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January 26, 2013
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I don't understand your depression. There's just something wrong with you.

:iconminako25:
minako25 Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2013  Professional Digital Artist
So I'm either putting my heart down here for the world to enlighten... or condemn me.

In real life, I'm a pretty miserable and pathetic person. The only thing that provides the illusion of happiness is my incredibly random ADHD. Since I've been in high school I can remember my family saying things like, "I don't understand why you are depressed. (You and your sister both) No child of mine is depressed."

Than last night, I got the whopper of my lifetime, that I've been depressed since I was two!!!

It made me want to step back. If I've been like this my WHOLE LIFETIME (which I believe because my childhood memories are just unhappy). It was like the first time my family admitted that I've had a problem and it's been ongoing. Albeit it's 30 years later. However no one ever thought to do anything about it? I'm just an unhappy person and that's they way it is.

I suppose, I've accepted it too.

I'm a failure. I can't be happy. I can't be healthy. I can't be in a relationship. I can't keep friends. I can't trust people. I can't be strong. I can't be independent. I can't have direction. I can't have dreams. I can't be good at my job or have a career because I'm unreliable and well... a royal screw up. I can't be beautiful. I can't have self respect.

I often long for the time my family is gone, so that I can be selfish and end my world. In the meantime I don't, because well, failures can't commit suicide because well, they'd mess that up to.

Currently I live with my family - after i failed to hold a job in Chicago where i basically made careless mistake after mistake and my bosses very loudly told me that, "NO ONE cared about me" and that was okay because I was a failure. After a failed attempt at suicide, I was told to never come back again. I just couldn't understand the job, no matter how I tried. I even saw some of the most brilliant artist ever, get their heads ripped off for things that weren't a part of their job responsibility. Or just in general.

I now work retail part time (i hate sales) a and take care of my parents, so that they may continue to live in their own home. (Often my mother says she couldn't survive without me) BUT I'm ungrateful and a poor caretaker. They had to hire maids because I can't clean well enough, I can't shovel the snow well enough and now they are about to pay to have their meals made because I'm such a complainer. These changes usually happen when I'm so stressed out from 10 hour days and i come home to a hurricane of chores and i would freak out. I suppose I felt that two adults who can make a mess, can have some hand in cleaning it up. I see now, I was wrong.

My only family, who i think may understand me, my sister, said, "I'm sorry, they are your responsibility. I don't want to hear it. Because I have my own family now, and I won't lose them, because of mom and dad."
Sometimes I believe my sister only keeps bonds with us, for money and favors. My mother promises me money all the time, I think as leverage - but 95% of the time I tell her, "I don't want your money."

I suppose I could keep going on, but I guess this is a good place to reflect.

Some days, I know that it's not me and that I live in a toxic-negative environment. That unrealistic pressures are put on me and I have the patience of a saint, where no one else would. That I'm a kind, fun and reliable person that people like to be around and would really count on me. That i have talent and can do anything I want to do. It's just the misery my family feels that is pushed on me, and is draining the life out of me, and causing this nauseating guilt I feel. It carries on into the real world, where I let my superiors (and non superiors) at work treat me like crap (and have customers scold me for allowing anyone to talk to me like that)

But most days, it's me. I'm just broken. I've seen the emails my "friends" have sent to each other, explaining how broken I am, and the poor decision making skills I make of my life. My family doesn't understand me (nothing about me) and normally what i think I hear are condescending tones about "what or why what i did wasn't right. How I don't clean or Organize properly. I don't have the right attitude. I don't plan ahead. I just don't think. I don't cook the right foods. my laundry isn't folded correctly. Or my friends aren't good enough. OR my favorite, "A NORMAL person would have done __________."

A normal person would be more respectful and docile, I suppose.

I doubt anyone can really relate to my situation. Or survived this type of situation. I'm fully accepting that all of this misery i feel is all self induced and fabricated. That I'm the luckiest bitch in the world and need to show a little more respect for what i have. Try to act a little more like a NORMAL human being. Because really, the rest of the world doesn't give a crap about you.

So, here I am world. Is a lifetime of depression completely uncalled for? Is my life uncalled for? My window on the world completely askew? My failures completely my own? Is Minako25, just a broken china doll, best left in the corner shelf to be forgotten?

btw, my automatic excuse for:
"you need therapy" is, "if i can afford therapy, than i can afford to pay my mother more rent." i'm also am not worth it.
"you should move out" is, "can't afford it, and can't get a roommate that i would put out when i can't afford rent."

+++++++++++++++++++++END+++++++++++++++++++++
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Devious Comments

:icondolcux:
Dolcux Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I know I can't relate, but whenever I feel really depressed and shitty, I need to remind myself that a lot of people have it worse. There are people who don't have food or shelter. They have no job and maybe no family. But take a look at you. You have internet, they don't. You can draw, they can't. You can live in a safe and comfortable environment, they can't. You're not a failure. Your art is great! And you're strong enough to be able to support two other people! Try to think about all the little things that make you happy. In the end, you're still here, so you probably have a good reason for staying. Find it and use it to climb out of the gutter :)

PS (I hope this helped. :D)
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:icongamejunkiegirl23:
gamejunkiegirl23 Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
minako your life was never uncalled for , you are not a broken china doll best left on the shelf to be forgotten , to me i think your a bright inspirational and and caring because you are like one of my role models here , your everyone's role model your a bright shining star to every one you know and love and i know so , your a wonderful leader, and youll always be a wonderful person in my book and no one can ever and i mean EVER forget that.
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:iconambientdream:
ambientdream Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2013  Professional Digital Artist
when i read your post.. there is something in me that relates with you so much. I hope that you know you're not alone feeling like this.
I hope both of us can get our Light back. It will happen. I'll pray that you will find someone so amazing, he/she will care you and also you will appreciate the good things in life more.

We can only listen, unfortunately. Wish I can do more to help you :(
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:iconsemi-surreal:
semi-surreal Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
What's that company in Chicago...? Chances are I've applied to it.
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:iconminako25:
minako25 Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2013  Professional Digital Artist
Douglas Press
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:iconsemi-surreal:
semi-surreal Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
huh...I missed that one, out of the 1,700 resumes + cover-letters I had sent out between late 2009 - early 2012! I didn't even know there were seventeen-hundred companies around, until I covered them all!

Now I'm back in college, instead, and getting my "stimulus".
I hope everything gets better for you, too.
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:iconsignsofortune:
signsofortune Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2013
I'm sorry that you are in this situation. :hug:
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:iconxpaintthestarsx:
XPaintTheStarsX Featured By Owner Jan 30, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
One line I live by is You're only as happy as you make your mind up to be!
Who cares about your mistakes and flaws. End of the day you're just another perfect example of being human :)
People care. Its only natural. Chin up. You have all us Deviants to help you out =D
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:iconinyuji:
InYuJi Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2013  Professional General Artist
I'm praying for you. Just so you know, you're not worthless. If we are living, then there's a reason God gave us life.
That's just my belief, sorry if this riles you up.
Even if your family and friends don't see you as "useful", just know that God sees into your heart and sees your hearts intentions.
You're doing this out of selflessness and altruism, goodness of your heart. He sees that, and He's always there to give you a shoulder to cry on. He feels your pain, and He's there for you.
Want proof? All of us on this forum are trying to show you that we care. We can't be there physically cuz some of us don't have the means to travel. But we're here in whatever small way we can.
Have strength, keep heart.
Jeremiah 31:25 (ESV)
For I will satisfy the weary soul, and every languishing soul I will replenish."
Mathew 11: 28-30 (red letters of Jesus)
(28)Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. (29)Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. (30) For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."
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:iconthatmexicanuzer:
Thatmexicanuzer Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2013
... I don't know what to say. I hope you can find clearance in your life
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:iconformadmenonly:
formadmenonly Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2013
Although I haven't been put under the pressures you have, I've also dealt with depression for most of my life. Right now I'm in my third year of a massive rut. I have one more paper to finish and then I'm done with college, but I'm terrified of what comes next, as my major (Theatre) no longer holds the same sway over me it once did and doesn't seem like I'd be able to find employment very easily with it. Combine that with the fact that I haven't had a job in nearly four years and my prospects are not looking good. Counseling has helped, as has medication (somewhat, it's hard to tell).

Basically, what I'm trying to convey, is that a lot more people than most of us think deal with darkness and self worth issues. You are not alone in this. There are others who face similar struggles. And while I can't say that I've been that great at reaching out to people, it has helped when I have sought out people who can empathize and sympathize with me.

As for normal, true "normality" is an eternally shifting absolute that changes over time and by the view point and the location and on and on and on. Do what makes sense to YOU.

Finally, I'd like to share with you some advice one of my English teachers gave my class: At it's most basic, the purpose of every single one of our lives is this - STAY ALIVE. The purpose of life is to live it.

As long as you're alive, there will always be something more to interest you; to keep you invested in living, even if it's as small as tasting your favorite food again, or seeing how One Piece will end. I for one do NOT want to die before Luffy becomes the Pirate King! :iconluffygrinplz:

Also, this marvelous clip from Doctor Who conveys this sentiment really nicely as well: [link]

I hope I was helpful.
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:iconautobubbs:
AutoBubbs Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2013
Let me apologize in advance if this fails, I'm terrible at this kind of thing...

I can relate to some of what you’re going through. It wasn't that long ago that I was in similar straits, sitting on the edge of my bed and reminiscing over my ‘failure’ as an adult. Almost like a black cloud laying over me, trying to crush the life out of me. Feeling so helpless and worthless and lonely and broken that I was about to cry. Dragging me down far enough that I did consider suicide, though my natural fear of death immediately negated that. Sadly, while I do have shoulders to cry on… I did what I always do and just ‘stayed the course’ until the skies cleared. I do not recommend that. What your doing here took courage.

From the sound of things, I’d say your mother’s the one who’s ungrateful. You bend over backwards to help, and your only reward is insults and criticism, more than likely an attempt to demoralize you and keep you in check. Nobody has any right to tear you down like that. It’s bad enough when some asshole supervisor does it, but that kind of abuse coming from a parent is unforgivable.

On the subject of ‘Normal’… it’s over-rated. Normal is boring, lacking in originality, individuality, spontaneity. Our imperfections are part of what make us…‘Us’. Otherwise, all we’d have is a planet full of meat-puppets.

Minako25, you are awesome! A skilled artist and from what I’ve read a wonderful person. The kind of person I would be glad to have as my friend! If some people can’t appreciate you for who you are and what you do, it’s their loss.
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:iconravynnenevyrmore:
RavynneNevyrmore Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2013  Student Digital Artist
Why don't you go to a doctor?
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:iconskytch:
Skytch Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2013
You shouldn't be beating yourself up like this, it's definitely not a viable option when you have such an epiphany as this. I recommend trying to cheer yourself by watching funny videos or doing something that you like to do. Once your mood is in better shape, I'd suggest finding a job so that you can afford to do the things that will help make your life better.
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:iconhoneygoddess57:
HoneyGoddess57 Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2013  Student General Artist
Hey, please don't go down; it won't make you feel better- even like you say "it's part of you" doesn't mean you can be that depressed- but hey! I feel you at times like this; myself I can be like that but it's such a different story than yours- I wasn't born like that and sometimes I feel quite depressed at times.

So raise your head up and see how many of us cares about you- because your not the only one that feels like this at times. We are here to talk to you. Friends are friends and friends stay stuck together even though you don't know us in real life.
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:icondarkangelchaiki:
DarKAngeLChaiki Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2013
Honestly, the best thing I could possibly say is along the lines of: Even when presented multiple piles of bull crap, you'll find diamonds. Regardless of the sadness you feel, you still have moments where the depression was gone and you had happy moments. The way I deal with my moments is think of the good moments you had in misery, and just think about how much more good moments will rise if you keep going.
Don't give up. Keep looking for the many lights, even when the room seems pure black. Eventually, something will come along and will wash the sad void aaway, and replace it with a brighter feeling.
I'm sure of it.
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:iconsmartz118:
smartz118 Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2013
I have a few questions: If your parents depend on you, how are they paying for these maids to clean up? Do they get social security checks or something? And if people complain about what they think you did is wrong, why don't they do it themselves and see how easy it is instead of telling you how do to something in hindsight?

Seriously though, if your parents want to live in their house, THEY have to earn it. They have to lie in the bed they make, so to speak. I know it is cruel to say that, but it seems they have been rather neglectful in considering your feelings and willfully ignorant about the pain of depression. Your mother may say she can't survive without you, but how did she survive before you were born? Are your parents injured and can't work? If you are the only one making money in that house, you can do whatever you want and they don't have the authority to say so, even if they are your parents. You are all adults, but you are the breadwinner here from what I can tell.

I have been watching you and you do great art, maybe you should do some freelancing and commissions for some extra cash? You can probably get a license to be a street artist near where you live and sell paintings or caricatures and make some money moonlighting doing that. Anything to help you show off your skills and away from your family and coworkers that take advantage of your generosity.
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:iconminako25:
minako25 Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2013  Professional Digital Artist
My parents are retired.
My mother is morbidly obese and refuses medical help because she's pretty sure surgery will kill her. And I realize now, typing... that I must sound the same about getting therapy. What a hypocrite I am. (i did for like 2 sessions but the bills were $200, so i stopped going.)
My father... well, I used to think it was Alzheimer. It may still be. But he's an awfully intelligent man, that i think just stopped caring and suffers "learned incompetence" more than i do! Anything he does, will be wrong, so it's easier just to do nothing. Or wait for me to do it.
From my perspective - nothing happens in this house unless i am home. I've often returned from work to a puddle of goo, or an exploded cola in the freezer or ... ahem... crap covered bathroom - that happened hours ago, but it's waiting for me to fix/clean.
From my mother's perspective - no one DOES ANYTHING, unless she tells them to do it... because we're too ____ to see the filth. Currently she's paying bills at the table - crying because no one else can do it.

As for commissions and such. Either no one wants to pay me, I can't dedicate the time it it, or it's just too... weird.
I have done freelancing. But my skill set is very specific - and i was told by a hiring agency that I'm too talented (especially when i was asked to write a blurb about myself) to hire out. My personality has also lost me points.

Honestly though, my passion - art - stresses me out more than anything.
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:iconlinas3001:
linas3001 Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I know it might be difficult to believe that someone else could've lived through something similar. And some people have, myself included. Now it might have not been as harsh for me, or maybe my memories of those times have significantly faded, but I remember calling my existence a "hell" at some point in my life.
I would tell you to go see a therapist, but that is a long, confusing and an sometimes unpleasant process. And it doesn't help that it's expensive. But here's what I'm here to say: I would like to be your pen pal. I don't know how much this will help you, but I'm willing to make an effort. So if you'd like to give it a shot, write me a pm message.
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:iconsmartz118:
smartz118 Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2013
Hmm. This is really serious. Well, I am not a psychologist or psychiatrist or therapist, so any advice I may give take with a grain of salt.

Your mother seems to have some kind of unfounded fear of surgery, because you haven't really given me a reason she won't go because she thinks she will die, but I am just stating the obvious. If you haven't already, apply to Medicaid to help with any health insurance issues (if you have any) because they help me since I am unemployed, but I am also a student, so I don't know. Again, if you haven't you have to sit down and talk with your mother about her health issues and think of simple and cheap ways to maybe combat her obesity, like talking simple walks around where you live or exercises at home. There are lots of guides on the internet that are free and simple to do.

As for you father, well, if it is Alzheimer, only medicine can treat that, and if it isn't,you have to scold him for leaving messes for you to clean up. I cannot evaluate this because I don't know the man or his habits, but maybe help him with something to keep him mentally active? They say "a mind is a terrible thing to waste" and having him do nothing all day is going to make his behavior worse.

From what you have said, there is quite a bit of tension between you and your mother, and that is understating it, obviously. However, you should not want to pick a fight with her, but may be enlighten her with the problems you have been having. There must be some big misunderstanding that you and your parents have. Also, if you want, you can ask your mother to teach you how to pay bills, as it is an extremely important skill to learn.

As for commissions not being paid, that is horrible to learn. If you can't dedicate time to it, its understandable because you have a life. As for commissions being weird, well, you are the one who takes the time and effort, its your choice on what you want to draw or not. As for being TOO talented to be hired, that irks me a lot. Being overqualified for a job is just the most bullshit excuse not to hire someone and I empathize with you there. As for your personality...well, I can't really judge you since I don't know you THAT well.
That is all I can say about your post, I hope it helps...again, my advice is not professional, so try to be open minded.
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:iconglori305:
Glori305 Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2013
Until you believe in yourself nothing will change.

Until you find the courage to make a change, nothing will change.

And your parents will not change, the only thing you can change is your reaction to them.

I have 2 children, and a long term relationship with a husband, who loves me, and I like myself, but it was not an easy road to get here. I also have ADHD and depression (both clincally diagnosed) and I maintain my life without meds.

You are not a broken china doll, but until you believe that you are worthwhile, no one else will either. Until you believe you are worthwile, and your parents are putting more pressure, and expectations on you than are reasonable, it will continue to hurt.

You can not make these changes overnight.

And I don't know if you can make these changes while trying to be the caretaker for your parents.

My mother has hit me with the "you are not grateful enough" more times in my life than I could count. Until I cut her out. Much like your sister, for a while I tried to maintain family connections, it was not because of money, or favors, but I kept hoping for the kind of relationship my friends had with their mothers. I eventually realized that was never going to happen, and all the money and favors in the world did not make up for having a mother who treated me like I was worthless.

I would vote for therapy myself. I have had a therapist, and gone to her off and on for over 30 years now. She helps me out whenever things get rough.
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:iconjavidluffy:
JaviDLuffy Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I will try to explain what I think. It’s a little difficult because my English level isn’t still as good as I would like... But here I go.

I may be wrong, but I have to say that I understand how you feel. Maybe you think you are alone with this. You may feel unhappy, and even miserable, but you are not the only person with these problems. Since I was very young I’ve been undergoing unexplained periods of sadness and a deep sensation of emptiness. Even now, those dark thoughts are still there, and sometimes I have the sensation of not knowing which class of person I am or I should be.
Life can be such a bitch with people like us, who are more sensitive and insecure than the others... I know how it feels when the problems surrounds you and you are not able to find the support you need.

I can’t help you too much with just a single comment, but I can give you an advice which can be useful if you know how to take advantage of it. Nobody is going to love you more than yourself. I know it’s a very typical advice, but even in the worst situation, the best thing you can do is learning how to be in harmony with yourself. It’s difficult. Very, very difficult. I’ve been trying to love my own persona for years, but I am still having problems with that. Sometimes I’d like to be more talented, more interesting or more similar to the other people. Sometimes I’d like to understand the other ones better, or being understood by them. Sometimes I am a human-failure and sometimes I’d like to be different. But I am like I am, and, in those moments when I am able to accept it, I notice that things aren’t so bad.

I don’t know if this will help you, but even the worst person in the world can be happy if he becomes able to accept himself. And, of course, once you can do it, you can face the world and can improve yourself. You don’t have to be afraid of failure or what people say about you, because nobody is perfect. And please, don’t abandon your dreams. Even if you can’t get them, they let us become more than we are.

Probably, this message won’t be exactly what you need, but if it helps you, I think you are an intelligent person and a very talented artist. And that is more than I can say about a lot of people. You are not perfect and I am not perfect. But who is it?
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:icondaanton:
daanton Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
You'll always have the friendship, love and support of those you know, and those you've worked with, right here.

We can only advise or suggest, it's up to you whether or not to act upon our advise or suggestions.

But never give up on anything in this life. As long as we've known you, we've never seen in you anything that ever suggested you weren't a capable and confident person.

You are like most everyone else here. Whatever works for you, you pursue it. Whatever doesn't, you pursue another avenue.

But you never gave up. And we your :devart: friends hope you never do.

Hang in there, friend! :thumbsup::thumbsup: :hug:
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:iconrtempleton:
rtempleton Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2013
There's a lot here. I hope I can do you some justice. I know I can't cover everything.

First off, if you are being a caretaker for family, then get over this idea that you "owe" more rent. Bullshit.

I was a caregiver for a relative who was not able to live on her own. I didn't pay rent. I didn't pay for groceries. I also didn't get paid. When I left, the rest of the family had to hire a caregiver a regular salary. I was saving their ass a lot of money during the time I was there.

I did hemorrhage money while I was there, which sucked. I had somewhere else I could have been, I didn't need to be there. Yet sometimes I got this vibe like I was being "done a favor" by being allowed to live there. Or something. Of course it's all bullshit, because everyone in the family was pretty messed up and in havoc over this.

I bring this up because we're all the walking wounded. I'm not not blaming your family for the crap they've done to you. I'm just saying that it sounds like they're a mess too.

I also bring it up because after that episode in my life, and the way I was treated, I was thrown into a weird artist block and depression that lasted for way too long. I felt so unworthy. I felt like I didn't "deserve" to be happy anymore. That I was broken (that's the word I used too). It was from this constant barrage of crap I got during that time. To be honest I'm probably not completely over it, but am much better now. Getting away from that environment helped a lot. And finally I started to get a bit angry about it all. Anger (not too much of it) can be cathartic. It can help. (Just don't get carried away, because too much anger can be toxic.) I think it's more like righteous indignation. No I did NOT deserve some of the crap I got. Hell no!

Now back to what my point was (I think I had a point! :lol: ). You are not worthless. You're a good artist, for one thing. There are always going to be those who are worse, and those who are better, but none will be you. And you are damn good. That you were able to apply your talents and develop your skills means that you are not as much of a screw-up as you think you are. (And I don't know what your family says about your artwork, but if they are down on it, don't listen to them. Family often has no clue at times. That's standard treatment for many artists.)

You are depressed, and when you're depressed, all things are out of whack. It's good that you know that.

Others are often uncomfortable with someone suffering with depression, and just want them to snap out of it, as if that's all it takes. I've had some of the most callous, heartless things said to me when I was suffering a deep bout of depression (and they knew the cause of the depression, and knew it was real). Some people really have no clue. No feelings, no tact. The hell with 'em.

Because you know it's depression, it should help you at least somewhat. Realize that some of these self-hating, self-defeating thoughts are lies.

You should use any funds you have to get treatment for depression. No, you don't "owe" any more rent. SCREW THAT!

It might just be a visit to a clinic and some medication and you'll start to be better. (Though some of these medications have side effects, so be cautious.) But you shouldn't have to put up with this crap!
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:iconnoleah:
noleah Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2013   Digital Artist
I'd like to be able to say I understand, but I really don't. My life might suck, heck, all of our lives suck, and some people's lives end up sucking more than others. The way life works is stupid sometimes. Randomly throwing situations and crazy things into our lives that change and shape who we are for the rest of our lives, completely on chance. I don't believe that our lives are set out for us. We can change them if we choose to. Me? I'm a lazy bum. I'll come out and say it. Things happened in my life, and even though it wasn't something I should do, I did that anyway because it was the easy route or because it felt safer. Now I'm stuck in counseling sessions because I can't talk to people without butterflies in my stomach, my hands shaking, or retain any information on my job. Where I'm employed, I have to be able to do this, and other people's lives rely on me to do those things. For a long time I stayed in my shell and thought I was a worthless lazy bum and didn't do anything because there wasn't a point and I didn't like to do those things because they made me feel uncomfortable. If I hadn't let that happen, if I had tried to change that earlier it would have been easy, but I've let myself slip too far.

I've been told before that depression is technically a chemical imbalance in your brain, and that getting pills helps to correct that balance. I know someone who was depressed, got the counseling, got the pills, and now hes a happy person who jokes around all the time and great to hang out with. I'm not saying your life can get magically changed, and as much as I hate my counseling sessions, I honestly think something like that will help you. Even if it doesn't do anything at first, even if you stop going after once or twice because it feels completely ridiculous, it makes you think about yourself, your actions, your thoughts, and your responses. You yourself as a person, who you really are and how others actually see you, as opposed as to how you think they see you. Your actions and thoughts, I for one, when I do something wrong all I think about is how stupid, incompetent, and forgetful I look. When in reality the logical side of my brain says the other person didn't even notice and its an easy mistake. then how you respond to what happens. I close myself off and hide away from everything assuming that the less contact I have with other people, the less I will get nervous, and the less I will make mistakes. It doesn't work for me though. So far I've basically been told by my counselor to 'think happy thoughts'. Its hard not to look on the negative side of things. But the less you concentrate on the negative, the easier it is to see the positive.

Life looks like one giant black hole that swallows you up and throws you around and bash's you a couple times over the head just because it can, and yet, black hole suck in light too. However stupid it sounds to say this, there are good things in life all around you. It just takes an eyeopener and a little concentration to push back those bad thoughts to see them. You have a job, and parents who are alive and care about you. Not everyone can say that. Things are often easy to see one-sided. I seriously doubt every single one of your failures was completely and totally your fault. but its often hard to see it any other way when we feel like a failure. I've felt that way too, granted, not to this extent, I've got other stuff to deal with and other things seriously messed up in my life. Things that make me question things 99% of us take for granted. Things like having the ability to fall in love, to believe in something without a single doubt, and just living life, day by day.

Sorry for the text wall. It probably sounds like complete nonsense, but thats the way my weird brain works. And thats ok, because I prefer my weirdness.
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:iconjuliabohemian:
Juliabohemian Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2013
I’m going out on a limb here. But it sounds like maybe Mom is part of the problem, if not the source?
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:icondrewzor:
drewzor Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2013
How you think effects your feelings, your feelings direct your choices and your choices define your character.
I do feel for you being in retail, its toxic because the public show no respect, especially to sales staff.
And depression is a difficult tide to wait out, though there is alot for you to do about that which doesnt involve a pill.
no one needs to understand you, don't look for validation through others its never going to work.
Focus on people, socialize with your family and concern yourself about them, talk to them about what they are doing and reflect how it is.
eg, thats exciting, scary, upsetting, wonderfull. you will learn to live with a greater range of emotion that way, it takes time but its good for you.
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:iconk-koji:
K-Koji Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2013
Do you have a doctor or something, or coverage where you could get some help that way?
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:iconmayjackson:
MayJackson Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2013
Okay, so - sad truth: no one truly cares about anyone. All love on this earth is conditional, unless you've found a REALLY REALLY rare bizzare person who truly cares - but people like that get taken advantage of and back stabbed until they don't trust enough... so there just aren't any people like that.

At the end of the day, you have to care about you. You have to know that you're worth it, and how valuable you are, even if other people can't. It's hard. I recommend writing lists of why you like yourself (write down everything you can think of no matter how trivial, and how you feel you'd like to be even if it's a stretch right now), and listening to motivational speakers on youtube and looking up motivational lists/writing on the internet.

Your brain is in a permanent dark funk. It's good that you *know* that - because once you know that you're always in this altered bad state, you can try to combat it. Just know that the way that your brain automatically processes things (as bad) is NOT TRUE. Keep reminding yourself of what's good.

As far as how you feel about yourself.... I REALLY think that you're suffering from REALLY BAD 'learned incompetence.' Look up that term on google and do some digging for yourself, but basically - you are NOT INCOMPETENT, but people have made you think/feel that way (especially when you were young), and you've mentally bought into it and now that's how you act/feel. You are not incompetent. You're not. I can believe that you mess up things sometimes, but you're not a 'mess up' over all. ANYTHING that you do wrong, you can learn to do BETTER. You are NOT HELPLESS.

Your biggest problem is that you don't seem to like yourself. That's reeeeeeally not good - you are worthy of your own love!!! Find things you like about yourself and start REALLY, REALLY liking those things!! Please watch this clip from Brian Tracy (he's a motivational speaker that I love to death): [link] He puts it way better than I can.

This is already too long so I'm going to stop, but please know that you are different than other people - but being different, processing things differently, being more likely to be depressed, that doesn't make you a less functional or less worthy human being. In fact, many of the most creative, beautiful human beings who ever lived - were perpetually depressed :) There seems to be a link. You are a beautiful person, but YOU have to believe that.
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:iconminako25:
minako25 Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2013  Professional Digital Artist
okay, learned incompetence is the most fascinating thing I didn't know existed, but makes sense and has always been there.
It's like the 10000000 times i have to re-show customers (and my parents) how to attach a file to an email (as an example) or save a picture... and they never RETAIN it.

My one supervisor who is the meanest and nicest, must consciously know about this. she wants to let me loose because she knows i know my stuff, yet she keeps repeating herself anyway and micromanaging me, and the mistakes just keep happening. ( i know it's not just me who makes mistakes in reality. )

I think not only me, but my whole FAMILY and the WORLD suffer from this. Obviously.

Sorry. Mind is blown.
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:iconmayjackson:
MayJackson Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2013
It's good to have your mind blown :) I have similar - what I'll call 'depressive tendancies,' and I've found that the more I know about why-I-think-how-I-do, the more it helps me to change. They key is that you're not what people tell you that you are - you're what you THINK you are. THINK and BELIEVE that you're whatever you want to be, and you'll start moving toward being more and more that person :)

Thanks for reading through that monster post! I hope you can start learning how to think more positively (particularly about yourself). It's such a struggle when that's not your natural state of being, but it's so worth it :) Best of luck! <3
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:iconslyboyseth:
slyboyseth Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2013  Student Writer
We are here for you, you know. You still got us to talk to.
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:iconironbloodaika:
IronBloodAika Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2013
We care about you. :(
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