Learning from vulnerability


Pianocanival's avatar
Last two years have been really shitty on me. I won't go on a lot of details but I will say that I'm on the verge of dropping college, on quitting my job and giving up on life and love. But as it happens, these have been some of the most wonderful months ever since I hit rock bottom, as they say "you can only go up".

Funny thing is that the only thing that connects all events that lead to a crisis and a breakdown were that I was always putting myself in a position were I turned vulnerable, not allowing to establish limits because I search depth and quality in the things I do rather than quantity.

However, as things were darker I found myself worthy of fighting my own battles and decided to fight my fears only because I don't wanted to keep living, which is ironic. On the end, I stood with my own strength and fought back in my workplace and decided to go to the streets and join a parkour group, out of the blue, just for the sake of making friends. And those just are two of the great victories I got for me.

And yes, it was painful but the benefits are reaping after suffering for such a long time. And my question is about how you see life. Are you willing to expose yourself just for the sake of finding light at the end of the road? How far will you go to lose yourself only to find yourself on the way back? Or you rather just put a lot of barriers so nothing can harm you? How you see life?
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It's really informative. I like it.
macker33's avatar
Its more useful to understand weakness than it is to understand strength.
Pianocanival's avatar
While I agree on the general idea of this, I disagree on the matter that is only about understanding. I think it goes way beyond that, in a degree that can only be understood when you live it on your own flesh, when the process is more important than the result.

By the way, cool paintings, I like your gallery ^^
macker33's avatar
Thanks, i'm unable to enjoy them though
Pianocanival's avatar
Aww, I see. Don't give yourself a hard time for that, OK? 
Eraezr's avatar
I just tell myself 'This will pass, in the mean time, you're responsible for the rebound,' There will be moods where I can't bring myself to listen to that line and sometimes events are not within my control, I just learn to accept that and try to stay sound at resolve whenever I can.
Pianocanival's avatar
While solving this mess I call my life, I met a coach that forced me to cancel whenever I could the phrase "I can't ..." this or that, whenever someone caught me saying it I was punished with 50 push-ups. So I had two choices, become a very strong physical man or stop saying it. Needless to say that the second happened faster :v And maybe that can be taken as a principle of self-control for those times where you need it the most.

But explain something to me, please. What exactly do you mean with being responsible for the rebound?
Eraezr's avatar
Like when circumstances you could not control happen. Its what you do with what you have in those situations (once you've understood it) than it becomes your responsibility if you want to make a comeback to better your situation. uh..this probably doesn't make sense haha but a better exp could be found in this self-help book (the rest I've seen are crap, this on is legit) is You Can Win by Shiv Khera.
Pianocanival's avatar
I will read it, I already have a pdf copy of it :V Thanks for sharing :)
skulkey's avatar
the thing i learned from my ordeals is that it can always get worse. (seriously, there should be a corollary to Murphy's Law that states this).  sometimes having a good attitude isn't enough.  sometimes things just happen that are beyond your control.  you can only prepare yourself mentally for the worst when it comes.

that said, i did learn to trust my intuition, because usually when something bad is coming, my intuition starts screaming at me...
Pianocanival's avatar
hahahaha I know exactly what you mean ^^ But eventually, catastrophe in every form, stops, for the better alive and in good complete health, or the worse in death in any conception. And maybe that was overly-dramatic :v Anyway, it helps me to see that I fear not death, but only to prepare for it when it comes.

As for intuition, it's a good thing you have honed your skills through experience, isn't it?
skulkey's avatar
well, there's death and then there's death.  to pass quietly or suddenly, with ease or in great suffering...  my grandmother died of pancreatic cancer - not a good way to go.  it's one of those things that just gets worse and worse until it ends.

i thought i hit rock-bottom at one point, and then it just got worse and worse until i finally sought help.  things are okay now, but certainly not great, and because of health issues i'll never be at the point i previously was before it all started.  there is no degree of positive attitude that can change that.  i can only try to work with what i have.

but yeah, it is nice to know i can trust my intuition.  i just wish it worked as well for good things. ;)
Pianocanival's avatar
Yes, of course. I've seen many ways of death in my life, sudden heart attacks, long cancer diseases, among others, and the newest one, dementia, and it gets worse and worse everyday :/ But, yeah, I hear you.

:O I understand, and will try to not let that happen, given the case, to me. Thanks for sharing that.

You just have to hone it for good things :)
WolfySpice's avatar
For about 7 to 8 years, I was left mostly crippled at home due to an illness. Going out was incredibly difficult. But, I ended up having enough of that and worked my way out of it. During that time, I didn't do nothing however; I was doing constant study as it was the only thing I really could do at the time.

I have no barriers now. I broke through any I had, and now I don't know my limits so I'll just keep going and going, and when I find a limit, if it's in my way I'll break it. I'll never stop. It's fair to say I gained an incredibly amount of confidence I never had.

So I tend to throw myself at every challenge now. Calling it 'life-changing' is an understatement. Every day is an adventure, whether it's exciting or just a pretty lackadaisical nothing-day. I live day by day, each day in the moment. Just don't ask me the date, because I'd have no idea if it wasn't for my phone...
Pianocanival's avatar
Wow ... Thanks for sharing that ^^ Oftentimes, I forget to put matters into perspective because I'm immersed in my own story and fail to see what's going on around me. And yet, by reading you I feel I'm still far away from that point of your life where there is no such thing as a barrier. I still have them and still struggle to fight them. My guess is that somewhere there is still some fear or shame to fail at some things. But, slowly, I'm starting to realize that there is no bigger failure than the lack of trying.

I'll do that and see how it goes. Throw myself into the challenge, see what happens.
WolfySpice's avatar
That's pretty much it exactly. Most of the time it's a lack of confidence. If you throw yourself at the challenges and fake confidence, once you get through things you start to realise you actually have confidence for real.
Pianocanival's avatar
It's funny, though. Because, it wasn't more than a week ago that I read something that got stuck in my mind. It was something like this:

"It's not that you fake it until you make it, it's to fake it until you BECOME it." 

Again, thanks for sharing. And, I forgot to tell you, your texts are really funny and quick, it's rare to find those qualities in written art nowadays, I enjoyed them :)