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January 12, 2013
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I GIVE LLAMAS... If...

:icononedreamonegirl:
OnedreamOnegirl Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
So ya... I wrote a book... But not many people are looking at it... So can you guys look at my book... Please!!!
And then when you look at the ten chap( that are really short... ) come here and tell me what you think about the story... By the way my story is on wattpad... And here's the [link]
Please look at all the 10 chap... You can only click on every one of them and not read the story... That would be fine...

Lets go back to the llama part... All you have to do is look at the 10 chap and come back here comment should say "I read it" and I will give you a free llama!!! So please don't cheat... You just got to click on the 10 chap!!
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:iconslightlywinged:
SlightlyWinged Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
God, I hate giving anyone negative criticism, but...

There's a difference between writing casually on the internet and writing a story. First person stories are usually frowned upon, thought there are some that can pull it off. I'm not saying don't do the story in first person, just that it's sometimes easier to do it in third person.

Ellipses (this: ...) can usually replaced by commas or periods. Exclamation points should also be used sparingly, or else it'll sound like you're screaming at your readers. Also, if you want someone screaming in the story, say he/she/I screamed after the dialogue, don't type it in all caps.

You could also use some general improvement on spelling and grammar.

Honestly, you have a good story idea. Just polish it up a bit and I think it'll make a nice little gem of an idea.
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:iconsophistcationofsorts:
SophistcationOfSorts Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2013  Student General Artist
i read it! needs some more practice and work on the writing style, grammar etc. keep at it though because the more you work on your art (in your case literature) the better you will get :)
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:icononedreamonegirl:
OnedreamOnegirl Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you!
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:iconwitwitch:
witwitch Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2013  Student Writer
You use ellipses too often. The voice is strong, but I don't like it. It comes off stupid, whiny, and ignorant of the world. Don't use capslock. Don't use multiple exclamation points--hell, try to refrain from even using one.

That's about as far as I got in to the first chapter.
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:iconkittypienugget:
kittypienugget Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2013
i read it! it was nice
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