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February 4, 2013


Replies: 51

Breakup Help Thread, YAY.

iKiska Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2013  Student General Artist
First things first, this is written on behalf of a friend in a kind of shitty situation, and since I’ve never been in a situation like this and am thus of no help, I offered to write a thread about it and have you lovely denizens of the internet offer any advice possible, because she’s shitting kind of herself and I don’t know what else to do to help. :dummy:

Some background: last year, she (we’ll call her Moth) met a boy who frequented our university flat (we’ll call him Shorty) and things hit off pretty quickly. Shorty fell quickly in love with her and always wanted to be with her; she, however, was trying to get over a previous boyfriend and tried to keep things just as friends between her and Shorty. Things escalated, as Shorty was not about to give up, and although Moth was having doubts, she started to grow to love him, although her doubts about starting a new relationship with him were enough that she avoided the subject as much as possible.

As Shorty doubled and tripled his efforts to get Moth to agree to go out with him, Moth finally accepted boy- and girl-friendship with him, if I remember correctly, sometime last summer. Things were fine for a while: we all returned to university in the fall, and things seemed good with them. All the normal relationshippy things, and on the surface their relationship looked perfect. In fact, as Shorty is SO well-liked in our friend-group, whenever Moth had a complaint, people automatically jumped to Shorty’s side and refused to believe that he’d ever say or do something bad.

Problem is, he’s getting to be kind of crazy, of late. Well, I say “of late,” but vent sessions with Moth reveal that things like this have been occurring on and off since quite possibly last year. Shorty is extremely possessive, refuses to let Moth have her own private life or outside friends (sharing a friend group doesn’t help) and complaining and throwing outright tantrums when Moth won’t come to his beck and call to spend time with him. It has gotten to a point where he will pester Moth endlessly, even at two in the morning, to come over to his house because he’s lonely or depressed.

He’s also very childish and spoiled rotten: not only does he demand he gets his way when it comes to Moth, but if she tries to stand up for herself, he throws massive fits. He throws massive fits anyway. Apparently a few weeks ago he couldn’t find his camera charger or something and reacted in the most rational way a person could: he tore his room apart, threw chairs around, punched walls and shouted.

Anyway, a bunch of these types of “little” things would always happen, and Moth more or less did what she could to get by. However, a few nights ago, they went out with a group of our friends for a birthday and Shorty almost got in a fight with somebody over some little thing. After Moth pulled them apart and took Shorty home, shit hit the proverbial fan.

This is where it gets to be worrying. Well, even more worrying. Once at home, Shorty destroyed his room again, throwing his and Moth’s things around and breaking a lot of stuff, was shouting and screaming and punching walls and overall being terrifying. Moth, who sometimes suffers panic attacks, began suffering a panic attack and tried to leave to go back to her house. In response, Shorty grabbed her and threw her onto the bed, preventing her from getting up, all while she was sobbing and hyperventilating and both of them were screaming.

According to her, he didn’t “hurt” her like punching, kicking or slapping, but being thrown onto the bed hurt, not to mention he shouldn’t be fucking doing things like that in the first place. He started saying things like how he “lost a lot of respect for her” and calling her a “fucking bitch” and saying he hates her, basically demeaning her and being angry because she had begun to have a panic attack that he fucking caused in the first place. In the end I don’t know quite how things turned out for that night, but needless to say, she’s not sure she can keep it up for much longer with him.

Therein lies the problem though. Even if Moth can get past the guilt-tripping and emotional blackmail which Shorty does so often, Shorty is VERY well-liked in our friend group. He’s popular, funny, sweet, intelligent and gentlemanly to everyone, because apparently how people view him is very important and he’ll do anything to get people to like him. Moth is afraid that even if she does work up the courage to end it with him, he’ll destroy her in everybody’s eyes and make her out to be the bad guy when in reality he’s pretty much sabotaging the relationship himself with his possessiveness and tantrums. While it’s all well and good to say that the “true friends” will stay with her and not to worry about anyone who won’t hear her side of the story, she’s still worried, understandably enough.

She doesn’t quite know what to do (although right now it seems like breaking it off with him is the only option), how to go about it, how to deal with his guilt-tripping and tantrums, and how to deal with the aftermath which will no doubt be painful and awkward, as we all have the same friend group and while about 20-25% of us would either be on her side or at least give her side a listen, the remaining people would likely stick with Shorty and vilify Moth. So basically, help.

Fuck shit this is long.

TL;DR: A friend needs advice on how best to handle a break-up and the aftermath of said break-up. I know it’s a novel, but you’ll need the information given in the thread in order to give proper advice.

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Devious Comments

alevkov Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2013  Professional Digital Artist
She sounds like a Angel.

Fucking Bitch!
x666NiGhTmArE666x Featured By Owner Feb 8, 2013
Don't let her be alone with him. I'm afraid he'll do something more than just throw her on the bed. I would be with her when she breaks up with him as well. It would probably help to talk to him, and maybe there's a school therapist/regular therapist so he can talk to them.
Jonas-Lightfoot Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2013
Phones are a wonderful thing. It sounds like moth needs time to work up the courage to break up with Shorty. She can record a couple of the tantrums without him knowing -even voice recording while the phone is in her pocket would work. Then, when she's ready to break up with him, she needs to get all of her stuff away from him and go to everyone one-on-one and explain things, with proof that she's telling the truth. The important thing here is that she does NOT offer ultimatums, because then she will lose everyone as friends.

If she explains something along the lines of "Me and Shorty are breaking up, and I'm not going to make you choose who to be friends with. I just want you to know my side, because I'm scared that I'll loose you as a friend, and I don't want that to happen." Then explain the story with the evidence.

Also: She needs to make sure she has copies of the evidence. Preferably with a copy on your stuff that Shorty doesn't know about. That way if he tries to throw a tantrum and damage the phone, it won't destroy the evidence. This might sound like paranoia, but you never know with guys like that.
Xannijn Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2013  Student Filmographer
If I believed that therapists can actually fix this guy, I'd say he needs therapy. I quite literally mean FIX HIM because there's something wrong with his venting. My partner tends to vent in a similar way sometimes, to the extend of say, throwing his cellphone to the floor. It's not healthy, but it's not punching walls and doors for the drop of a hat either. That's bloody teenage behavior.

It's been said here before: she must break up with him. Some men just tend to vent that way, but if my partner would ever throw ME instead of whatever of his own things he has near him, it'd be over in a heartbeat. I love him very much but that's just how it is. Even if it's happened only once, it's only likely to happen again later.
It might be painful for her to do so, even though he's obviously an ass, she might still love him. But it is as it is: this is for the sake of her own life. And later she will thank herself for ending this.

If she's worried about his reaction - which we all are at this point, I think :noes: - she could start by very slowly taking her belongings away from his place. But chances are that he'll notice this. It's better that she gets some help from you and other friends to get it all out there in one trip, then break the news, possibly with you and other friends by her side. (Assuming he's only such a violent ass when they're alone together. If he loses it then, at least she won't be unprotected and others can see what kind of a guy he truly is.)

And honestly? Losing some friends over this isn't a big deal. In fact, if they can't support her for leaving an abusive partner, they're hardly friends at all.
iKiska Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2013  Student General Artist
She said she's already slowly removing her belongings from his house and returning them to hers, bit by bit, and has been doing this since (I think) before the most recent "big" incident. At least it's a start.

I'm definitely going to suggest having SOMEone around when it happens -- at least somewhere else in the house so that if shit starts to fly, they can hear it and help her remove herself from the situation. Hopefully it'll all go well, or as well as it possibly can.
JessaFlux Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2013   Photographer
Lesson learned- when you are not over or through with a previous relationship, don't rebound into another. Things do not usually end up well and your choices are usually clouded by wanting to move on in your life too quickly. Sometimes you just need time to heal before you can move on.
iKiska Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2013  Student General Artist
She did wait quite a while (I suppose, I guess I really wouldn't know what a "good" amount of time between relationships is) before jumping over to Shorty -- about a year, to be fair. Perhaps it still wasn't enough time. :shrug:
Between-Winds Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2013
First thing's first. She needs to cut contact and she needs to cut it now. There is absolutely no question at all as to whether or not she should break up with him. He has shown himself to be violent, manipulative, destructive, and possessive. It will only get worse.

When she breaks up with him, she must NOT be alone. He will react poorly. Make sure you are with her or nearby. She must not break up with him in private, it must be in a place where there are MANY people. If it is in private, he may react violently and two or three people might not be able to control the situation. Furthermore, in public, he cannot prevent her from leaving and if he chooses to follow or harass her, there will be help nearby.

Contact must be completely broken. If he is as persistent as you say, he will cause problems afterwards. If necessary, she can file a restraining order against him. This may mean giving up some friends, but if he is as batshit insane as you make him out to be, they'd have to be crazy not to see through him eventually, particularly after the breakup.

I know Shorty is a friend of yours and you feel like you should defend him a bit, but that behaviour is completely out of line and there is no need to protect him. He's abusive, plain and simple, and people defending him only enable that behaviour. Please support your friend and let him be. He deserves no sympathy and had it coming.
iKiska Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2013  Student General Artist
I'm glad to get opinions on whether or not other people should be around for the break-up, at least in the vicinity -- I was worried that if she did it privately shit might go down, so I'm happy that other people are agreeing that it should be done with some back-up around to help cool things off or get her out of there.

I do admit it feels a bit... not mean, but weird I guess, to be vilifying Shorty, but believe me when I say I do know that his behavior is completely wrong and that I need to stand by Moth during this. :salute:
Jonas-Lightfoot Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2013
Glad to hear it.
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