I think a big problem with this piece is the overuse of 'you.' Because of the syntax involved when you say 'you,' the image you are trying to provoke is muddled down. In my opinion, I would just drop the a whole 'you' thing and focus on the ideas themselves.

"You lift a lid
to speak into the safe
below. It may help conceal
something--the little countries you conjure,
your atlas of thought;
each map wants clarity;
each border errs,
tumbling into new land--danger--"

The first sentence is tedious and the enjambments are not used to good effect. Perhaps something like "You speak into the safe below" would be better. Or better yet, describe what's being spoken instead.

"It may help conceal something--the little countries you conjure" is wordy. "It helps conceal--little countries conjured" might be better, or at least the idea is.

'Wants' is a weak word to use.

I think the semi-colons are unneeded. Just leave no punctuation and leave it as a line. You don't need punctuation everywhere in poetry. The last dash is also unnecessary.

"like a species of square
with no size or centre,
no definite angle,
only endless edge."

Why is this stanza not capitalized?

This stanza doesn't make sense because all squares have four sides and definite angles. I don't see the point you are trying to make here. If you had something clever in mind, then you need to make it a little more apparent.

I like the "endless edge" idea; you just need to lead up to it better.

"The scale seems wrong:
territories expand, exceed.
This is a geography of discourse.
You measure the length, the breadth,
the height and depth--
depth most of all."

The colon after 'wrong' should be a dash or just left blank.

The comma after 'expand' should be a dash.

I think it would be better to omit the dash after 'depth' and put parentheses around "depth most of all."

"This is" is unneeded before "a geography of discourse." Try to present the ideas themselves instead of clarifying grammar that only slow down the reader inappropriately. Of course, if you omit "this is," you'll have to fix the punctuation in the previous line accordingly.

"You flee into the mines and burroughs,
the caves that breathe and conjugate air,
that stalagmite and cite to meet at meaning
and multiply."

'Burrows' was misspelled.

The syntax of this stanza is awkward and confusing. The last line sounds like a run-on. You need to reword everything better.

"You shut the box.
You were afraid--that
is what you wanted to offer in sheets
of clean, white paper,
neatly margined, perfect and crisp.
But language isn't a map. It becomes atmosphere.
It is fear. And your lungs are dry."

The first two lines are a little wordy. Combine them like this: "You shut the box, afraid--."

Omit the word 'perfect' because it isn't concrete: "...neatly margined and crisp."

I think it would be best to conjugate some of the ending lines, perhaps into something like this: "But language isn't a map--it's atmosphere and fear."


Overall, you need to learn how to say what you want without having to say a whole lot. Try to get your ideas across without having to utilize a lot of clarifying grammar and pronouns, because they only bog the poem down.

You have a lot of good, seemingly abstract ideas being put to use, but you just need to clean up how you're presenting those ideas. You have some awkward wording, awkward punctuation, and too much clarifying that's making it hard to see the bottom of the ocean you are swimming in. Clean up some of the pollution and you'll have crystal-clear waters that everyone can enjoy.

Well, I think fllnthblnk covered it...but just to make sure your self esteem is still in good shape...That was an awesome poem, keep it up! You have real talent.

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Thanks for this. Some of what you said was what I'd already thought, but most of it was new, harsh and therefore very useful. Punctuation is a huge problem for me. I either use too much of it or too little.

I think a big problem with this piece is the overuse of 'you.' Because of the syntax involved when you say 'you,' the image you are trying to provoke is muddled down. In my opinion, I would just drop the a whole 'you' thing and focus on the ideas themselves.

Point. But I don't know/can't think of a way to do this without 'you'. I could use 'I'. What do you think?

This stanza doesn't make sense because all squares have four sides and definite angles. I don't see the point you are trying to make here. If you had something clever in mind, then you need to make it a little more apparent.

Okay, what I wanted to say was. The square (of the map) isn't really a sqaure because it keeps growing and you can't tell how. Thusly, no centre, no definite angle etc.

Ugh. The explanation sounds terrible even to me.

I think whatever else you said is pretty clear and I can work on it. Thanks again, and if I need more help, I'll annoy the hell out of you.

(Unless you really don't want me to.)

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Literature Gallery Moderator

For Writers: Resource Central: Part One | Resource Central: Part Two

Oh he he, no worries. I'm used to harshness. It's good for the soul. I mean poetry. And thank you.

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Literature Gallery Moderator

For Writers: Resource Central: Part One | Resource Central: Part Two