Dad has anger issues and I might have anxiety because of it?
So I'm fourteen and I'm not entirely sure if my dad has anger issues. He blows up now and then (mostly everyday) and uh..
Okay, so he does have temper issues. He's short-tempered, prone to insulting people endlessly when they mess up, has hit my mom, me, or my brother several times over the course of our short, insignificant lives, (my brother is 8 as of now and I am 14 as previously mentioned- for some reason my dad favors my brother and is kind and understanding towards him most of the time, but my brother is still afraid of my dad despite that) and I'm pretty sure I have some sort of anxiety disorder because of that.
Earlier today- actually, just now! I was interrupted while typing this, and he came up and confronted me, and told me what I should do, and I told him my feelings and thoughts and conclusion, and all he did was shout that I had 'no rights' to 'disrespect' him. How was I disrespecting him? Sure, I was yelling and almost hysterical while half-panicking while telling him that I was afraid to tell him anything because all he would ever do would be to shut me down and not consider or listen to what I had to say. This probably wasn't the best way to present my point. Oops.
Anyhow, I could really use some help on this issue. How do I tell my dad that I'm not 'illusioned' or a 'stupid idiot,' and that 'blaming' someone for doing their 'job' wrong (apparently we all have a job and we're supposed to do it? And I'm supposed to be the perfect child who never messes up with attendance or grades or whatever? No, I'm not that person. No, I can never be that person. Yes, my thought structure is probably counter-productive in this situation) is the equivalent of yelling belittling insults at them?
How do I get him to listen to me and actually consider me?
Should I reach out for help from my guidance counselor?
And uh, how do I actually know where/ how to get an official diagnosis so I can see if I'm really anxious?
If I can't do any of that, what can I do? My parent's situation is a tricky one; they married and intended to divorce, but I was born in the middle of that. They stayed together because of me, and I really wish I wasn't born because of that.
They argue all the time because of this, and my dad makes most of the income that we live on. If they divorced (which we have discussed several times) then I would definitely stay with my mom, college, school, and living conditions aside.
Their arguments are almost always furious yelling matches that have violent movements to them. I remember waking up as a child to the sound of yelling, and lying awake at night listening to them argue endlessly- in a loop of insults, thoughts, and actions, I might add- about us (me and my brother/ just me), money, school, etc.
It might be worth adding that my dad has most definitely grown up in an environment like this, and his older brother (my uncle) does the exact same thing to his wife (my aunt). I know this, and my dad knows that I know, (he's told me twelve million stories about what his childhood was like) and I've been trying to solve this without help up until now. I don't think that's an option at this point though, seeing as my dad is literally taking the time I could use for homework and other things that I need to do and spending it on insulting, belittling, or arguing with me. I don't want to hurt my dad but I don't want him to hurt me anymore. He carries a lot of pride due to how he was able to move from a really poor province in China (my entire family is of Chinese blood) to the United States, and I'm quite afraid to shatter that pride.
Heck; he's screaming that I have been destined to be a 'loser' because of the habits I have. He may be right (and he probably is) but that doesn't mean he should say that in the way he is saying it. He's the parent here; the one who's supposed to be caring and understanding, the one who's supposed to help one get better, and isn't supposed to further the problem by enforcing the idea that I will be a loser upon me.
Okay, so he does have temper issues. He's short-tempered, prone to insulting people endlessly when they mess up, has hit my mom, me, or my brother several times over the course of our short, insignificant lives, (my brother is 8 as of now and I am 14 as previously mentioned- for some reason my dad favors my brother and is kind and understanding towards him most of the time, but my brother is still afraid of my dad despite that) and I'm pretty sure I have some sort of anxiety disorder because of that.
Earlier today- actually, just now! I was interrupted while typing this, and he came up and confronted me, and told me what I should do, and I told him my feelings and thoughts and conclusion, and all he did was shout that I had 'no rights' to 'disrespect' him. How was I disrespecting him? Sure, I was yelling and almost hysterical while half-panicking while telling him that I was afraid to tell him anything because all he would ever do would be to shut me down and not consider or listen to what I had to say. This probably wasn't the best way to present my point. Oops.
Anyhow, I could really use some help on this issue. How do I tell my dad that I'm not 'illusioned' or a 'stupid idiot,' and that 'blaming' someone for doing their 'job' wrong (apparently we all have a job and we're supposed to do it? And I'm supposed to be the perfect child who never messes up with attendance or grades or whatever? No, I'm not that person. No, I can never be that person. Yes, my thought structure is probably counter-productive in this situation) is the equivalent of yelling belittling insults at them?
How do I get him to listen to me and actually consider me?
Should I reach out for help from my guidance counselor?
And uh, how do I actually know where/ how to get an official diagnosis so I can see if I'm really anxious?
If I can't do any of that, what can I do? My parent's situation is a tricky one; they married and intended to divorce, but I was born in the middle of that. They stayed together because of me, and I really wish I wasn't born because of that.
They argue all the time because of this, and my dad makes most of the income that we live on. If they divorced (which we have discussed several times) then I would definitely stay with my mom, college, school, and living conditions aside.
Their arguments are almost always furious yelling matches that have violent movements to them. I remember waking up as a child to the sound of yelling, and lying awake at night listening to them argue endlessly- in a loop of insults, thoughts, and actions, I might add- about us (me and my brother/ just me), money, school, etc.
It might be worth adding that my dad has most definitely grown up in an environment like this, and his older brother (my uncle) does the exact same thing to his wife (my aunt). I know this, and my dad knows that I know, (he's told me twelve million stories about what his childhood was like) and I've been trying to solve this without help up until now. I don't think that's an option at this point though, seeing as my dad is literally taking the time I could use for homework and other things that I need to do and spending it on insulting, belittling, or arguing with me. I don't want to hurt my dad but I don't want him to hurt me anymore. He carries a lot of pride due to how he was able to move from a really poor province in China (my entire family is of Chinese blood) to the United States, and I'm quite afraid to shatter that pride.
Heck; he's screaming that I have been destined to be a 'loser' because of the habits I have. He may be right (and he probably is) but that doesn't mean he should say that in the way he is saying it. He's the parent here; the one who's supposed to be caring and understanding, the one who's supposed to help one get better, and isn't supposed to further the problem by enforcing the idea that I will be a loser upon me.
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Thank you guys, really, thank you. ;w; I don't know what else to say, but I've 'reached out' as best as I can, and things are changing.
I have no idea what's changing, and I can't see any visible results, but things are changing.
Thank you for your advice, and for your time, and for everything else you said. It's helped. It's really, really helped. ;w;
I'm going to close this thread now because I believe that your advice has helped, and things are changing, and that's good, because it shouldn't stay the same way forever, not this way. ;w;
Thank you, again.
I have no idea what's changing, and I can't see any visible results, but things are changing.
Thank you for your advice, and for your time, and for everything else you said. It's helped. It's really, really helped. ;w;
I'm going to close this thread now because I believe that your advice has helped, and things are changing, and that's good, because it shouldn't stay the same way forever, not this way. ;w;
Thank you, again.
ow my gosh you remind me so much of my 14-year-old self *cries*. my dad used to yell at me and my family for no reason, and he'd get so angry, we'd always be scared and anxious of him. we always walked on eggshells to try to not make him angry. we'd do anything to have him happy. but it wouldn't work all the time, he'd explode at frequent times and I hated that. I still hate those memories, I still kinda not like my dad for that (what I actually mean is that I hated him in those situations, he was the only person ever I hated more than myself). he would never listen, he would never reason, all he cared about was what he thought, felt, experienced. there was no way for me to fend or to express my own frustrations. it eventually let me to be depressed and suicidal, the pressure and the stress were too much and there was no-one to talk to about all that. it was really horrible and my life was so dark back then.
I'm 23 now, and I want to give you an advice. please, please get help. I didn't know asking for help was an option back then. if I'd known, I'd done so. emotional abuse is still abuse, it gives you damage on the inside that will never fade away, that's not what you want. you're already experiencing anxiety, don't let it go from bad to worse. talk to a teacher or a counceler or anyone else from outside your family. schools often have people trained to help in situations like yours, or else just ask a random teacher for help. people are precious, you are so precious. don't let yourself get broken by what your dad is doing to you or telling you. you're worth more than his critique and stupid words. you deserve better than the situation you're in now. maybe your dad doesn't realize it, for whatever reason that may be. but an outside person can have more sense and they'll know what to do or what's best for you.
I wish you strength to find a way to cope with your anxiety. and I hope you'll find a way to escape from your dad, or at least from his bad behaviour.
I'm 23 now, and I want to give you an advice. please, please get help. I didn't know asking for help was an option back then. if I'd known, I'd done so. emotional abuse is still abuse, it gives you damage on the inside that will never fade away, that's not what you want. you're already experiencing anxiety, don't let it go from bad to worse. talk to a teacher or a counceler or anyone else from outside your family. schools often have people trained to help in situations like yours, or else just ask a random teacher for help. people are precious, you are so precious. don't let yourself get broken by what your dad is doing to you or telling you. you're worth more than his critique and stupid words. you deserve better than the situation you're in now. maybe your dad doesn't realize it, for whatever reason that may be. but an outside person can have more sense and they'll know what to do or what's best for you.
I wish you strength to find a way to cope with your anxiety. and I hope you'll find a way to escape from your dad, or at least from his bad behaviour.
Oh god that sounds just like my dad. ;w; BUT I've reached out and things are changing, whether for the worse or the best. ;w;
Thank you for your words of advice though, this is just.. thank you.
I don't have much else to say but 'thank you.' ;w;
Thank you for your words of advice though, this is just.. thank you.
I don't have much else to say but 'thank you.' ;w;
Reach out for people, yes. Anyone who can be of support. Anxiety is hardly worth the pride of being able to "handle things alone".
Also, I have to say that he is trying to make you a loser who fears people with some real talent. I hope he doesn't succeed.
Also, I have to say that he is trying to make you a loser who fears people with some real talent. I hope he doesn't succeed.
I've reached out, in a way, I guess. ;w; Thank you for your advice, really, thank you.
I already do fear people with talent, in a way, but anything can be a poison or a cure, depending on how you use it- at least I hope so. ^^"
I already do fear people with talent, in a way, but anything can be a poison or a cure, depending on how you use it- at least I hope so. ^^"
Please don't let what he says get to your heart, it doesn't even sounds like he is considering what he says before he throws critic... and you seem to be one of his favorite targets.
My parents was also arguing but split up and now I live with my mother, last time I saw my dad (which last sunday I think) it didn't end really well... I think I would have some understanding of your situation but your sounds much more alarming, feel free to text me if you need it.
My parents was also arguing but split up and now I live with my mother, last time I saw my dad (which last sunday I think) it didn't end really well... I think I would have some understanding of your situation but your sounds much more alarming, feel free to text me if you need it.
Sorry for the late reply, I can't seem to ever reply consistently. ;w; Thank you though, and though I'm not quite sure that's possible for me, I suppose I'll try. ;^;
Oh nooo! ;w; Both of our situations are alarming in their own way, but I'm alright as of now, and I certainly hope you are. ;w;
Oh nooo! ;w; Both of our situations are alarming in their own way, but I'm alright as of now, and I certainly hope you are. ;w;
That's the way, try your best!
Yeah that was a little dramatic, and I plan to see him on sunday again so it's not that bad. However take care~
Yeah that was a little dramatic, and I plan to see him on sunday again so it's not that bad. However take care~
i'm sorry man that's horrible, i have the same kind of problem , though it has calmed down a lot in the last few years.
it's probably best to get away from that as soon as you can because having to live with that screws you up. it's not your fault he's like that and it's not your fault that they had you. I'm not really sure how to deal with it in the short term but good luck with it man
definitely ask the counsellor for help though!
it's probably best to get away from that as soon as you can because having to live with that screws you up. it's not your fault he's like that and it's not your fault that they had you. I'm not really sure how to deal with it in the short term but good luck with it man
definitely ask the counsellor for help though!It's really nice to know that other people actually have this kind of problem. ;w; I'm so sorry that you have to go through this though, it's not something anybody should have to go through.
Also, sorry for the late response! I haven't really been feeling up to respond in the past week or so- life's not so nice. ^^"
A lot of people have been telling me to distance myself, but as of now I have a 'spell' of safety, which is where I feel like I'm really safe and everything's going to be okay, so I think I'm going to be alright!
Thank you so much for your words, I honestly can't say how nice it feels to have someone say that. ;w;
Also, sorry for the late response! I haven't really been feeling up to respond in the past week or so- life's not so nice. ^^"
A lot of people have been telling me to distance myself, but as of now I have a 'spell' of safety, which is where I feel like I'm really safe and everything's going to be okay, so I think I'm going to be alright!
Thank you so much for your words, I honestly can't say how nice it feels to have someone say that. ;w;
That's a really tough situation.Move out as soon as you can. a toxic environment is not good for your mental health. or if you know someone that your father would listen to, perhaps he would listen. Older people really got big egos. if you are a lot younger than them, they won't listen to you even if what you're saying is logical. I wish you well and I hope you don't absorb your dad's negative behavior.
Sorry for the late reply, I was feeling really anti-social and couldn't really do anything this week.
I think it's okay, as of now. But thank you for commenting! I believe that the source of my dad's behavior is simply his childhood, which was filled with sadness and is probably actually quite similar to mine.
There's only three and a half or so years for me left, so I think I can make it!
I think it's okay, as of now. But thank you for commenting! I believe that the source of my dad's behavior is simply his childhood, which was filled with sadness and is probably actually quite similar to mine.
There's only three and a half or so years for me left, so I think I can make it!
![Llama Emoji-20 (Grumpy) [V1]](https://orig15.deviantart.net/dba2/f/2013/320/5/c/llama_emoji_21__grumpy__by_jerikuto-d6uf4xn.gif)
I completely messed up this comment. I can't delete it. ...I would have liked to know what that comment was, but those llamas are pretty nice too. xD
It was basically just the other one only in the wrong place lol. 
I'm really sorry to hear this. I can relate to you in a way because this is a lot like my stepdad and family situation. My stepfather is a sociopathic narcissist diagnosed by actual counselors, therapists, and abuse counselors. He likes to have control over everyone and everything we do to the point of leaving us with only a few dollars in the bank for a week while he has a secret bank account with a lot of money in it. But, what I'm trying to say is that the way your father acts is a lot like mine. Perhaps, you should look up narcissism online, read about the symptoms and determine whether or not he may have that.
There are abuse hotlines and places you can find if things get really bad and you need help. It depends on where you live, though. You should go on the National Domestic Violence Hotline website.
Here is a chart that our abuse counselor gave to us to figure out all the ways he abuses us.
It's called the power and control wheel.
www.thehotline.org/2013/08/tak…
As for wondering if you have anxiety, I should think you probably do in an environment like that. But if you want to see for yourself you could take this psychology test:
psychologytoday.tests.psychtes…
Although, it might be good to see a psychiatrist to help you cope with it. I know I was never very anxious until my stepfather started acting that way. I got a 97% on that test. But I mean, if you think you have anxiety, you probably do. Your home doesn't sound like a very calm place to come home to. If your heart always just starts racing out of nowhere, if you have panic attacks, if your muscles are always tense, those may be some big signs that you're anxious.
I hope I helped you out a little, and that you could read this alright.
Oh, and by the way, don't let anyone tell you you're a failure or a loser. Every human has an incredible potential to be strong and break out of hardships. You'll get out of this rut and prove him wrong! I'm in the harsh process of doing this myself. Good luck!
There are abuse hotlines and places you can find if things get really bad and you need help. It depends on where you live, though. You should go on the National Domestic Violence Hotline website.
Here is a chart that our abuse counselor gave to us to figure out all the ways he abuses us.
It's called the power and control wheel.
www.thehotline.org/2013/08/tak…
As for wondering if you have anxiety, I should think you probably do in an environment like that. But if you want to see for yourself you could take this psychology test:
psychologytoday.tests.psychtes…
Although, it might be good to see a psychiatrist to help you cope with it. I know I was never very anxious until my stepfather started acting that way. I got a 97% on that test. But I mean, if you think you have anxiety, you probably do. Your home doesn't sound like a very calm place to come home to. If your heart always just starts racing out of nowhere, if you have panic attacks, if your muscles are always tense, those may be some big signs that you're anxious.
I hope I helped you out a little, and that you could read this alright.
Oh, and by the way, don't let anyone tell you you're a failure or a loser. Every human has an incredible potential to be strong and break out of hardships. You'll get out of this rut and prove him wrong! I'm in the harsh process of doing this myself. Good luck!
I'm so sorry about your stepfather. ;w; It's quite relieving to hear firsthand about someone who has gone through a similar situation, honestly. Each individual situation is quite different, so the more I hear and know, the better, I think.
I've looked up narcissism and I believe my dad may have some traces of it, but it's hard to tell, especially after I've spent a long time with him not being angry. (Which isn't all that long and basically equates to us being silent during a 30 minute jog.) Are there any ways to tell him that he's slightly narcissistic and he might want to go and see if he needs to be diagnosed or is this a hopeless thought..?
Thanks for the advice and everything you've said so far. ;w; And thank you, really, for sharing your story and relating to me. ;w;
I've looked up narcissism and I believe my dad may have some traces of it, but it's hard to tell, especially after I've spent a long time with him not being angry. (Which isn't all that long and basically equates to us being silent during a 30 minute jog.) Are there any ways to tell him that he's slightly narcissistic and he might want to go and see if he needs to be diagnosed or is this a hopeless thought..?
Thanks for the advice and everything you've said so far. ;w; And thank you, really, for sharing your story and relating to me. ;w;
Well, I can tell you we've tried many times to tell him nicely that he is a narcissist and we even brought him to family counseling to see if he'd change, but he always ends up getting mad at us for being criticizing, shuts us off completely and doesn't talk to us for weeks (he's even left us to fend for ourselves in a hurricane all because he was mad at me), or he'll try to flip it on you and tell you that it's all your fault he acts this way or he'll point out all your flaws and make you feel like crap.
I guess, the nicest way to do it would be to bring him to like a family therapy session or something. Maybe hearing somebody else other than his family members, and listening to someone who went to school for it will help. Sometimes that works with my stepdad. Not much, though. He always thinks he's right about everything
And thank you! You helped me, too! It's good to know I'm not alone in this, either. I actually don't know anyone irl with this problem as deep as my family's, and whenever I try to tell my friends about it, they think I'm crazy because my stepdad was always nice to them. At home he's completely different. It's all an act.
I really hope things work out for you!
I guess, the nicest way to do it would be to bring him to like a family therapy session or something. Maybe hearing somebody else other than his family members, and listening to someone who went to school for it will help. Sometimes that works with my stepdad. Not much, though. He always thinks he's right about everything
And thank you! You helped me, too! It's good to know I'm not alone in this, either. I actually don't know anyone irl with this problem as deep as my family's, and whenever I try to tell my friends about it, they think I'm crazy because my stepdad was always nice to them. At home he's completely different. It's all an act.
I really hope things work out for you!
Sorry for the late reply! I've been having a sucky week and didn't really feel like doing anything but curling up into myself and drowning myself in fantasies. ^^"
...I honestly think that my dad would react the exact same way, albeit in a less extreme manner. And he does that sometimes now- he basically blames my mom or me for 'pushing him past the edge.'
Hm.. I'm skeptical about how much that would work (it'll probably be just like your stepdad ^^") but if that's the best I've got going, I'll give it a try!
Oh, my dad does that too, but my friends all (somehow) have some difficult life problems and can understand. :T I really hope things work out for you too! None of us are in this alone, ever, and I personally think that anything like this can be hard to understand for those who haven't gone through it/ another thing similar/ don't have a naturally sympathizing nature, but it's okay because in the end, you're still friends because of nothing but friendship, right?
I'm sorry if this sounds cliche or cheesy but I'm in a really good mood and I wanna bathe in it. xD
...I honestly think that my dad would react the exact same way, albeit in a less extreme manner. And he does that sometimes now- he basically blames my mom or me for 'pushing him past the edge.'
Hm.. I'm skeptical about how much that would work (it'll probably be just like your stepdad ^^") but if that's the best I've got going, I'll give it a try!
Oh, my dad does that too, but my friends all (somehow) have some difficult life problems and can understand. :T I really hope things work out for you too! None of us are in this alone, ever, and I personally think that anything like this can be hard to understand for those who haven't gone through it/ another thing similar/ don't have a naturally sympathizing nature, but it's okay because in the end, you're still friends because of nothing but friendship, right?
I'm sorry if this sounds cliche or cheesy but I'm in a really good mood and I wanna bathe in it. xD
Well, I hope it goes well if you do try something. Hopefully, he will understand.
And yeah, I'll always be good friends with them no matter what bad things happen. It may sound cliche and cheesy, but it's true! I'm glad you're feeling better!
And yeah, I'll always be good friends with them no matter what bad things happen. It may sound cliche and cheesy, but it's true! I'm glad you're feeling better!
What are your options? Is moving out an option? To a friend's place maybe?
www.wikihow.com/Run-Away-from-…
www.wikihow.com/Run-Away-from-…
I could try to move to a friend's place, but I'm going to try to talk to my counselor about this (like in the wikihow you linked me ;w
before anything happens. Thank you for your advice. ;w;
At this point I'm not sure if I should move out though, because despite everything he says, my dad still moved my entire family mainly so that me and my brother could go to a 'better' school district. ;w; I'm very confused when it comes to this because it sends conflicting messages to me; 'I care about you so we're going to move to ensure you have a better future,' but also 'when you mess up you're an idiot and a failure to me and I'm ashamed you're my daughter.' ;w;
I can stay here for a remaining four years or so and move out as fast as I can after I finish high school, but I'm scared that might send an 'ungrateful' message to him. ;w;
before anything happens. Thank you for your advice. ;w;At this point I'm not sure if I should move out though, because despite everything he says, my dad still moved my entire family mainly so that me and my brother could go to a 'better' school district. ;w; I'm very confused when it comes to this because it sends conflicting messages to me; 'I care about you so we're going to move to ensure you have a better future,' but also 'when you mess up you're an idiot and a failure to me and I'm ashamed you're my daughter.' ;w;
I can stay here for a remaining four years or so and move out as fast as I can after I finish high school, but I'm scared that might send an 'ungrateful' message to him. ;w;
Ok, so he is emotionally and physically abusive. I would say yes, talk to the counsellor (or a teacher, or so on), they probably have a reasonable idea what steps to take in that situation.
Thank you for your advice. ;w;