Losing friend because of boyfriend?
I have a close group of friends, let's call them S, K and O. S and K are who I consider my best friend and we've known each other for at least 6 years whereas O came in later.
I was never that close with O but I've known her for 4-5 years and she almost became part of this group we had. Recently (7-8 months ago) she got a boyfriend and started to talk less and less with us. As mentioned, she wasn't exactly one of my best friends but a good friend, nonetheless.
In the beginning, when asking her to hang out, she would answer something along "I don't know." and then later saying she had a date with her boyfriend, it being painfully obvious she just made the date after we asked her. Now she just responds with "I can't because I have to be together with my boyfriend" no matter the date. They have literally been together every hour of the day in 5 months. I kid you not: they take the same classes, sleep together, go to school together, eat together, sit beside each other on the bus.
I think that S and K consider her as some of their best friends as S and O were in the same class for 3 years and K went to the same sports club as her. They’re all in the same class now (not me, though) but S and K rarely talk with her because she is only ever together with her boyfriend. I know, I know: we can just all get along, right? No. Not that her boyfriend is a “bad” person, but he is just really … uncomfortable (?) to be around ?? Like, he will always make jokes and comments like: “did you drop some oil in your hair? Hoho, I guess you just haven’t showered in some weeks!! Hoho”. Like wth. He does that all the time, making these almost cruel jokes and being passive aggressive every time we try to talk with O. K came out as gay some months ago to O and her boyfriend just “outed” K’s sexuality to the rest of the class without his consent and have been trying to set K up with the guys in the class – making K’s conversations with other people really awkward because of the boyfriend’s attempt to set him up with other guys (you just don’t do that)
We have a weekend (the first in months) in which her boyfriend isn’t around and should I say anything? It doesn’t seem like she still wants to be friends?? Should I confront her?? K and S have been trying to talk with her and keep up the contact for months but she usually just cut them off. I don’t really want to keep trying (if she doesn’t want to talk to us, then let her be), but on the other hand, I don’t want to lose a long time friend?
heeelp
(I apologise for my bad English)
I was never that close with O but I've known her for 4-5 years and she almost became part of this group we had. Recently (7-8 months ago) she got a boyfriend and started to talk less and less with us. As mentioned, she wasn't exactly one of my best friends but a good friend, nonetheless.
In the beginning, when asking her to hang out, she would answer something along "I don't know." and then later saying she had a date with her boyfriend, it being painfully obvious she just made the date after we asked her. Now she just responds with "I can't because I have to be together with my boyfriend" no matter the date. They have literally been together every hour of the day in 5 months. I kid you not: they take the same classes, sleep together, go to school together, eat together, sit beside each other on the bus.
I think that S and K consider her as some of their best friends as S and O were in the same class for 3 years and K went to the same sports club as her. They’re all in the same class now (not me, though) but S and K rarely talk with her because she is only ever together with her boyfriend. I know, I know: we can just all get along, right? No. Not that her boyfriend is a “bad” person, but he is just really … uncomfortable (?) to be around ?? Like, he will always make jokes and comments like: “did you drop some oil in your hair? Hoho, I guess you just haven’t showered in some weeks!! Hoho”. Like wth. He does that all the time, making these almost cruel jokes and being passive aggressive every time we try to talk with O. K came out as gay some months ago to O and her boyfriend just “outed” K’s sexuality to the rest of the class without his consent and have been trying to set K up with the guys in the class – making K’s conversations with other people really awkward because of the boyfriend’s attempt to set him up with other guys (you just don’t do that)
We have a weekend (the first in months) in which her boyfriend isn’t around and should I say anything? It doesn’t seem like she still wants to be friends?? Should I confront her?? K and S have been trying to talk with her and keep up the contact for months but she usually just cut them off. I don’t really want to keep trying (if she doesn’t want to talk to us, then let her be), but on the other hand, I don’t want to lose a long time friend?
heeelp
(I apologise for my bad English)
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Honestly, I think that relationship with her boyfriend will end, and if so well try to contact her.
She dropped your friendship in preference of hanging out with a boy. What does that tell you?
I don't think she really cares about staying friends, to be honest. So, you shouldn't hold so much value on this person, who evidently doesn't hold value on you. If she cared about the friendship, she would have set aside time to hang out with you consistently even though she is dating. But, I wouldn't be worried about losing this "friend." She made it clear that it was okay to lose you for someone else. Just my 2 cents. There are better people to be spending your time with, ones that you won't have to beg to hang out with
I don't think she really cares about staying friends, to be honest. So, you shouldn't hold so much value on this person, who evidently doesn't hold value on you. If she cared about the friendship, she would have set aside time to hang out with you consistently even though she is dating. But, I wouldn't be worried about losing this "friend." She made it clear that it was okay to lose you for someone else. Just my 2 cents. There are better people to be spending your time with, ones that you won't have to beg to hang out with
It sounds like just from what you are saying that this guy is controlling and possessive and is isolating her so that only he has influence. BUT I could just be reading waaay too much into it, but your cruel jokes example made me think that was it. I mean it's normal for her to spend most of her time with him, but she shouldn't be spending all of it together, she should still want to see her friends sometimes.
Unfortunately, if she is letting him do that to her there may not be much you can do. Instead of inviting her out on the dot, maybe ask her if there is a day she will be free to hang out - be honest and tell her you miss her and really want to hang out sometime, that you are happy she has a bf and you want her to be happy, but you don't want to lose your friendship with her.
I would be really concerned but as I said I could be reading into this all wrong, but if you are concerned you should find some online sources about men who isolate women and show it to her. But be understanding and don't push it, if she doesn't want to hear it you may have to back off if you go this route.
Just searching controlling bf I came up with this with isolating from friends as the number one sign of a controlling bf: love.allwomenstalk.com/signs-y…
If you see any other alarming behavior or signs of abuse you should let her family know.
Unfortunately, if she is letting him do that to her there may not be much you can do. Instead of inviting her out on the dot, maybe ask her if there is a day she will be free to hang out - be honest and tell her you miss her and really want to hang out sometime, that you are happy she has a bf and you want her to be happy, but you don't want to lose your friendship with her.
I would be really concerned but as I said I could be reading into this all wrong, but if you are concerned you should find some online sources about men who isolate women and show it to her. But be understanding and don't push it, if she doesn't want to hear it you may have to back off if you go this route.
Just searching controlling bf I came up with this with isolating from friends as the number one sign of a controlling bf: love.allwomenstalk.com/signs-y…
If you see any other alarming behavior or signs of abuse you should let her family know.
Ahhhh, thank you for all the concern but I don't think it is quite so serious (?). It seems to be some kind of "mutual jalousi" and they're both pretty possessive of each other (not that it is more "healthy") since it is mostly her that state how they HAVE to be together all the time. She also took it very hard when her boyfriend came out as bisexual (some stereotype that bis are more cheating or something...)
I will of course be watching out for "red flags" (if the relationship ever develop into something more dangerous). Thank you again for your concern and advice! I appreciate it a lot.
I will of course be watching out for "red flags" (if the relationship ever develop into something more dangerous). Thank you again for your concern and advice! I appreciate it a lot.
ah okay, I wasn't really sure, but it's always good to you know, be on the lookout lol. 
guess I did jump the gun, maybe I've been reading too many stories like that, went to my head.
Anyway if you want to hang out more, I still suggest asking her about a day when she's free. And if it doesn't work, you can let it go and wait for her to ask you to hang out.
That is pretty weird sounding relationship, I mean when I first started dating my bf, we still hung out with friends and the only reason we don't so much now is because they are all busy. Of course we do share most of our friends so it's definitely easier because we hang together and with them, not one or the other so much, although it does happen on occasion.
guess I did jump the gun, maybe I've been reading too many stories like that, went to my head.Anyway if you want to hang out more, I still suggest asking her about a day when she's free. And if it doesn't work, you can let it go and wait for her to ask you to hang out.
That is pretty weird sounding relationship, I mean when I first started dating my bf, we still hung out with friends and the only reason we don't so much now is because they are all busy. Of course we do share most of our friends so it's definitely easier because we hang together and with them, not one or the other so much, although it does happen on occasion.
Yup, I've known a lot of couples but none of them were together all the time....
If she wants to spend more time with her boyfriend, just let her; it's not like you can force her to spend time with your group, and it's not that pleasant to know she is going to choose her boyfriend over you all the time. You've known her for years but now she seems to have taken a different path. I think it's unhealthy to solely spend time with one person but a lot of people do, and unfortunately I can't say that they are very happy either, the ones I know at least. At some point you will need time for yourself, or time for others. Too much time with one person can also cause more fights.
hmm, yes. K once told me that they O and her boyfriend refused to talk with each other for hours, because of some fight over a bag of chips or something...
Yes, you should definitely talk to her about it. Any friendship or relationship in general requires 50/50 from both parties, although there are exceptions to the rule. Another thing is that I agree with what Veneris says. Still let her know what you're bothered about, but be a bit understanding towards her situation. So if her boyfriend continues to be a douche, even after you've had your talk with "O", you and your friends should agree to make it awkward for him to be around. Like if he says something mean, be like "that's not funny" or "you ruined it" or something along those lines. If "O" doesn't listen even after the talk, then you should let the friendship with her take it's natural course. Basically, what everyone else besides CriogenReptyle said. (No offense Crio).
Crio says bitter truth. Nobody likes it.
Okay - I really want to get all the misunderstandings around this cleared. Thank you for your answer, I appreciate it a lot!
No problem, was my advice any good?
yes!
Alright, cool, best of luck mate.
The thing is that people in love have different brain chemistry. Hanging out with someone you love gives your brain a massive reward and you want that reward over and over again. It's like being addicted to drugs.
But that feeling doesn't last forever. Eventually it fades away and then if the lover haven't developed a good relationship based on other things they usually end up breaking up. And even if the relationship lasts, it doesn't feel the same as that early obsessive love.
I don't think you have to run after your friend and try to get her to spend time with you (since she probably won't want to), but being a little understanding of the situation can't hurt. It's not that she's cruel or stuck-up, it's that she's young and doesn't realize that a person has to maintain social friendships even if they are in love, because a boyfriend (or girlfriend) can't be a person's entire world. So if you don't want to hang out with both of them together then just call O an occasional acquaintance rather than a friend and remain friendly to her (even if you dislike her boyfriend). He sounds like a douchebag so when the obsessive love fades away they will likely break up.
If you do occasionally want to do things together with her, invite both of them along and then if he says mean things, agree with all your friends to make things awkward for him. Say things like "that wasn't a nice thing to say" or "that joke wasn't funny." If he plays nice then be nice back. If he doesn't get rewarded for saying mean things and if his mean comments always seem to ruin the mood then he may cut back on them, at least to your face. Or he'll decide that hanging out with you and your friends is not fun and then it won't be your problem any more.
But that feeling doesn't last forever. Eventually it fades away and then if the lover haven't developed a good relationship based on other things they usually end up breaking up. And even if the relationship lasts, it doesn't feel the same as that early obsessive love.
I don't think you have to run after your friend and try to get her to spend time with you (since she probably won't want to), but being a little understanding of the situation can't hurt. It's not that she's cruel or stuck-up, it's that she's young and doesn't realize that a person has to maintain social friendships even if they are in love, because a boyfriend (or girlfriend) can't be a person's entire world. So if you don't want to hang out with both of them together then just call O an occasional acquaintance rather than a friend and remain friendly to her (even if you dislike her boyfriend). He sounds like a douchebag so when the obsessive love fades away they will likely break up.
If you do occasionally want to do things together with her, invite both of them along and then if he says mean things, agree with all your friends to make things awkward for him. Say things like "that wasn't a nice thing to say" or "that joke wasn't funny." If he plays nice then be nice back. If he doesn't get rewarded for saying mean things and if his mean comments always seem to ruin the mood then he may cut back on them, at least to your face. Or he'll decide that hanging out with you and your friends is not fun and then it won't be your problem any more.
whoa, thank you so much for the long and thoughtful answer! That makes sense: I think that the relationship between O and her boyfriend is the first serious relationship they both had had.
Should I say something the day we have a sleepover, since it is the first time we have the opportunity to talk without her boyfriend being present? I am not sure if she realise how much she have isolated herself and I remember her saying that she wanted to be with us "if we wanted her to join". That sounds like O is the one not welcome and I've been wondering if we have been sending wrong signals; that she thinks we don't want to spend time with her. (But from our perspective she doesn't want to spend time with us). I just want to have a conversation were we get all the cards down and try to clear all the misunderstandings between us but I'm afraid it will push her further away.
Or should I just wait for it to "fade"? I've been trying to not pressure her into spending time with us and just keeping a distance but 8 months is an awful long time to be inseparable from a boyfriend...
Should I say something the day we have a sleepover, since it is the first time we have the opportunity to talk without her boyfriend being present? I am not sure if she realise how much she have isolated herself and I remember her saying that she wanted to be with us "if we wanted her to join". That sounds like O is the one not welcome and I've been wondering if we have been sending wrong signals; that she thinks we don't want to spend time with her. (But from our perspective she doesn't want to spend time with us). I just want to have a conversation were we get all the cards down and try to clear all the misunderstandings between us but I'm afraid it will push her further away.
Or should I just wait for it to "fade"? I've been trying to not pressure her into spending time with us and just keeping a distance but 8 months is an awful long time to be inseparable from a boyfriend...
I think it's worth saying that you miss spending time with her and that you would like to do things together more often. If you mention her boyfriend she might get defensive and that might push her away. But if you keep things positive then there's nothing there for her to object to. I mean... people generally like to be told that other people want their company.
It may take quite a long time for the obsessive phase to "fade" since it is based biologically on couples having children together. So I wouldn't wait. If she doesn't seem to want to make plans with you and your friends then just think of her as someone you used to be close to and maybe someone who you can be friends with again in the future.
It may take quite a long time for the obsessive phase to "fade" since it is based biologically on couples having children together. So I wouldn't wait. If she doesn't seem to want to make plans with you and your friends then just think of her as someone you used to be close to and maybe someone who you can be friends with again in the future.
Okay, thank you! I'll do that.
I have heard a statistic somewhere that for getting a boy/girlfriend you loose two of your friends. I wouldn't put too much weight on that claim, but it is inevitable that your relationships with your friends will not be as they were.
However there is a difference between "not having so much time etc." and "not giving a damn anymore". I am afraid that this O fits more into the second group (however I don't know her, so I can only assume from what you said). I'd just leave it be. If you asked her directly, she would probably give you some excuse to look like she cares, but "something".
I am not sure what to do however. Actualy I have a similar friend, who we were hanging out quite often, and after she met her boyfriend, she stopped even communicating with us, until she needed to help with something. Then she was all sweet and apologetic for a moment and after that vanished again. Some people have no appreciation for friendship, don't waste your energy on them but on the other ones instead.
However there is a difference between "not having so much time etc." and "not giving a damn anymore". I am afraid that this O fits more into the second group (however I don't know her, so I can only assume from what you said). I'd just leave it be. If you asked her directly, she would probably give you some excuse to look like she cares, but "something".
I am not sure what to do however. Actualy I have a similar friend, who we were hanging out quite often, and after she met her boyfriend, she stopped even communicating with us, until she needed to help with something. Then she was all sweet and apologetic for a moment and after that vanished again. Some people have no appreciation for friendship, don't waste your energy on them but on the other ones instead.
yeahh, she usually says something about it being cruel to let her boyfriend be alone (he doesn't seem to have friends?).. I think I'll just keep a little distance between us and move on.....
Very well. Good luck to the future 
thank you (also, thanks for answering my giant rant)
You are welcome.
everyone have their own choices you can't force someone to stay in your life. its better to let her go if she will feel for your group she will be back to you. but right now something else is important to her.
let her go, give her complete space she will definitely miss friends very soon. even if not then its her choice don't ask her anything.
let her go, give her complete space she will definitely miss friends very soon. even if not then its her choice don't ask her anything.