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February 9, 2013
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problems with my dad

:icondadona777:
dadona777 Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2013
I am ashamed to have stooped so low as to come crawling to the deviantART forums for help on a personal issue, but so far I haven't been getting much help anywhere else and I'm slowly becoming more and more desperate

I grew up in a (conservative) christian home. my dad just retired from the USAF after at least 20 years of service, during which time he was deployed many times. his biggest one was the time he went to Iraq for 7 months and came home seemingly normal at the time but with a case of PTSD which I believe was never taken care of. only recently had he told us that he cannot sit with his back to open space at the dinner table and therefore must sit with his back to a wall

my dad had always been strict and always gave my three siblings and me a good whooping when we needed it. however after he came back from Iraq (I was around 13 or 14 at the time) his temper became explosive, and over the course of a couple of years his "spankings" escalated into hitting and leaving bruises. he would become angry about the smallest things and would scream and yell for seemingly no reason whatsoever

this, of course, was a bad time for me to start realizing that I was gender variant and attracted to women. the moment my dad found out all hell broke loose. he drove me out about 10 miles away from the house where he gave me a traumatizing lecture on Hell and threatened to kick me out of "his" house if I spoke a single word he didn't like. I didn't say anything so he left me there and drove away. I he turned around 45 minutes later and assured me that he loved me and God would make it all better if I never spoke of what happened there

it happened a second time, after I had written a letter officially coming out to him as attracted to women. we had friends over the day he decided to take me for a "walk" but I refused to go with him and locked myself into my bedroom. my fears were confirmed when he started pounding on my door and dragged me downstairs by my hair when I finally opened it up. he repeatedly pushed me against a tree and decided to drive me off to a church parking lot when faced with the thought of being caught by the police. he continued screaming into my face the entire drive and trying to convince me that I have a "sin disease" that God can help me overcome

sometime later we went to the hospital for a regular checkup and my sister was found with bruises under her arms. the doctors called CPS but my dad convinced them they had no reason to be concerned. after that incident he learned his lesson and resorted only to hitting us on the head whenever he was angry at us, so that no bruises would show

over the last year and a half my dad slowly found out about my gender variance and became increasingly hostile toward me. I can name several incidents where I was hit repeatedly on the head, thrown to the ground, pushed against the wall, backed into a corner screamed at, and threatened to be kicked out of the house whenever I had an emotional meltdown about my physical sex

the last incident was about 3 and a half weeks ago (though it might as well have been yesterday due to the way it's ingrained into my head). the next day I reported it to my school counselors, who reported it to CPS. I still haven't gotten a response from them and I don't think I will anytime soon or at all. since then I've been looking on the internet for pro-LGBT organizations can help me out of this situation, but so far I can't find anything satisfactory and have only encountered information on school bullying and not abusive home environments

does anyone know who I can contact or any hotlines I can call if another incident occurs?
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Devious Comments

:iconblackfyrevalyrian:
BlackfyreValyrian Featured By Owner Mar 23, 2013
[link] <--- a list of hotlines
Please, please report him. To the police. To CPS. Keep calling, keep trying. You're not only in danger, your sibling is. He is being incredibly abusive and needs mental help. I'm so sorry this happened to you and I hope your situation gets better. ):
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:icondadona777:
dadona777 Featured By Owner Mar 23, 2013
thanks
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:iconfreyaferen:
FreyaFeren Featured By Owner Mar 18, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I'm really sorry to hear about your situation.

It's incredible how hard it can be to get help in such a situation. Be it from school or the police etc.

For example a friend of mine had a similar situation where her dad "got smart" after almost getting caught and started to make sure there are no mark left after a beating.
It got really bad one time when he took her to nearby woods for a beating - scared the hell out of her. There were no marks on her though so she made the bruises on her own and went to the police with a recording she made earlier. She tried to get help for months before that incident but people got really interested only after she got the "proper evidence" -_- At least she FINALLY got some help and a restraining order.
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:icondadona777:
dadona777 Featured By Owner Mar 18, 2013
the school counselors gave me a hard time and we insistent that I must have done something to set him off
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:iconfreyaferen:
FreyaFeren Featured By Owner Mar 18, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I don't think i ever met a helpful school counselor - sometimes i wonder how such thickheaded and inconsiderate people even get a job like that.
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:icondadona777:
dadona777 Featured By Owner Mar 18, 2013
my last counselor was really nice and understanding, but not the ones at my new school
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:iconrenstalker:
renstalker Featured By Owner Mar 4, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
That sounds awful :-( I'm not sure what to suggest except informing your tutors at college and seeing where it goes from there - you can't let your father treat you like that.

How old are you by the way hun? Is it possible to move out with friends or relatives?
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:icondadona777:
dadona777 Featured By Owner Mar 4, 2013
I'll be 18 soon
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:iconrenstalker:
renstalker Featured By Owner Mar 4, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Could you move out, or would this be too drastic / no work opportunities / way of supporting yourself?
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:icondadona777:
dadona777 Featured By Owner Mar 4, 2013
my dad promised to cut my tuition payment if I leave
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:iconrenstalker:
renstalker Featured By Owner Mar 5, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
For college? :-( shit that's not good.

Is there any financial help for students who want to pay their own way through college?
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:icondadona777:
dadona777 Featured By Owner Mar 5, 2013
I've started applying for financial aid and scholarships
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:iconmclandis:
Mclandis Featured By Owner Mar 1, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
I grew up in a (conservative) christian home.

:icontheresyourproblemplz:

Also, when you find someone with whom you can live with, get a restraining order.
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:icondadona777:
dadona777 Featured By Owner Mar 1, 2013
I know, right

meh I might not
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:icongrendalunleashed:
GrendalUnleashed Featured By Owner Feb 28, 2013  Professional General Artist
This is a difficult situation, with the ongoing controversy over gay/lesbian status both in military and civilian spheres. If as you perceive your father's PTSD has not been fully addressed then the best option would be for yourself and your sister to approach the VA to intervene and help him with this, I imagine your father would be resistant to any intervention that came from outside the military. As for yourself help is rarely satisfactory but it is still help and making a start with a local LGBT group is still preferable to trying to cope alone, you may meet someone there who has the information you seek.

When I revealed my life choice to my father he drove me 100 miles away and didn't come back for a year! And that was because I told him I wanted to draw comics :)
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:icondadona777:
dadona777 Featured By Owner Mar 1, 2013
wow that's insane
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:icongrendalunleashed:
GrendalUnleashed Featured By Owner Mar 17, 2013  Professional General Artist
I had a great adventure in the intervening time, met some good people, ate fresh squirrel (okay that bit wasn't so good :D) and I began to realize that how my father perceived me and my own perceptions of myself would never gel. I persevered with his behavior for another two decades before finally saying 'enough' and we haven't had any contact since.

I love him still and I know deep down he doesn't want to hurt me, he has just become stuck in a cycle which began before I was born that he has been unable to break.

Um, this is your forum not mine :D If your father does cut your tuition, best of luck finding alternate funding...do you not qualify for independent funding as the child of a veteran/serving service man?
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:icondadona777:
dadona777 Featured By Owner Mar 17, 2013
I might but I'm not sure
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:icongrendalunleashed:
GrendalUnleashed Featured By Owner Mar 17, 2013  Professional General Artist
[link]

[link]

[link],

[link]

[link]

Here are a few links which may be of help :)
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:icondadona777:
dadona777 Featured By Owner Mar 17, 2013
thanks :)
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:icongrendalunleashed:
GrendalUnleashed Featured By Owner Mar 17, 2013  Professional General Artist
:)
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:iconkitsumekat:
kitsumekat Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2013
Sadly, you almost have no choice but, to wait it out until you turn 18. A good thing to do though is stay with a friend.
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:icondadona777:
dadona777 Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2013
I'll be 18 on the 10th
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:iconkitsumekat:
kitsumekat Featured By Owner Feb 27, 2013
By then, it would be consider assult and you can press charges after you leave the house.
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:icondadona777:
dadona777 Featured By Owner Feb 28, 2013
that's true
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:iconkitsumekat:
kitsumekat Featured By Owner Mar 4, 2013
Evil as it is, try to duke it out a little bit longer. The summer is comming soon and you can leave the place afterwards.
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:icondadona777:
dadona777 Featured By Owner Mar 4, 2013
I guess so :/
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:iconcaettyri:
Caettyri Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013  Student General Artist
I wish I knew the right thing to say. I want to say I'm so sorry for you, but I would think you don't want people to have a "pity party" here. But I am really sorry for these conditions, nobody should have to live a life like that. I am an alli of the LGBT community in my school district. If you ever need anyone to talk to for whatever comfort, I'm always here to listen. I will try to give my best advice, but I have never experienced this situation before. But as a fellow alli, I would more than gladly be here as a friend if you need one. :)
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:icondadona777:
dadona777 Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013
thanks :)
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:iconcaettyri:
Caettyri Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013  Student General Artist
Anytime c:
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:icondadona777:
dadona777 Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013
:hug:
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:iconravynnenevyrmore:
RavynneNevyrmore Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013  Student Digital Artist
Also I don't know anything about Austin but you might want to consider getting out of Texas as soon as you're able. New York, Boston, and San Francisco are all nice LGBT-friendly cities.

You could possibly look into a college transfer after spending a year or two at your school in Austin on his GI Bill. There's a good chance he'll revoke it and you'll have to start taking out student loans, but loans for 2-3 years of college is better than loans for 4 years of college.
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:icondadona777:
dadona777 Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013
that's true
I actually have a few friends in WA who want to help me with my situation
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:iconandharian:
Andharian Featured By Owner Feb 23, 2013  Student General Artist
My God. If you need to talk to anyone, you've got me alright? I suggest you contact an abuse hotline immediately, or the police, or go to the hospital and report your father. He clearly has a mental disorder, and no control over his temper. He may not even realize what he's doing when he does it, it can get seriously dangerous for you and your family. Please, please try contacting someone again. Which country do you live in?
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:icondadona777:
dadona777 Featured By Owner Feb 23, 2013
I live in the US
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:iconandharian:
Andharian Featured By Owner Feb 23, 2013  Student General Artist
Then it should be comparatively easier to contact abuse hotlines. Have you tried?
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:icondadona777:
dadona777 Featured By Owner Feb 23, 2013
unfortunately no. the last time it happened was a few days ago but I couldn't call anyone because my dad took my phone and was monitoring me the rest of the night
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:iconandharian:
Andharian Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013  Student General Artist
then anytime you get out of the house, can't you run to the police? Tell a teacher? A friend? Are you in school atm?
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:icondadona777:
dadona777 Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013
I'm at home right now. I've talked to a few people about what's happened but nothing happened really
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:iconandharian:
Andharian Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2013  Student General Artist
seriously? When you go out, talk to a teacher. Try this: [link]
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:icondadona777:
dadona777 Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2013
I have but eh
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(1 Reply)
:iconexkyuubi:
Exkyuubi Featured By Owner Feb 22, 2013
There might be a potentially useful thread someone made on the forum called 'Useful helplines and resources' [link] You might find something there for you to contact someone, it lists hotlines and the like. Its worth a look if you haven't found anything yet. Good luck!
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:icondadona777:
dadona777 Featured By Owner Feb 23, 2013
I think I saw that thread recently. I'll save all those contacts
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:icongabjas:
Gabjas Featured By Owner Feb 22, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I hope situations get better for you, as people have previously recommend, next incident that leaves a mark, go to the police and they will take care of the rest. You don't deserve to be treated like that. I wish you all the best.
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:icondadona777:
dadona777 Featured By Owner Feb 23, 2013
thanks
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:icongabjas:
Gabjas Featured By Owner Feb 23, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
No problem.
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:icondadona777:
dadona777 Featured By Owner Feb 23, 2013
:)
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:iconmechakraken:
MechaKraken Featured By Owner Feb 22, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I'm sorry to say this, but your dad is an asshole. Whether or not the service made him what he is, the fact remains that he is a fucking asshole. He responds to problems with anger, which will only cause problems for him in life. You say that he is conservative christian, well what ever happened to "Respect thy neighbor"? He is sinning himself for his treatment of you.

That's another thing, why does "HE" get the priveledge of sitting with his back to the wall during dinner? I understand what he means by having the protection of a wall against one's back, that it eliminates the possibility of being attacked from behind. Using this logic though, why does he get to sit with his back to the wall, when YOU, his children, sit out in the open? You would think, that him knowing the extra protection the wall provides, would suggest YOU to sit with your back to the wall FIRST. Since you are his kids, YOU should have the best of protection FIRST. Again, what an asshole.

Back to religion, what also happened to "Thou shalt not kill" or "Thall shall not covet thy neighbor's possessions". He is breaking those commandments, by killing on orders of the USAF, or by coveting what he believes to be a "normal family" and rejecting you for your sexuality. What a real piece of work.

I'd advise you to give him the middle finger and then get out. Get as far away from that asshole as possible, because he just won't understand you. His beliefs are more important to him. As soon as you can, get out, but if that is not possible, buy a tape recorder and carry it with you at all times. The next time he acts up, record him and then bring it to a police station or somewhere else that can help. He seems to think that he can act without consequence, he is severly mistaken in that respect. I did the tape recorder thing with my own mother when she was out of control, showing up uninvited at my job and flicking her cigarette ash on my boss's desk as if she owned it. She learned very quickly her place in the world and the boundries she is expected to abide by in respect to other people.
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:icondadona777:
dadona777 Featured By Owner Feb 22, 2013
if I could get a tape recorder I'd get one the next time something bad happens again. there was another incident a few days ago but I wasn't able to contact anyone
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:iconmechakraken:
MechaKraken Featured By Owner Feb 22, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Well, make sure you have a place to stay first before you take action against your father. From the way you described him, he would kick you out of the house without a second thought, if only to be spiteful to you because he knows he can. When he has no power or influence over you, no strings with which to cut or pull, that is when you can go all fuckin' out on him.

Perhaps you should get the recorder as soon as possible, and make recordings whenever something happens. Save up all these recordings until you can move out, and then bring them to the police. Your dad will have no control over the distribution of these recordings and the (deserved) investigation of his character. Perhaps you may even want to hire a lawyer, to see if the lawyer can advise if you are able to sue your father for neglectful treatment.

One last thing - think of your recorder like a credit card, you don't leave home without it. Or to put it in another way, always keep it with you. Having physical proof of him being an asshole to you will go a long way in supporting your case against him to the police. Just make sure he doesn't know he is being recorded until a case is requested, otherwise he may try to take the recorder away from you, or worse.
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