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November 15, 2012
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critique my game story and character models plz

:iconlunaras13:
lunaras13 Featured By Owner Nov 15, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
hello, ive been working on this for a while now and want some constructive criticism

It's called The Pact. You play a demon who goes to the real world to make a pact with a human, they get a wish fulfilled right before you take their soul. The final product will be a point and click adventure game that looks and feels like an anime series.

Here is the story for season one, its not 100% but the basics are there.
[link]

I only have 2 character models so far, the player character and his first boss.

The player character Cobowin. a rare type of snake demon with a special skill
[link]
still working on this, im trying to learn rigging better before i finalize what he looks like, that snake tail is going to be a pain to animate properly


Kanaloa Aegina, she is an oracle mermaid, but instead of fish from waist down she has 4 octopus tentacles.
[link]
I am bad at textures so those are basic colors, but the modeling is done


would enjoy any and all comments, havnt been able to get anything but a blank "it's good" from friends and family who are probably overwhelmed.
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Devious Comments

:iconhcgp:
HcGP Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2012
why is the main character a snake? not human? the main plot sounds good like kuroshitsuji, so why don't you use a sexy demon character?
:iconimsopervyplz:

and by the way, the mermaid should have bigger boobs eight tentacles instead of four...

overall, your modeling skill is good. what program do you use?
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:iconlunaras13:
lunaras13 Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
the main character was supposed to be a demon because he signs a pact with multiple humans, taking their soul at the end of each episode. I got the idea to make 7 of the episodes have the title of the 7 deadly sins, so thought the main character should be serpent like, because of the adam and eve legend where the serpent gets them in trouble.

the first thought was "OMG i dont want to model, rig, then animate 8 tentacles!" but it works out as 4 tentacle legs, 2 arms, and 2 braids, so 8 in total

i use autodesk maya, and thanks for the feedback!
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:iconhcgp:
HcGP Featured By Owner Nov 19, 2012
the 7 deadly sins is an interesting idea...
hm... i don't know, snake just doesn't seem interesting for me... if kuroshitsuji had used snake instead of Sebastian Michaelis, I won't read it. But it's really up to you how you want to depict your characters... i was just giving my opinions.

yeah, but still she should have bigger boobs

thanks back ^_^
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:iconlunaras13:
lunaras13 Featured By Owner Nov 19, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
i forget the term for it, but when black butler came out all i heard was it was design for female viewers lol. This is more designed for 20-30 males so gona go with a main character who looks "cool". you may be interested in crow or raven when i get around to finalizing their forms, raven is based on Advocat from a japanese import game [link] and crow is probably going to be based on Accelerator from a certain magical index [link] although im wrestling with how humanoid they will both be(thinking about making them male harpies)
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:iconhcgp:
HcGP Featured By Owner Nov 19, 2012
...20-30 males would probably choose a sexy heroine lol.. but idk

i see... ah~ i love toaru majutsu..very nice!
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:iconlunaras13:
lunaras13 Featured By Owner Nov 19, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
in RPGs there is a sizable number of people who play females(myself included) because if ur gona spend 40+ hours looking at someones back side, its better to have it look good. however in story driven things a guy is most preferred, cobowin cant compare to kratos or the gears of war guys, but making u deal with shallow eye candy for the whole game often is a detriment to the game overall.
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:iconhcgp:
HcGP Featured By Owner Nov 19, 2012
yeah, i never played a female before as well, so maybe male characters are more popular... XD
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:iconlunaras13:
lunaras13 Featured By Owner Nov 19, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
started a new forum thread [link] post in it if you want to be a beta tester later this year
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:iconthedodobirdsong:
thedodobirdsong Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2012
The different chapters can be better knitted/related to each other because a few of them seems quite random, or at least the vagueness of the summary makes it seems so. A quick foreshadowing you can use is is have future character appear in the background or interact vaguely with the current pact-characters; this is done a bit in Ghost Trick, Phantom Detective and the World Ends with You where you may be able to access characters that will move the storyline before they are needed to move the storyline.

For the chapter the warlock is introduced, you will probably have to figure out how that warlock's secret is revealed because if this warlock was smart enough to fool many demons for two hundred years, I have high doubts that the warlock simply said his accomplishments out aloud for any eavesdropper to hear. The warlock does seem to be a good villain though besides the fact he seems to appear out of nowhere.

For the ending, I was quite confused because I do not see why exactly that chapter has to be played after Cobowin started this great war. It seemed a bit of more like an ending cut-scene.

Other points to consider: Make sure the background information like magic, pacts or celestial people is explained somehow either through narration, a character or etc. I was bit confused on the celestial people a bit honestly. And that's about all the constructive criticism I can give. Hopes it helps a bit.
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:iconlunaras13:
lunaras13 Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
thanks a bunch it really helped, should have the beginning of a world background story up soon to explain the heaven hell and earth rules.

the reoccurring characters may be hard, since each pact is a different person at a different part of the world the humans wont be showing up too much but with how much effort I'm putting into the models they will no doubt be reoccurring even if they are just in the BG with simple one line conversations when u click on them. I was also thinking about having the angel girl become a fallen angel and be the player character at the beginning of season 2, but haven't thought too much about it yet.
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