My thirst for revenge is destroying me


SpaceRocker1994's avatar
this all started 2 years ago when i went down to Atlanta to visit my mom and her boyfriend for the Christmas holidays, one night i went to go put a movie into the blu-ray player and show it to said boyfriend's kids who were close to my age, before i got the chance to do so he came up to me and asked me what i was doing, after explaining to him my intentions he began to subtlety but surely talk down to me regarding my choice of movie (Akira), eventually it pissed me off to the point where i told him to go fuck himself, there was a dead silence and realizing i fucked up i proceeded to try and wiggle my way out of a confrontation by attempting to apologize, but before i could even finish my apology i was thrown to the hardwood floor and berated.

eventually he got my mom involved in the conflict. as she stood between trying to grasp the situation us he started to reach toward me trying to grab me but my mom held him back, he didn't like that so he proceeded to throw her on the ground and kick her in the side. i pulled out a knife and told him i should kill him for what he just did. he proceeded to go into his bedroom and i feared he was going to get his gun so i ran away and called the cops. long story short he weaseled his way out of getting arrested because the woman i used to call my mother defended the motherfucker telling the police he was only drunk.

i tried to cut my losses as i thought my mom was going to leave him but 3 weeks later i get notified by my aunt that she went back to him, this prompted me to cut all ties i had with her and i haven't spoken to either of them in 2 years,

this would all be fine and well but the thing is that ever since then I've had a burning hatred that is incomparable to anything else I've ever felt, it makes all my grudges in high school look like child's play. after two years i would have thought it would have faded and i would have gotten over it but every time i see the faces of those motherfuckers on the "People you might know" section of facebook, i feel that old hatred well up inside me and i search google maps trying to find their address, though i have to say it's a good thing i don't remember where they live. they are the only 2 people I've ever really wanted to kill, that may make me sound crazy, but after all that both of them have done to me i have to say i feel i'm entitled to a bit of pay back. 

any thoughts on this matter would be much appreciated as i feel my hatred for these people is tearing me apart
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Sperics's avatar
It was two years ago, but even if you've largely cut ties with them you can't harbor that much resentment. If you're going to move on, you need to do it all the way. I'm not saying forgive, I'm not saying forget, I'm saying don't look back. Clearly you need to find a way to express your anger, therapy and talks trying to calm you down won't work. The best thing you can do is give them something to regret and after that don't look back.
dr-scroatlick's avatar
you should kill your older brother to get revenge for killing your entire clan but don't forget to train because you gonna be a great ninja kid
SpaceRocker1994's avatar
LOL, that's a good one
CryumbraCat's avatar
Normally, I'd suggest letting the issue go slowly, and leaving them be. But I'm a very vengeful person myself. 

Show your "mom." You don't care about her anymore. That she's not your mom anymore. SHOW HER SHE'S MADE A MISTAKE FOR TAKING THE WRONG SIDE. But don't tell her up front. Act the part. She'll start to notice, and then it'll kill her inside. MURDER HER SILENTLY WITH a cold attitude. Make her see that all your success, all you accomplishments had nothing to do with her. That she was USELESS, and that the only good thing she's ever done was bring you into this world. (Actually, no, don't do this)

Next, sabotage the boyfriend. (I'd suggest doing some subtle things first.  BREAK. HIM)
ShuQxx's avatar
Well, personally, I would've at the very least wounded him in a way that left him pretty disabled. And, that way, you won't have the thirst for revenge anymore since you got revenge :shrug: ...or at least some of it.

If you're intent on not taking revenge, but want to feel better, then go to a mental health professional (and if that's not financially possible, I think there's probably some hotlines you can get some kind of help), or you could find some 'groups' that mental health professionals run pro bono/voluntarily.

Then there's also just slightly adjusting your thinking/hatred. Leave them to their own misery. Believe karma will sort things out. That you living happily, successfully, will just bring more pain and bitterness upon them. That their inferior existence makes them irrelevant to you, and giving them any time of day, thought is a waste.   
lightning-13's avatar
Your mother defends him even if he abuses her, why get in trouble if she doesn't want any help? don't ruin your life because of him
SpaceRocker1994's avatar
in all honesty the fact that she doesn't want any help for her mental problems is the very reason why i have such a hatred for her. that and i feel betrayed by one of the few people who should have had my back all the way, but i unfortunately ended up with someone who (in my opinion) is just about as evil as Kim Jong Un
lightning-13's avatar
yeah that's understandable, people live in fear, they convince themselves that everything is fine, because they are afraid of seizing their life. You may want to save her life, but she is so afraid of living alone, that she doesn't want to be saved. She should have had your back, but if you really think about it, she is the one who needs help after all. There is a reason behind her behavior. 
Izanami-No-Kami's avatar
Life is short, why waste yours on "them"..
Neelai's avatar
I totally understand your anger. But it seems like there's not much to do about it. I don't know how your relationship has been with your mother in the past. If you have been close or if it has always been like this. It is up to her to do what she has to do if she wants you in her life. I will sugest you try to let it go. Block everything that reminds you of her/them and focus on taking care of youself. If you go around like this wrapped up in anger you will get sick. And that will not help the situation. What about your dad? Is he in your life? How about other family members?
SpaceRocker1994's avatar
my dad has been in my life ever since i was 6 or 7, something that my mom tried desperately to keep from happening until she started getting child support payments, as for the other members of my family they're around and they've stood with me in cutting all ties with the both of these emotional cripples
Neelai's avatar
I'm glad to hear you're not alone. You need to let it go. It will never get better and you need to pursue your own happiness. I wish you the best.
Iriastar's avatar
You had your opportunity. You lost it.
SpaceRocker1994's avatar
i could have, but the knife i had on me at the time wasn't very sizable, only about 2.25-2.5 inches, plus like i mentioned i thought he was going to get his gun, if i had a vest on that would have been no problem but fuck that shit, i'm not taking a bullet for that kind of shit
EstelleHasse's avatar
Ohhhh lord, I know the feeling. Especially the resentment against a person who should have known better, should have sided with us and cared enough not to take back an abuser. But, get this:
If abusers were assholes all the time, it'd be easy to leave them. Abusers, like your mom's bf, know this game, know how to twist words and guilt trip to get their way. And right now your mum is his new favorite toy.
Shit, I don't want to forgive your mom either, she's enabling abusive behavior inflicted against both her and your part, and you have every right to cut them out of your life.
But, your mom is also a victim of a manipulative asshat, though it does seem ironic, doesn't it, considering that she isn't the best person either. By the way she's treating you, she seems like a manipulative liar herself. She's a person, granted, but she's a horrible person.
Step back from your hate for a bit and look at this as a person observing two people poisoning each other with their toxicity. Pitiful and tragic, no? People who haven't been in the line of fire will say: Help your mum!
Except there's no helping someone who doesn't want help. And there's no want to help from someone who's been collateral to their bs for too long. So what now? Now that you still have your hatred despite time moving along?
Leave it. Leave it while taking your dignity and leave your hatred to die somewhere else. You're living for yourself now, no need to walk around egshells around an asshole and a mother who rescinded the title so long ago, no need to let your heart and mind linger on two ghosts who should have been better. 
You probably don't want to hear this:
Your hatred is only affecting you. You think those two care you hate them? Nope. We both acknowledge they're selfish as shit. 
So.
Bottom line?
Let it go, a little at a time. Imagine your hatred like a stack of heavy bags. Take them one at a time and throw them all out. It's over. It's done. They're gone and out of your life, with no right to ever barge back in. 
If you need and/or want to discuss murder ideas or swap scary stories about the horrors of being subjected to this kind of bs, just note me. 
SpaceRocker1994's avatar
the thing is my mom is also a manipulative asshat herself who is no less guilty than her boyfriend, this wasn't the thing that made me permanently stop talking to her but it was the straw that broke the camel's back
audaxursi's avatar
well man, i have a sort of similar situation, not as severe though.

my mom has a boyfriend who has (it seems to me) no respect for her or anyone, and i have got mad at him several times, and once i even cut off my mom over it.

luckily i somehow managed not to get in a fight with him, though once, i almost did.

anyways, this is my advice: even if you hate that guy, you need to get over your feeling of bitterness, because it won't help anything. inside yourself you need to find peace and forgive him.

BUT even more importantly i would suggest, based on my own experience,

that for your own health it is *very* *very* advisable that you find some way to reconnect with your mom again. 

I know you are saying to yourself: "No way. not happening. forget it".

but please try and wait for a moment and consider:

your mom cared for you for a long time, she brought you up, she surely did a million nice things for you since you were a little kid.

is she a messed up person? probably. but is she your mom, still? yes. very much so.

even though we want to cut someone off, truth is the thing that probably hurts your heart the most is to cut your mom off like that, because the tie we have with our mother really can't be cut off easily at all.

I would very gently nudge that you should try to call her, and even if you never visit her again, at least have a talking relationship with her, and definetely forgive her as much as humanly possible.

we cut other people off but often we don't realize that we are cutting up our own insides by doing this.

-peace.
SpaceRocker1994's avatar
it's not just her boyfriend, i hate both him and her, more so than anyone else, like i stated before, these are the only two people i have ever truly wanted to kill. i used to think like you but in the past two years I've come to the realization that she never cared about me or anyone else. to give you some context let me list off some stuff that for me is irrefutable proof that she never gave a damn about me.

1. she lives over 300 miles away from me and never once wanted to move closer to me even though she's had plenty of opportunities
2. she's blown off stuff that she would pretend to take me to as a child all because she didn't want to do it and gave me lame excuses like there was no parking space etc.
3. i'm her only child, she aborted 2 others, the key factor here is that my father's family is upper middle class and so when she got pregnant with me she knew she could get at least 18 years worth of money from my father, none of the other 2 guys had money like my dads family.
4. she sold the wedding ring my dad proposed to her with to a pawn shop.
5. she let me play outside of an apartment complex as a 7 year old child and only told my not to go past a certain point, when there very well could have been a child molester in the area who could have kidnapped me
6. she manipulates the truth to suit her needs and she believes she is always right about things, when i argued with her once on a simple miscommunication she simply shut me down and wouldn't respond anymore
7. she has never once apologized to me or anyone else for the shit she's done
8. with previous periods of me being pissed at her she would buy me something and send it to me getting me to talk to her again
9. we had almost nothing in common and she wouldn't even bother trying to look into some of my interests
10. she would always get annoyed at me and only had me around when it suited her

this woman does not love me, she never did, to me she's no mother of mine, she never raised me, she never helped me out in school, and never got to know me on a personal level, the way i look at her is just as a vessel who carried me for 9 months, nothing more. if anyone on this earth is my mother then it would be my Grandma, she's gone above and beyond in raising me
audaxursi's avatar
also in an earlier post you said she deserves no sympathy. however, unfortunately, people are tied together to one another. you heart is showing you this by the angry, mean knot that is unable to be moved from inside it. this angry knot is there because you can only have sympathy on yourself by having sympathy with her, even if she deserves no sympathy. 

do you deserve sympathy? then have sympathy on your mother because unless you do, you will have hate inside yourself; because in your heart you want to have a mother that you love. your heart wants to love, but your anger has twisted that desire and it's hurting you.

without having sympathy on her, you will not be able to resolve your issue in your heart. that's the way the issue is constructed, for better or worse. :shrug:
audaxursi's avatar
let me tell you clearly: it sounds to me that your mom is not the best person nor the best mother.

but neither is she the worst person in the world either, facts being as you have stated them.

I don't know if she loves you or not.

this isn't about her though, it's about *you*.

whether she loves you or not, for you to love her (or at least to have a good respect for her) is what is healthy for you, even if she doesn't love you. and she definetely isn't the worst person in the world.

because in our basic psychology that we can't escape, is that our mother is very important to us.

so try to step back and see how she is a human being, like you are a human being, a weak human being, and even if she doesn't support you or nurture you, she still deserves your respect as a human being, and even your pity.

we cannot make anybody love us. but we can choose our attitude towards those other people.

and as much as your mother has not been very helpful to your life, i do not think she hates you. 

rather i think she has her own issues, and because of those issues she doesn't know how to love you.

it's not even a matter of wilfully choosing to ignore you. she's a sick person and deserves pity, not hate.

i hope this post makes sense to you.
MarinaDigitalArt's avatar
Let's get this into perspective.  

1. I'm presuming you're an adult not a child, so where your mum chooses to live is up to her.   How about you move closer to her?
2. There could well have been mitigating circumstances in some instances that you don't know about.
3. Her choice to terminate a pregnancy is her right as a woman.   Why would you want to bring a child into the world if you cannot care for it or provide for it fully?   Clearly, she was finding it hard enough to cope with one, never mind three.
4. It's natural to let go or sell items that hold unhappy memories.  I should think many men or women sell their wedding rings when the marriage breaks down.  It's very common.
5. Many children play out, and she at least told you not to go past a certain point.  If she thought that you were safe playing where you did, then this is what most parents do.  And clearly, you were safe as you are here now talking about it.   If this was on  a main road, then I agree with you that you should have been more supervised at that age.
6. As a parent, it is hard to admit you're wrong to your child, even when they are adult.   It's something she just needs to learn and  you have to be patient with her.
7. This is all relative. What you consider to be shit, she might see as the exact opposite.  I suspect she could apologise til she's blue in the face and you still wouldn't forgive her.
8. This is probably the only way she knows of trying to get through to you and offer an olive branch.
9. People are different.   It sounds as though she's got so many personal problems she has no time for anything else.   You don't tell us her background, or perhaps you don't know all of it.  Clearly, she's not coping in many ways and this has impacted on you.   But it's in your power to step away from this and move on.
10. As a child?  Sounds to me she had many stresses and this often manifests as pushing away, particularly when that person feels constricted or unable to cope.   

As for her not loving you...I'm sure she does in her own way.   Perhaps you're trying to mould her into someone she can never be, or live up to.   It's very hard when the child realises the parent has failings.
SpaceRocker1994's avatar
Did you even read my list because your responses indicate that you barely skimmed over them without much thought put into what I wrote,

1.it's been like this since I was 8, she dragged me down to Atlanta against my will, fucked me up in school, I had to repeat the second grade, and after CPS and my family stepped in she just stayed there and didn't even bother trying to be closer to her own kid.

3.never once did I get my personal opinion involved in this, I don't give a damn what women do with their own bodies but I know for a fact that she would have kept those other 2 had their fathers been loaded. She used me to get money out of my father

4. She did it the day he proposed

5. That is no fucking excuse, it would be different if it was a back yard but the point she had me bound to was well out of her fucking sight, by the way this was in 2001, not the fucking 70's where that shit didn't really happen

6. Dude, she lost all trust I had in her because of it

7. Even my family thought it was a big fucking deal, she was the only one who wan't bothered by this shit, and No I wouldn't because it's too fucking late

8. It was manipulative and underhanded, if she really cared so much a well written letter would have sufficed

9. She wouldn't even attempt to try and get to know me even though I would try with her as I tried getting to know who she was.

10. She treated me like a doll she would show off to her friends and put me away when she was done showing me off, it was always like this, I could barely come out of my room because she always found me as such a bother to her waking existence.

Don't you dare try to act like you know me man because you could never even begin to understand
MarinaDigitalArt's avatar
You're asking questions, putting it out here, and when someone responds, you go on the defensive.   Of course I don't know you.  I wouldn't want to know you, as you're so full of hate, spite and anger, it's horrible to behold.  If you hate and despise this woman so much move on from it.   When we become adults we are responsible for our own actions, and choices.  You're choosing to nurture this hurt and anger to the point that you're talking about killing this woman.   It's very unhealthy.  I'm done with this thread.