owner Sep 15, 2020  Student Digital Artist
I am sad and I have went through alot this year even having my house maybe burned down I dont even know if im homeless right now and my friend killing themselves 3 weeks ago, I am only giving my feelings here but what you are doing coming from a person on the opposite end feels like you're writing them off and you dont care. These are just my feelings though you obviously dont have to listen to me.
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:iconrenewededen:
RenewedEden Featured By Owner Sep 14, 2020  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I feel the same. It doesn't help and I'd be too afraid to call it.
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:iconrisamei:
risamei Featured By Owner Sep 14, 2020  Student Digital Artist
Same I dont think i could call it, I am sure it helps some but the people who are thinking of suicide know the lines exist. So tell them to seek a therapist or talk to a suicide hotline are kind of feels like you're just brushing them off.
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:iconrenewededen:
RenewedEden Featured By Owner Sep 15, 2020  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
"So tell them to seek a therapist or talk to a suicide hotline are kind of feels like you're just brushing them off." Exactly. Online peeps are not usually good/certified counselors but from what I've heard, the people who answer the hotlines often aren't, either.
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:iconrisamei:
risamei Featured By Owner Sep 15, 2020  Student Digital Artist
mhmm I just hate the idea that you have to be certified to help its a dangerous idea tbh. Say someone was getting kidnapped infront of your eyes do you not do anything because you're not the police? Probably stupid comparison but idc thats just how it is..
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:iconkaizenkitty:
KaizenKitty Featured By Owner Sep 15, 2020  Professional Writer
at the same time i fear saying the wrong thing (because i have been there, and i know how difficult it is, and every suicidal person has different reasons for becoming suicidal...so it's not like im 100% on the same page.) it's easier when speaking to people i know well (offline, close friends -- because then i know more about them and their situation).
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:iconrisamei:
risamei Featured By Owner Edited Sep 15, 2020  Student Digital Artist
As I said to melian if you're uncomfortable talking about it then you don't have to suggest anything, just talk and listen to them sometimes having someone to be there for them lending an ear is 100% better than doing and saying nothing. Everyone fears of saying the wrong thing or doing the wrong thing but that often leads to inaction and as i said thats way worse.

My opinion is its a thousand times better to have someone who cares and is empathetic than to have a trained professional who doesn't.

I am only telling my feelings, if I was reaching out in a forum that is meant specifically for that thing and I was giving links to a suicide line and to seek therapy I can tell you that it wouldn't make me feel very good personally, it would feel like they were writing me off.
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:iconmelianmarionette:
MelianMarionette Featured By Owner Sep 14, 2020  Hobbyist General Artist
Please understand that when someone does that, it's not because they don't care.  It's just the opposite.  They just feel incapable or unprepared to help, but are afraid for you.  So they do what they can do instead of just nothing.  It's similar to picking up the phone and dialing 911 in a crisis, instead of doing nothing when someone may actually take their life.  Some of us are really afraid of suicide and really, really terrible therapists ourselves and shitty in a crisis.  
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:iconkaizenkitty:
KaizenKitty Featured By Owner Sep 15, 2020  Professional Writer
yes. exactly this. saying the wrong thing can lead to worse outcomes than staying out of it.
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:iconmelianmarionette:
MelianMarionette Featured By Owner Sep 15, 2020  Hobbyist General Artist
I want you to imagine Mistgod being a suicide hotline "Your depression is a type of weakness. Perhaps you should consider not being part of the victim culture. I think others have influenced you to believe you are helpless, and a lot of this is simply posturing for attention. You have been taught to think this way by an over pandering woke culture and an over enthusiastic medical and drug industry. Perhaps you should vote for Donald Trump and go get a job."
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