I have an Aunt and Uncle who have been married over 50 years, both of them know each other better then anything else can know another thing in the entire universe. They are in their 70's and they still go dancing, to parties, hiking, adventures in general. My Aunt laughs at my Uncle sometimes, and he makes fun of her occasionally as well, but they are both in love with each other still.
My Mother and Father were together for 40 years before my Father died. I held my mother in my arms for over an hour just minutes after he passed on. In my field I see incomprehensible sadness on a daily basis, but being so close to it, so apart of it -- I never in my life thought I could feel such sadness in another person as I did in my mother that day. It's not something she'll ever get over, either. She lives, and enjoys life, but any discussion that leads to my Father--even those that are saturated in happiness--lead her ultimately into sorrow.
This is a pattern common throughout my Family, and we're all of varying degrees of religious (from absolutely none to very) and political opinion (from highly 'conservative' to highly 'liberal'). There's been a single divorce within quite a few jumps on the family 'tree' and it was due to my cousins partner being highly unfaithful (in a relationship deemed exclusive).
I am not sure if it's genes, personality, environment, or what have you. My father gave me one of those 'talks' when he knew he was dying, I've spoken to my Uncle and others who have ludicrously well done marriages (some pairs in my family aren't even 'married' -- just been together for 20+ years). The advice all had their own flavor on it, but a general theme was to find someone who you could talk with about anything and compromise with. They are probably, in all honesty, all each others very best friends. That's exactly what I looked for.
Maybe some personalities that are compatible just don't jive with the forever theme or compromise. Maybe it's not that at all and maybe it's something I haven't even thought of. There really is only one certainty though, that is, if you don't try to find love it won't ever happen. If you decide the possible heartache is too much to bear, then so be it, but I stand by the phase, "it's better to have loved and lost, then to have never loved at all."
I've never been interested in relationships. My parents are married still and they sort of... tolerate each other? I don't even know how to put it... but it's not something I look at, admire and say "I want that." Now my grandmother and grandfather were soulmates - perfect for each other and they were really in love... That would be nice but I have a feeling finding a soul mate is super super rare. Falling in love and getting married have not and never will be at the top of my list, but if it's meant to happen it will.. I just feel sorry for the dude who's gonna have to break down my barriers.
However, being in a relationship or getting married because it's expected IE: after getting pregnant, being pushed into it because of career choices such as military etc... I don't feel like that's a good idea and it kind of seems like they end badly because people decide to just settle for mediocre results and it's not for the right reasons. Marriage should be a major deal and taken very seriously I mean, we have people in this country who can't get married to someone they've been with for 30+ years yet people get married and divorce a year later. I knew a 19 year old that had already been married and divorced, it's absolute madness.
Welcome to my life i have the same prob But i now know that love is something that just happens...u cant control it!!.. love doesn't mean that people will stay together forever...its just a feeling that makes them want to stay together....and like all feelings it fades with time. So the best thing u can do is find the girl you love(u'll know it when it happens) and keep on finding things u like about her for the rest of your life and hope that she does the same, which can be impossibly tough but you won't need to do that if you guys feel good together...and thats what keeps ppl together. Always Remember That!! in simple words: Go for the girl who makes you feel good when u are spending time with her
I've done so for 18 years. It's not THAT terirble... Even so, I guess it can be pretty lonely at times, and it would be nice to have someone to care for, and to have that someone care for me... I don't know whether or not it is best to remain independent...
You're looking at the surface, seeing the waves and beginning to fathom the depths of the ocean.
Love is not here only to be a fun, exciting time. Sometimes love is here to break us down and show us things in ourselves that we could not have seen without being broken down. Love is here to shake our our broken branches so that new sprouts can grow from the wounds. Full love will take you to the height of joy and the depths of sorrow.
It is the pain of knowing someone else like you know yourself. However, many do not really know themselves. They know only the masks that they wear and therefore they cannot see beyond the masks of others. It happens often that two people put on masks that work well together for a long time and then the masks come off and suddenly they don't recognize each other anymore. It's most likely that this is what happened to your parents. They may be intelligent, they may be wonderful people, that doesn't matter though if they don't know themselves truly.
The masks come off and suddenly they see raw ego and since a lot of people don't see anything in themselves beyond ego it becomes a battle. There is much more to us than our "idea of self". We have a deep and vast core capable of understanding and acceptance that is only limited by the degree with which we identify ourselves as an egoic structure. This structure is necessary but it's also necessary to see beyond it and know the depth of the ocean that we all are.
Wow. Such techy terms... Did you go to university or something? That's OK. I see where you're getting at...
People always put up masks... Hell, I have to all the time. I'm just scared of what might be underneath it. I might not like someone on that sort of relationship level. God, I would end up feeling like such an idiot for thinking I could handle it. I wish it was easier to tell when someone isn't just putting up a mask...
And I always knew that love would hurt... I'm just wondering if that hurt does more good than bad...
SynthetikDreamer22Featured By OwnerFeb 15, 2013Hobbyist General Artist
Love is totally worth it ^^. My parents have been together for years and fight all the time, but they always seem to reconnect and love each other again. You have to maintain the right mindset and trust that your significant other will love you no matter what.
Maintaining that trust is hard, though... I doubt things all the time, so I don't see how things would change here... Are there a select few that are meant to be alone? Like, they are just too negative to be with someone?
SynthetikDreamer22Featured By OwnerFeb 15, 2013Hobbyist General Artist
In a way, yeah, but for those that gain the confidence before it's too late, they usually find healthy relationships. Nothing's set in stone, anybody can find someone to be with. Doubt is probably one of the least productive emotions to have ^^ you shouldn't let doubt destroy your chances of finding the perfect guy. You'll find him. You just have to believe in yourself
Divorce is a hard thing to deal with when it's happening close to you.
But you have to realise that it is a GOOD thing.
Love is fluid. It does change over time. It's normal and healthy for people to grow apart. Sometimes after a brief fling of a romance that lasted a summer, sometimes after many years. It happens because our needs change and we never stop growing as people.
It's also very common with middle-aged people whose children have left the nest or are about to leave the nest. It seems like once the parenting period of their lives is over, the parts of their bond based on young-rearing have served their purpose and draw to a natural close. They're entering a new phase of their life and as such, their needs are changing and they are becoming different people than they were while you were growing up.
It's all okay, and it's all normal. One day you will get married and you may well decide after many years that a divorce is what will make you happiest, and that's okay. Changing your mind doesn't invalidate any of the good experiences that you had. Spending a good portion of your life on a good relationship and then leaving it does not mean that any of that time was wasted. Live for the now; the important thing is to do whatever will make you happiest in any given moment. If that path leads you to spend a lifetime with one lovely person well that's great, but spending it with several lovely people is just as good because you were still happy the entire time.
The only mistake people make is trying to cling on to a bad relationship just to meet standards of social approval because the pretense is more important to them than their own wellbeing. Don't do that.
...What you're saying does make sense... I mean, if I attempt a relationship, seems I very well could be in for heartbreak. If I keep running away, i'll be sad out of loneliness... Guess either way, i'll be hurt...
To a certain extent, yes, every path has the potential for pain. But you can't refrain from living just in case you get hurt. You'll miss out on the good stuff too and personally I strongly beleive that the good stuff pays for the bad several times over.
Even so, love doesn't necessarily end in movie-style devastating heartbreak every time. Often times, you just grow apart and end on good terms.
I think that the best thing to do is focus on becoming a healthy and independant person. This way if you meet someone it's a bonus, and if you don't you'll manage, and if you get hurt you have enough emotional security and other good things in your life that it stings for a while but doesn't mess you up long-term.
This is a question that I ask myself a lot, actually. My parents are strikingly similar to yours. When I grew older, I started taking note of all their arguing and wondered why they never got divorced. I speculate it's because they don't want my youngest sister to go through the pain of her parents separating even though she loves and gets along with both of them fairly well. Had they divorced earlier on, I don't think I would've been able to handle it, either. I won't pretend to understand what your parents were thinking when they divorced, but perhaps they didn't want to keep hurting each other over what they viewed as a lost cause, and indirectly, you, the bystander. I've heard sad stories about people who suffered from their parents' divorces - self-pity, blame, depression, etc. So while one part of me feels grateful that they stuck together for the sake of me and my sisters, I still felt hurt seeing them argue and attack each other verbally almost daily growing up. Perhaps they wanted to spare you and themselves from that. Our parents might not have been completely right, but it is the choice that they made. I don't think that you should completely reject having a relationship. Your parents are just one of the millions of people out there, so it is a bit unfair to all those decent guys out there if you discriminate them because of them, eh? Even if you decide to never take things to that level, there are all different kinds of love, such as friendship. If you don't feel that you're ready to commit yourself to anyone in that sense, you always have friends or perhaps siblings that care for you.
Haha, it feels strange typing all that when I came here also looking for answers. Some musing on the part of someone in the same boat? Anyhow, I hope that was somewhat helpful, even if only a tiny bit, and I hope that you'll be able to find a satisfactory response to your question.
Now that I think of it... I'm the youngest of two siblings... They must have just held onto their relationship until they felt I was old enough to take it... And yet they still keep that topic so sheltered... When one of the parents is around, I can't even ask anyone else nearby about their marriage... And there is no need for them to be afraid of me being hurt... It won't hurt nearly as much as the desicions involving people I will meet...
Funny... I always thought of the divorce hurting myself in relationships... I never thought how it could hurt anyone who would want to be close to me...
Glad to hear, haha. xD Even if you are ready to accept the truth and the reasons behind their divorce, it doesn't necessarily mean that they want to tell you. It might be much more complicated than "We don't love each other anymore. End of story," Bringing it up may be more painful than they'd like to handle, so they don't. If you really think that they held on until you were old enough, then it means that they both still love you, and I think that's what matters the most. Your parents' divorce is a thing of the pat, so you don't need to let it lead it by your nose. It can serve as a reminder for you to be careful, but I think you should be able to enjoy your relationships with other people, no matter the kind. ^^
I haven't read everyone's comment here, but I'm going to go out on a very short limb and assert that they are all wrong.
Marriage is Hard. That is a fact. I don't know if you have any siblings, but even to love a sibling is hard. The difference is that a sibling you are given by blood, therefore it seems normal to love through difficulty. but in a Marriage, people think that because they chose to get married, they can choose to divorce. because they felt nice and followed their hedonism, they can follow it again.
but here's a couple facts. the larger percentage of divorced people are less happy than those who stick with their marriage. Even if it is an unpleasant marriage, divorce is worse. When people got arranged marriages in the past, these problems weren't there. Why not? because people weren't so full of themselves, weren't following their emotions.
The biggest mistake of modern romance is this: following your emotions.
I repeat, with emphasis: FOLLOWING YOUR EMOTIONS IS A MISTAKE.
that is why the divorce rate is so high, and that is why people have such problems in their marriage, and they don't know how to handle them.
If you want to avoid the problems of your parents, start with this: Stop thinking in a lovey-dovey fashion, and learn to see things as they are: ordinary, plain, and ugly. If you are able to accept and marry someone with qualities that you can hate with all your being, you will be able to stick with them, and weave your personalities together, becoming a symboitic union.
If you are not able to accept someone with qualities that you hate with all your being, forget marriage entirely, and be single the rest of your life.
Your fear is quite understandable, especially because your parents are divorced and not wanting to speak about it. There's something you have to remember though, you may love someone but aren't meant to be their lover. This is what I believe happened to your parents. There are many different levels and variations of love, your parents were possibly just meant to be friends that love each other, but you were meant to be born and so they made what they probably think is a mistake (their relationship)in order to make you. You are not your parents and just because they went through a break up, it doesn't mean that you will to. You just gotta find someone that you know you are deserving of, don't settle for less. Love is beautiful and it is always worth it. Your parents might not want to live together but I'm sure they also don't regret the fact that they have. You (and if you have any siblings) are the rock that connects them, without you they'd have nothing. You are their love and atleast loving you is one thing they CAN agree on. So yes, love is worth it.
But saying "Find someone you deserve" and "don't settle for less"... That sounds a bit like a contradiction. Like, I could love someone who I feel I don't deserve and so I will settle for less... ...And if they don't regret their time together... Why won't they talk about it with me?
You confuse with deserving someone and having standards. We all have this idea of who we want and then someone comes along that doesn't fit those standards and we truly love them, it happens. But maybe I didn't word things right, my point was that don't settle for someone just because you can't find someone else or because you're at an age where you're supposed to be married sort of thing. And also love isn't always enough, be with someone not just cause you love them, but also because they understand you, know how to comfort you, know how to calm you down and care for you. Find that person that feels like your other half.
And about your parents, maybe they don't want you involved in their mess or think they're protecting you. People always have a reason for their actions, maybe it still hurts them even if they aren't showing it. If you truly want to know the details, you'll have to let them know that you can handle it and that talking about it will make you understand their relationship and also it will help them heal. You really got to show them that their decision and actions are a part of your life as well, and so you have the right to know what's going on and why.
I hope that helps. I'm always here if you need to talk. And you're welcome
Finding my other half... That's seems like a really good way to find someone. I know i'm not the type to settle simply because it feels that I have to. I suppose I also have to remain strong even if my parent's say I picked the wrong person. Although, if my parets guess correctly that we would split up, i'd never live it down...
I would have thought that me asking several times about their divorce would indicate that I can take it...
It's different just asking them and getting them to see that you can take it. Parents sometimes get this idea that when their child asks them something that they aren't always prepared to hear the answer. If they see that you're taking it seriously and if you let them know that their divorce involves you and therefore you would like to know the cause of it no matter how brutal it may be, maybe they'll give in. Communication is always important and it's good to tell them how you feel about all of this and what it is doing to your trust with love. You have to let them know that by them holding this from you, they're only hurting you with the mystery. I honestly don't know why they would be so mysterious about this, my only guess is that one of them did something that they feel ashamed about and don't want you to see them in a negative light, but I don't want to make you think things so just be prepared for anything.
You are you. You are NOT your parents. The way you love is something totally independent from the way others love. So don't be afraid.
And it is naturally that within love, there will be hurt, and there will be joy....but that's what makes love so worthwhile....because despite the hurt, you pull through....some can't hold on, but who says you can't?
I understand what you mean, what you do now is that you watch others' deeds, and you learn. Which is good, but honestly in the end what it all comes down to is that, you need to make your own experience. You need to go out there, go into a relationship (I'm not saying do it now and that you have to, but more like, when the time comes and you are ready and you want to enter a relationship, do it, don't think about 'what if this goes wrong? what if I will end hurting him, what if and what if...). Life isn't about 'what if' life is about experiencing everything, good or bad, and of course it's good to learn from others' mistakes, but you still have to experience other mistakes you will make, you are not perfect, nobody is. To isolate yourself like that from relationships, it won't be healthy for you, it's part of life, and it's not all bad, you will see someday that it can be the most wonderful part of life. Sure though it has it upside downs, like everything else, thing is, what will you do if you shut yourself out from every important event in your life. Would there be something worth living for? I know I make it rather complicated, my point is, everything has a value, and you can't predict what is good and bad unless you experience it and come to such a conclusion within time. Yes maybe you will enter a relationship and become heartbroken, it will feel like the end of the world, but it won't be. I'm glad that I have made relationships, feel like I have lived a tiny bit, I have come closer to certain people, I have let my emotions flow, and I have a certain experience. It's not like I planned to end them all, but at the time, when you want someone, you just can't let them go. Every relationship doesn't have to end exactly the same way as your parents. Give yourself the right to experience events in your life.
You explain things with such nice words... And you have a very good point... It is just that it is not just my pain that i'm worried about. I don't want anyone else that I could be involved with being hurt simply because I need to 'find myself', and that is a contradiction I am frightened about... The more I WANT to be with someone, the more I will also want to not hurt them as a result of me trying to live...
Well, decide what you want to do, to find yourself, live, or to be in a relationship? although I'm thinking more about, why cannot you do both? Being in a relationship means that you share your life with someone, so why not do the same things? but of course you must first make sure that you are satisfied with yourself and your life, before you let someone in.
Like the old addage says, 'tis better to have loved and lost, then to never have loved at all. Don't be a frady cat. Go out there and break some hearts, heck break your own. At least you'll be living, not paralyzed with fear. The great thing is that it's always possible to meet someone new and fall in love again, unless you don't want to. That's how you end up alone in a world CRAMMED with available people.
That's relationships. They are never perfect - you have to grow into being good partners. So you try with your best intentions and sometimes you fail and then you talk it out and try again and you do that over and over again for as long as you are and live together. And sometimes you are good for eachother for a while but then it comes to a point where you can't do anything more for eachother and it's time to move on. As we grow and change so does the way we relate to other people and if they do not keep up with us or if their development is in a different direction, we grow apart. Being afraid of it doesn't stop it from happening and only hurts more as it forces people to remain in places they aren't comfortable to be in.
I'm sure your parents divorce seems like a catastrophy to you right now and that's how it works, break-ups are often ugly and hurtful no matter how respectful you are to each other but you know what? It passes. And separating when you no longer make eachother happy is a very reasonable and adult thing to do and helps people grow past these petty fears and "what-if's".
The only love that is constant is the love you should have for yourself.
That's the big turn off about relationships... I don't know how much effort i'm willing to put into one... What if it takes too much effort to fit with the person? What a waste that would turn out to be... And then there is the question of future change. I cannot trust the love will last no matter how much I want it at first...
My parents have been divorced for 8 years and I don't see it as a catastrophy... I just want one of my parents to talk with me about it... Why they grew apart, how their relationship began and ended, how they 'knew' they should be together...
Loving oneself... Never thought that was part of all this... I just wish I could...
well I don't even fully comprehend the definition of love, and I'm sure majority as well :C seeing the society now not being able to differentiate between lust and love kind of scares me honestly e ____ e and watching those asian dramas with those antagonists obsessed with receiving love from the protagonist makes it worse. I've always thought that when you're in love, as long as the person you're in love is is happy, you're supposed to be happy for the person too, no matter how painful it is for you d: and when in a relationship, no matter how bad it's going, you should try to fix it, not throw it away (unless physical abuse is involved that is a huge no no in my opinion).
idk lolol then again I'm still a kid I have no right to judge x'D ignore my crap~