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May 16, 2018


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Feedback on a novel i'm writing

lyndseyjaiyen Featured By Owner May 16, 2018
Hello everyone!

The book that I'm writing about is about a character named Chance who lives in the demon world.  He is half demon and half human but has an ability like no other.

Feedback and critiques are welcome.   

Chapter 1 page 1-5 (preview)



today you will fight to the death! the young demon faced his opponent across the arenas field one of them will have to die. Chance had just recently turned five and his opponent seemed to be a scrawny human male in his late thirties that has been trapped for several years by the demons of the shadow clan and used as a source of blood and amusement being treated like live stock; now wielding a spear and being told that if he kills the fledgling then he will be freed, dropped off at the nearest human village. Chance seeing the look of desperation on the mans face realizes that he is willing to do anything for the possibility of freedom even knowing that they most likely will not follow through with their side of the bargain, but also the opportunity to kill a demon before it is a threat to other humans as a consolation to the depraved man. Chance trembles frightened of the task at hand, afraid to die and afraid to kill. griping his short sword in both of his small hands his red eyes wide with fear his tiny wings and tail trembling, the red crystal-like spines(hair) standing on end as the signal to start is given and his opponent charges spear at the ready. Chance darts off to the left of the ring desperately trying to keep away from the man aiming to kill him but realizing that he canít outrun his longer strides Chance starts to cry liquid flames his sobs audible to the audience the disapproving gazes and shouts of many demons only causing him more despair. the man catches up to Chance and thrusting the spear at him piercing through Chances frail wing and grazing his left side causing Chance to tumble to his right the spear ripping though his wing more like a spear through thin cloth, crying out in pain clutching his side he ignites his self on fire and attempts to get away, the flames caused the man to leap back but only for a moment before continuing to pursue the fledglingís death. Chance swings wildly with his sword trying to fend off the mans continued assaults he scoots back again and again to no avail in creating a gap between himself and his attacker. his sobs falling on deaf ears and running out of fire he tries kicking out at the man but out of range he gets pierced again this time in the right shoulder causing him to drop his sword Chance gives a final burst of flames with all he had left the spear snatched back out of his shoulder filling him with another wave of agony only to be thrust into him again as soon as his flames dispersed. vomiting blood to the waves of searing pain being pierced over and over his sight blurs and fades to nothing Chance dies hearing the other demons refer to him as a worthless hybrid and his fathers calling out to him pleading that he donít die. Chance snatch back to life choking on his own blood crying out in strangled sobs starving for blood he flails around aiming for any source of blood within reach grabbing hold and clamping down with all his might on the arm that he caught hold of he chokes down mouth full after mouth full of blood, some of the blood simply runs out of the many wounds he had received his eyes pouring fiery tears filled with pain he keeps gulping down as much blood as he can. his wounds slowly but visibly start to mend and he is able to retain an increasing amount of the blood that he consumes as he starts to come back to his senses he finds his father Inferno holding him close wrapping him in his flames and allowing him to feed from his arm, he hears his father trying to comfort him. Chance recovers quickly but overwhelmed with exhaustion he only manages to ask his father "what happened, everything hurts..." before passing out.

fledglings of high classed demons are forced to undergo many grueling test from a few days after they are born up until they reach maturity. they start off learning how to control their powers then once they can walk they than weapon usage and fighting are added to their curriculum but once they are five years of age they start getting tested on the usage of those skills, they are sent to an arena made of stone walls and ground with nothing but a coating of dust the lights are glowing crystals and fiery torches because they are deep underground. the types of opponents varies from wild animals, other fledgling demons or humans the field is an oval shape with an area of fifty feet which is surrounded by several rows of seating three meters above the arena each row granting plenty of space for the demons to stand or sit without having to worry about their wings or tails being in anotherís way as long as they keep them folded. the parents or guardians of each of the fledglings as well as high ranking demons who simply want to watch or have interest in the outcomes of any of the fledglings are to watch and are prevented from interfering with the trial even at the cost of the fledglings life. in some rare occasions the life or death scenario can awaken a demons special ability(s) in chances case he has immortality which is practically unheard of and had for several thousands of years been thought to be nothing but a myth by both humans and demons alike. but is immortality a blessing or a curse when it simply means that you revive whenever you die or are killed? who knows, but Chance most certainly has a hard life ahead of him and many deaths await him, how will it affect him, what will he do and what will those around him do?


Chance startles awake to several healer demons all around him, frightened he frantically looks for an escape only to find no possible way for him to slip between them and escape the room, afraid that he is going to be harmed again he breaks down into tearful sobs. taken aback at the reaction of the young fledgling many of them back off while one healer wraps her arms and wings around him she makes a reverberating sound to calm and sooth him. it takes a while but eventually Chance calms down and the healer tries to explain what is going on. "you were killed in the arena during your first death match, but for some reason you revived, we have reason to believe that you have immortality and because of the rarity of your special ability you have been deemed important enough that Lady Shadow has found an interest in you and has requested that you be given priority treatment for the time being." Chance shocked by the realization that he was killed and came back to life as well as the information about Lady Shadow taking an interest in him recalling that the only demon to hold the name of Shadow is the leader of Shadow clan herself, he is left dumbfounded and at a loss of words but he manages to ask the other demons "what does that mean, what should I do, whatís going to happen to me?" a shadow demon with eight tails wearing black robes steps forward and says " first we will be taking you to your new room and let you get acquainted to your new feeding partner and we will later inform you of your next trials to come"

Chance is led down a maze of hallways and brought to the end of one that was absent of adjacent doors on its entirety only having a single large double door that stood as tall as the stone ceiling and covered with many intricate designs carved into it lit up by two blazers to either side and numerous torches and crystals the carved image that dominates the center of the doors is of the mythical shadow beast its massive wings spread wide its not the shadow lord because it doesnít have two sets of wings but its impressive none the less the body much like a black dragon with a feathery chest and massive wings that at the tip of each of the bones protruding from the wing like sharp blades the leathery skin to the wings turns scaly near the base and the scales like that of a snake covering nine long slander tails that seem to have a life of their own and the massive claws upon the draconic legs as black as ebony the, eye black voids in their entirety the fangs protruding and flexible like a snake with hollow tubing for injecting venom and the rest mimicking a dragons, sharp spines adorning the head and thinning out till there is but a single row of spines going down to the base of the long neck and stopping just short of the wings. an impressive and terrifying creature that some shadow clan demons are capable of shifting into, apparently there were several of the true shadow beast but they as well as all the other great mythical beast disappeared over a million years ago no one really knows why. the shadow demons have to work together to open the enormous door he is quickly escorted into the room that opens directly into another room decorated with an bed wider than his fatherís wingspan and longer than his father is from head to tails tip, crafted with stone and metal framing and topped with thick padding and dragons cloth sheets and blankets (completely fire proof) at the foot of the bed is an large chest, while near the head of the bed there is a side table to either side and torches on the wall above them all of the lighting is from torches evenly spaced throughout the room there is one door to the left side of the room and two on the right side of the room a large desk and chair on the left side of the room with a bookshelf on its left side. the rest of the massive room is vacant the room feels incredibly empty despite the huge size of the furniture, as Chance is trying to comprehend why his new room is so ridiculously large he hears a young girl sobbing as she is drug down the hallway to his room she is in a cloth a hole cut for her head to go through and a strip of cloth wrapping around her waist like a belt to help her stay covered for the most part anyways. her hands are bound with rope, her light brown hair is a mess going a few inches past the shoulders and her tear-filled eyes are clover green she looks to only be about eight or nine years old with a thin frame. the demon dragging her by the arm tosses her in the room to Chances feet exclaiming "here this is your feeding partner she is your food and anything else you want her to be we will deliver her food daily, your next death match is tomorrow night, do as you please till then." the demons file out of the room and shut the door behind them no way for the two children to escape.

after the other demons left. Chance unties the girl and ask "are you alright" startled that this little demon would show any sort of concern towards her she stops crying and mumbles "I'll be alright but my hands are hurting." Chance seeing that the rope binding her hands was too tight it and seeing the marks left upon her wrist had bruised already he gets upset and he cursed the demons that hurt her under his breath. Chance ask the girl "my name is Chance, whatís your name?" the girl replies "my name is Marry." they get off of the floor and together decide to explore his new room/ living quarters. they first check out the bed and chest chance uses the chest like a step to get on the bed because the bed is up to his shoulder making it difficult to get up on it otherwise. the bed is soft and is to some extent moldable with the layers of pillows that were available. the two children then go to the room on the left, they find the room with several wardrobes and further into the room is rack after rack of weapons with a wide range of variety and sizes. both children look at each other and back at the many weapons, Chance looking at marry again but little paler then before, he realized that he was going to have to learn how to wield all of those weapons well enough to survive the test in the arena. he exclaims "how am I supposed to learn how to use all of these? where do i even need to start? I haven't even gotten good at using a short sword yet!" tears starting to form in his eyes Mary tries to console him that they will figure something out. to get his mind off of the multitude of weapons that he will have to learn how to use she convinces him to continue exploring the other rooms they go into the room on the right that is closest to the bed the room is smaller than the weapons/closet there is a pallet laid out on the floor and a door that opens to a small bathroom the toilet sink and a small  but high tub with the spout pouring water from higher so it would come beating down upon the head of whomever is in it. the bathroom has so little extra room for standing that with the children both in the only open spot in there that there would not be enough room for another child their size would not be able to join them. the bedroom/bathroom made them claustrophobic after the previous rooms that were so spacious. they both realize that this tiny space was meant to be Marry's living space. Chance seeing the distraught face Marry makes knowing that it upsets her, he says "you can sleep with me in that big bed thereís more than enough room. and there is another room why not check that one out with me." the other room is large and deep there is a draconic shadow beast fountain spewing a waterfall of water into a large pool of water a large stone raises up out of the water it is an underground hot spring with dragons water so itís safe for fire demons to get into it. steam rises off the water Chance tentatively test the water and finding that it didn't burn him he happily exclaims "I can touch it! and it doesnít hurt, it feels nice too!" Marry not really understanding why chance is so excited tries the water finding it nice but almost too hot for her to sand it for a long time. they enjoy playing in the water for a while before cleaning up and going to the bed to sleep chance puts out the torches in the massive bedroom leaving the ones in the other rooms to keep burning for the light. both children being quite tired fall asleep quickly, but how will Chance deal with his coming trials and how will he and Marry grow and developed with each otherís support, only time will tell.


Let me know what you think!  Thanks in advice!


Devious Comments

akrasiel Featured By Owner May 16, 2018  Professional Writer

Hello lyndseyjaiyen,

I’m afraid that I am leaving this reply to inform you that your thread will be closed today. While we greatly appreciate your use of our forums, the Literature forum is intended for general discussion, not individual critique. To get feedback on your work, I suggest you try the stickied Critique Thread.

We’ve made a few posts such as our helpful guidelines for this forum which you might find useful for your future forum postings. Thank you for your understanding.

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