*Or: How I learned stop worrying and ‘suspend’ my campaign.*

It’s nine o clock on a Saturday, and Trump’s regular crowd of racists and bigots shuffles into the campaign arena to see their messiah’s latest futile exercise in grandstanding.  They all wonder what could possibly go wrong when they see a giant brick wall labeled “The Trump Immigration Wall” erected on stage with a solid steel motorcycle waiting next to the candidate’s podium. Sure enough, Trump’s host Mr. Kirk Douglas announces the entry of Trump onto the stage as the Klansmen cheer him on.

“Good morning, folks. How are you all feeling today?” We hear muted cheering as the racist failures turn out in droves to support their candidate. But if only they knew the horrors that await in store for them this evening…?

“Gentlemen, we have gathered here today not to praise The Donald but to bury him. As you are no doubt aware the republican party is finished thanks to our extremist, narcissistic, xenophobic, selfish, and generally nonsensical views of America. Now that Mitt Romney has become the Republican presidential nominee we have no choice but to concede our defeat.”

They start throwing tomatoes at Dingus Trimp and booing but he gestures for the audience to calm down. “But wait just a minute because there’s so much more in store for you guys.”

He nods his head and walks over to the bicycle to rev the engine. Holding a shotgun in his hands, just like on the day of the rising sun when he was born as a member of Bad Company.  “They told me don’t you ever come around here. Don’t wanna see your face you better disappear. The fire’s in their eyes and their words are really clear.” Revs the engine again. “So beat it, just beat it.” Following the Michael Jackson quote he kicks the clutch straight into fifth gear and barrels on ahead. The wall gets closer…. And closer…. And closer!!!!.... Until BAM he drives head first into the wall and his guts splatter everywhere for all to see. Carnegie hall erupts into a chorus of cheers now that the tea party has recognized the inevitability of their final defeat at the hands of Obama and the morally superior Democratic party. 

From the ashes rises the figure of Barack Obama, who has come to congratulate these losers on a hard-fought campaign well-done even though they lost. Everyone smiles in appreciation, as they’ve finally realized that since they are all beneficiaries of Obama’s federally funded welfare programs they must have supported Barack and the democrats all along. Obama leads them all in song, standing behind the conductor’s podium and picking up his baton. “We didn’t start the fire… No we didn’t light it but we tried to fight it….”

The end. RIP in Peace Tea Party 1907-2014