McDonalds is secretly owned by the Illuminati
Yes, its true. Everytime you east a cheap burger there you contribute to world domination by a secret society that include Barack Obama, Britney Spears, Justin Bieber, Captain Kirk, a Zombie named Quest, President Assad, the entire cast of Dawson's Creek, Pamela Anderson, The REd HOt chili Peppers, Courtney Love, Peyton Manning, and Seal.
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That explains everything.. 
UPS is run by the Mafia.
That's a secret? It's common knowledge at our Illuminati meetings
that must mean that Burger King is owned by Jesus.
yeah, fucking latinos taking over everything
If you say so.
Good for them.
what? YOu want the Iluminati controlling whats in your intestines????
Better them than some religious freak.