If murdered: I will come back to haunt you till death.

Please look out for the turret behind you that will shoot you a nanosecond after I complete this sentence.

Either to myself or to who ever is in the hospital room at the time when I'm old and senile.

"Jarnimooooooooooo"(dead)
"oh look, I'm..."(dead)
"well, now you know what's like to talk to a dead man."(dead)

i'd singlehandedly sing the entire prologue to into the woods

My last words would be...

Herk! Bleugh!

I'd probably be on the computer as Death comes for me so I'll probably be like: 

Me: "Just five more minutes death, let me just respond to this message"

Death: "You said the same thing five minutes ago!"

I'll never die!!

Earth is overrated anyway.

DEMONS AND HELL, HERE I COME!!! MWAHAHAHAA!!

"Hell no, I'm taking your ass with me!!!"

"im coming, cicero'

the money generator is in..

"See ya' all in hell, fuckers" 

To my friend, "You see this knife? shove it up that mother f*cker's ass and disembowel him for me, will ya?"

Murdered: "At least... I can die..*blood splurges out of my mouth* knowing that I can live in peace......

Old age: "it was fun, but now I can see my mother again....good bye.. My daughter and son........

I sacrificed myself for my Best Friend: "we have been together for so long.. But now..my.... Time has come. I will see you soon, and I hope you can be happy for the both of us.......

Mom: "I love you so much, we have been through all troubles and you have helped me with mine first. I cannot ask for another mom, knowing you were always there for me when I needed you most. I love...you..lots than you think.......

boyfriend: "I know how much you wanted to protect me...but..knowing that I just wanted to save you means so much to me, and loving you was the only thing I thought of so I can save you... You need to live, you have so much ahead of you that you have planned, and I want to see you go for your dreams, also... Never forget that I will always love you, and smile more often when I see you from above.........

'I hope they have cookies on the other side'

I'd quote Shakespeare:

"Peace, ye fat guts."

I'd probably say something awful like
"Ugh, finally..."
or 
"Satan! I see you over there! Stop stalling, come and get me already!"
Or 
"Finally I'll be rid of you people! Enjoy fixing all your own problems for once."

"The 1,000,000$ are in....."

"I forgot where I put the other bomb."

I tell them

See...you...in.....hell

My last words would be something like, "I love you a lot, please find someone who loves you as much as I do.  Have kids, be happy, don't live in regret.  You're really awesome, dude."  And, "I'm sorry we couldn't stay friends, but I have to stick up for my values.  I hope you learn someday that your moral compass is more important than impressing a bunch of mid 30's alcoholic scum bags."  And, "Mom, dad.  I know you like to believe that your son is a good person, but he has been mooching off of you for 20 years and it's time to kick him out.  Stop being angry with me because I didn't want to continue helping this lazy and aggressive degenerate.  I love you both, but you aren't my bread and butter, so I'm not gunna butter you up.  Just remember who helped you pay your debts when you were going through bankruptcy and who's halfway done with their life and still working at Walmart."  And, "Brother.  When I found you, you were living in a small room filled with mouse feces.  I allowed you to live and my place under the pretense that you would get your shit together.  Instead, your actions caused me a great deal of grief.  What makes you think it's okay to push people down the stairs or threaten to hit them when they ask you not to leave the stove on... overnight. Or to help pay the bills?  Or clean once in a while?  You're family, so my love is obligatory - but I've never been blind to your idiocy.  Do something with yourself."  And finally, "Boyfriend, please take my cat.  Parents, please take my dog.  Both of you treat them kindly or I'll haunt you from the grave.  Love you all."  *death*

I hope I come back as a cat