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February 4, 2013
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Breakup Help Thread, YAY.

:iconikiska:
iKiska Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2013  Student General Artist
First things first, this is written on behalf of a friend in a kind of shitty situation, and since I’ve never been in a situation like this and am thus of no help, I offered to write a thread about it and have you lovely denizens of the internet offer any advice possible, because she’s shitting kind of herself and I don’t know what else to do to help. :dummy:

Some background: last year, she (we’ll call her Moth) met a boy who frequented our university flat (we’ll call him Shorty) and things hit off pretty quickly. Shorty fell quickly in love with her and always wanted to be with her; she, however, was trying to get over a previous boyfriend and tried to keep things just as friends between her and Shorty. Things escalated, as Shorty was not about to give up, and although Moth was having doubts, she started to grow to love him, although her doubts about starting a new relationship with him were enough that she avoided the subject as much as possible.

As Shorty doubled and tripled his efforts to get Moth to agree to go out with him, Moth finally accepted boy- and girl-friendship with him, if I remember correctly, sometime last summer. Things were fine for a while: we all returned to university in the fall, and things seemed good with them. All the normal relationshippy things, and on the surface their relationship looked perfect. In fact, as Shorty is SO well-liked in our friend-group, whenever Moth had a complaint, people automatically jumped to Shorty’s side and refused to believe that he’d ever say or do something bad.

Problem is, he’s getting to be kind of crazy, of late. Well, I say “of late,” but vent sessions with Moth reveal that things like this have been occurring on and off since quite possibly last year. Shorty is extremely possessive, refuses to let Moth have her own private life or outside friends (sharing a friend group doesn’t help) and complaining and throwing outright tantrums when Moth won’t come to his beck and call to spend time with him. It has gotten to a point where he will pester Moth endlessly, even at two in the morning, to come over to his house because he’s lonely or depressed.

He’s also very childish and spoiled rotten: not only does he demand he gets his way when it comes to Moth, but if she tries to stand up for herself, he throws massive fits. He throws massive fits anyway. Apparently a few weeks ago he couldn’t find his camera charger or something and reacted in the most rational way a person could: he tore his room apart, threw chairs around, punched walls and shouted.

Anyway, a bunch of these types of “little” things would always happen, and Moth more or less did what she could to get by. However, a few nights ago, they went out with a group of our friends for a birthday and Shorty almost got in a fight with somebody over some little thing. After Moth pulled them apart and took Shorty home, shit hit the proverbial fan.

This is where it gets to be worrying. Well, even more worrying. Once at home, Shorty destroyed his room again, throwing his and Moth’s things around and breaking a lot of stuff, was shouting and screaming and punching walls and overall being terrifying. Moth, who sometimes suffers panic attacks, began suffering a panic attack and tried to leave to go back to her house. In response, Shorty grabbed her and threw her onto the bed, preventing her from getting up, all while she was sobbing and hyperventilating and both of them were screaming.

According to her, he didn’t “hurt” her like punching, kicking or slapping, but being thrown onto the bed hurt, not to mention he shouldn’t be fucking doing things like that in the first place. He started saying things like how he “lost a lot of respect for her” and calling her a “fucking bitch” and saying he hates her, basically demeaning her and being angry because she had begun to have a panic attack that he fucking caused in the first place. In the end I don’t know quite how things turned out for that night, but needless to say, she’s not sure she can keep it up for much longer with him.

Therein lies the problem though. Even if Moth can get past the guilt-tripping and emotional blackmail which Shorty does so often, Shorty is VERY well-liked in our friend group. He’s popular, funny, sweet, intelligent and gentlemanly to everyone, because apparently how people view him is very important and he’ll do anything to get people to like him. Moth is afraid that even if she does work up the courage to end it with him, he’ll destroy her in everybody’s eyes and make her out to be the bad guy when in reality he’s pretty much sabotaging the relationship himself with his possessiveness and tantrums. While it’s all well and good to say that the “true friends” will stay with her and not to worry about anyone who won’t hear her side of the story, she’s still worried, understandably enough.

She doesn’t quite know what to do (although right now it seems like breaking it off with him is the only option), how to go about it, how to deal with his guilt-tripping and tantrums, and how to deal with the aftermath which will no doubt be painful and awkward, as we all have the same friend group and while about 20-25% of us would either be on her side or at least give her side a listen, the remaining people would likely stick with Shorty and vilify Moth. So basically, help.

Fuck shit this is long.

TL;DR: A friend needs advice on how best to handle a break-up and the aftermath of said break-up. I know it’s a novel, but you’ll need the information given in the thread in order to give proper advice.
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Devious Comments

:iconalevkov:
alevkov Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2013  Professional Digital Artist
She sounds like a Angel.






Fucking Bitch!
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:iconx666nightmare666x:
x666NiGhTmArE666x Featured By Owner Feb 8, 2013
Don't let her be alone with him. I'm afraid he'll do something more than just throw her on the bed. I would be with her when she breaks up with him as well. It would probably help to talk to him, and maybe there's a school therapist/regular therapist so he can talk to them.
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:iconjonas-lightfoot:
Jonas-Lightfoot Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2013
Phones are a wonderful thing. It sounds like moth needs time to work up the courage to break up with Shorty. She can record a couple of the tantrums without him knowing -even voice recording while the phone is in her pocket would work. Then, when she's ready to break up with him, she needs to get all of her stuff away from him and go to everyone one-on-one and explain things, with proof that she's telling the truth. The important thing here is that she does NOT offer ultimatums, because then she will lose everyone as friends.

If she explains something along the lines of "Me and Shorty are breaking up, and I'm not going to make you choose who to be friends with. I just want you to know my side, because I'm scared that I'll loose you as a friend, and I don't want that to happen." Then explain the story with the evidence.

Also: She needs to make sure she has copies of the evidence. Preferably with a copy on your stuff that Shorty doesn't know about. That way if he tries to throw a tantrum and damage the phone, it won't destroy the evidence. This might sound like paranoia, but you never know with guys like that.
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:iconxannijn:
Xannijn Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2013  Student Filmographer
If I believed that therapists can actually fix this guy, I'd say he needs therapy. I quite literally mean FIX HIM because there's something wrong with his venting. My partner tends to vent in a similar way sometimes, to the extend of say, throwing his cellphone to the floor. It's not healthy, but it's not punching walls and doors for the drop of a hat either. That's bloody teenage behavior.

It's been said here before: she must break up with him. Some men just tend to vent that way, but if my partner would ever throw ME instead of whatever of his own things he has near him, it'd be over in a heartbeat. I love him very much but that's just how it is. Even if it's happened only once, it's only likely to happen again later.
It might be painful for her to do so, even though he's obviously an ass, she might still love him. But it is as it is: this is for the sake of her own life. And later she will thank herself for ending this.


If she's worried about his reaction - which we all are at this point, I think :noes: - she could start by very slowly taking her belongings away from his place. But chances are that he'll notice this. It's better that she gets some help from you and other friends to get it all out there in one trip, then break the news, possibly with you and other friends by her side. (Assuming he's only such a violent ass when they're alone together. If he loses it then, at least she won't be unprotected and others can see what kind of a guy he truly is.)



And honestly? Losing some friends over this isn't a big deal. In fact, if they can't support her for leaving an abusive partner, they're hardly friends at all.
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:iconikiska:
iKiska Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2013  Student General Artist
She said she's already slowly removing her belongings from his house and returning them to hers, bit by bit, and has been doing this since (I think) before the most recent "big" incident. At least it's a start.

I'm definitely going to suggest having SOMEone around when it happens -- at least somewhere else in the house so that if shit starts to fly, they can hear it and help her remove herself from the situation. Hopefully it'll all go well, or as well as it possibly can.
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:iconjessaflux:
JessaFlux Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2013   Photographer
Lesson learned- when you are not over or through with a previous relationship, don't rebound into another. Things do not usually end up well and your choices are usually clouded by wanting to move on in your life too quickly. Sometimes you just need time to heal before you can move on.
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:iconikiska:
iKiska Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2013  Student General Artist
She did wait quite a while (I suppose, I guess I really wouldn't know what a "good" amount of time between relationships is) before jumping over to Shorty -- about a year, to be fair. Perhaps it still wasn't enough time. :shrug:
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:iconbetween-winds:
Between-Winds Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2013
First thing's first. She needs to cut contact and she needs to cut it now. There is absolutely no question at all as to whether or not she should break up with him. He has shown himself to be violent, manipulative, destructive, and possessive. It will only get worse.

When she breaks up with him, she must NOT be alone. He will react poorly. Make sure you are with her or nearby. She must not break up with him in private, it must be in a place where there are MANY people. If it is in private, he may react violently and two or three people might not be able to control the situation. Furthermore, in public, he cannot prevent her from leaving and if he chooses to follow or harass her, there will be help nearby.

Contact must be completely broken. If he is as persistent as you say, he will cause problems afterwards. If necessary, she can file a restraining order against him. This may mean giving up some friends, but if he is as batshit insane as you make him out to be, they'd have to be crazy not to see through him eventually, particularly after the breakup.

I know Shorty is a friend of yours and you feel like you should defend him a bit, but that behaviour is completely out of line and there is no need to protect him. He's abusive, plain and simple, and people defending him only enable that behaviour. Please support your friend and let him be. He deserves no sympathy and had it coming.
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:iconikiska:
iKiska Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2013  Student General Artist
I'm glad to get opinions on whether or not other people should be around for the break-up, at least in the vicinity -- I was worried that if she did it privately shit might go down, so I'm happy that other people are agreeing that it should be done with some back-up around to help cool things off or get her out of there.

I do admit it feels a bit... not mean, but weird I guess, to be vilifying Shorty, but believe me when I say I do know that his behavior is completely wrong and that I need to stand by Moth during this. :salute:
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:iconjonas-lightfoot:
Jonas-Lightfoot Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2013
Glad to hear it.
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:icondomitar:
domitar Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
She needs to run, and run fast. Also have her record everything. If there are still bruises from her being thrown on the bed, she needs to photograph them. It's always better to have too much evidence instead of too little. If he throws tantrums, I would just have her clear her stuff out when he's not there (if they currently live together) and break up from afar, if she needs temporary shelter, have her check into the local battered women's shelter. I would also think she should go to a therapist for both her anxiety, and to help her heal from any emotional abuse. It seems from the story you tell she was forced into this relationship, and there could be some serious retribution from Shorty either physical or psychological, and she needs a professional support system to help her weather that.
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:iconikiska:
iKiska Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2013  Student General Artist
I don't know if she has any bruises, since as far as I know all he did was push her down onto the bed and hold her still, but I have definitely warned her that even if she wasn't "really" hurt this time, he will likely begin to treat her worse. :no:

Sadly there was a bit of force behind this relationship... Everyone loved Shorty and, for a long time, a lot of people disliked her because they thought she was using him when really she was trying to get over her past relationship while coming to terms with Shorty being right there all the time. I think she did love him, but she admits that she felt that she had to be with him because of all that.

I think she's already slowly clearing her stuff out of his house, fortunately(she was staying with him a lot but does have her own place).
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:iconatlantech:
Atlantech Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
she needs to dump that piece of shit ASAP. He is putting her through emotional abuse which is just as bad as physical abuse. Not to mention that he is controlling and she doesn't need that in her life. Tell her to dump him and get a restraining order if necessary.
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:iconikiska:
iKiska Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2013  Student General Artist
She definitely plans on doing it soon, since she wants it done before Valentine's day, for obvious reasons. :bucktooth: Luckily she does realize that this type of treatment is abuse, since I think for a long time she thought it'd just be easier to try to deal with it... I hope things go well for her.
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:iconbagendshire:
BagEndShire Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2013
I dated a guy very similar to this a couple years ago, and I did not break up with him properly. I saw him in person and I tried to calmly explain my reasoning, and he held me hostage in his dorm where he harassed and terrorized me for like two hours until his roommate got home and was kind enough to help me leave. He then proceeded to call me like three times a day to rant and rave and I let him because it seemed like the "fair" and "gentle" thing to do. Wrong, wrong, wrong. I would say that while your friend wanting to have a conversation is normal and polite, it's also entirely unnecessary.

If she's not happy, she can break up with him however she wants (even if he was as sweet and charming to her as he is to everyone else). And if he's the type to berate and scare her into a panic attack, I'd suggest dumping him over the phone in as few words as possible. All she needs to say is, "I'm not happy in this relationship anymore, so I'm out." The end, and cut ALL contact with this person (I wish I'd done this). It's rough and the shared friends will think her mean for it, but the harsh reality is that this guy will make them hate her regardless of how delicately she tries to end things, so she might as well be as abrupt as she can be. What will happen later is many of these same friends will start to notice that he's acting weird about things and they'll start to figure things out. She won't have them all back, but I think in time it will surprise her to see how many of them will come around and apologize for being dismissive.

But seriously. If she insists on breaking up in person, she cannot do it in a private setting. I know doing that stuff over dinner or in the park is not super classy, but she needs to think of her own safety first and foremost. I still think over the phone is best, so she can hang up whenever he gets too nasty.
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:iconikiska:
iKiska Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2013  Student General Artist
Thanks for the advice on how to do the breaking up -- she definitely knows she needs to do it (and soon), but the "how" is the difficult part. I'm sorry to hear that your experience was so awful -- Jesus, some people are crazy, and thank fuck someone had come to help get you out of there. :stare:

I think she will want to do it in person (I assume so anyway) but I'll definitely suggest that she does it with other housemates at least somewhere in the vicinity... someone hopefully a little reliable than the one who apparently heard her and Shorty's throw-down and decided to ignore it. :| Perhaps I'll ask if she wants me around for it, at least downstairs or something in case she needs someone to get her out of there. :hug:
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:iconjonas-lightfoot:
Jonas-Lightfoot Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2013
Double what ~BagEndShire said
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:iconbagendshire:
BagEndShire Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2013
The thing is, this guy hounded her into a relationship and has been a shitty guy to her ever since. She does not owe him an in-person break up. I know that sounds like the right thing to do, but it actually puts him at the advantage to scare her back into it or beg and plead with her.

I really do understand her sentiment, but as someone who's been there before, it's not worth it. This guy has not respected her in this relationship like he should have, so she's totally entitled to serving up a cold and abrupt breakup. I was terrified when I went through it--I thought he'd hurt me or possibly even rape me at some point, and I would not wish it on anybody. And if she's prone to panic attacks, she'll be putting herself in an even more vulnerable position. It's her choice, but I'd try talking her out of it for sure.

Whatever route she chooses, I hope she comes out of it okay and does well. Wish her luck for me.
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:iconebolabears:
EbolaBears Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2013
Moth needs to kick Shorty to the side and dump anyone in the social circle that chooses to side with a possessive moron.

Moth's goals in school are to be educated and maybe even graduate, so she should be too busy to
worry about Shorty.

Moth should secretly record Shorty's outbursts and 'asshole' sessions and then show them to people if she needs to.

Also, since there is abuse involved, why hasn't Moth called school security or the police?
That should be one of the things she does the next time he throws a tantrum. As soon as the asshole starts throwing things she needs to leave the room and call for help. If he tries to stop her that is even more reason to get out by any means possible and then call for help.

Moth also needs a new place to live.
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:iconikiska:
iKiska Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2013  Student General Artist
I think the main reason she didn't think to contact any school security is that the house this took place in is off-campus, in town. As for the police, I really wish someone would have called -- I don't think she would have wanted to bring the police into it, but apparently she had a witness in one of the housemates who was in the house during this and decided to ignore it. What. (Although, knowing the witness in question, I'm not surprised she thought it best to leave them to their devices.)

Luckily she does have her own place and only has a lot of her stuff at his because she didn't like her current student accommodation, but at least she does have a place, and if worst comes to worst she could even move up to one of the on-campus places. :nod:
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:iconjonas-lightfoot:
Jonas-Lightfoot Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2013
That sounds like a very good idea.
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:iconravynnenevyrmore:
RavynneNevyrmore Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2013  Student Digital Artist
I've known a few guys who are pretty similar to Shorty. Not so much on the physical abuse and unbridled crazy, but in terms of being very bad, selfish, and manipulative guys who are looked upon favorably by the rest of the population.

Think about it: the reason why these guys' "image is very important to him and he loves to be loved by everyone" is for the alibi. The more people love him, the less likely they are to believe that he would ever treat people the way he treats them. The less likely girls like your friend Moth are to try to malign him.

Why do you still want to be friends with this person? What value could you possibly find in his friendship?
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:iconikiska:
iKiska Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2013  Student General Artist
I only hope that when everything goes down, people will at least listen to her side of it, or my telling of her side of it if possible. Luckily it seems like a few people aside from me are at least somewhat aware of how bad he can get -- it's a start, if anything.

As for me, I don't know, I think he's funny and when we all go out as a group he's nice to hang out with, but to be honest I don't even see him that often myself. :shrug:
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:iconravynnenevyrmore:
RavynneNevyrmore Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2013  Student Digital Artist
"As for me, I don't know, I think he's funny and when we all go out as a group he's nice to hang out with..."

Listen to what you're doing to your friend here. You think he's funny and nice? Do you think abuse is funny and nice, or do you believe your friend is a liar? Because it's got to be one of the two.
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:iconavenvia:
Avenvia Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2013  Student Writer
Sounds like you're a good friend to her, so even if not everyone's so loyal, she has you at least and I'm sure a few others.

Obviously she needs to break up with him. He sounds like a douche and her staying when she doesn't feel comfortable around him will only make her feel worse. I'd recommend that she does it in the most mature, calm way she possibly can - even if he throws a tantrum she should just leave - because then it gives people more reason to listen to her side of the story if she's the one acting good and he's not. Aside from that, if some friends ditch her without a moment's thought, it'll suck but it's not the sort of thing a wonderful friend would do anyway.
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:iconikiska:
iKiska Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2013  Student General Artist
I know she'd have me and a few others (at least), and more still if they are as mature as I think they are and would listen to both sides of the story. I suppose we'll have to just wait and see on that one.

Sitting down with him and explaining the situation as calmly and maturely as possible is definite, although she's still freaking out a bit because she wants to do it before Valentine's day (as he wants to do something big with her that day and she doesn't want too much time to elapse between his most recent tantrum and her breaking up with him anyway) and the fact that this suddenly has a deadline is really stressing her out... She's halfway considering writing down what she wants to say or something, just so she can be sure that everything she wants to say will be said.

It's nearly definite that he'll try to guilt-trip her or, worse, throw a fit, but hopefully she can be strong and be the "bigger person" so to speak and just remove herself from the situation. It'll be healthiest for her, anyway. She's dealt with this for long enough.
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:iconavenvia:
Avenvia Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2013  Student Writer
I recently went through a break up and found out that some friends I knew from school weren't actually great friends after all. It hurt nearly as much as the break up, since I realised that these people who I once considered my closest friends didn't care all that much about me compared to my (now ex) partner. So I guess I'm saying I know how it feels to lose friends like that, but I also know they're not really worth the effort if they act that way.

She has just over a week, but the sooner the better really. I'd say that writing down a list of the general points is a good idea. Though if he's going to try to manipulate her, she should try to keep it succint to give him less material to argue with, as it were. He only really needs to know the basics. If he gets too bad for her, she can just say that she feels there's nothing else to add and leave before it gets heated.
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:iconikiska:
iKiska Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2013  Student General Artist
Indeed -- losing people who you considered to be close friends is terrible (I've had to go through something like that as well), but I guess all you can do is just remind yourself that they weren't "real" friends to begin with. It'll still sting though, if that happens. :no:

Yeah, I plan on emailing her the results of this thread in a moment to let her know everyone's opinions. I like the idea of having somewhat of a list of bullet points just to make sure she hits everything, but being short, sweet and to the point is a good idea as well. :hug:
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:iconjonas-lightfoot:
Jonas-Lightfoot Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2013
Very true. Just make sure she isn't along with him when they break up. *hug*
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:iconcherylblanche:
CherylBlanche Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2013
I think she shouldn't be left alone with him when she does it, it won't end well.
Even if it means watching from afar, don't leave her alone with him.
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:iconthegroovymurphy:
TheGroovyMurphy Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Obvious answer is obvious. Cut contact with him.

I'll be the devil's advocate for a second here and ask you: do you have proof of him doing that? Is there a chance that your friend is making that up for some reason?
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:iconikiska:
iKiska Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2013  Student General Artist
I suppose it's obvious to us, but I thought I'd write this for her to get any extra advice if possible.

For the most part a lot of people did think she was making it up because Shorty doesn't seem like the type of person to be so violent, but for the most recent incident of a few days ago, there were some other witnesses from our friend group, these being some of the ones who previously didn't believe her and are now agreeing that she should break it off.

Although I myself haven't seen any "bad" incidents, there are plenty of red flags in his every-day personality that point to him being childish, spoiled and manipulative. He does a good job of hiding most of the bad points (like I said, his image is very important to him and he loves to be loved by everyone), but if you look for it, you can see a few "blips" in him that aren't very promising for a healthy relationship. :no:
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:iconjonas-lightfoot:
Jonas-Lightfoot Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2013
Good luck to all of you.
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:iconthegroovymurphy:
TheGroovyMurphy Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
The reason I asked is because I don't know either and second you probably will face similar questions from his friends.
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:iconsvataben:
Svataben Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
He is possessive, manipulative, destructive, and violent. Do you really need to know anything more?

Seriously, violent partners usually don't start out at max. Level, they do it like this guy: gradually getting worse.

He is dangerous. She needs to cut contact. (And if she loses a friend or two, at least she'll stay alive long enough to make new ones.)
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:iconikiska:
iKiska Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2013  Student General Artist
We've discussed this and although it all really sucks (hell, Shorty's my friend as well and I hate to think that he's shown himself to be so destructive), she does fortunately agree that breaking up is the best/only option.

I'm worried (and she's worried for this as well) that she'll be too afraid to break it off and will just avoid it until it happens again, and what if it happens worse next time? :ohnoes:

I plan on either giving her a link to this thread or just keeping her up to date on people's advice, so hopefully comments like this will help her realize that something needs to be done, and inevitably that "something" is a break-up. Unfortunately they're set to be living together in a house of five next year, but if it comes down to it I may take her place in the house so she won't be stuck in that kind of hell with him for a while 'nother year. :stare:
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:iconanaliasunknown:
AnAliasUnknown Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2013
Yeah, she probably should find a way to get out of that house situation thing :iconstaresplz:.

In terms of breaking it off, as much as it would be tempting to have her punch him in the face, it might be better in terms of "friendship politics" and avoiding a bad reaction from him if she does it gently. Something along the lines of "I just don't feel like this is working out, I want to go back to just being friends, etc." Or something like that. It might sound a bit two-faced, but if the friends' opinions are that important, it might be the best way.

Otherwise, she can just tell the friends to go fuck themselves and do it harshly, although it doesn't sound like she would be the kind of person who would do that.
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:iconikiska:
iKiska Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2013  Student General Artist
I'm sure her plan is definitely to do it gently -- as far as I know, she does care for him as a person and as someone she loved for a long time, and doesn't want to hurt him, but fortunately despite that she knows she needs to get out of this situation.

Anyway, I haven't heard from her since speaking to her yesterday, so it seems she hasn't broken it off yet. I'll have to contact her again tonight or tomorrow to see how things are going. :hug:
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:iconanaliasunknown:
AnAliasUnknown Featured By Owner Feb 8, 2013
Yeah, I'd urge her to get this over with as soon as possible. It's probably not healthy to keep dwelling on it.
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:iconsvataben:
Svataben Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Oh god... No!

She simply cannot live in the same hose with him. It isn't safe, not for her emotions, nor for her body. (Or her property.)
Would she move in with a violent criminal? No? Well, he is one. The things you've described are things you can get sentences for.
He destroyed her property in a fit of rage, and he hurt her physically, not to mention the emotional abuse.

Most violent criminals are ok to be around most of the time. Most aren't constantly beaming evil from every pore every second of the day. But they're still dangerous.
And he is one of them.
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:iconikiska:
iKiska Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2013  Student General Artist
Indeed, she's been dreading the thought of living with him since even before the latest incidents; I guess that's gut feelings for you. In the end she could always take a place at one of the university's accommodations, fortunately. Hopefully the actual break-up and immediate aftermath won't be too terrible... Although in light of how he's been behaving lately, I'm worried for how it'll go down.
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:iconsvataben:
Svataben Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Yeah, there'll probably be some drama. And sadly, his type tends to be good at making it seem like she's the bad one.
She might just lose a few friends. Good thing she has you. :hug:
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:iconikiska:
iKiska Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2013  Student General Artist
Well, she knows she will always have me to talk to, so no matter what happens at least there's that. I guess all I can do is be supportive as I can and hope things will turn out all right in the end... At least after it does all go down she will feel a huge wave of relief, I hope. She's been dealing with this for way too long.

:hug:
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:iconjonas-lightfoot:
Jonas-Lightfoot Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2013
Out of curiosity: since you both expect Shorty to start defaming Moth, are you willing to stand up for Moth and verify that you saw one of Shorty's fits? Or are you going to leave her to fend for herself?

I'm not expecting you to cause trouble, but things like this are extremely hard. Having a friend stand up for you when someone else is trying to make you feel like a piece of shit matters a lot. I've seen it be the difference in a decision to commit suicide or not, even.
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:iconsvataben:
Svataben Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Best of luck to both of you!
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:iconikiska:
iKiska Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2013  Student General Artist
Thanks so much :hug:
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:iconrawpoetry:
RawPoetry Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2013   Photographer
There should be no question at all about whether or not she should break up with him. I will never for the life of me understand women who feel the need to be with those men, or who delay ending things because they want to try to make it work. If someone treated me that way, his ass would be on the curb before he could blink.

People are all entitled to their opinions, if people think less of her after this then so be it, it is their right to think that. If they aren't willing to even ask her side of the story then they aren't good friends in the first place. Just continue to be polite and civil and friendly, because fostering more resentment just creates more and more negativity and solves nothing.

Best of luck to her!
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:iconikiska:
iKiska Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2013  Student General Artist
Breaking up with him isn't exactly the question anymore (although she does still love him I think, but she does seem to realize that she can't live like this anymore); the question is really how to do it. His constant guilt-tripping, tantrums and manipulation have made her more than a little afraid of moving forward and away.

Indeed, I've told her that people may take Shorty's side and begin to disregard her, and that those people wouldn't have been worth her time in the first place... but it's a shame that he has such an influence over our group of friends.

Either way, she at least isn't trying to cause negativity, as she's asked me not to change how I feel about Shorty -- which is good, because he is a friend of mine and it would be awkward if it came down to pitting friends against each other. So at least if one side of the argument is trying its best to remain friendly, hopefully things won't go as badly as she's afraid they might.

:hug:
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:iconjonas-lightfoot:
Jonas-Lightfoot Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2013
As far as how to do it, this is definitely a case of pulling her stuff out and cutting contact, with maybe a text or phonecall so she can NOT be alone with him. She will be in a bit of danger when she breaks up with him, though not more than if she stayed with him.

I'm going to REALLY hope that that last paragraph was just bad phrasing. I can understand being happy to not have an ultimatum, but you're basically saying that you think what Shorty is doing isn't that bad. That's EXTREMELY callous when talking about abuse.
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:iconcherylblanche:
CherylBlanche Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2013
Oh and for the record, it's one thing to avoid egging him on, or creating more of a situation than there has to be and therefore dding more on her plate, and another to imply she'd be an inconvenience for you if she were to ask you didn't have tea with her abuser.
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