Family Doormat Straw that broke the camels back
How to make a long story short? My mother passed away last April. A good friend of mine was a care taker, so the last 8 months of her life my friend the caretaker took wonderful care of my mother. She’s great at her job and took care of my mom just like I would of myself, and she was paid no discounts, I just want to make that clear. Now my sister and I do NOT get along we can barely be in the same room for long periods of time. Now my friend became friends with my dad, which is cool, she stops by once a week to clean his house and chat with him, again totally fine.
During the time my mother was ill, I confided in my friend about the shi&&y things my sister was doing, she was of course MY friend, and she would warn me when my sister spun my dad up and how my mom was doing ect…. Her husband and my husband are friends so we did a lot of activities together, even spending Christmas and Thanksgiving together, basically she was like family to me.
Ok, long story short, my mother’s birthday comes after she passed, I called my dad (this is partly his fault also, but what are you going to say to an 85 yr old) and said hey mom’s bday is Saturday do you want to go to dinner or something, he says sure. Then calls me on Friday night and says “oh I forgot your sister made plans” I said ok well, I’ll come over Sunday we can do breakfast. No big deal right? I could not have been more wrong! Randomly my cousin texts me and says “Sorry, I can’t make it for pizza and cake Saturday” I called her and said you must have texted the wrong person, she said no for your mom’s birthday… Well, what happened was my sister planned a “party” with family and MY FRIEND and her husband for my mom’s birthday and invited everyone BUT me! Screwed up right! My friend knew! Didn’t tell me, I called her an emotional wreck, crying, hurt, and every emotion under the sun! I told her it was the most devastating thing that ever happened to me, I was going over Sunday and she could go with me.
Well needless to say she and her husband went, “for my dad” as she claimed. Now as my friend as emotionally upset as I was, she never bothered to call me again after that and still continues to visit my dad regularly. In my entire adult life I have never been so hurt! I still talk to my dad although strained, he actually tried to defend her, I told him that he and I do not get to talk about my ex-friend and he stopped, but this hurt runs deep! It’s been several months and I do want to confront her, not sure if that’s the right thing to do or not but its eating away at me!
There is quite a lot more to the story that was the cliff notes. I have always been the one that didn’t want to upset my parents, and because of my silence she had my dad’s ear. Now my mother was the one that kept her in line always and when she got sick the damn broke and she ran amuck, my dad doesn’t like conflict and is afraid to confront her so the bigger mouth wins. When I called him out on it for allowing my sister to orchestrate the “Birthday party” and not invite me, he said he went along with it because she said it would be like having 2 pit bulls in the same room, I had to remind him “Have I ever disrespected his house?” Have I ever been thrown out of his house by our mother, He answered No. ? Our parents are old, I always tried not to upset them and let things slide in hindsight that was a mistake. I have always taken the high road. I have a G.R.I.P. I know you’re not trying to be mean, but missing my mother’s 1st birthday after her death and having my family there and my friends was devastating and the entire thing put together and being excluded on purpose was too much, as well as my dad allowing it to happen because he is afraid of my sister, I believe that my sister is a narcissist and can provide validation on that. It was well-played by my sister, and as she always has to she won. **For me there is no win or lose, it’s a lose lose.
Now the friend situation, she took great care of my mother and I will always be grateful for that. She was my mother’s caretaker (Not my fathers, my mother passed) and was paid for her service it wasn’t for free, she came 5 days a week and my sister and I both contributed $300 a month to help pay her, my sister and I helped my dad at night and every weekend for 8 months, it was a lot. Not sure why anyone thinks I cursed her out I never said that. Once I found out (accidently, and not by my friend,by my cousin who does not get along at all with my sister) my sister called and invited her and my friend didn’t mention it to me. Neither of them knew I wasn’t invited. I called my friend and I was emotional and I cried, she never called the next day the next week or anytime to see if I was ok? Oddly, she told my dad she texted me? I never got a text, if one of my friends was as upset as I was, if they didn’t answer my text I would drive my butt to their house to see if they were ok. This was a very close friend who would tell me when my sister would get my dad upset and tell me that when my sister came over my mom (who had Alz) wouldn’t want to come out of her room and see “the mean lady”. So she knew who my sister was. I was very upset that my friend went and ‘broke bread’ with my sister and her husband when she knew how I felt and I confided in her and she in me. As I said this was a longtime friend who was considered family to my husband and me. Also, to not call me and try to make things right is unforgivable to me. Yet she still visits my dad regularly, even her husband is upset with her on this, not sure what her end game is but time will tell…
Juliabohemian –
You are 100% correct, I do have a hard time setting boundaries for what I tolerate and what I expect. As far as being in the same room. You would have to understand that my sister has always been in competition she has to be #1 have the best car, the best house, the best kids, etc.. Me I don’t care never have, she does this at any cost and don’t care who she upsets. Her jealousy and hatred runs very deep, she lives to play the victim, my mother used to call her on her bulls#it well she’s gone and the beast is loose. There are so many examples I don’t even know where to start. The latest one is this and this is where I drew the line and stopped all contact with her unless it involved our parents….
She wanted to buy a big beautiful house, she couldn't sell her house because she owed over double what the house was worth and it was in foreclosure 3 times and she refinanced it those 3 times.(it's public record). And wanted to move into her new house and could not because she had a $115k mortgage on a house that was only worth $58k on the market so she and my father talked my daughter into renting her house, my mother, husband, and I tried to talk her out of it we knew it would end badly, which it did. She had proof she had a renter and was able to buy her house. They agreed on $800 rent, water and HOA period, which changed when she realized she couldn’t afford to pay anything additional, she tried changing the rent to $1100 well no way could my daughter afford that when she could rent an apt. for 750. The condition she left the house when my daughter moved, it was so bad I had to hire a cleaning crew to scrape the buggers off the walls and railings, paint, clean the carpet, dog shit in the kids bedroom, just left there, far too many gross things to list she was a slob. She always had issues with the upstairs toilet clogging and over filling, every few months she had to call a plumber out there on a continuous basis for the last 10 years? Well guess what 8 months after my daughter moved in first my daughter came home to an eviction notice on the door because once again she stopped paying her mortgage….2 weeks later the toilet overfilled, on a weekend my daughter went out and didn’t come home till the next day? Needless to say it was bad water leaked into the ceiling, it was horrible. She went to my parents and accused my daughter of doing it on purpose that was the final straw for me. Now my husband is very handy and could have helped as families do in fixing the nightmare but once the accusations started forget it… and here’s the icing on the cake, what happens when you stop paying your mortgage? YOU HAVE NO HOMEOWNERS insurance! So once again she was the victim, it’s a pattern. Not exactly sure how it works but it takes quite a few months of not paying to go into foreclosure. So she was collecting rent $ and not paying the mortgage. That was 4 years ago and that started the not being in the same room together I had enough, my silence was broken and I spoke my mind and called BS when she started her crap and it really divided our family (this is the short version, lol).
I will gladly answer any questions..
Narcissists try to make you doubt yourself and feel crazy, like whatever is upsetting you is all in your mind. Regardless of what some people will tell you, it is totally okay to cut family members out of your life, if they are toxic or if they are enabling another family member who is toxic. You can't win with a narcissist. They rarely change. They rarely acknowledge their behavior. So you either get to the point where you're so emotionally strong that you're entirely unaffected by their shenanigans (which is also rare) or you simply avoid them altogether. Most mental health professionals will advise victims of narcissists to go no-contact for full recovery.
Spend more time around people who make you feel good. Do not seek the approval or validation of people who seek to exclude you. That is a recipe for madness.
Fix that. Seriously. The pair of you clearly did and do things that irritate each other. She does something, you rise to it, she rises to you rising, you both end up angry and pissed at each other, it does neither of you any good.
Just stop it. Don't give her shit she's gonna rise to, and don't rise to the shit she brings.
Now, your friend, clearly made friends with your dad, and the other family that visits him, even your sister. She got invited to a party by your sister, to which you weren't invited because of the previously discussed fact that you two do not know how to get along. For some reason you saw that as a betrayal. Was it really a betrayal?
First, it's understandable they wouldn't invite you if your sister was there if they know the two of you can't get along for two seconds. Harsh, perhaps...but true. Especially if you are so volatile that you would call your friend and curse her out instead of trying to understand her side of things.
Second, you don't own your friend. It's obvious her first obligation is to your mom and dad as a caretaker and surrogate family member rather than to you OR your sister as a friend. She IS allowed to be friends with both you AND your sister if she wants; she's not your slave. :/
Third, what would you have liked to have happened? If they had invited you, and you had gone, you and your sis would have gotten into a fight, apparently. And it sounds like you absolutely would have gone. Or would you have liked them to say, "Your sister is coming, but we aren't comfortable with you coming because we just want a peaceful visit"? Because I can't see you reacting well to that either.
You. Need. To. Get. A. Grip. I'm not saying that to be mean, but it's true. Missing your mother's birthday may have sucked, but I think it's time you take a step back and analyze exactly WHY you weren't invited. Is it really because everyone is a jerk...or is it because they're afraid of you?
What's more, it sounds like you can literally see your father any time you want to. You can visit your mom's grave any time you want to.
I know that losing Mom sucked. I've been there. It sucks HARD. And I understand why you may have been hurt. But you and I both know that the hurt isn't from missing some party; it's from missing Mom.
If you really want the support system you need from your friend - and, dare I say, your sister - then you need to get some grief counseling and to be brutally honest with yourself.
It sounds like someone in your family is toxic. It might be your sister and it might be your dad. Probably it's your sister and your dad and "friend" are just easily manipulated by her. Once again -that's just me guessing based on this limited info. Your sister wants to be in control of things and for some reason, derives some level of satisfaction from excluding you. These are not the actions of an emotionally healthy individual...which makes me curious as to what mom was like. This family dynamic didn't happen overnight.
Something that maybe has not occurred to you -but it's totally okay if you don't have a relationship with any of these people. The fact that you are biologically related does not automatically yoke you to these people indefinitely. The fact that your father is a widower does not obligate you to care for him. You are not legally required to sacrifice your own mental well-being in order to see to the needs of any of these people. Yes, in a perfect world we would all want to do good and care for others, but when we do it at our own expense, it's not healthy.
I'm going to go out on another limb here -once again a stab in the dark based on limited info- but you seem like perhaps the sort of person who has a hard time setting boundaries with the people in your life. Boundaries means making it known -whether explicitly or implicitly- that there's a limit to what you are willing to tolerate from the people around you. Often people take advantage because they know they can. They screw you over because they know that while you might be angry, you're not actually going to "do" anything about it.
I'm curious to know more about why you and sister can't be in the same room together.