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February 24, 2013


Replies: 55

Advice With Dealing With A Long Distance Relationship

TheEternalPromise Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Hello everyone recently 2 weeks ago me and a fellow deviant fell in love with each other and everything is going well but the thing is there is a problem right now

the problem is that I live in New York within The United States and she lives in Southern France

i am not saying its not going to work out but since i have yet to buy my new smartphone from Straight Talk ($80 $95-with tax) and get the $65 Monthly International Text & Calling Pre-Paid Plan Card

i don't know what i can do besides talk to her via Facebook, Email, Letters, and every so often she will spend $25 to call me on my cell phone and i feel bad for not owning my own computer and webcam to use Skype so i can at least see her talk to me

Can anyone give me some advice on how to deal with this?

and no I WILL NOT break up with her because she said she can fly out here as soon as she gets permission from her mother and that i can find a apartment for her near me

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Devious Comments

kafine Featured By Owner Mar 1, 2013   General Artist
Nobody seems to have mentioned one major issue yet.

She cannot come and live in the USA without a visa. The application process will take time. It will also cost a lot of money.

I am in an LDR with my fiance and we have been together in our transatlantic relationship for over two years. We have only just started the visa process and it is likely to take a good six months or so before the paperwork comes back and I am able to make a permenant move to the united states.

It is a big move. It is not as simple as finding an apartment in the US and moving there. It's a huge life upheaval and will take a lot of work and dedication and financial investment to make happen.

However if it is something she is willing to look into for her own sake (perhaps for employment opportunities) then perhaps the forced waiting time will give you a chance to thoroughly vet your relationship for viability before committing. There is a definate "honeymoon period" in relationships that feels very intense but dies out after about 6 months. At that point the relationship either breaks down or becomes stronger for being able to proceed without the "fever" bolstering it. You should aim not to make any permenant moves before that point, because you may not feel the same way a few months down the line.

In the meantime, there are online flower delivery services.
lightning-13 Featured By Owner Feb 28, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
mm I don't think our opinions will help, especially since they are negative. Instead, I'm going to give you a different opinion.

Follow you heart. Do what you want, try, experience, get hurt, laugh, be adaptable, be patient, give and take. In the end even if things go bad, you will have learned and experienced a long distance relationship :) and it's all in life, everybody has unique experiences. Life isn't all about fairies and flowers, and most of the things you will learn will be from bad experience. And we don't know that yet, maybe things will go well, and maybe you can find a way to be together, nothing is impossible.
DeBegotten Featured By Owner Feb 26, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
i was in a long distance relationship (one person in france, one in the USA) for 7 years so i can tell ya: it definitly can work!

but you should really try to get your own internet access! using skype or something similar is great and itīs for free so you can talk to her as long as you want to. i donīt know how much mone you have but spending so much on phone calls canīt be good.

something else
do you really think itīs good to get an apartment for her after knowing her for 2 weeks? i saw that youīre 21 what makes you old enough but if she needs the permission of her old is she?
Bluefire-the-Dragon Featured By Owner Feb 26, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I'm in a long distance relationship too. We've been at it for 7 months already. Try this website. It gives you lots of fun suggestions on how to keep a long distance relationship alive, one hundred of them, actually xD Do what makes you happy. [link]
BeeSull Featured By Owner Feb 26, 2013
A word to the wise. I am married to my college sweet heart, and we did a "LDR" at one point when I moved 700 miles away to switch to a four year school. It almost didn't work and let me tell you... he is my freaking best friend, the perfect guy, and we've been together almost six years now without a hitch. So it is HARD even if it is REALLY right. I imagine that if there is anything even a little off, it would be impossible.

That said, find a place with Skype and use it! Or take pictures of what you are doing in your day to day life and send them to her, a picture is worth a thousand words as they say, it might help you fill that communication gap. Maybe play some online games together too. There are ways to spend time with each other without being next to each other. :-)
scalman Featured By Owner Feb 26, 2013
distant and relationship doesnt fit with each what may look like it , actualy is not it..its just cute lil things that happening being at distance...and if its continue be distance for too long ..then is alomost no chance to be same in real ..and its painful if u sensitive person..its depressing..its lonely ..its stupid for others ..only one way its good that with plan to make it zero distance later..and not too long time.. time is not helpng realy ..
BlueGenesis Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Okay. After reading every damn post in this thread, I think I'm gonna have to make my input.


Before you go bite my head off, I've had my fair share of LDRs and I'm currently still in one. OP, my home is also in New York while my boyfriend lives in California. However, I've been abroad in the Philippines for college (now job hunting as I graduated last year) so I've been far from my boyfriend for quite some time. Therefore, I can understand your sentiments a little too well.

HOWEVER, this is not the way to go about it. I don't know how long you two have known each other before dating (please clarify this), but you guys are jumping the gun. It's only been two weeks since you two have gotten into this relationship and you guys are definitely rushing it. Why am I saying this? Let's be truthful and realistic about this, shall we?

You guys are only about 18-19, give or take, barely out of high school and settling into the college life. You're already talking about having your girlfriend live abroad in a separate apartment rather than live WITH you, but it's a big thing either way. To top it off, she's living with her mother, despite being a legal adult; therefore, that's a sure sign she still needs to depend on her parent for shelter, food, and the likes for a while longer unless she happens to have a job and can provide those needs (except the shelter part unless she's helping paying the house bills) for herself. Your home circumstances, I'm not sure about, but seeing how you can't afford your own laptop and webcam (let alone an airplane ticket to France) while making no mention of having a job, I'm gonna have to guess you're enduring the same fate as her (correct me if I'm wrong).

Do your own parents even know about this, OP? Does her mother even know you two are in a relationship in the first place? And if they do, do they approve?

The least you can do is think about these things first because, realistically, LDRs take lots of time, work, patience, willpower, and effort. Not only that, but if you don't find a way around or solve these snags eventually, it's going to hinder you guys later down the road. If you rush or end up screwing it up, you're going to get hurt.

So, piece of advice: be wary and realistic on what this kind of relationship holds before you get emotionally invested. Since you two are in two different countries, you won't be able to see each other for a couple of months to a year or so, give or take, so you'll be spending lots of time apart and have lack of physical contact. Timezones also get in the way too, so you have to make some time management on when to talk with each other. With the economy still as it is (U.S., at least), unless you save a lot or have a high paying job, you won't be able to put this relationship as your first priority (a la visiting and the likes) because you have a lot to worry about (college and other life priorities).

Also, you can install Skype on your smartphone since you want to keep communication, right (although I'm not quite sure how this'll solve the webcam problem, it may depend on your phone model if it has a built in camera that has a webcam feature like the iPhone). And you can also make international calls on her phone from Skype for a lower price (my boyfriend did this when he went to Japan for foreign exchange years ago while I was still in New York; he would call me on my cellphone from Skype sometimes, this being a month or so before I departed for the Philippines).

As for how to deal with this... As long as you guys keep your communication constant, it doesn't matter what you do. Always get involved with each other's lives (example, talking about your days and what not), play games together, get involved with each other's interests, etc.

This is all the advice I can provide for now (it's late here in Asia). I hope you understand my concerns, so you won't blow up at me for being a bit harsh about this.
hananoyosuke Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013
Key words: "There is a problem right now."

Listen, I've had a few online relationships. I know how you feel, I really do. And I also understand why people are coming here and posting negative comments.

The thing to remember is that LDRs take A LOT of work, and if you can't deal with it, you should just quit now before you put any more of your heart into it. Because if you can't put in enough effort, things won't work out, and it will hurt you. You have a lot of things going for you. Your girlfriend seems to be devoted to you, and the parents seem accepting of your situation.

Ultimately, you just have to have more patience. If you're only two weeks in, I'm not sure how well this is going to go for you. My LDRs lasted 8+ months without us meeting. I get that you want to spend time communicating, but you have to balance it with the rest of your life. You have a few options:

-Continue your relationship the way things are now. Both of you will have to deal with/accept that this is the amount of time and money you will spend communicating, at least until you meet.
-Spend money on the phone. Decide whether you are willing to do this or not.
-She said that she won't be able to leave France until the end of May. You could take a break or limit the amount of time you spend talking until then. I know this seems counter-intuitive, but it may make the 3 month wait more tolerable. Being like "let's just be friends for now" or "I still love you, but we need to spend more time alone" until meeting is actually possible will make you stop going crazy and obsessing over it for a while.

Good luck.
TheEternalPromise Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you for your kindness and we should know eachother more for the 3 month period and its hard to limit communication but we do want to talk to eachother still
TheEternalPromise Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
This is the reason WHY i fucking hate the forums everyone turns against me and you know what maybe that's what i need to do be a complete asshole to everyone and lose my self-respect FUCK THIS AND FUCK ALL OF YOU FOR YOUR FUCKING OPINIONS!!!!
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