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February 8, 2013
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Hopeless, Depressed, Breaking, Need Advice (Long, But Please Read)

:iconthekrissyjh:
TheKrissyJH Featured By Owner Feb 8, 2013  Student Traditional Artist
So as I was going through school I was being bullied and made fun of. I felt like I didn't fit in anywhere. I got severely into MMORPGs because there I could be someone else, and have the friends that I didn't. I would spend so much of my time playing them because they made me happy. This was about 5-6 years.
On one game I had developed a very strong friendship with a person we'll name, Matt. I'd play that game every day for hours on end just to talk to Matt about anything and everything. Eventually we both grew, and started to move pass the game, but we'd talk on an Instant Messenger. Our feelings grew immensely and he left his girlfriend for me and we tried out the whole online dating.
The start of our relationship started out pretty rocky. He had loved his ex a lot and he kept breaking us off for periodic amounts of time to get over her. Matt felt it wasn't right to be with me when he still had feelings for her. We stayed friends and I understood what he needed. Soon we started dating again. Things were great. They were more than great. Even though my real life was pretty bad, he always managed to make me feel better.
I loved him. I knew I had loved him. I'd never felt the feelings he gave me like the butterflies, not only in my stomach, but in my chest. No matter how many miles he was away from me, I could feel his love penetrate into me. When I'd talk to him through IMs or on the phone, everything could fall right into place, and my world stopped.
Things would always pretty much remain perfect for us for 1.5 years of the actual relationship part. Then he started doubting things. I was too pretty for him. Too smart. I could have anyone I wanted, but I chose him; he couldn't understand. He would get into these fits where he'd end us, and I pleaded with him not to. We were right for each other. I couldn't let him go. He deserved me, in fact I wasn't good enough for him. He'd always give in to me, and wind up not ending it.
These fits would start becoming more and more frequent. I'd always talk him out of it. But I'd start to have to give up things in order to keep him with me. He loved me without a doubt, he just doubted himself way too much. First I had to always tell him what I was doing, and what happened through my day. That's fine. Then he'd tell me what I could and could't do. I couldn't have a dA, so I deleted it. I couldn't have a Youtube account, so I deleted it. I could talk to guys, but I couldn't have guy friends. Soon I couldn't talk to guys either.I couldn't have guy friends on facebook, so I had to delete that too. It was becoming more and more ridiculous.
We talked of our future: our home, kids & names, old-age. We were committed to each other. That's what you do when you love someone. I loved him, so I'd give up anything for him. Then I found out about Katie. That was Matt's BEST GIRL friend he'd always talk to. I hadn't heard anything of this Katie during 3.5 years of being with him. When he'd set restrictions on me, I'd set similar ones on him. I became very jealous and overprotective. Things didn't fly with this Katie character. I was so mad at him and how he didn't tell me about her before. I told him everything with that bitch had to stop. No byes either.
He listened to me, but I found out not for long. He'd talk to her over our IM site, Skype, and Facebook. So, I made him give me his facebook password. We were both logged on to his and she messaged him. She had no idea my eyes were reading their conversation. When she called him my special nickname I was infuriated. I let it go and waited to see how stupid the bitch could be. She called him it again and I blew up calling her so many bad names. He'd try to cover it like someone else in his room was doing it. He told her to ignore it.
I reactivated my facebook and sent her a message. I told her to stay away from my boyfriend or else. She refused. let's just say there were many mishaps with Katie. They effected me in the worse possible way. I couldn't stand her. I hated her with a passion that I couldn't let go, and still can't. It finally resulted into me cutting myself to let out the anger of them both. Yet, he still kept his heavy restrictions on me, but didn't listen to that little one.
As his restrictions got more and more absurd, the love for him I had slowly numbed. Between him and Katie and his restrictions that were almost impossible, I had to completely blank out my emotions. When the Katie mishaps slowed, I tried to feel the love I had for him again. I couldn't find it. For months, I just felt nothing, and if it wasn't nothing, it was anger. This past summer I found out I couldn't be with him anymore.
When school started up again there was this guy named... Jack in my theatre class. When I saw him, it was the first time I felt attraction again. When I found out that Jack had feelings for me, I left Matt. He begged me not to go. Matt said he'd do anything. He was so tempted he almost drove all these miles to make me change my mind. I told him I couldn't do the relationship anymore. It hurt me too much. He still begged me not to leave. I had to tell him about Jack to make him back off. I hated to do it. I really did. I never wanted to hurt him.
Jack and I have been together for 5 months now, filled with problems. Jack tells me he loves me. I don't feel it though. I love Matt. I want him back. Matt won't give me the time of day now. I actually found out he's joining the Navy. If I stayed with Jack my life would be simpler because of the fact he's white, and Matt is colored, which my parents are strongly against. I think Jack has good intentions, he just doesn't think sometimes, and winds up hurting me. Matt went back to talking to Katie. I cry over Matt all the time, now being one of the times. Should I leave Jack? Should I stay with him? I hate hurting people. Should I beg Matt for another chance. I miss feeling the butterflies. I miss feeling important. I feel so hopeless. I feel useless. I have no motivation. I'm about to start cutting again. I'm so confused.
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:iconstarlit-sorceress:
Starlit-Sorceress Featured By Owner Feb 17, 2013  Professional Artisan Crafter
You were a teenager when you met Matt, right? You said you met him on MMORPGs, and you played those because you didn't fit in anywhere else.

It sounds like the butterflies didn't come from Matt. You were young, and here was this person who comes from the game! The game that makes you happy and fit in. It sounds like the butterflies came from obsession.

Try to separate Matt from the game in your memories. From what you say about him as a person, he sounds like a jerk who doesn't deserve you. Telling you not to talk to people or have social media accounts is WRONG. It's something nobody should ever tell a boyfriend/girlfriend to do EVER.

I don't know how Jack "hurts" you. He might be a jerk too. Or you're just not over Matt.
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:iconthekrissyjh:
TheKrissyJH Featured By Owner Feb 18, 2013  Student Traditional Artist
Thanks dear. You may be right.
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:icongenerallulz:
GeNeRaLLuLz Featured By Owner Feb 16, 2013
Go get help
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:iconxalxyz:
xAlxyz Featured By Owner Feb 13, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Upon reading the little history in the first paragraphs, I could identify myself in them. But at the lecture's end, I'm just thinking we're totally different.
I, too, found solace into video games after perpetual bullying in middle school, and I also started an online relationship. But I was 15 back then. At 16, I suddenly kicked myself in the ass for actually doing the "online dating" with some guy who claimed to understand me and stuff while chatting in-game and on the net. Therefore, I broke up with him (though we never were really "together", so I'm not even sure if I'm supposed to call it a break up at all)
What your relation to this Matt character was made of was a bunch of constant abuse towards eachother. Yes, limitations like that are actually an abuse of trust meant to make up for the sense of insecurity you both had.
I'd say you'll better break up with Jack and get OVER Matt as well. You need some "me time" to sort out your real priorities. You must stay single for a while, because you are clearly incapable of handling yourself when it comes to being in a relationship.

I told you to break up with Jack because you are uninterested in him, and because you'll eventually hurt him. Worse case scenario is you two hurting eachother and going through shit all over again.
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:iconsignsofortune:
signsofortune Featured By Owner Feb 13, 2013
#1. your relationship with Matt sucked. forget that and screw it.

When one is weak, they fall for things. you were in a moment of weakness in your life and you fell for something. It's happened to me too.

I have no advice pertaining to Jack. You haven't described enough about him in OP for me to give certain advice.

but it seems certain that your feelings for Matt? those are merely circuits in your head that have been patterned to move in a particular way. Like an addiction, your relationship with him is destructive, unhelpful and unhealthy, and even led you to self-harm. push him far away from your life and keep him away.

I had the exact same experience. spending time around such a person leads you into a vortex of low self-esteem.
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:iconthekrissyjh:
TheKrissyJH Featured By Owner Feb 15, 2013  Student Traditional Artist
Thank you.
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:iconlightning-13:
lightning-13 Featured By Owner Feb 12, 2013  Student General Artist
Let me just say, I am in a similar situation, and I cOMPLETELY understand you. Through your whole letter I could see myself right into the same shit, felt like you were kinda telling my story haha. I'm sorry I can't tell you what is the right thing to do, I'm in a similar situation myself and have been trying so hard to make things work between us, for years, and he is being the same to me, but thing is, I know his problem.. he studied abroad for 6 years, so we dealt with distance, and now he is back but he doesn't want a relationship, but rather freedom. Which I understand completely, but I'm the opposite direction, I need to build up my life, I can't go on like this. But every time we try to break up to do what we want, we end up regretting it. Still he refuses to be in a relationship with me, and controls what I do, with whom I speak to, he gets mad when I send heart to friends, even though my friends send me hearts all the time, we've been friends like forever and it doesn't bother us. On the other hand, he sends hearts to friends of his, to the opposite sex, and I'm supposed to not get bothered. You see what I mean? and then he comes along with songs, telling me how much he has endured for us and that I only make him sad blablabla. I know he doesn't understand how I see things, he thinks he does nothing wrong. I feel like I'm in a neverending nightmare, I choose to stay with him even if he has hurt me like hell, because leaving him feels worse, and I can't handle it. Start to cry, can't sleep, can't eat.. I try to have patience, to give him time..

I don't know about your case, but to be with someone while thinking about someone else, isn't that hard? unfair? Maybe you should talk more, about your problems. And yes your love for him is unconditional, you give everything, honestly I did the same, and sometimes I tell myself I should have given more, that it wasn't enough. Those 6 years he was away, I saw many 'Katies' coming down my road, and I still do, it hasn't ended yet. They made my life a living hell, I didn't know how to make it through. Not only girls, but the distance itself, no time, no communication, I have no idea how we still are in one piece, no idea how we still can have such huge attraction to each other, and still want it to work so badly. When I see him, I don't see his wrongs, I don't care about every lie he said to me, I don't care what he did behind my back, I just want to be with him, he makes me happy just by being with me... it sounds horrible haha but it is like that.. and it seems to me that he doesn't care about my lies either, he has forgiven me for everything. But I also think about myself more, because I never got to be happy, I never got to enjoy us being together, my happiness was always taken away from me, I suffered all the time, and this process broke me into smithereens. I become depressed, I think about all the time I lost, all my mistakes, everything I could have had, every tear I shed, all nights I couldn't sleep, how I lost weight... the list is long. I just want you to be satisfied with your choice. If your heart truly loves Matt, beg for forgiveness, try again. In the end, people say that you must be happy, sure, but love also means you will become hurt. I've heard so many things about love, two things that I always think about.

1. a life without love is meaningless, it's like you haven't lived at all
2. when you want something so badly, don't give up, no matter how hard it is or how hopeless it may seem, because in 10 years from now, you will wanna give it one more shot.

Many people around me tell me to leave him, and I am constantly getting into quarrels, I hate it, but I love him so much that I feel like, if I lose him just because somebody else wants it, I will kill them all, I know it sounds dramatic, but it's not rarely you hear something similar about someone who loves. You won't be happy with Jack when your mind is on Matt, and don't let your family choose whom you should be with. It's your choice and yours only, you are not going to live the life they want, but your own. This is your story, it goes the way you want. I've regretted a lot with this guy, for years, and wish I had a second chance to put things right.

Hope I was of some help, feel free to contact me through a note or something ^^ if you want to talk more. Best of luck!
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:iconthekrissyjh:
TheKrissyJH Featured By Owner Feb 15, 2013  Student Traditional Artist
You've been the only one to tell me to try again with Matt. It's been 6 months, and I always think about him. I think about all the "what ifs" and the plans we had for our future. I think about what if we actually had our relationship move onto being real and physical. And what if after that happened and some sort of accident happened and he died? I think I'd become the craziest widow ever. I'd probably sleep in his clothes (and if he was cremated, sleep with his urn.) I'd listen to old voicemails of his that he left. I feel like I'll never be able to move on.
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:iconlightning-13:
lightning-13 Featured By Owner Feb 16, 2013  Student General Artist
Well, those 'what ifs' aren't going to make your life easier, life is full of events for you to experience, not sit and think 'what if this happens, what if that happens...' I thought the same back then, not exactly your thoughts but I was just wondering if I someday was going to end up regretting giving him everything and that I would find someone better. But I didn't, and I'm still stuck with him, and I only regret the fact that I thought that way. I know I'm the only one to tell you to stay, and I'm guessing it is because I'm probably the only one with the best matching experience (what one has never experienced, one will never understand in print), people are always like that, they will tell you to move on, the easiest thing to do. I do agree with others that have told you that you should do things that you like and evolve your skills etc, it's good and healthy for you. Here is one question for you. What if, you let him go and you regret it afterwards? you start thinking, damn, I knew I loved him and wanted only him, yet I let him go, I should have fought harder for us. I've seen so many versions and examples of the same tragedy, it's surely one of the reasons I so badly try to have patience. And not only that, I don't regret our story, because I've learned a lot, you learn more under bad circumstances, when you fail. Even if you do mistakes, see it as experience. Life is not only about flowers and fairies, you are not a game-show host to smile every day. If you think that you can move on without regretting it then go for it. But if it goes some time, even years, and you look back at it, asking yourself why you did so, because you wanted to be happy, and couldn't have been more patient, then you are probably going to judge everybody who told you to move on. That's why, actually, my advice at this point would be that you follow your heart, even if something goes bad, you will only have yourself to blame.
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:icongenerallulz:
GeNeRaLLuLz Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2013
Move on, that shit isn't for you. Find someone else and move on
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