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February 9, 2013
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Mainting a long distance relationship with a workaholic?

:iconinubasket:
inubasket Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Okay so, I've recently starting seeing this guy who lives about 3 hours away from me. He's great and sweet and blah blah, it's a nice relationship.

BUT. He's a serious, serious workaholic.

He works 5 days a week (10+ hour shifts.) He has weekends off but he brings home projects and works on them, too. He has told me over and over that he definitely wants a relationship with me. And since I'm the one that drives 3 hours to see him all the time (because he has his own place and I don't), he treats me to dinner and dates... on the weekend... only lasting a couple hours before I have to go home again so he can work.

He's terrible at keeping up with texts and doesn't like to talk on the phone, so his preferred method of communication during the week is Skype because he can use it while at work. But MY job doesn't allow me to use skype. So we just don't talk on it.

TL;DR version: He works ALL the freaking time and therefore we only see/talk each other every weekend/every other weekend. Is there ANYthing I can do to make this relationship a little easier? Has anyone else had to go through the hardships of long distance relationships but still succeeded?
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Devious Comments

:iconterroristgaspa:
TerroristGaspa Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2013
Tell him your ready and actually try it out, what do you have to lose
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:iconthemarcher:
TheMarcher Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
Yeah me and my girlfriend did. I was like your guy, working and studying a lot. But we tried to make the weekends count as much as possible. And it was nice to have to short periods together because you valued the time you got and there was no time to fight about stupid stuff that you do when you live together.

So try to at least stay the night sometimes. And if everything works out and he realizes that there is more in life than work (took me long enough...) then it might work out.

If he does not make these sacrifices then he might not be the one.
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:iconlbthecc:
LBtheCC Featured By Owner Feb 10, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Surely you can find someone willing to meet your needs within your own town.
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:icon3wyl:
3wyl Featured By Owner Feb 10, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
If you want to make it work, then talk to him about it and see if he can compromise.

Though, really, if both of you have to change drastically for this, then I can't say that's right.

So yeah, it may be better just to let him go because he doesn't seem ready even if he says he is. His actions say differently and that's what matters.
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:icondutchconnaisseur:
DutchConnaisseur Featured By Owner Feb 10, 2013
I can't see how this relationship works at all.
Break up, move on. Plenty of fish in the sea.
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:iconatlantech:
Atlantech Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
that sounds like a very complicated relationship, long distance or not. I think you need to consider how you feel, and even ask yourself if your needs are being met.
To me it doesn't sound like it is worth it, but it's entirely up to you.
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:iconebolabearvomit:
EbolaBearVomit Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2013
Have you identified why he works so much?

That's a really important thing to know and understand.

If he's doing it to get a big raise/promotion and there is a time down the line where he's not going to be working all the time, you just have to work with his time management abilities until then. But you need a definitive gameplan/timeline.
Or if his work is project oriented you should expect to see more of him between projects.

If he's a work-a-holic because he's one of those people who does a tremendous amount of free work (bringing shit home all the time) for his bosses to maintain favor or he's one of those unfortunate people
who desperately do anything they can for bosses regardless of the payoff for a any of a multitude of irrational reasons you should move on. People like that will ditch their own families for the stupidest of reasons for their jobs/bosses.
I knew a moron like that and it was a nightmare for his wife. I'm glad she left the asshole.

If he's a workaholic because that's just what he does, then you need to get him to understand that you're not getting as much time as you think you should in the relationship.

If his future plans do not include you, why do you include him in your life?
What do you want in the relationship?

What I think:

He likes you. How much I don't know. But since you go to him he can keep you around
until you're too much trouble. Even though he may not be thinking like that he's operating like it.
Basically as long as you're going to him and not making him spend time away from work for your needs he'll be cool.

If you try to get him to spend more time on you and the relationship and he gets annoyed or angry, it's 100% proof positive you're a fling.

If he makes an effort to address some of your needs, you might have something.:meow:

Good luck
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:iconinubasket:
inubasket Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
You're totally right! Thank you so much for this reply (: Neither he nor I have been in a lot of relationships so we both know we have our own personal issues about them. The "keep you are around until you're too much trouble" thing is a real eye opener. I never thought of it like that. I guess the best way to test that is like you said, I need to simply lay out all my terms on the table right upfront, and if he compromises then it's all good, but if he gets annoyed/upset than I need to move on. Thanks so much!!
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:iconebolabearvomit:
EbolaBearVomit Featured By Owner Feb 10, 2013
Indeed!

Everyone likes breakfast in bed when they're the ones getting it right?
Same thing here.

If you two have a good honest conversation about the relationship you'll both learn a lot and hopefully work something out.

I used to 90 miles (one way) multiple times a month for almost two years before I got tired of potential asshole in-laws and their mental problems.:rofl:
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:iconneurotype:
neurotype Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
What do you want out of a relationship? Kind of boils down to that, I think. :B
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:iconinubasket:
inubasket Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Very true. In a perfect world, I'd stay with him every weekend (Saturday+Sunday), and talk to him on the phone at least a few times during the week. He gets 4 weeks paid vacation a year, so again, in a perfect world, I'd take a week off from work and we'd spend a week of it together. In reality, he just never really includes me in his future plans. I feel like I'm not his girlfriend, but an occasional hobby -_- haha
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:iconneurotype:
neurotype Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
The never including you sounds a bit more troublesome than the rest. But seriously, if what matters to you is a lot of time with someone, you need to look elsewhere. D:
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:iconinubasket:
inubasket Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Yeah, it is. I know I could find more "convenient" relationships closer to wear I live, but I really love him and was really excited when he asked me to date him. I suppose I'll just have to tough it out and see what happens, and if things continue down this road for a long time, then yeah I'll have to tell him "look I either need more attention or I need to go."
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:iconneurotype:
neurotype Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
That's fair. :nod:
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:iconfelissauria:
Felissauria Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2013  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
3 hours is not a long distance relationship.

Tell him that to make the relationship work he needs to make time for you. Two to four times a month is not good enough. :nod:
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:iconebolabearvomit:
EbolaBearVomit Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2013
It sure is LD
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:iconinubasket:
inubasket Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
158 miles down there, 158 miles back home. That's one full tank of gas for my car, meaning I'm filling up my car twice a week now. I consider that long distance xD (Though I agree, it's not as if he's across the country.)

I've brought it up subtly but he never really understands what I'm getting at. How do I ask him to make time for me without sounding selfish? :/
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:iconfelissauria:
Felissauria Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2013  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
My long distance relationship spanned 3000km. I have a friend in Canada dating someone in Germany, and another friend in Israel dating someone in Australia. :B Sorry, I just don't see something as small as a 3 hour drive long distance. :B

Ask him what he expects out of the relationship? Like, why are you dating me when we only see each other 2 or 3 times a month? Why even date? Could it be possible for you to work a little bit less hard so we can actually spend more time together?

Have you thought about moving closer to him maybe? Unless you guys aren't that close and that would feel kinda creepy. :lol:
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:iconinubasket:
inubasket Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Wow, those are definitely long distance relationships! Compared to those, 3 hours is nothing xD How do your friends manage? Are they happy or do they also have insecurities about their relationships?

We've only been dating a short amount of time but we've known each other for a rather long time. I was going to bring up the possibility of us someday living together, because he has made it clear to me that he is eventually hoping for a "permanent" relationship with me (meaning marriage.) And then last week, he dropped to bomb shell on me that his older brother will be moving in with him in a few months. And now I have no idea what to do T_T
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:iconebolabearvomit:
EbolaBearVomit Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2013
Ha! His brother ruined your plans.

I think that would be a mess if you moved in with him now. Because it's no longer you and him, it's you and them.
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:iconfelissauria:
Felissauria Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2013  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
One of them is very happy because they're getting married soon. The other is having some issues with family and money. :hmm:

Ugh, so confusing! :lol: I don't know what to say. :laughing:
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:iconkimsy2358:
kimsy2358 Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2013
If you love him let him go and he will come back if it is meant to be.
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:iconinubasket:
inubasket Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I asked him if he was sure he was willing to be in a LD relationship with me, and he swears he is. So I don't really know how "letting him go" would help anything.
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:iconkimsy2358:
kimsy2358 Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2013
If you let him go and he comes back he will try harder.
If he doesn't he isn't worth your time.
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:iconinubasket:
inubasket Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
But what if I let him go and he thinks I'm not interested anymore? D: He's the kind of guy that never pushes his feelings on others, so if I leave he'll think I seriously don't want to be with him and he won't purse me for fear of bothering me. :/
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:iconkimsy2358:
kimsy2358 Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2013
Then tell him this is bothering you and that you want to spend more time around him because you care deeply about him, he will understand.
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:iconblackvragor:
blackvragor Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2013  Student Traditional Artist
The way I look at it, you'll simply have to make a few compromises. At this point, if you're both sincere about maintaining a relationship of that gravity, I'm sure you can both persevere and bear the trials with enthusiasm. Otherwise, someone is going to have to make a sacrifice. Sticky situation I'd say. That probably didn't help at all, :lol:.
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:iconinubasket:
inubasket Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks for the reply (: Yeah, I already knew I'd have to make sacrifices to be in a long distance relationship. I don't even mind that we don't get to see each other a lot. I just wish there was some way I could make him more interested in me than his work once in a while, you know? I want him to talk to me during the week dammit. Even a text would be awesome at this point >_<
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:iconblackvragor:
blackvragor Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2013  Student Traditional Artist
Personally, I think this is friction caused by the cliche idea that certain personalities do not mix, haha, but that doesn't mean one can't work around that stigma. I get where he's coming from, because I'm the same type of person in that I put my work over literally everything and everyone else. I couldn't be bothered to make time for other people let alone answer texts a lot of the time, but that's just a way of being. I'm sure he's delighted to be with you, but unfortunately he has a characteristic that tends to steal away his attention at times, I would figure.
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:iconinubasket:
inubasket Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Hm, I never thought of it like that. Very true!

When we first got together, I thought I'd be fine because I'm also the type of person who hardly keeps up with my texts, and I need a lot of alone time. But I guess now that I'm with him I realize that I probably like him even more than I originally thought I did, and that makes me want to give up my alone time in order to monopolize him. And the fact that he doesn't want to give anything up in order to spend more time with me just makes me a little worried.

But yeah, maybe I'm just over-thinking it D:
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:iconblackvragor:
blackvragor Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2013  Student Traditional Artist
Sounds a bit like you are, :lol:.

Maybe it would be good to get back to your own roots and perhaps you'll see a balance develop there! I mean, it could be a lot worse. At least the guy sounds like an honest to goodness hard worker. Could be an alcoholic rather than a workaholic, haha.
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:iconinubasket:
inubasket Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Hm, you're right! Thank you (:
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