Is there even a term or name for this...
The issue I am facing as of this moment is not nearly bad enough compared to what most people here write about-- but I feel really stuck and confused! Some information, or some answers is all I'm looking for.
For the past couple of years my state of mind, including opinions, empathy/sympathy, what I think is right/wrong, beliefs etc... have been changing at least a few times a day. The main thing is that once I look back I either disagree with what I thought before or am shocked to find that there were some really absurd thoughts that I thought were normal-- and that's the thing, they're not even intrusive.
Some days I find there's a total absence of fear, or apathy to something I know I'm supposed to (and usually do) fear or wish to avoid. Or complete apathy towards people whom I love and care about! The kind of apathy that's usually when someone is very angry, and ends up saying or doing hurtful things which they afterwards regret. Except there's no strong nor negative emotions here clouding my mind (and I'm usually really emotional aaa..) I have not acted upon any of these thoughts or feelings (or lack therof) because this mindstate changes soon enough and because I'm always simultaneously aware that my intentions at the given moment are wrong, and yet they don't stop...it's like there's two opposing sides in my mind.
I haven't specified what said thoughts/intentions/feelings actually are, but I hope I'm making enough sense here without having to do that.
With the way things have been going and progressing, I think I have a right for mild concern! If I, for example, would become fully convinced that there's nothing wrong with my thoughts while in this apathetic state, I really would act out on it, and regret it only later-- realise it later. Doesn't seem likely now, but I get the feeling I'm being hinted at a potential problem here that could escalate under certain circumstances, and I do like to be on the safe side.
...So, 'the heck is going on? Is this stuff normal?
For the past couple of years my state of mind, including opinions, empathy/sympathy, what I think is right/wrong, beliefs etc... have been changing at least a few times a day. The main thing is that once I look back I either disagree with what I thought before or am shocked to find that there were some really absurd thoughts that I thought were normal-- and that's the thing, they're not even intrusive.
Some days I find there's a total absence of fear, or apathy to something I know I'm supposed to (and usually do) fear or wish to avoid. Or complete apathy towards people whom I love and care about! The kind of apathy that's usually when someone is very angry, and ends up saying or doing hurtful things which they afterwards regret. Except there's no strong nor negative emotions here clouding my mind (and I'm usually really emotional aaa..) I have not acted upon any of these thoughts or feelings (or lack therof) because this mindstate changes soon enough and because I'm always simultaneously aware that my intentions at the given moment are wrong, and yet they don't stop...it's like there's two opposing sides in my mind.
I haven't specified what said thoughts/intentions/feelings actually are, but I hope I'm making enough sense here without having to do that.
With the way things have been going and progressing, I think I have a right for mild concern! If I, for example, would become fully convinced that there's nothing wrong with my thoughts while in this apathetic state, I really would act out on it, and regret it only later-- realise it later. Doesn't seem likely now, but I get the feeling I'm being hinted at a potential problem here that could escalate under certain circumstances, and I do like to be on the safe side.
...So, 'the heck is going on? Is this stuff normal?
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Have you been feeling stressed lately..?
Hm, that's a good question... x'D because I can't deal with stress at all! If there happens to be even a bit of pressure I immediately get all anxious with headaches, itching palms, etc...
Emotions and opinions about things going all over the place often happens when you're under lots of pressure. That's why I was thinking if there was stress...
Yeah, you're right about that. If I may ask.. how do you, for one, handle stress?
Handling stress.. hmmm...
I let go. That's it. I don't have to carry all the worries in the world. Only the ones that are truly important.
...but, I'm not very good at letting go. I need to practice.
I let go. That's it. I don't have to carry all the worries in the world. Only the ones that are truly important.
...but, I'm not very good at letting go. I need to practice.
I would recommend to analyse your behaviour and write it down as a step guide. Starting from your thoughts then how those thoughts affect your feeling then how that affects your behaviour. Trying to understand what thoughts make you feel and act a certain way will get you one step closer to understanding the situation. You have to keep in mind that everything that happens to us is an affect of our perception of reality and essentially it is due to us thinking a certain way. I recommend to always keep positive and just try to look at the better side of things. It sounds ridiculous but if you try to always focus on the positive side of things your perception of the world will slowly change and this will affect your feelings and then your behaviour.
If this doesn't work I would recommend just talking to someone neutral about it.
BTW this is called the vicious cycle, it goes something like this:
Altered Behaviour -> Altered Feelings -> Altered Physical State -> Altered Behaviour
Hope this helps
If this doesn't work I would recommend just talking to someone neutral about it.
BTW this is called the vicious cycle, it goes something like this:
Altered Behaviour -> Altered Feelings -> Altered Physical State -> Altered Behaviour
Hope this helps
Woah, thanks a lot for the help! That makes perfect sense, to say the least.
I've been battling depression for years and have had periodical thoughts of suicide. If you ever need to talk, I'll listen and try to support you the best I can.
Thank you so much, but in that case I think I should be the one offering support here! Although I may not be able to empathise well-- I may not be able to understand your struggles with depression as much... You mentioned in your forum post that you've high-functioning autism? My brother's on the spectrum too, so it's something I'm very well familiar with. I don't remember the last time I've talked to someone about autism (outside my family) who doesn't have an "outside" view of it, if you get what I mean.
Gotcha, for me my depression was accelerated from academic struggles due to an anomaly created by my autism. I might finally be reaching a solution with that part. I still really struggle, however, with the parts of me not being able to bond with others, and maintain interests.
The definition of a mental illness is when a mental state starts to significantly interfere with your day-to-day life. Most people have some irregularity in their mental state but it's not an illness until they start being unable to function.
Anyway, it could be the first signs of a bigger problem, or it might just never get any worse than this. You might be under stress and just need better ways of coping, or it might be a chemical imbalance. It might even just be lack of light or exercise or positive social interaction.
You should probably talk to your doctor about it so that they can keep track of your mental condition and there will be a record of what's going on in case further action becomes necessary. They might recommend that you see a therapist or start some stress-reduction. On its own suicidal ideation is not a huge deal, a lot of people have thoughts like that and never actually do anything about it. But if it gets worse then you definitely want someone to know about it!
Anyway, it could be the first signs of a bigger problem, or it might just never get any worse than this. You might be under stress and just need better ways of coping, or it might be a chemical imbalance. It might even just be lack of light or exercise or positive social interaction.
You should probably talk to your doctor about it so that they can keep track of your mental condition and there will be a record of what's going on in case further action becomes necessary. They might recommend that you see a therapist or start some stress-reduction. On its own suicidal ideation is not a huge deal, a lot of people have thoughts like that and never actually do anything about it. But if it gets worse then you definitely want someone to know about it!
That make perfect sense, I'm not even sure how to answer other than-- thank you very much for the advice! :'o
"I haven't specified what said thoughts/intentions/feelings actually are, but I hope I'm making enough sense here without having to do that."
Unfortunately not, at least not for me, you might have to give some general examples. For you to ask for help on this matter makes me think it's something significant enough to make the effort to do so. Yet what you describe could just as well be wandering, stray thoughts. I get the feeling that isn't the case here and that there's something more that troubles you, but it's hard to understand. Can you give some general examples of these thoughts? Are they violent or harmful? How long do each of these periods last? Can you tell if there are specific causes for these periods, do they happen at certain times of day, or do they happen at random?
Unfortunately not, at least not for me, you might have to give some general examples. For you to ask for help on this matter makes me think it's something significant enough to make the effort to do so. Yet what you describe could just as well be wandering, stray thoughts. I get the feeling that isn't the case here and that there's something more that troubles you, but it's hard to understand. Can you give some general examples of these thoughts? Are they violent or harmful? How long do each of these periods last? Can you tell if there are specific causes for these periods, do they happen at certain times of day, or do they happen at random?
Oh, ok! I'll try explain. It's mostly just thoughts of suicide, thinking how it could be done and whatnot, I'm not gonna do it of course, but atm I wouldn't mind it either if there was an easy opportunity. The only real consequences are...well, grieving loved ones, I would not want that. Other times really absurd, paranoid ideas (e.g 'those people are laughing because they are reading my thoughts') and actually believing them...it's weird and confusing, to say the least. All those things like thoughts of self harm are there too but there's so much more that I can't find the words to describe. The part with the temporary apathy/indifference is clear enough, I guess..? I don't know the cause for any of it either because, frankly, I should be happy with the way things are in life right now. Can't see any pattern either, I just know that tomorrow or later on today I'll read this comment and think...what?? I was thinking of suicide? Did I actually write this and mean it? So...it's nothing urgent right now, but I feel reeally confused, like merely hearing others thoughts on the whole matter and looking at it from a stranger's viewpoint will fix it.
Ah, sounds like it could be the onset of a mild form of Depression. If you haven't done so, I'd suggest researching some information about it, it's somewhat common for teens to experience this.
I had such thoughts during my childhood, probably not the exact same as yours though. They were more scarce and more of these moments when I would curiously wonder about things like suicide or being paranoid about people laughing at me. I didn't think much of it at the time, they were just curious thoughts, but now that I look back, these were probably signs that were missed. In my situation, things got worse, but that's due to a lot of other factors that might not apply to you.
Of course, I'm not a professional therapist so don't count on me to diagnose you. Congratulations for being aware of this and asking about it though. Many people don't catch the signs and don't do anything about it until it develops into something worse. What you describe sounds like the symptoms of Depression disorder, though it sounds fairly mild at the moment. Things could get better or worse depending on many factors, including your current life, stress, diet, amount of emotional support, etc. I'd suggest talking to a therapist or counselor about this.
I had such thoughts during my childhood, probably not the exact same as yours though. They were more scarce and more of these moments when I would curiously wonder about things like suicide or being paranoid about people laughing at me. I didn't think much of it at the time, they were just curious thoughts, but now that I look back, these were probably signs that were missed. In my situation, things got worse, but that's due to a lot of other factors that might not apply to you.
Of course, I'm not a professional therapist so don't count on me to diagnose you. Congratulations for being aware of this and asking about it though. Many people don't catch the signs and don't do anything about it until it develops into something worse. What you describe sounds like the symptoms of Depression disorder, though it sounds fairly mild at the moment. Things could get better or worse depending on many factors, including your current life, stress, diet, amount of emotional support, etc. I'd suggest talking to a therapist or counselor about this.
I've read about depression before, it is the last thing I suspected and although I won't go around self-diagnosing either, it makes a lot of sense for it be an onset of a very mild form of depression. And if it's more common for teens, I reckon it won't simply worsen, so I can probably wait it out, lest something bad happens on the way. x'D sadly talking to a therapist or counselor is no option for me right now.. Thank you so much for telling me all that!
But man.. you were curious about such things as a kid? I wasn't even aware of the idea of suicide for most of my childhood. How are you doing nowadays?
But man.. you were curious about such things as a kid? I wasn't even aware of the idea of suicide for most of my childhood. How are you doing nowadays?
Well, I've had a couple of bad episodes throughout the past decade or so. Then I had a really bad one that lasted for several years. In fact, I've just starting to come out of it in the past couple months. It's been a constant struggle but I've learned a lot about how the mind works and for now I'm more or less fine.