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November 21
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Looking for beta readers

:iconfelidire:
Felidire Featured By Owner Edited Nov 21, 2020  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I'm looking for beta readers for an epic series I'm working on, which, if all goes well, I'd like to produce an animated series for.

Here's an excerpt of the prologue: docs.google.com/document/d/1bC…

Should anyone read it, please make a mental note of what your immediate feelings are throughout, and let me know (happy, confused, disinterested, curious, sad, etc.), and perhaps what age group or book/movie/game genres/ratings you're usually into.

If anyone would be interested in reading future chapters, then feel free to PM me a contact email, and I may reach out to you with draft works to hear your thoughts. <3
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:icontangiwai:
Tangiwai Featured By Owner Edited Nov 22, 2020  Hobbyist General Artist
Reads well.  Confused about the character's species though.  Doesn't sound human with the 'ears flicking back and forth'.  Sounds anthro maybe.  One critique.  The voices while she's sleeping.  If they're that loud in her dreams and she's 'turning in a fitful sleep' but she's also wanting them to 'go away and leave her in peace'.  Sounds more like a disturbed sleep rather than fitful.

The bit after her name 'for that was her name' when Kevii is first introduced is unnecessary.  Her name is enough as after reading about one character, it's easy to connect the name to that character.  We know she's called Kevii.

Not getting the Lu’Jirin part as it's not clear 'what she is' other than that she has exceptionally long ears. I'd assumed she was human until that point. 

It's OK, but I'm not sure if I'd be interested enough to keep reading.  It's a bit too 'dry' in terms of detail for me.  I'd love deets about the inn, Kevii's room and even of her Dad as in what he looks like. But the initial lack of that stuff seems a missed opportunity.
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:iconfelidire:
Felidire Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2020  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Awesome feedback, thanks!


>> Not getting the Lu’Jirin part as it's not clear 'what she is' other than that she has exceptionally long ears. I'd assumed she was human until that point. 

I personally dislike it when I create a mental image of a character, and then details are provided after, which drastically changes their appearance in my mind. Mentioning them in the third paragraph in a to-be somewhat lengthy prologue doesn't seem too bad, but finding a good place to mention such details early on feels difficult. Would it be better to mention ears and physical features in the first 2 sentences, along with the dreams.

Also, how old did you imagine her being?
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:icontangiwai:
Tangiwai Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2020  Hobbyist General Artist
Np on the feedback.  Sorry for the text block below.  The forum ate my paragraphs. 
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:iconfelidire:
Felidire Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2020  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Very thorough, thanks, I appreciate it. :) Going to add those points to a list.

Would you be interested in reading the full prologue after editing is done?
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:icontangiwai:
Tangiwai Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2020  Hobbyist General Artist
Sure. Np. I read and write a lot so it helps to have an outside perspective.
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:iconfelidire:
Felidire Featured By Owner 2 days ago  Hobbyist Digital Artist
It does, and I like how candid your feedback is. ^^

I'll send you a note when the draft is done.
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:icontangiwai:
Tangiwai Featured By Owner 2 days ago  Hobbyist General Artist
All goods.
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:icontangiwai:
Tangiwai Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2020  Hobbyist General Artist
Don't know to be honest. Kevii could be anything from 10 to 18. The details of that are missing so much that it's difficult to get a read on her as a character. That's fair, but readers will always assume she's human when first reading about her. If she is even with the long ears, it's fine. That could be explained later. If she's not than it'll cause confusion down the line when it's explained that she's not human. Lu'Jiran could be a cultural reference if it's a tribal or familial affiliation, but if it's to do with species. Reader's won't know who they're reading about.
It really depends on your own focus as an author. Otherwise I'd remove that part from the intro, and have Kevii introduced as a girl and daughter rather than as someone with 'long ears'. Details could be put in later about who and what she is. Which is something as an author that you'd need to address eventually anyway if the part about her being Lu'Jiran is important enough to be stipulated in details, for example if she's contrasted against a character that's not Lu'Jiran. Then details about her appearance become important to draw those distinctions for the reader.
Not sure if the dreams really have significance either, unless there's a reason she's hearing them in her dreams. While they're present in the opening sentences, I saw a disconnect between that and Kevii as a character. I think that was the fitful sleep part, as in while she hears them it's not clear whether - A - she remembers them after waking up, or B - she's disturbed by them afterwards, like they're an echo or something vague that she wakes feeling perturbed about but forgets about them soon after. Not uncommon after sleep, dreams in wakefulness right afterwards become muddled and half-remembered impressions rather than something that's crystal clear.
It could be possible to describe if not details about Kevii personally than about her personality. The tidiness or untidiness of her bedroom, if there's a mirror on a dresser that she sees her reflection in. Or if she's left knickknacks on her drawer if there is one. Little things like that on the boundaries of the story, especially after waking from sleep could help at least to give an idea about who she is as a person before going into what she and her Dad look like.
It's up to you really, but this is the kind of detail I'd be looking for in the opening paragraphs. Including something about her dream with the voices, even if they're vague impressions that Kevii neither sees nor remembers. It's a hook-in to generate interest in herself as a character, especially if those dreams are important down the road. The reader needs to remember that about Kevii, or else if they forget than the intro of the dreams in the opening paragraph becomes something of a lost exercise.
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