I Almost Ended It...


Ivsu's avatar
I'm not really going to go into details.

I wanted to end my life because I felt I was just someone without meaning in this world who has trouble making deep connections with many people. My social anxiety embarrassed me so much and I had an attack... I started gagging and strangling myself and then considered hanging. The only thing that stopped me? Not wanting my family, especially my little sister, seeing me dead.

Has anyone had this feeling? I literally felt like a meaningless brain trying to move around a heavy, ugly body.

I'm sorry if I've disturbed anyone...
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AnguisPoetica's avatar
I've been there, and know how it is when you feel that you are crossing a very significant line. Don't go over, trust me, it gets worse the further you go in that direction. Hang on to the people around you, seek help from the people who love you. If you can't find hope, at least remind yourself that you are not alone in this. If you can't stop yourself, seek professional help, or even consider going to the hospital. I was hospitalized involuntarily more than once, but when I think back, I'm more grateful for it than I am for most other things in life. It didn't solve my problem, but it gave me time to let that urge pass. It may come back, but then it will be another story. My advice is to use the negativity in you positively. Use all your negative energy in creative activities, or in talking with people who have similar experiences. Express yourself through writing or art. Things will get better, but you have to give it time, and believe in yourself.
Ivsu's avatar
My motto lately has kind of been to make the negative in my life advantageous and you're seconding it in my mind. It's a good thing, don't worry!! :aww: Thank you so much for your sympathy and advice, it means so much <33 :hug:
echogirlcapri's avatar
I have felt the same. Please remember that there's always someone who loves you, and He's always listening.
Feel free to message me, too, of course! :)
Seilyn's avatar
Oh my! Reading your post made me think about my old self... Some years ago I was just like you, I felt the same emotions and wrote almost the same words on my blog. I really wanted to end my life, but I didn't want to hurt someone...
I know, now everything seems wrong in your life, but that's not a good reason to end it! I don't know you, don't know how your life is and what are your problems, but even if now it doesn't seem so, THINGS WILL GET BETTER!
It might need time, patience, and a lot of strenght, but you can make it, I know it!
I didn't have lots of friends, there was no one with me to support me except my family, and it's been my reason to rise up and start fightin for what I want.
We live only once, you won't have a second chance, and you're here for a reason... Now you don't know it, but I believe that one day you'll realize it!
Find your strenght (you have it, don't think even for a second that you're not strong enough, you just need to find it!), and start fighting for this precious life you have!
I know that saying this seems stupid, but remember that there are people out there who want to live but can't, you're lucky, don't waste your chance, please!!
Ivsu's avatar
Thank you so much, Seilyn <33 Comments like yours mean so much to me right now, and they help immensely. Thank you very much for your comment and sympathy :hug::heart:
Seilyn's avatar
You're welcome! I'm glad to be of help :hug:
If you need it, you can note me anytime you want :)
chickslovecats's avatar
Not too sure if you've seen me around the forums, but it's a goal in life for me to stop as many people from suicide and to help them cope with the feelings toward it, and for a serious reason: I used to face those feelings daily. I would cut, separate myself from everyone, have panic attacks, go into serious all time lows in mood, never slept, and yeah, nearly killed myself three times. I was so close. But I have changed. My life is better now. I've dropped the habits. I still fight panic attacks and insomnia, but the point is, the majority of it is over. I'm not here to rant about boo hoo lil' me. I'm here to say it can, and will, get better. The only question is when. If you want, you can private message me (note me). I won't just abandon you.
Ivsu's avatar
Thank you very much :hug: It really is good to know I'm not alone in this fight. Thanks so much for your comment <33
rainue's avatar
don't end it, please :0 once you end it that's it! do you want to end on a bad note?
the future will get better; that sounds cliche, but you have no idea. people change so much. Remember what you were like when you were 8? or when you were 5? you've changed so much since then, and you will change again. A year or two from now, your anxiety can be cured, you may meet some of the greatest friends on earth, you may find a calling in life in a fulfilling career. Think about the person you were a year ago, and who you are now; you are so much different now! The brain is plastic and will continue to change up to our deaths. 

and who cares if you're heavy or ugly! heaviness is temporary, weight can be changed. ugliness? who can argue with a millionaire scholar? who cares if you're ugly or heavy, you have a purpose in this world. I'm heavy and ugly too, but I am happy in spite of that xD 

Perhaps two or three years ago I was doing bad in school, had no one who cared about me, and was self harming, taking lethal amounts of drugs, laxatives whatever. I thought about suicide too. Somehow I made it through those years, and I am so glad I never acted on it!

Life turned out so much better later on. Once I had a change of scenery, went to college, reduced contact with toxic people in my life, I became a cheery, approachable, goal oriented person. My grades skyrocketed, awards started coming in left and right, and hope revived and everyday was a blessing. I never thought I would enjoy life so much, no really, I thought all that was in store for me was misery. I used to say often, "this is just my lot in life" when I cursed everything I was afflicted with, as apposed to my radiant, blessed classmates. I never would've believed I would be so lucky, successful, and happy a few years down the road. 

Now I am afraid of death cause I don't want it to end xD 
Ivsu's avatar
It's really good to hear that someone has come out and become stronger from the experience. It certainly gives me hope. Thank you so much for your comment!! :tighthug:
cykrone's avatar
Many of us here have difficulty connect with other in the real world. That's why we are all here, to foster and develop relationships in a whole new environment. It's way easier to make friends here! And never think about suicide again, there's so much stuff you can do instead. I recommend watching movies or playing games!

Some of us hate our bodies. If I could change my body, I would love to. But your body is what makes you who you are, your mind however, is something that establishes you from others. Humans are able to think about life, think about anything isn't the world! Sometimes we think too much, giving us the impression that our life is useless. That's when we need to remind each other everyone plays a part in the whole circle of life. You may think you are useless but in someone else's eyes, you are valuable. Isn't that amazing?


You're a great person and you should be lucky you are given the gift of life and consciousness. Go out there and be proud you are alive!
Ivsu's avatar
Aww thank you so much :tighthug: it means a lot ^^
CQuiggles96's avatar
I feel you because I am kind of a social outcast myself and I don't really have a lot of friends.  I'm very shy and kind of awkward and I have thought many times that I am a nobody who noone cares about. I have been depressed with this many times through high school. 
I am so sorry you are going through this, but please remember that your family and your friends (even if you don't have many) would be so devastated and lost without you.  Your life is a gift from God and God does not want you to think your life is a curse, no matter how dark it may seem.  You are a beautiful, wonderful, unique and amazing individual and NO ONE should tell you different! I hope you find much support and help and I hope you have a very blessed day!  And never stop believing in yourself!!! :) :hug:
Ivsu's avatar
Aww-Thank you so much for your comment <33 I really appreciate your sympathy. Have a great Easter!!
CQuiggles96's avatar
You're very welcome!  :hug: You have a blessed Easter and rest of the week too 
Cinzel's avatar
I hope you go to jail. Suicide is illegal in my country.
LukeyWhoLikesSanic's avatar
so... they throw dead bodies in jail?
Cinzel's avatar
not all attempts are successful
HalcyonNoctem's avatar
I had this happen to me yesterday, I've had it happen often; even committed for trying. I was diagnosed with a disability that changed my life, doing through divorce in a marraige that was abusive and painful. Things will and can get better. Seek help. After last night I said no more and went to get therapy and counseling today and signed up. It will work out for you. I'm so very glad you are still here, your life is worth more than anything in the world. <3 Everyone has worth.  You are loved.
Ivsu's avatar
Your situation sounds like it was terrible, and honestly, you are so brave for being able to come out of that bottomless pit of depression (that's how I picture it). I mean really. You are also loved, and braver than a lot of people..thanks so much for your kindness <33
HalcyonNoctem's avatar
It felt that way, and thank you. I still have days I don't feel brave; I have days I crumble.. but I keep pushing forward for my son and to show my ex husband that I can do better and will do better. Firbomyalgia took over my life for now, my depression and anxiety intensify it; as do surroundings and emotions, anything can trigger it to make me bed ridden but I'll be damned if I'll let it beat me, or take my life.. (today this is how I'm feeling, cause as you know with depression it comes and goes). we can't give up! we have to push forward, keep moving, keep striving higher. It can only get better, things could always be worse. Let's keep moving forward together; all of us <3 
Ivsu's avatar
Thanks again. :tighthug: I need to start looking up and being hopeful for the future
HalcyonNoctem's avatar
We all do, we both do, I do, you do. We can do it!! I keep finding new things, even small things daily that help to keep me looking up. For instance I found a group in Tampa who is going to accept me for a test drug for Fibromyalgia. My ex father in law is gonna help me drive there; Im excited but scared. but I'm hopeful and glad I can be apart of something big to help find a cure. :D
Ivsu's avatar
Good for you, I really hope it goes well ^^