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January 26, 2013
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I don't understand your depression. There's just something wrong with you.

:iconminako25:
minako25 Jan 26, 2013  Professional Digital Artist
So I'm either putting my heart down here for the world to enlighten... or condemn me.

In real life, I'm a pretty miserable and pathetic person. The only thing that provides the illusion of happiness is my incredibly random ADHD. Since I've been in high school I can remember my family saying things like, "I don't understand why you are depressed. (You and your sister both) No child of mine is depressed."

Than last night, I got the whopper of my lifetime, that I've been depressed since I was two!!!

It made me want to step back. If I've been like this my WHOLE LIFETIME (which I believe because my childhood memories are just unhappy). It was like the first time my family admitted that I've had a problem and it's been ongoing. Albeit it's 30 years later. However no one ever thought to do anything about it? I'm just an unhappy person and that's they way it is.

I suppose, I've accepted it too.

I'm a failure. I can't be happy. I can't be healthy. I can't be in a relationship. I can't keep friends. I can't trust people. I can't be strong. I can't be independent. I can't have direction. I can't have dreams. I can't be good at my job or have a career because I'm unreliable and well... a royal screw up. I can't be beautiful. I can't have self respect.

I often long for the time my family is gone, so that I can be selfish and end my world. In the meantime I don't, because well, failures can't commit suicide because well, they'd mess that up to.

Currently I live with my family - after i failed to hold a job in Chicago where i basically made careless mistake after mistake and my bosses very loudly told me that, "NO ONE cared about me" and that was okay because I was a failure. After a failed attempt at suicide, I was told to never come back again. I just couldn't understand the job, no matter how I tried. I even saw some of the most brilliant artist ever, get their heads ripped off for things that weren't a part of their job responsibility. Or just in general.

I now work retail part time (i hate sales) a and take care of my parents, so that they may continue to live in their own home. (Often my mother says she couldn't survive without me) BUT I'm ungrateful and a poor caretaker. They had to hire maids because I can't clean well enough, I can't shovel the snow well enough and now they are about to pay to have their meals made because I'm such a complainer. These changes usually happen when I'm so stressed out from 10 hour days and i come home to a hurricane of chores and i would freak out. I suppose I felt that two adults who can make a mess, can have some hand in cleaning it up. I see now, I was wrong.

My only family, who i think may understand me, my sister, said, "I'm sorry, they are your responsibility. I don't want to hear it. Because I have my own family now, and I won't lose them, because of mom and dad."
Sometimes I believe my sister only keeps bonds with us, for money and favors. My mother promises me money all the time, I think as leverage - but 95% of the time I tell her, "I don't want your money."

I suppose I could keep going on, but I guess this is a good place to reflect.

Some days, I know that it's not me and that I live in a toxic-negative environment. That unrealistic pressures are put on me and I have the patience of a saint, where no one else would. That I'm a kind, fun and reliable person that people like to be around and would really count on me. That i have talent and can do anything I want to do. It's just the misery my family feels that is pushed on me, and is draining the life out of me, and causing this nauseating guilt I feel. It carries on into the real world, where I let my superiors (and non superiors) at work treat me like crap (and have customers scold me for allowing anyone to talk to me like that)

But most days, it's me. I'm just broken. I've seen the emails my "friends" have sent to each other, explaining how broken I am, and the poor decision making skills I make of my life. My family doesn't understand me (nothing about me) and normally what i think I hear are condescending tones about "what or why what i did wasn't right. How I don't clean or Organize properly. I don't have the right attitude. I don't plan ahead. I just don't think. I don't cook the right foods. my laundry isn't folded correctly. Or my friends aren't good enough. OR my favorite, "A NORMAL person would have done __________."

A normal person would be more respectful and docile, I suppose.

I doubt anyone can really relate to my situation. Or survived this type of situation. I'm fully accepting that all of this misery i feel is all self induced and fabricated. That I'm the luckiest bitch in the world and need to show a little more respect for what i have. Try to act a little more like a NORMAL human being. Because really, the rest of the world doesn't give a crap about you.

So, here I am world. Is a lifetime of depression completely uncalled for? Is my life uncalled for? My window on the world completely askew? My failures completely my own? Is Minako25, just a broken china doll, best left in the corner shelf to be forgotten?

btw, my automatic excuse for:
"you need therapy" is, "if i can afford therapy, than i can afford to pay my mother more rent." i'm also am not worth it.
"you should move out" is, "can't afford it, and can't get a roommate that i would put out when i can't afford rent."

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Devious Comments

:icondolcux:
Dolcux Feb 6, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I know I can't relate, but whenever I feel really depressed and shitty, I need to remind myself that a lot of people have it worse. There are people who don't have food or shelter. They have no job and maybe no family. But take a look at you. You have internet, they don't. You can draw, they can't. You can live in a safe and comfortable environment, they can't. You're not a failure. Your art is great! And you're strong enough to be able to support two other people! Try to think about all the little things that make you happy. In the end, you're still here, so you probably have a good reason for staying. Find it and use it to climb out of the gutter :)

PS (I hope this helped. :D)
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:icongamejunkiegirl23:
gamejunkiegirl23 Feb 5, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
minako your life was never uncalled for , you are not a broken china doll best left on the shelf to be forgotten , to me i think your a bright inspirational and and caring because you are like one of my role models here , your everyone's role model your a bright shining star to every one you know and love and i know so , your a wonderful leader, and youll always be a wonderful person in my book and no one can ever and i mean EVER forget that.
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:iconambientdream:
ambientdream Feb 4, 2013  Professional Digital Artist
when i read your post.. there is something in me that relates with you so much. I hope that you know you're not alone feeling like this.
I hope both of us can get our Light back. It will happen. I'll pray that you will find someone so amazing, he/she will care you and also you will appreciate the good things in life more.

We can only listen, unfortunately. Wish I can do more to help you :(
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:iconsemi-surreal:
semi-surreal Feb 4, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
What's that company in Chicago...? Chances are I've applied to it.
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:iconminako25:
minako25 Feb 4, 2013  Professional Digital Artist
Douglas Press
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:iconsemi-surreal:
semi-surreal Feb 4, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
huh...I missed that one, out of the 1,700 resumes + cover-letters I had sent out between late 2009 - early 2012! I didn't even know there were seventeen-hundred companies around, until I covered them all!

Now I'm back in college, instead, and getting my "stimulus".
I hope everything gets better for you, too.
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:iconsignsofortune:
I'm sorry that you are in this situation. :hug:
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:iconxpaintthestarsx:
XPaintTheStarsX Jan 30, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
One line I live by is You're only as happy as you make your mind up to be!
Who cares about your mistakes and flaws. End of the day you're just another perfect example of being human :)
People care. Its only natural. Chin up. You have all us Deviants to help you out =D
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:iconinyuji:
InYuJi Jan 28, 2013  Professional Traditional Artist
I'm praying for you. Just so you know, you're not worthless. If we are living, then there's a reason God gave us life.
That's just my belief, sorry if this riles you up.
Even if your family and friends don't see you as "useful", just know that God sees into your heart and sees your hearts intentions.
You're doing this out of selflessness and altruism, goodness of your heart. He sees that, and He's always there to give you a shoulder to cry on. He feels your pain, and He's there for you.
Want proof? All of us on this forum are trying to show you that we care. We can't be there physically cuz some of us don't have the means to travel. But we're here in whatever small way we can.
Have strength, keep heart.
Jeremiah 31:25 (ESV)
For I will satisfy the weary soul, and every languishing soul I will replenish."
Mathew 11: 28-30 (red letters of Jesus)
(28)Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. (29)Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. (30) For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."
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:iconthatmexicanuzer:
... I don't know what to say. I hope you can find clearance in your life
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