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February 10, 2013
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Replies: 11

Forgive and forget?

:iconzettapoke:
zettapoke Featured By Owner Feb 10, 2013  Student General Artist
A couple of months back, my then-boyfriend broke up with me. At first, I was devastated: I had had a crush on him for years before we started going out, we went out for a long time, and I was seriously attached. He was also my first real boyfriend, too, so that made matters worse. I didn't get over it for a few months and, when I was finally getting over it, I learned that he was cheating on me just before we broke up. That made things a whole LOT worse and the feelings that I had gotten rid of came rushing back in. I was more hurt and heartbroken, devastated that someone that I trusted a lot would do something like that. We ended up talking it out, he explained the situation and what happened, and he sounded incredibly guilty about it whenever I told him that it was alright. I forgave him, but I felt like I shouldn't have.

Since then, I thought I was over the whole thing but it keeps coming back. We've gone back and forth a couple of times, him being mad at me (and he has every right to) while I'm still upset and hung over on this. Every time he talks to me, a little glimmer of hope comes back that we'll end up together again, but I know too well that it will never, ever happen again. I told him that I was over it, but that ended up being a lie. I'm still dwelling on the past and I'm sick of it.

We used to be best friends and this has ruined our friendship. I know it's hard, sometimes even impossible, to stay friends with your ex, but I want to beat those odds. I want to truly forgive him and forget what happened. I miss our friendship more than I miss our relationship and I don't want these stupid feelings to poison our friendship anymore.

tl;dr my best friend and I went out, he cheated, we broke up and I still haven't gotten over it. YAY STUPID FEELS : D

How can I get over this for good? I've tried distancing myself and blocking myself completing from him for now, but I still think about him. What can I do?
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Devious Comments

:iconlightning-13:
lightning-13 Featured By Owner Feb 12, 2013  Student General Artist
I know one thing, some relationships are meant to last, others not. I know people keeping a friendship alive even if they were in a relationship, it's nothing impossible. Just make sure you can handle the situation right. Thinking about him and yearning for him etc is not going to help your friendship.
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:iconzettapoke:
zettapoke Featured By Owner Feb 15, 2013  Student General Artist
Thanks! :) And that's good to hear! Makes me feel better ;w; Although I did enjoy our relationship, I miss our friendship more. It was also a long distance relationship, so it was kind of hard for to work out in the first place. I've stopped yearning for him right now, though, but I still keep thinking about him, so it's a bit frustrating >.<
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:iconanimegirlmika:
AnimeGirlMika Featured By Owner Feb 12, 2013  Professional General Artist
It will be tough but from what you've told us, I have to advise you to simply cut your ex from your life entirely. Don't try to be friends, that will only end badly. What it sounds like to me is that you're not in love with the ex-boyfriend, former best friend who cheated on you then broke up with you long before telling you the worst of what he did, you're in love with your idealized image of him, you're in love with your imagined version of what you wish he would be. The reality and your imagined figure will never reconcile, so for your best interest, you should move on completely. I'm telling you all this from my personal experiences so I hope you'll take my advice to heart. You'll be a happier person for sure!
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:iconthetaoofchaos:
thetaoofchaos Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Friendship requires trust.  How can you trust someone when you still feel the hurt from what they did?  The answer is, you can't.  I think you have to completely cut them out of your emotional life and then remake them into a non-romantic friend.  See, you say you wanted to keep the friendship, but platonic friendship doesn't really exist between lovers.  Anyone can challenge this, but I know from experience that the "friendship" you have with your romantic partner is entirely dependent on the romantic trust.  When that romantic trust is broken, the friendship trust goes with it. You can't be real friends with someone while you still have feelings for them.  You're right, that friendship is poisoned. Let that one completely die, and you can make a new one.  
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:iconnah-belle:
nah-belle Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2013
There's no easy fix to this one I'm afraid. You never get over you're first love, and that is something that people don't really understand until they have a 1st love. That feeling is even more powerful when the relationship ended badly.

Generally speaking that 'glimmer of hope' you were talking about will always be there, and judging by what you say distancing yourself from him isn’t really working for you if you’re constantly thinking about him. That also has the dangerous consequence of making any feelings overwhelm you when you do see him. And then you’re back to square one.

It seems to me that you need decide whether or not you really want this person in your life. If the answer is yes then you need to have a heart to heart with him to see how he feels about all of this, but you also need to ask yourself if friendship will be enough for you because there is a real possibility that is all you will have.

Ultimately is the heartache worth it to be friends?
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:iconjericawinters:
JericaWinters Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2013
Start dating again. Go out there and have fun. There's lots of honest men out there.
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:iconavenvia:
Avenvia Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2013  Student Writer
Stop talking to him. Believe me, friendship doesn't work if one person's always hoping for something more. It just doesn't and you need to stop talking to him because all it'll do is drag the process of you getting over him out indefinitely and make him upset and resentful if he finds out that you aren't over this and still want him back.

I'm not saying you can never be friends again. Of course it's possible to be friends with an ex, but all the feelings and hopes from your relationship have to be gone. Not repressed, but totally gone and you wouldn't take him back even if he asked. Sometimes people go for two or more years without any contact with ex's before they can be friends, so it can work, but you have to be patient and let yourself move on instead of trying to force it.
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:iconzetikla:
Zetikla Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2013  Student Photographer
Its not easy for sure, all i can suggest is that you try to forgive him, even if its hard, or else you might never be able to move on. Personally I dont even talk with any of my exes, as it just reminds me hurtful memories and each day I wake up with that pain in my heart.
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:iconshezawoulf:
ShezaWoulf Featured By Owner Feb 10, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Seriously, distance yourself. keep yourself distracted and focus on becoming the best person you can be. When you least expect it, your gonna find someone new. the same thing happened to me, and I bounce back and forth with my ex like it aint no ones business. I regret it everytime. when someone cheats on you, you can tell yourself a hundred times that your over it and that it was something that will never happen again. but once your with someone, and they break your trust, theres really no way to get that back. I love my bf with all my heart, but I can never forget what he did, and im constantly second guessing everything I do, and questioning everything he does. it has turned me into a mess of a person I never wanted to be. I would never wish that on any girl. So run! move forward and don't look back. your heart may hurt, but girl you are way better than that. Your hurting because you have a heart, wait for someone who is truly worthy of possessing it. I don't think you should be friends with him, no offense...but you really cant give yourself time to get back to neutral if he's still in the picture right now. take a break and maybe in the future you can be close friends again. good luck with which ever path you choose to take <3 sorry if this wasn't really an answer xD I get carried away...
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:iconvelvetfish:
VelvetFish Featured By Owner Feb 10, 2013  Student Filmographer
i know that feel. It turned out that i was a rebound from her last boyfriend and that she had no problems breaking up with me when her ex showed interest in her again. (in her words, i was "just a shoulder to cry on.")

I've since forgiven her, and we're still friends. However, i haven't forgotten, and i'm distant/cold with her to this day, even to the point of flat-out refusing to listen to her problems.

my advice: find someone who's worthy of your feels, not some bastard who cheated on you. You're more than just a back-up/option. You deserve better than someone who's going to fuck with your emotions like that. It's tough, but time heals all wounds, even a broken heart.
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