I feel like I disappoint myself.


KromCompany's avatar
I don't feel like I make myself happy. Everything I do seems to disappoint me. I only can be happy when around other people. I can't take my sadness anymore. It's limitless. It's hard for me to start projects. I don't know what to do. I can't see a counselor because my mom fucked up my insurance. I can't take it!
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Manomatul's avatar
Artists are often the most miserable people around. LOL. Not to make light of your situation. It just means you're an artist at heart. An artist is NEVER content. Show me a content artist and i will give $10. We need more out of life, more than what the average joe considers "ENOUGH". 

Art is MY therapy. Why? Same reasons, i can't afford to talk to someone. I use my art.
KromCompany's avatar
solid-alcohol's avatar
I can't relate to the divorced parents issue but I can totally relate to that feeling of constant disappointment. The thing is that life isn't something you can plan for. Shit happens and you need to learn that you aren't in total control. You have plenty of choices available to you.

I've spent most of my life chasing my ambitions and trying to live up to my parents expectations (or what I thought they were) but really, you're better off living life and trying to enjoy it. It's not good to beat yourself up but don't worry, we all do it. Just don't let it consume you when it happens.

You don't need to pay for a counsellor. Just talk to someone who is willing to listen. Plenty of people have been through the same feeling. Most could relate.

Give yourself a break. :)
KromCompany's avatar
Sounds good to me.
StrandedTal's avatar
Don't try to do anything.. take a break from chasing after happiness.. be honest with yourself. embrace your sadness and angers and you will find the light in it... the only way out of hell is through it.. and i promise you, you will feel a sense a wholeness when you'll let yourself grieve.. feel YOURSELF again!
KromCompany's avatar
things only improve?
StrandedTal's avatar
people will recommend you to do things to get yourself feel better.. but really, don't go do anything because the emptiness will follow you wherever you will go and in whatever you do (if you haven't experienced this already). If we don't go within, then we will go without... without joy, happiness, love, freedom. you need to take a break and cut yourself off from the distractions.. listen to how you feel.. are you angry? GET THE FUCK ANGRY! are you sad? let yourself cry... unleash the screaming..laughing..crying child that is in you. what people don't know is that emotions transform on their own when we give them the unconditional attention that they're craving for. and let me tell you a secret, all our treasures are in what we're holding back. :hug:
KromCompany's avatar
This actually made me feel some better. I agree. I will act with how my emotions call. I guess I just want to, as they call it "man up"
I don't cry... I mentally conditioned myself to not cry since my parents separated and divored. It started 3 years ago with the separation. My best friend is helping me realize who I am. She is great. She has kept me from doing really stupid shit.
Terraset-on-DA's avatar
I'd agree. I often reccommend vengeance to people. That's because people often don't know what they want but do know what they don't want. Violent rejection of what they don't want will push them towards what they do want. But it can't happen without feeding on those emotions and turning them into fuel. At least that's how it works for me. Things like hatred, anger and the like are not inherently bad. It's how you use them that determines what they were to you. They are in fact no different than any other emotion in substance. You may or may not have noticed that all emotions have the same underlying force or energy to them. All that changes is the thin crust on top that tells you whether it's depression or happiness. Grind them all up together and extract the essence and they will all work the same as fuel.

Desire can get you even further than self confidence. In my experience desire can ovverride any and all lack of confidence in your own abilities and make you literally forget about them in the heat of it. You stop caring about anything other than your goal and will keep bashing away at it till you have it. Afterwards you might be legitimately surprised when you remember that you were previously telling yourself how you "couldn't do it."
KromCompany's avatar
So I just have to do what I want, when I want to.
Terraset-on-DA's avatar
That's what it boils down to. But that doesn't mean you have a free liscence to be a self entitled jackass. Not because of any moral reason but because if you do act like that no one will like you and then people will start treating you like crap and not wanting to ever help you. Those are probably things you don't want to happen and thus are things you don't want to do.

You need to be observant of what actions lead to what results and then see if those results match up with your intents. If not, figure out why and change your actions. Rinse and repeat.
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StrandedTal's avatar
ah, the common belief that you need to get over things immediately and need to be strong and never let yourself cry, burn it.
it's really really not true. yes let yourself cry and yes let yourself break and feel everything. when a caterpillar wraps itself into a cocoon he breaks entirely and becomes a disgusting soup and only then he redesigns into a butterfly. it's not like the caterpillar just suddenly grows wings and flies. it is a complete transformative process that can only occur if he lets himself break is possible. you get the metaphor.
it takes immense bravery to let the guard down and feel the darkest, and sharpest pains. and the best thing that you can do, is feel them. that's how we find forgiveness, and acceptance.. free ourselves from the prison of pain. permanently. we need to learn to "be" before we learn to "do".
KromCompany's avatar
I see. I agree very much.
TheNecco's avatar
Sounds like you're not doing what makes you happy, and are doing what makes others expect you to do.   Once you move out on your own you'll become happier 
KromCompany's avatar
4eyesneko's avatar
My parents are divorced for 7 years now and I know how you feel. I'm not in great terms with them, talking with them now a days feels like talking to strangers and it stiff and forced.

For your apartment, it makes sense you don't feel comfortable after moving in. I suggest that you try to change your room to your taste, or add things you like that lift up your spirit. I myself would add some plants and flowers and maybe painted the wall myself. 

You said you like talking with people and that great! I think if you have free time you maybe should apply to help poor people, a part time job or a help in animal shelter. Maybe go to a park nearby and just lollygag.

For your project, I don't know what you are really working at. You said you can't start projects, it up to you know why you feel that way in the first place. Another golden rule is start tiny and small, when you reach your small goals you will feel better and would make you better for larger scale projects. 

 

 
KromCompany's avatar
I don't like being around my mom. I live with my dad, but my mom is just a buzzkill.

I have been living in my apartment for 2 whole years... I share a room with my brother, it helps that he buys me some nintendo posters, but I just need my own space.

I think that when I graduate highschool, and can't find a job, I would help poor people. I know what it is like being a lower-class person. I get free-lunch at school for pete's sake. I just want to give to people.

I could finish more pages of my comic as a project.
4eyesneko's avatar
I also don't like talking with my mom, she is...horrifyingly childish for someone close to 60s. Your father and brother don't know of your problems ( I also don't know them as much as you do.) depending on how much they know about you, maybe they really care, after all they are your blood and watched you grow. My mother likes pretty things, and my father is of the kind that likes successful kids and so I was never fitting for their tastes in the matter of offspring. It also never helped that my dad thinks the things I like (fantasy and animals.) is childish while my mother thinks the only way to have fun is go out for a movie, and I a night with the coach. 

In my high school years, I often thought of really dropping out and asking myself why I even go, I had low grades and my memory is as weak as a gold fish. So I woke up at 5 am in the morning, picked up my cat and we both looked through the window and heard the birds. Everything was still and the songs were like a shower. It was so calm and relaxing. I sat down and told myself I should at least pass high school poorly and while looking for something that makes me happy and feel good about myself.

My family became worse, but I found I can handle things thrown at me, my cat had kittens and I found a hobby that I was amazed at how I good I was in it. I know what kind of people I'm dealing with.

Making a comics is hard and time hungry. I know of a way to tackle that if you wish.
KromCompany's avatar
Life sure is tough...
Please do tell. I want to know how to tackle the comic.
siantjudas's avatar
Figure out what you don't like about your present and change it.
So far I  just see you making excuses, which is fine, but accept that you're unwilling to take the steps you need to take and stop complaining about it.
KromCompany's avatar
That's kind of hard because there are lots I don't like about my present. My parents just divorced, I have to live in an apartment(because we moved out of a nice house). Nothing is what made life comfortable.
siantjudas's avatar
So don't roll it into one big thing. Separate them out one by one and start there. Everything is hard if you lump it all into one big shit storm.

Either start with the most important biggest thing, or the most easily do-able. Not to sound harsh, but simply complaining about it doesn't change anything. You admit that you don't like your present, and while it might not seem like it, the only person who controls how YOU feel in the present is YOU. So change your present if you're not happy, and make it better.
KromCompany's avatar
But how do I change my present, when I have no control over it.
siantjudas's avatar
That is where you are wrong. Your present is the only thing you have control over. You can't control other people, but you can control your choices and the way you approach situations.

Such as right now. Rather than simply saying "you have no control" and giving up before even starting, why not look at what you CAN do.

Or give up if you want. But if you choose that route, then accept that you have and stop complaining about it.