Feeling unappreciated by my girlfriend
My girlfriend and I have been dating about four months now, and my feelings for her seem greater than the ones she has for me. I talked to her about it and she did improve, but I still feel lost and lonely when I'm around her. I've tried to be the perfect boyfriend, but I feel as if this gets me nowhere. I can't decide if I should talk to her again, or wait and see what happens. This problem has been affecting my overall mood more everyday, so I'm even looking at breaking up with her as an option. I can't decide if it's just me, or if what I said is the complete truth. I do have a tendency to become slightly obsessed in relationships (not in a creepy way, trust me). If this is a one sided relationship should I stick with it and try to improve it? If it's just me what can I do to stop these feelings?
Thanks for reading my rant. I realize that your probably going to have to ask a few questions to give a good answer - it's 2am and I can't think...
-Brian
Thanks for reading my rant. I realize that your probably going to have to ask a few questions to give a good answer - it's 2am and I can't think...
-Brian
Comments32
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In
back up a bit and examine it. Maybe she has a reason for not being affectionate, either her time is consumed by other things, she has a moral obligation not to put out in that way, or something else. Either way, this means you need to back off so you two are on equal grounds.
About the talking to her friends: PEOPLE ARE ALLOWED TO HAVE FRIENDS! I'm sorry, but you can't expect to be the only person she talks to. Get over it.
From what you say in your second post how she never calls to talk to you, maybe it's because she's busy getting her own good grades in physics? Maybe calling her everyday is putting her off because you're showing that you're the lesser partner in a relationship. As I said before, being on equal grounding is what you want. If you act needy and too much of, pardon the terminology, an attention whore, then she'll think she can do better since there is a guy crawling to her. From personal experience, acting clingy is a VERY BAD THING. If it's like this, and she thinks you're too needy, then a serious talk might just look lame, because you need reassurance of your standing. Communication is good, but you need to be careful of what you're showing through your actions and body language, not just your words. Some people can be very intuitive about those things.
I agree with an above post about not calling her for a while, and see if she calls you. It's a good idea in my opinion. You'll look more independent, and give her a chance to show affection if she has time. Show more of your independence, and that you have other friends (I don't mean getting a second girlfriend--that's just stupid) that you can hang out with besides her. She shouldn't be the most important thing in your life when in highschool.
About her not putting out in general, maybe it's more an attitude problem of yours. If you love someone, you can give things and time to them without expecting anything in return. That's the spirit of giving something as well, such as at Christmas or other times. Never expect a return on your 'investment' to use the term loosely. Just give because you love the person, not because you want her to put out fast.
Finally, maybe she's really not that attached to you? You are in highschool, and even in four months it is possible to drift apart because of personality changes. trust me on this one.
About the talking to her friends: PEOPLE ARE ALLOWED TO HAVE FRIENDS! I'm sorry, but you can't expect to be the only person she talks to. Get over it.
From what you say in your second post how she never calls to talk to you, maybe it's because she's busy getting her own good grades in physics? Maybe calling her everyday is putting her off because you're showing that you're the lesser partner in a relationship. As I said before, being on equal grounding is what you want. If you act needy and too much of, pardon the terminology, an attention whore, then she'll think she can do better since there is a guy crawling to her. From personal experience, acting clingy is a VERY BAD THING. If it's like this, and she thinks you're too needy, then a serious talk might just look lame, because you need reassurance of your standing. Communication is good, but you need to be careful of what you're showing through your actions and body language, not just your words. Some people can be very intuitive about those things.
I agree with an above post about not calling her for a while, and see if she calls you. It's a good idea in my opinion. You'll look more independent, and give her a chance to show affection if she has time. Show more of your independence, and that you have other friends (I don't mean getting a second girlfriend--that's just stupid) that you can hang out with besides her. She shouldn't be the most important thing in your life when in highschool.
About her not putting out in general, maybe it's more an attitude problem of yours. If you love someone, you can give things and time to them without expecting anything in return. That's the spirit of giving something as well, such as at Christmas or other times. Never expect a return on your 'investment' to use the term loosely. Just give because you love the person, not because you want her to put out fast.
Finally, maybe she's really not that attached to you? You are in highschool, and even in four months it is possible to drift apart because of personality changes. trust me on this one.
maybe you should just talk to her-i mean she might care about you the way you care about her but
1. she's trying not to act too needy
or
2. she's not that really good at expressing herself and she's more reserved so it's kind of hard for her to open up more to you (you should know that not every girl's the same, lol
)
1. she's trying not to act too needy
or
2. she's not that really good at expressing herself and she's more reserved so it's kind of hard for her to open up more to you (you should know that not every girl's the same, lol
)OK, I called her up and talked to her. I just bluntly asked if I was crowding her and if so, in what ways. Thankfully, she gave me an honest answer. Basically, she said that it wasn't so much that I always want to be around her, it's that I get offended when she is around other people. She said that she thought it was really sweet that I liked being around her, but she needed time for her friends too. She said that perhaps she could pay a little more attention to me now and then. I pretty much just agreed with her. From reading all these comments, and from simply writing it down and trying to sort it out in my head, it feels like that should of been WAY more obvious to me. I told her that I would do better.
Overall, I would consider that a near fairy tale ending...communicating is good! I'm glad that I first got this issue with this particular girl because she has always been willing to talk and try to fix things.
Thanks so much for the advice. I guess I just needed to take a step back and look at it from another perspective.
Thanks especially to xxIceWiccanxx for saying:
"There is nothing here that really shows me that she doesn't care, it seems more like she's trying to balance you and her friends."
And finally thanks to my mom...(hehe, this post was beginning to sound like the movie award thingy they have on tv...))
That really made me stop and think about it. I know now that she cares, but she cares about other stuff too... I'm seriously going to be banging myself on the head for days because it took so long and a lot of help for me to work out this problem, that looking back was probably fairly obvious to most people.
-Brian
Overall, I would consider that a near fairy tale ending...communicating is good! I'm glad that I first got this issue with this particular girl because she has always been willing to talk and try to fix things.
Thanks so much for the advice. I guess I just needed to take a step back and look at it from another perspective.
Thanks especially to xxIceWiccanxx for saying:
"There is nothing here that really shows me that she doesn't care, it seems more like she's trying to balance you and her friends."
And finally thanks to my mom...(hehe, this post was beginning to sound like the movie award thingy they have on tv...))
That really made me stop and think about it. I know now that she cares, but she cares about other stuff too... I'm seriously going to be banging myself on the head for days because it took so long and a lot of help for me to work out this problem, that looking back was probably fairly obvious to most people.
-Brian
talk SERIOUSLY with her about it
Ah in fairness it seems like you're over-reacting a tad.
No offense, and I do know how you feel, or, rather I know how she feels as (judge me not!) I can see I act exactly the same way in relationships with guys.
Some people (and girls in their own strange ways ofcourse) find that they need space space and more space. Sometimes just to be able to say 'I need space, go away now'.
She might be feeling smothered by your attention (which while not obsessive enough to be creeped out by, is attentive to the max - ie walking her around the school, calling her every day).
I would say, do not judge that as her lack of caring or love for you, but rather as a sign that you are free to have alone/friend time as well and she's cool with that.
(In fact, from general observation, girls tend to get more obsessive and needy, want to spend extra time talking or hanging out, while guys just don't get why they need to for example spend a while talking on the phone while they just saw each other earlier that day etc. - you're probably lucky to have a girl that's 'balanced' in her relationship needs'.
Let her hang with her friends at school or on nights out, but try to take her out just the two of you often enough so you still get the relationship time you'd like.
No offense, and I do know how you feel, or, rather I know how she feels as (judge me not!) I can see I act exactly the same way in relationships with guys.
Some people (and girls in their own strange ways ofcourse) find that they need space space and more space. Sometimes just to be able to say 'I need space, go away now'.
She might be feeling smothered by your attention (which while not obsessive enough to be creeped out by, is attentive to the max - ie walking her around the school, calling her every day).
I would say, do not judge that as her lack of caring or love for you, but rather as a sign that you are free to have alone/friend time as well and she's cool with that.
(In fact, from general observation, girls tend to get more obsessive and needy, want to spend extra time talking or hanging out, while guys just don't get why they need to for example spend a while talking on the phone while they just saw each other earlier that day etc. - you're probably lucky to have a girl that's 'balanced' in her relationship needs'.
Let her hang with her friends at school or on nights out, but try to take her out just the two of you often enough so you still get the relationship time you'd like.
Allright examples...
1.) One time I took her to a school play, and we decided it would be fun for us to bring some of our friends along and to make a long story short she barely talked to me at all - instead choosing to talk to her friends while I wandered away from my friends to try to and talk to her
2.) I eat lunch with her about half the time (I'm in High School) and the times I don't I sit and talk to her for at least five or six minutes, and she has never done the same for me.
3.) I call her everyday - she never calls me to just talk.
4.) I walk with her to her classes, sometimes she runs off to talk to her friends.
About this girl...
Well, she is a very smart girl named Lauren. She is exceptionally beautiful - however is one of the few who doesn't care a whole lot about that. She is very dedicated to her friends and family - pretty much everyone she knows. She is definetly to be considered a 'nice girl,' she doesn't cross the line hardly at all. She doesn't have a favorite anything to my knoledge. She likes reading and writing and playing old computer video games. She is very cute and helps me get good grades in physics.
I know it is a young relationship, and yeah I know it's going to have ups and downs. However this is the first major problem that we've had, and I'm new at the dating thing, so help is greatly appreciated.
Thanks for all the responses.
-Brian
1.) One time I took her to a school play, and we decided it would be fun for us to bring some of our friends along and to make a long story short she barely talked to me at all - instead choosing to talk to her friends while I wandered away from my friends to try to and talk to her
2.) I eat lunch with her about half the time (I'm in High School) and the times I don't I sit and talk to her for at least five or six minutes, and she has never done the same for me.
3.) I call her everyday - she never calls me to just talk.
4.) I walk with her to her classes, sometimes she runs off to talk to her friends.
About this girl...
Well, she is a very smart girl named Lauren. She is exceptionally beautiful - however is one of the few who doesn't care a whole lot about that. She is very dedicated to her friends and family - pretty much everyone she knows. She is definetly to be considered a 'nice girl,' she doesn't cross the line hardly at all. She doesn't have a favorite anything to my knoledge. She likes reading and writing and playing old computer video games. She is very cute and helps me get good grades in physics.
I know it is a young relationship, and yeah I know it's going to have ups and downs. However this is the first major problem that we've had, and I'm new at the dating thing, so help is greatly appreciated.
Thanks for all the responses.
-Brian
maybe she never calls you because she expects your call. try not calling her for a while and see if she calls you.
give her some room to breathe man! Just be more nonchalant, and don't always call her, its smothering. Keep staying on her like that and she will feel smothered and then finally leave you. The perfect boyfriend to a lot of girls has good personality and is able to function as a mantle and a support, and also be able to function in the background.
Sounds like you're crowding her a little- or she feels like you are. Remember, she needs to hang with the girls, too. Back up a little, it'll be okay 
To be completely honest, I think you are overreacting. There are perfectly logical explanations for all of those situations. For example:
1. These may have been friends that she has been neglecting since she started going out with you, and she wanted the chance to catch up. Or, if she sees them regularly, she may have seen this as a "group of friends" type situation, and not a date. She probably did not even realize she was ignoring you. People sometimes get caught up in talking to their friends, and don't realize they are leaving someone else out.
2. She may feel that since you both have decided to eat lunch with other people for that day, it is not necessary for her to come and see you. She may be trying to give you your space, so you don't feel crowded.
3. She may be too shy to call you, and might worry that it will become awkward if she has nothing to say. Speaking as a girl who doesn't use the phone often, it is usually much easier to speak in person or only call when you have something you need to/want to say.
4. That's very sweet of you to walk her to class, but again, she may feel like she's been neglecting her friends since you two got together. She can't just stop seeing them and spend all her time with you, after all.
Honestly, I think that if it's bothering you this much, you should have another talk with her. But in my opinion, you are overreacting at least somewhat. She may be feeling a little crowded by all your attention, and might want a little space whcih would explain why she doesn't come see you when you eat lunch apart. There is nothing here that really shows me that she doesn't care, it seems more like she's trying to balance you and her friends.
1. These may have been friends that she has been neglecting since she started going out with you, and she wanted the chance to catch up. Or, if she sees them regularly, she may have seen this as a "group of friends" type situation, and not a date. She probably did not even realize she was ignoring you. People sometimes get caught up in talking to their friends, and don't realize they are leaving someone else out.
2. She may feel that since you both have decided to eat lunch with other people for that day, it is not necessary for her to come and see you. She may be trying to give you your space, so you don't feel crowded.
3. She may be too shy to call you, and might worry that it will become awkward if she has nothing to say. Speaking as a girl who doesn't use the phone often, it is usually much easier to speak in person or only call when you have something you need to/want to say.
4. That's very sweet of you to walk her to class, but again, she may feel like she's been neglecting her friends since you two got together. She can't just stop seeing them and spend all her time with you, after all.
Honestly, I think that if it's bothering you this much, you should have another talk with her. But in my opinion, you are overreacting at least somewhat. She may be feeling a little crowded by all your attention, and might want a little space whcih would explain why she doesn't come see you when you eat lunch apart. There is nothing here that really shows me that she doesn't care, it seems more like she's trying to balance you and her friends.
She might be shy. I never call my boyfriend ever either, but that's just because i'm too shy to risk bothering him if I call when he's busy.
As for the rest, I think you might be over reacting a bit. There's no reason she shouldn't go see her friends when she can. Just because you're dating doesn't mean she should cut the time she spends with them. And it can be really hard, especially if she's shy, to spend time with each other in a large group.
The fact is, spending too much time together might be causing her to pull back a little. Maybe instead of calling her every day, call her every two or three days. And it's perfectly normal for her to see friends between classes. You can too, you know. Dating doesn't mean spending every possible second together, even if you want to.
As for the rest, I think you might be over reacting a bit. There's no reason she shouldn't go see her friends when she can. Just because you're dating doesn't mean she should cut the time she spends with them. And it can be really hard, especially if she's shy, to spend time with each other in a large group.
The fact is, spending too much time together might be causing her to pull back a little. Maybe instead of calling her every day, call her every two or three days. And it's perfectly normal for her to see friends between classes. You can too, you know. Dating doesn't mean spending every possible second together, even if you want to.
hmmm...yeah I think your probably right. At least I hope it's just my slight-obsessiveness...
I can kinda relate to your problem, FanFan. My boyfriend is much more social than I am, where as I tend to latch onto one or two people, he has friendships with MANY people. I don't know if it's like that for you and your girlfriend, but it puts me into a situation where I feel somewhat neglected at times like you.
Like someone else said above though, it doesn't mean they dislike us. It just means they have other people whom they have responsibillities for. What I would suggest would be spending more time with your own friends to balance out the relationship a bit more, and so you don't feel lonely as much. I know she's your girlfriend, but your friends are just as important even if you don't realize it right now.
Like someone else said above though, it doesn't mean they dislike us. It just means they have other people whom they have responsibillities for. What I would suggest would be spending more time with your own friends to balance out the relationship a bit more, and so you don't feel lonely as much. I know she's your girlfriend, but your friends are just as important even if you don't realize it right now.
first, think what exactly makes you feel that her feelings don't match yours. I've been labeled 'cold' by several boys so far but it's just my way of expressing my emotions, I don't like telling everything, I generally don't talk about feelings and personal stuff /even to boyfriends, unless I'm really forced to/ and I seldom tell them how much I appreciate them. My current man thinks I don't love him as much as he loves me but in my oppinion it's not so. It's just that I get strange moods when I don't want to see anyone or I don't feel like kissing him and I insist on being free to do what I please. So just try to talk to her, gently. Maybe her perception of a healthy relationship differs from yours. That would mean it could get hard for both of you to go on together but if you really want to, you will. And yet again, if you think of leaving her, why would that be? Perhaps there's something more...
some people are more insecure than others i guess. and it seems as though females are normally more secure than males for some reason.
I also sometimes feel like my girl "doesnt love me as much as i love her"...but i also realise that she shows love in other ways than i do...give n take i guess..
I also sometimes feel like my girl "doesnt love me as much as i love her"...but i also realise that she shows love in other ways than i do...give n take i guess..
kill her and find a better girl that loves you.
In order to help, you'll have to give examples of what she does or says that makes you feel this way. Before I know that, I can't really say anything at all.
Without knowing anything, I will say this: Four months is barely any time at all. It takes most people far longer than that to develop a sort of close bond with their partners, if that's what they're even looking for. It is possible that while you want something a little more serious, she's just looking for something casual. A fun, simple relationship rather than anything long lasting.
I could be wrong. But that's what it sounds like from what little you've said.
Without knowing anything, I will say this: Four months is barely any time at all. It takes most people far longer than that to develop a sort of close bond with their partners, if that's what they're even looking for. It is possible that while you want something a little more serious, she's just looking for something casual. A fun, simple relationship rather than anything long lasting.
I could be wrong. But that's what it sounds like from what little you've said.
In response to your second paragraph -
You reassured me of my own relationship. Even though you didn't intend on doing that for me, thank yooou.
You reassured me of my own relationship.
Even though you didn't intend on doing that for me, thank yooou.Awesome. Glad I was helpful. 
Well, you could just back off. Generally that makes a person a bit more appreciative.
But, if that doesn't improve the way you feel, then, you should probably break up with her.
But, if that doesn't improve the way you feel, then, you should probably break up with her.
You should ignore her for a while... she'll probably come running back to you~
ah so true, so true...
That or not see the similarity and get pissed.
Either way, he'll get some attention...