Forums: Why Being A Dependent Sucks

I'm someone that depends on other people due to my mental illnesses and physical issues (like migraines and fatigue) and I have something that has been on my mind a lot lately.

Everyone always goes on about "being independent" and doesn't acknowledge that there are some people who need or want to be dependent on other people. I think it should be viewed as a need, luxury, or lifestyle choice as opposed to being seen as "a burden" to other people or being seen as needy.

The reason I bring this up is that it feels degrading to be dependent and be chastised for it by people who don't know my story. I get sad about it a hella lot too.

For some, yes, I can see how it is good to be independent and "strike out on your own", but it's not something that suits everyone. Besides, in old age a whopping percentage of people have to learn how to be dependent again so it's nothing to brag about.

Sorry, it gets to me sometimes. I wish people would look at me as a person rather than look at me as someone who is below them because I am dependent. Maybe it is because people think I "get things handed to me on a silver platter" and are jealous or some shiz, but in reality I struggled with mental health that was never caught on and ended up getting physical issues on top of that, which is bad enough without being accused of rude things for it. I went to school, attempted work, and all sorts of juicy things. Frankly, I think some people should just respect that not everyone is meant to be independent and that not everyone is meant to be dependent.

Anyway, I guess I need a bit of help to cope with it. I feel really down about it right now. I wasn't born and bred to be as independent and self sufficient as everyone else, but I am resourceful and a good companion to those who want it. I am just sad because being judged by random people really gets to me. It makes me feel like I don't have a place simply because people put so much value on it.

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GameTrek

You sound able enough why not be independent?

I'm not as able as I originally thought I was. I tried really hard to be independent but it always ended up with me feeling terrible mentally and even physically with how stupid my migraines got when I was that stress. I mean, they still get terrible and I am still stressed now.

I feel like a burden for needing help at times, but I know I can't help that I need a bit (or a lot lmao) more help than others. My anxiety wasn't caught on early enough, despite it being genetic, so I only started learning coping mechanisms within this past year. The most independent things I can do are house chores, though, but I slack off on them when I feel too tired or have stupid migraines. Usually, I get a headache or migraine once or twice a week but sometimes it's more, so I have the urge to sleep more than not otherwise I start to vomit.

Basically, what I am saying is, even if I am able to be independent in some things I'll always need to be in an environment where I can be cared for. When I was in school the amount of times I left over anxiety (even for stupid things) is just awful.

Maybe one day I can somehow recover from these issues and be more independent. My goal right now is to become more physically and mentally independent, but it may take anything from 1-10 years for all I know. Right now, though, what I need most is to see my doctor for help with fatigue and headaches. She ordered me to rest a lot last time I saw her, which was before covid started, but I would like to visit her again before December, which is when I usually do.

ShinigamiOokamiRyuu

because that's how they are raised. be independent and the likes. for people with mental illness/other that can be complicated. I try not to be a burden upon others and rarely ask for things, but I do depend on others due to my mental illness. it's their choice to judge and not understand the situation, we're the ones that are living this daily, just ignore them. since they probably won't bother to educate themselves with the mental illness/defect, and they don't matter, then don't fret about it. value the opinions of those that matter (to a degree)

True. That makes sense. Sometimes people are smart enough to choose not to judge but others seem kind. I think people need to be educated better on issues like this. Still, for some reason it doesn't always help.

AstroMonkey82

Ah, you know how people go, they need to foster their ego, so when they waste all their income on rent and dumb shit they feel the need to dump that on other people, just to feel better.

Makes sense. Most people I know are house poor as well, meaning they only are able to pay for their expensive houses and not much else. It's a shame, really, how much people bother with trying to live the most lavish lifestyle without being happy with their own.

AstroMonkey82

yeah, and it's a chain reaction, many do it because of the shame

Yeah...it does suck, though, with people assuming I can do as much as everyone else. I think the term "everyone else" isn't right, though, and I believe that independence is subjective to an individual and their own unique needs and personality. For example, my cousin is very independent and can go days on a 9-5 job and being happy with it. I just break out into tears and often it's due to mental stress or my migraines and then I have to leave early lol. For me, personally, it's not worth a rich lifestyle if I have to deal with that kind of stress. Some people have no problem and don't see it as stressful.

But, alas, people like to ridicule the less dependent people for being able to live...not like they do, I guess. But people are also known to dislike differences. I do wish people would understand that everyone has different needs and brings stuff to the table in some way shape or form.

gringone

i have struggled with my mental health for many years and due to my crippling anxiety and it terrifies me to be out on my own. However i suffer also from pressure and stress from my family and would love to no longer be indebted to them because it makes feel even worse and would like to be on my own. People are cruel and will judge you no matter what. So as long as you have a supportive family i'd say forget everyone else and just do what makes you feel best.

Thanks! That made me feel a bit better too. And I agree, people are cruel. Too cruel.

As a special educator, I have found that this is a topic that does not get nearly enough attention. The emotional health of people with physical and developmental disabilities often takes a back seat to meeting their more immediate or more obvious needs. However, the need for autonomy, agency and self-determination exists for all people, regardless of their ability level or mental health status. Just having the freedom to choose and make decisions is really essential to a person's self-esteem. It should not be viewed as a luxury.

Are your family members open to discussing your feelings about this?

Well, I have no siblings to discuss this with but my parents discuss it with me a lot. As a dependent, though, I must say I do have the ability to think for myself. I am not a follower or a leader and I can fend for myself in that sense.

I'm glad you've thought of this, though. It's sometimes an odd topic to talk about. Most people I know assume everyone who talks and looks normal is immediately independent.

I'm assuming you have, at the very least, a psychiatrist and/or clinical psychologist and therapist? I would consider asking them about support groups. There is a mental health rights organization that might be able to point you towards some resources: https://www.mhanational.org/issues/mental-health-rights

I have observed what you are describing enough to know that it is a problem.

Right now, I have the resources but I actually don't have a therapist. My anxiety was found between many school psychologists and a counselor, but was caught later despite obvious signs in kindergarten (like hiding from other kids or covering my head when I got scared).

And thanks!! I'll take a look!

Jul 29, 2020

I really recommend that you get a therapist, if possible. I understand that is not always a resource that people have. For someone with anxiety, I would consider it invaluable. At least once a month.

Jul 29, 2020

Apparently my doctor tried to, but for some reason she can't get us to a therapist for the world's lamest reason: we are not in the same area code as our doctor because we live 20 minutes away. It is stupid, but the government out here simply won't let doctors send patience for mental care if they aren't of the same area code.