meh..... go ahead and eat my food.... you obviously need it more then I do, if you're eating it all

I'd lick everything.

I put electric collars on my friends, they never go near my cabinets anymore.

OK, how is this for hilarious...

to get into my house (and to the dungeon where all my food is held captive) you must first cross the puddle of doom with it's chainsaw sporting army of green rubber duckies. you just barely make it through (with only a few minor limbs lost)
when you have made it to the front door you then encounter the big, the grouchy, and the very, very hairy, stinky cheese breath spaghetti cyclops! (my brother) he beat the crap out of you but you make your escape when he gets distracted trying to eat a spider that entered his field of vision. you manage to put all your assorted disconnected body parts together with scotch tape and paramecium, then continue on your way. well, after a harrowing experience with some purple fire breathing lemons who had somehow managed to obtain a fire hose, you make it to the dungeon and lo and behold! there is the sacred refrigerator you have sought so long for! but between you and a magical land of colorful unicorns who use some pretty colorful language to describe you and lollipops grow out of the ground. where you have access to just about every delectable delicacy imaginable from pigeon brain to banana cream pie.
but wait! there is one more obstacle to overcome before you can step foot in a place full of such wonderful deliciousness, even your rather large self could eat your fill till you could eat no more. this obstacle was placed here, thought never to be used, seeing as it would be considered impossible to get past the other obstructions in your path so you could pig out with my food. this obstacle so awesomely terrible is called: (cue dramatic music)
the ailurophilic amoebas!...
who were supposed to have the kind of awesome name that strikes fear into the heart of any enemy, but instead are named for single celled organisms...that love cats...
but they somehow manage to compensate due to the sheer awesomeness of it's four members.
these members are the totally insane origami machine gun wielding owner of the food... origamipaul!, with the great and powerful magic pomegranate, the humongous bright orange manatee genie, and...
MR. PINEAPPLE! who is making a guest appearance from across the galaxy, wearing a tuxedo! how much more epic can you get?
together, these four super idiots can vanquish
any threat that happens to befall their food and absolutely beat you to a pulp in such horrendous way as should not be discussed openly but instead whispered in dark alleys late at night. if I were to describe how badly you were beaten up by this most nonsensible-sensible group of awesomeness, mothers would cover their children's ears and wash their mouths out with as much soap as is available,
those weaker of heart simply fainting into a coma , and when they are done, they put the little puddle of blue radioactive ooze you have become into an a lead lined box made from adamantium and diamond, teleporting you to the center of a sun in a far away galaxy in a PARALLEL UNIVERSE where you are slowly being pulled into a black hole which will crush you into oblivion. and that is why you never, EVER, mess with MY food!
THE END
how is that for hilarious?
now where is my bonus...