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November 15, 2012
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critique my game story and character models plz

:iconlunaras13:
lunaras13 Featured By Owner Nov 15, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
hello, ive been working on this for a while now and want some constructive criticism

It's called The Pact. You play a demon who goes to the real world to make a pact with a human, they get a wish fulfilled right before you take their soul. The final product will be a point and click adventure game that looks and feels like an anime series.

Here is the story for season one, its not 100% but the basics are there.
[link]

I only have 2 character models so far, the player character and his first boss.

The player character Cobowin. a rare type of snake demon with a special skill
[link]
still working on this, im trying to learn rigging better before i finalize what he looks like, that snake tail is going to be a pain to animate properly


Kanaloa Aegina, she is an oracle mermaid, but instead of fish from waist down she has 4 octopus tentacles.
[link]
I am bad at textures so those are basic colors, but the modeling is done


would enjoy any and all comments, havnt been able to get anything but a blank "it's good" from friends and family who are probably overwhelmed.
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Devious Comments

:iconhcgp:
HcGP Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2012
why is the main character a snake? not human? the main plot sounds good like kuroshitsuji, so why don't you use a sexy demon character?
:iconimsopervyplz:

and by the way, the mermaid should have bigger boobs eight tentacles instead of four...

overall, your modeling skill is good. what program do you use?
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:iconlunaras13:
lunaras13 Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
the main character was supposed to be a demon because he signs a pact with multiple humans, taking their soul at the end of each episode. I got the idea to make 7 of the episodes have the title of the 7 deadly sins, so thought the main character should be serpent like, because of the adam and eve legend where the serpent gets them in trouble.

the first thought was "OMG i dont want to model, rig, then animate 8 tentacles!" but it works out as 4 tentacle legs, 2 arms, and 2 braids, so 8 in total

i use autodesk maya, and thanks for the feedback!
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:iconhcgp:
HcGP Featured By Owner Nov 19, 2012
the 7 deadly sins is an interesting idea...
hm... i don't know, snake just doesn't seem interesting for me... if kuroshitsuji had used snake instead of Sebastian Michaelis, I won't read it. But it's really up to you how you want to depict your characters... i was just giving my opinions.

yeah, but still she should have bigger boobs

thanks back ^_^
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:iconlunaras13:
lunaras13 Featured By Owner Nov 19, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
i forget the term for it, but when black butler came out all i heard was it was design for female viewers lol. This is more designed for 20-30 males so gona go with a main character who looks "cool". you may be interested in crow or raven when i get around to finalizing their forms, raven is based on Advocat from a japanese import game [link] and crow is probably going to be based on Accelerator from a certain magical index [link] although im wrestling with how humanoid they will both be(thinking about making them male harpies)
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:iconhcgp:
HcGP Featured By Owner Nov 19, 2012
...20-30 males would probably choose a sexy heroine lol.. but idk

i see... ah~ i love toaru majutsu..very nice!
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:iconlunaras13:
lunaras13 Featured By Owner Nov 19, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
in RPGs there is a sizable number of people who play females(myself included) because if ur gona spend 40+ hours looking at someones back side, its better to have it look good. however in story driven things a guy is most preferred, cobowin cant compare to kratos or the gears of war guys, but making u deal with shallow eye candy for the whole game often is a detriment to the game overall.
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:iconhcgp:
HcGP Featured By Owner Nov 19, 2012
yeah, i never played a female before as well, so maybe male characters are more popular... XD
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:iconlunaras13:
lunaras13 Featured By Owner Nov 19, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
started a new forum thread [link] post in it if you want to be a beta tester later this year
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:iconthedodobirdsong:
thedodobirdsong Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2012
The different chapters can be better knitted/related to each other because a few of them seems quite random, or at least the vagueness of the summary makes it seems so. A quick foreshadowing you can use is is have future character appear in the background or interact vaguely with the current pact-characters; this is done a bit in Ghost Trick, Phantom Detective and the World Ends with You where you may be able to access characters that will move the storyline before they are needed to move the storyline.

For the chapter the warlock is introduced, you will probably have to figure out how that warlock's secret is revealed because if this warlock was smart enough to fool many demons for two hundred years, I have high doubts that the warlock simply said his accomplishments out aloud for any eavesdropper to hear. The warlock does seem to be a good villain though besides the fact he seems to appear out of nowhere.

For the ending, I was quite confused because I do not see why exactly that chapter has to be played after Cobowin started this great war. It seemed a bit of more like an ending cut-scene.

Other points to consider: Make sure the background information like magic, pacts or celestial people is explained somehow either through narration, a character or etc. I was bit confused on the celestial people a bit honestly. And that's about all the constructive criticism I can give. Hopes it helps a bit.
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:iconlunaras13:
lunaras13 Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
thanks a bunch it really helped, should have the beginning of a world background story up soon to explain the heaven hell and earth rules.

the reoccurring characters may be hard, since each pact is a different person at a different part of the world the humans wont be showing up too much but with how much effort I'm putting into the models they will no doubt be reoccurring even if they are just in the BG with simple one line conversations when u click on them. I was also thinking about having the angel girl become a fallen angel and be the player character at the beginning of season 2, but haven't thought too much about it yet.
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:iconthedodobirdsong:
thedodobirdsong Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2012
ah, so they are in different parts of the world. I thought the story was mostly in a singular city.
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:iconlunaras13:
lunaras13 Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
i wrote a history of the gaame world if u want to read it [link]

thinking about changing it so the dinosaurs were psychic not just technologically advanced, but then i don't know how they would have bio-engineered the first humans.
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:iconthedodobirdsong:
thedodobirdsong Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2012
well, dang. that was a bit lengthy, and please check your spelling. People tend to take things as seriously when they know a word is spelled incorrectly.

A few tips would to be actually cut the pact-history shorter, because some details are familiar and some are a bit repetitive: a lot of war and weapons of mass destruction. The simpler something is, the easier it is to understand.

I do not think the dinosaurs should also be psychic. They already have super-science to change their genetic material and are literally playing with the code-book of life (DNA), so if they can affect/read other's mind, they are becoming too much like the immortal gods they hate so much. The dinosaurs already have the nearly god-like powers, so I think they should keep something moral like trying to understand another life by hard work.

The celestial-kind confuses me a bit, because they are scared of humans technically, but the celestial-girl protected one so.. . (Side Note: keep something in the design between the Netherworld and Celestial the same would be good, shows opposing sides came from the same seed)I did not like the idea that dinosaurs made humans. I think a better alternative would be the dinosaurs were working on a project to take away magic for the immortals, which rearranged how magic worked in the final aftermath and let Darwin's theory of evolution takes it course to make human. It makes human a bit more scary because they are born without intent or any interfere, so are more free than the mortal before with power in them as well.
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:iconlunaras13:
lunaras13 Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
ill have to find an online spell checker if the automatic one isn't doing a good enough job : /
and also i just sat down and wrote that for like 45 mins so just a first draft, everything can change and the stuff in the episode guide will change to reflect it

i tried to section it off into segments so that they could be like books you find throughout the lvls, kinda collectible easter eggs to tell u the story instead of an info dumb at the beginning of a game. So since you didn't find them all at once i repeated things so they could each be read independently when i could

I probably wont use psychic powers, its just weird thinking about a t-rex using technology with its stubby arms, may have it so that they actually use giant robot arms and they purposefully modified their arms to be smaller so they could fit into a small socket to control the robot appendages.

i wasn't really trying to make the dinosaurs moral, when i was writing it i was thinking they were pretty ruthless. if u got x-com recently then they are more like the aliens than the humans

as for the celestial girl, i can have it so even though they r immortal they still have kids every few hundred years, and she was just born after the dinosaur uprising so doesn't have the same fear of mortals. ill change up the episodes so they aren't so much angel and demon, she liked the guy because of his personality traits, so she saved the woman for hers.

all of the immortals are actually going to be 3d models so you can visually tell them apart, otherwise they are just mimicking old legends. i was thinking instead of an angel she look like a young harpy, some of the background angels and demons may also look similarly

i'm kind of attached to the dinosaurs creating the original humans, but the current day humans wont have any recollection. as far as they know the dinosaurs were an unintelligent species that got wiped out by a meteor just like what we think today, may go in and state specifically that some of the Armageddon magic was going to wipe all the technology out so no trace was left. Adam and eve were actually still in their vats when the meteor hit, was going to have it so their magic protected them and they just woke up the next day alone in a garden of eden like place. the fact that they have latent ability explains why you never meet dogs or cats in the game that use magic, so going to keep that they were created to wield it.


ill have to flush it out a bit more and think more on ur suggestions, thanks again for your help!
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:iconthedodobirdsong:
thedodobirdsong Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2012
Well, I was mostly referring to the misspelled 'game; in you comment about three rows above this comment box and that you spelled 'prophet' as 'profit' in pact-history. You should read your work before you finish because some grammar/spelling mistakes the computer won't catch.

Well here are some other questions/things to consider for the pact-history:
1) What is magic in your world because it seems to be also be the human soul, so what about human and immortals are similar. What makes the power only just potential for humans--perhaps they do not understand what it is exactly like the idea of soul or death? Why do souls pass through different dimensions when a person dies? where does the magic comes from.

2)Is the complete pact-history a common-known among the demons and celestial-kind? Is what the demon and/or celestial-kind know about the pact-history actually true--because remember the truth get twisted and changed sometimes by who is telling it. If the true pact history is not known, how are the player to discover it? Perhaps by some secret notes by Boggle before he . . . well, actually I don't remember where he went in the end. Is the pact-history a side-quest or a part-of-the-main-quest for the players?
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:iconlunaras13:
lunaras13 Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
the soul is results in how the humans were made. The dinosaurs created them with this natural affinity and mana production that normal creatures dont have, when they die there is no procedure for that energy to escape so it gathers in the chest and congeals into a a glob of pure magical energy(humans dont have a means of detecting it yet). Its not going to be based on traditional religion souls that we really have today.

im going to have it so the celestians go by angels and netherworlders go by demons just because thats what the humans have attached names to them by what little sightings they have. gona get confusing if i dont state that somewhere since im now making this its own story plot not just based on real religious mythos.

many of the older immortals were actually there for the war with the dinosaurs, but the angels do have children occasionally so 1-2 generations may have passed since the planes were created. The mutations the demons went through have increased their labedo, so even though some now die of age and some dont, they have had a few hundred generations since then. so angels are still kind of weary, demons have had a societal shift and now care more about amassing personal power for better standing in their community so want to farm souls and dont care about consequences.

as for how the player finds out, in the first few games ill have collectible books that you can read one of the sections from, in the later games i may throw them in as loading screen flavor so those who didnt bother reading can find out.

also i was thinking for season 2 its about 50 years in the future and you play as the angel girl. she gets infected by a demon and becomes a fallen angel, and one of the quests is Kanaloa sending her to find boogles skull, so hes going to be dead.
OR(just thought of this) cobowin is given boogles skull by kanaloa in ep 1 and it has boogles power infused into it. By using the skull you get glimpses of the future of what you should be doing (aka a hint system for the puzzle solving!) and it can occasionally provide these little snippets of the past(probably going to use this one now that i thought of it and every point and click needs a hint system)
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(1 Reply)
:iconlunaras13:
lunaras13 Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
nah, somewhere i have the reason cobowin is doing this written down but forget where. Earth, the netherworld, and celestia are all different dimensions. Normally when a soul passes from earth to either other dimension it gets all the excess parts torn apart, but demons want to eat it for power first. Cobowin is a special type of demon that has a sack on his chest where he can swallow a soul, put it in there, and when he goes back to the netherworld it is protected, he can then spit it back up and sell it to other demons. I haven't decided what the celestians do yet, they will either want to absorb souls for power like the demons or were created as guardians of the flow of souls and don't like the demons because they disrupt that.
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:iconlunaras13:
lunaras13 Featured By Owner Nov 15, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
bump
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:iconlunaras13:
lunaras13 Featured By Owner Nov 15, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
what if i save the name of anyone who gives me 3+ sentences critique and they get to be the first to beta test it in a few months when it's working?
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:iconclchriskl:
Clchriskl Featured By Owner Nov 15, 2012  Student Digital Artist
Wow really thought out...That's really cool. I'd give a solid critique but I'm out of time. Wish you the best!
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:iconlunaras13:
lunaras13 Featured By Owner Nov 15, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
feel free to do it later when u have time, i really want some feedback
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