You were a teenager when you met Matt, right? You said you met him on MMORPGs, and you played those because you didn't fit in anywhere else.
It sounds like the butterflies didn't come from Matt. You were young, and here was this person who comes from the game! The game that makes you happy and fit in. It sounds like the butterflies came from obsession.
Try to separate Matt from the game in your memories. From what you say about him as a person, he sounds like a jerk who doesn't deserve you. Telling you not to talk to people or have social media accounts is WRONG. It's something nobody should ever tell a boyfriend/girlfriend to do EVER.
I don't know how Jack "hurts" you. He might be a jerk too. Or you're just not over Matt.
Upon reading the little history in the first paragraphs, I could identify myself in them. But at the lecture's end, I'm just thinking we're totally different. I, too, found solace into video games after perpetual bullying in middle school, and I also started an online relationship. But I was 15 back then. At 16, I suddenly kicked myself in the ass for actually doing the "online dating" with some guy who claimed to understand me and stuff while chatting in-game and on the net. Therefore, I broke up with him (though we never were really "together", so I'm not even sure if I'm supposed to call it a break up at all) What your relation to this Matt character was made of was a bunch of constant abuse towards eachother. Yes, limitations like that are actually an abuse of trust meant to make up for the sense of insecurity you both had. I'd say you'll better break up with Jack and get OVER Matt as well. You need some "me time" to sort out your real priorities. You must stay single for a while, because you are clearly incapable of handling yourself when it comes to being in a relationship.
I told you to break up with Jack because you are uninterested in him, and because you'll eventually hurt him. Worse case scenario is you two hurting eachother and going through shit all over again.
#1. your relationship with Matt sucked. forget that and screw it.
When one is weak, they fall for things. you were in a moment of weakness in your life and you fell for something. It's happened to me too.
I have no advice pertaining to Jack. You haven't described enough about him in OP for me to give certain advice.
but it seems certain that your feelings for Matt? those are merely circuits in your head that have been patterned to move in a particular way. Like an addiction, your relationship with him is destructive, unhelpful and unhealthy, and even led you to self-harm. push him far away from your life and keep him away.
I had the exact same experience. spending time around such a person leads you into a vortex of low self-esteem.
Let me just say, I am in a similar situation, and I cOMPLETELY understand you. Through your whole letter I could see myself right into the same shit, felt like you were kinda telling my story haha. I'm sorry I can't tell you what is the right thing to do, I'm in a similar situation myself and have been trying so hard to make things work between us, for years, and he is being the same to me, but thing is, I know his problem.. he studied abroad for 6 years, so we dealt with distance, and now he is back but he doesn't want a relationship, but rather freedom. Which I understand completely, but I'm the opposite direction, I need to build up my life, I can't go on like this. But every time we try to break up to do what we want, we end up regretting it. Still he refuses to be in a relationship with me, and controls what I do, with whom I speak to, he gets mad when I send heart to friends, even though my friends send me hearts all the time, we've been friends like forever and it doesn't bother us. On the other hand, he sends hearts to friends of his, to the opposite sex, and I'm supposed to not get bothered. You see what I mean? and then he comes along with songs, telling me how much he has endured for us and that I only make him sad blablabla. I know he doesn't understand how I see things, he thinks he does nothing wrong. I feel like I'm in a neverending nightmare, I choose to stay with him even if he has hurt me like hell, because leaving him feels worse, and I can't handle it. Start to cry, can't sleep, can't eat.. I try to have patience, to give him time..
I don't know about your case, but to be with someone while thinking about someone else, isn't that hard? unfair? Maybe you should talk more, about your problems. And yes your love for him is unconditional, you give everything, honestly I did the same, and sometimes I tell myself I should have given more, that it wasn't enough. Those 6 years he was away, I saw many 'Katies' coming down my road, and I still do, it hasn't ended yet. They made my life a living hell, I didn't know how to make it through. Not only girls, but the distance itself, no time, no communication, I have no idea how we still are in one piece, no idea how we still can have such huge attraction to each other, and still want it to work so badly. When I see him, I don't see his wrongs, I don't care about every lie he said to me, I don't care what he did behind my back, I just want to be with him, he makes me happy just by being with me... it sounds horrible haha but it is like that.. and it seems to me that he doesn't care about my lies either, he has forgiven me for everything. But I also think about myself more, because I never got to be happy, I never got to enjoy us being together, my happiness was always taken away from me, I suffered all the time, and this process broke me into smithereens. I become depressed, I think about all the time I lost, all my mistakes, everything I could have had, every tear I shed, all nights I couldn't sleep, how I lost weight... the list is long. I just want you to be satisfied with your choice. If your heart truly loves Matt, beg for forgiveness, try again. In the end, people say that you must be happy, sure, but love also means you will become hurt. I've heard so many things about love, two things that I always think about.
1. a life without love is meaningless, it's like you haven't lived at all 2. when you want something so badly, don't give up, no matter how hard it is or how hopeless it may seem, because in 10 years from now, you will wanna give it one more shot.
Many people around me tell me to leave him, and I am constantly getting into quarrels, I hate it, but I love him so much that I feel like, if I lose him just because somebody else wants it, I will kill them all, I know it sounds dramatic, but it's not rarely you hear something similar about someone who loves. You won't be happy with Jack when your mind is on Matt, and don't let your family choose whom you should be with. It's your choice and yours only, you are not going to live the life they want, but your own. This is your story, it goes the way you want. I've regretted a lot with this guy, for years, and wish I had a second chance to put things right.
Hope I was of some help, feel free to contact me through a note or something ^^ if you want to talk more. Best of luck!
TheKrissyJHFeatured By OwnerFeb 15, 2013Student Traditional Artist
You've been the only one to tell me to try again with Matt. It's been 6 months, and I always think about him. I think about all the "what ifs" and the plans we had for our future. I think about what if we actually had our relationship move onto being real and physical. And what if after that happened and some sort of accident happened and he died? I think I'd become the craziest widow ever. I'd probably sleep in his clothes (and if he was cremated, sleep with his urn.) I'd listen to old voicemails of his that he left. I feel like I'll never be able to move on.
Well, those 'what ifs' aren't going to make your life easier, life is full of events for you to experience, not sit and think 'what if this happens, what if that happens...' I thought the same back then, not exactly your thoughts but I was just wondering if I someday was going to end up regretting giving him everything and that I would find someone better. But I didn't, and I'm still stuck with him, and I only regret the fact that I thought that way. I know I'm the only one to tell you to stay, and I'm guessing it is because I'm probably the only one with the best matching experience (what one has never experienced, one will never understand in print), people are always like that, they will tell you to move on, the easiest thing to do. I do agree with others that have told you that you should do things that you like and evolve your skills etc, it's good and healthy for you. Here is one question for you. What if, you let him go and you regret it afterwards? you start thinking, damn, I knew I loved him and wanted only him, yet I let him go, I should have fought harder for us. I've seen so many versions and examples of the same tragedy, it's surely one of the reasons I so badly try to have patience. And not only that, I don't regret our story, because I've learned a lot, you learn more under bad circumstances, when you fail. Even if you do mistakes, see it as experience. Life is not only about flowers and fairies, you are not a game-show host to smile every day. If you think that you can move on without regretting it then go for it. But if it goes some time, even years, and you look back at it, asking yourself why you did so, because you wanted to be happy, and couldn't have been more patient, then you are probably going to judge everybody who told you to move on. That's why, actually, my advice at this point would be that you follow your heart, even if something goes bad, you will only have yourself to blame.
You don't love Matt, you're still in love with the person you thought he was. Been there, done that. If he loved you, wouldn't he be the one coming to you? where is he? Oh that's right, he's gone, because in reality, he's a self centered piece of shit who never deserved you to begin with. He's a control freak who wants to have his cake and eat it too. So while he was telling you that you couldnt talk to other guys, he was talking to other girls. Man, how could you put up with that shit?
You're better than that, you were just confused and vulnerable. I know this because I was too at one point. Now I hate the fucking son of a bitch. Took me a fucking year to realize the ugly truth, but when it hit, I was better off. Since then I've been with someone who is right for me and come next month, it will be a year that we've been together.
Right now, you need to help yourself wake up and realize that Matt doesn't love you. He left you behind on your ass to cry and feel miserable. that's not love and it never could be. But until you realize this, you won't be happy in another relationship. I think you need to take a step back and work on yourself. therapy, counseling, medication, positive affirmations, the whole works.
Man that's long XD I was expecting a long one as the title said, but WOW
ok..ok....the helpful part:
You made the decision, and as so, I think you have to live with that decision. I encourage you to get out more...if you already haven't. Asides from Jack and Matt, has your confidence improved along the years?
I think Matt was only that strict with you because he fears a lot that if those restrictions weren't there, you would've easily found someone to replace him. Matt's friend Katie might have just been another way for him to feel less invaluable than he makes himself think. I don't think you should be with Matt because he was being selfish. I think that the reason he mostly wanted you to love him is because you made him feel less worthless and the only reason why he would care about how you feel is if it would risk you leaving him. I don't think he cared if he was being restrictive of you, I think he only cared about you for his own ego's sake so he won't feel so worthless. Joining the navy is his way of feeling too sorry for himself and he is exaggerating the situation. I think he needs a lot help, before he does something horrible to himself or to others.
For Jack, it's only been 5 months, and 5 months is not much to evaluate from in my opinion....so I suppose you could give that relationship more time, but I advice you to not get too attached. I am hoping your relationship with Matt would have taught, if you already didn't learn it, that True love is when you and the other love the other person enough, that you'd be willing to let them go, because their happiness is more valuable to you than yours. (This is the hardest thing about relationships, but I feel is the main thing that distinguishes loving someone vs selfish love.)
Hope I didn't sound confusing and all, I'd be more than willing to clear up any confusions XD.
TheKrissyJHFeatured By OwnerFeb 11, 2013Student Traditional Artist
My confidence has and gets worse with time.
and no confusion. I understood everything. You've been very very helpful. Thanks for reading it and giving me this great advice. I appreciate it. I'm also glad to see you said Matt has a problem and not me.
I don't think you have much of a problem because you haven't done anything that might suggest you need help...I think...right now, I think how you're doing is like, normal girl behavior. Also, you're seeking some help already by venting out your problems, and that's great!
If your relationship with Jack doesn't work out, I strongly recommend not getting into a relationship for a while...because I think that would give you time to set your standards of a guy so that hopefully you'll find someone you'll be really happy with. Do stuff you love, good luck! And welcome! Glad to help (I have sort of experienced getting really depressed over a guy, but then concluded to just...kicking him out of my life...really hard.....and now I am so much better XD)
"Things would always pretty much remain perfect for us for 1.5 years of the actual relationship part. Then he started doubting things. I was too pretty for him. Too smart. I could have anyone I wanted, but I chose him; he couldn't understand. He would get into these fits where he'd end us, and I pleaded with him not to. We were right for each other. I couldn't let him go. He deserved me, in fact I wasn't good enough for him. He'd always give in to me, and wind up not ending it.
These fits would start becoming more and more frequent. I'd always talk him out of it. But I'd start to have to give up things in order to keep him with me. He loved me without a doubt, he just doubted himself way too much. First I had to always tell him what I was doing, and what happened through my day. That's fine. Then he'd tell me what I could and could't do. I couldn't have a dA, so I deleted it. I couldn't have a Youtube account, so I deleted it. I could talk to guys, but I couldn't have guy friends. Soon I couldn't talk to guys either.I couldn't have guy friends on facebook, so I had to delete that too. It was becoming more and more ridiculous."
That bullshit right there is your problem. Your imaginary version of this guy tricked you into ignoring the reality: You're desperate for a jerk. It's a fairy tale and there is no happy ending.
"When he'd set restrictions on me, I'd set similar ones on him."
That's a real fucked up relationship when you are setting restrictions on one another. Yeah, that just screams 'love'.
"I love Matt. I want him back. Matt won't give me the time of day now."
You think you love someone who has no respect for you and now you want to beg that person back into your life? That's horrible.
"Should I leave Jack? Should I stay with him? I hate hurting people. Should I beg Matt for another chance.
Yes. Leave Jack. You're no good to anyone until you get your head fixed. Jack deserves better. Begging Matt is stupid. It's beyond stupid. The reality of your relationship is far from the imgainary one you feel butterflies for.
"I miss feeling important. I'm so confused."
If you're not important to yourself you'll never be important to anyone else. You need to not be in relationships until you get help. You're not confused, you're impulsive, you make bad decisions and you continually ignore every warning sign that pops up in your face. That's the problem.
Honestly, I think you have mental problems. If this story is real, or even semi-real... You need help. You have issues with yourself and you have issues with seperating daydreams from reality. Love is not setting restrictions on people, it's not sitting on your ass why you're being cheated on wishing on better times, it's not cutting, it's not begging, it's not being subjectyed to constant disrespect.
You really need to see a professional or a support group or a battered woman's program. You're a mess and nothing is going to change or get better for you until you address the problems in your head.
From the way you're telling it, Matt sounds like a pretty despicable excuse for a human being. A relationship is supposed to be two people able to love and trust each other, not one person constantly emotionally manipulating, controlling, and lying to the other. He made you delete your DA? Your youtube? Your facebook? He wouldn't let you be friends with other guys or even talk to other guys? That's absolutely psychotic and abusive. A healthy relationship is NOT supposed to be like that, so be glad things ended when they did. Instead of looking behind your back, look forward.
As for Jack, it sounds like you're not really happy with him either. If it's something you think you can work out, talk to him about it, but if you're just being with him for the sake of having a relationship, that's the wrong reason to be with someone.
I've learned throughout life that before you can really be happy in a relationship, you need to be happy with yourself first. Instead of looking for the butterfly feeling through someone else, find out what you can do to give yourself butterflies. What are your interests? Your goals for the future? Your hobbies? Join some after school clubs or take some classes outside of school that reflect these interests. Do volunteer work. go on walks. Visit museums, art galleries, theaters, anything. You'll find that the more you focus on you and what makes you happy, the less you'll stop thinking of finding happiness through other people.
Do you want to get better or not? Depression is an illness just like the flu. You have to treat it, even if the process sucks to go through. Trust me, counselors see cases like yours and 100x worse every single day.
At first, I wasn't going to read this because sometimes I feel a bit selfish but this...I felt the desperation in "(Long, But Please Read)" and so I did read this. The entire thing. I've dealt with similar fucked up situations before. Restrictions, controlling and manipulative people, messy relationships, etc.