I don't think this is new... I mean you need a way to contact your friends - mobile phone and facebook are the most effective ways now a days. You need something to do, going out, whenever it is just getting outside, going to parties, pubs or going at conventions or anything, is one main thing to do with friends.
Cell phone and going out is a bit of a must, I mean, how else are you going to contact with your friend? Sitting in your house all day, waiting for them to come by every now and then, without going anywhere?
Moving to Equestria- when is the next train again...?
what is a 'modern concept of friendship'? that doesn't make any sense with the things you listed there. people have always made friends the same way, they meet people, and have fun together. modern things like cellphones and facebook have just made it so contacting your friends is easier and faster. if you don't like going out, then you can contact your friends somehow and invite them over to your house to do stuff.
Technically, no - well, except for the last point. Introverts are often described as more focused on their own thoughts and perceptions than on their environment. I guess you could dislike a particular type of environment (eg the drinking-driving-bookfaceing) without being introverted, you could just be extroverted and prefer doing something else. But in my case, I'm definitely introverted
Personally, I don't think drinking and driving should have anything to do with making true, honest to God friends.
If you don't have a cellphone, then the next best thing you can do is go on outings, join a club, etc. etc. Maybe try to become a better public speaker by practicing in the mirror, or become active in a sport you're truly interested in.
at this time and age all those things are necessary to keep an efficient contact. I remember back then, when I went to elementary school, I only saw my friends at school, or if I invited them home. Usually I played out in the garden with all my friends that lived close enough. I guess it's kinda important that you do make some kind of effort to be part of your friends' lives. I didn't use to drink back then, but lately I do, and I go to parties with old friends, and I enjoy myself. It's not a must to drink if you go out, but it's kinda boring to just sit and stare at walls. Drinking, dancing, entertaining yourself is part of the evening. They call me to go to town, shopping, coffee time, they write to me in fb etc. I find cell phones necessary because everybody can find you. Back in the old times people had (and even today) house phones, but you couldn't bring them with you if you went outside, and nobody could contact you 24/7. Surely it has its pros and cons. I don't have my own car and I surely don't believe that it's necessary in order to have friends.
It's hard to stay friends with people who live 2 hours away without a phone/facebook, so I really need at least one of them. Once a month really isn't a good quota for meeting people who you really like a lot.
Yes, it's possible, if you and your friend are willing to make an effort, real effort to keep your friendship friendship can and does take work, especially with distance involved . Things like cellphones, FB, driving, going out or whatever can be a double edged sword. Yes, it can make it easier to keep in contact and communication but it can also make the company stale lacking the involvement of the friend's company to sustain the relationship. It's the company, not always the activities that make friendship last.
Try new ways or even old ways to be friends. Just hang out Study, read, cook, exercise, clean, do something together Send a handwritten letter via post. Exchange books, clothes (if you wear similar size or styles) or small craft projects
I have a friend I see once in a blue moon and all we do when we hang out is read books, cook, or bake very little chit chat.
Is it possible to not to those things and still be a nice enough person to have friends? Yes. Though I hope you have a host of other interests because I doubt I'd be too interested in spending time with someone that just wants to sit inside and do nothing.
Is it easy to make friends? No. If people don't care about you they're not going to put much effort into inviting you places. That means that if you meet someone, say, in class, they're not going to go out of their way to call your landline or even go round your house to invite you out (which you wouldn't want to do anyway, thus making it much harder as most people won't spend time alone with someone else in their house unless they're quite close).
Personally, I'd just recommend you get Facebook. You don't have to post your personal information on here (my profile is basically bare apart from pictures other people take of me) but it would help you to stay in the loop about social gatherings. Hell, at my university anyone that isn't part of the Facebook groups will miss out on most of the events - and that doesn't just mean the parties, it also means the societies that aren't about drinking.
If you don't want to get a mobile, get Facebook or generally make yourself easier to involve in any way, you're probably just going to have to accept having none to very few friends. That's because someone that's just met you isn't obligated to spend a massive amount of time and energy making special arrangements for someone that doesn't want to do much and doesn't seem to care about socialising.
Don't worry about it sweetie The only thing on the list I'm still doing is using Facebook, and tho I never talk to anyone on there. I only play games when I have absolutely nothing better to do And my surroundings still appreciate me nonetheless! Communications via FB / cell phones is so overrated. And I think it's a lot better to have fun without drinking as well since you remember what you did and you didn't puke everywhere *happened a lot to me* So yeah, no big deal here ^^
I think I can possibly relate to what you're feeling!
I'm lonely at the moment... I can't drive, I don't use Facebook, I don't drink, I don't have a phone, and my idea of a good time with someone is spending it doing something like drawing, being creative together on a deeper level, or talking about things that really matter, or playing games, or something like that, rather than going to some party or social gathering or just generally Going Out.
But it seems like what I'm looking for - someone who doesn't drink, use Facebook, etc, etc - is some kind of myth, a fantasy, because everyone else seems to love these friendships that seem entirely based around *activities* and drinking. I've asked how I could meet people before, and I generally get suggestions that involve drinking. When I say I don't drink, they either tell me that I should if I want to meet people, or that I should put up with other people drinking... but I don't think I could really have a meaningful encounter with someone if they were tipsy or just generally pouring poison into their body right in front of me... o_O I've been around 'friends' who got drunk around me before, and I hated the experience. I wished there was someone to share my outsider-ness with during it; who I could talk to about how neither of us like drinking and things like that! Rather than just watching the other peoples' minds deteriorate...
I've even tried to join dating sites before, just to find friends, but when I specify that not drinking at all is 'very important', the site says "you shouldn't do that, or you'll get no results". Because EVERYONE seems to drink... D: It's frustrating!
I often wonder whether I should just give in and use Facebook anyway, just to meet people, but I can't imagine ever being comfortable there because the type of exchanges that people have just aren't my kind of thing at all, from what I've seen. That, and I'd feel left out because while everyone would be openly talking about their active social lives, I wouldn't have one to talk about, nor would I even WANT that kind of 'social life'... I crave deep, meaningful connections with people who are on my wavelength, but I don't want 'pals' who I can go out and destroy my consciousness with... or whatever!
I feel like if I were friends with people like that, either I'd worry that they were considering me an awkward burden, or I'd feel like we were never really on the same level because the whole way their mind worked was so different to my own.
Anyway, uh... I can certainly relate to what you're saying, if that means anything! It's nice in a way to hear someone else expressing something like this which is on my mind a lot. I just wish that people who fall into that group were more common...
Isn't it frustrating when people want to "do" things, and all you want is to "be" with them? I'm so tired of doing. I just want to hug! And "be there" for people, not as in, "be in the same place and spend my money on the same things", but really be with them.
I don't mind that people drink, I mean, it's their bodies and their decision... as long as they do it well away from me. I find it hard to interact with people when they don't even want to act like themselves.
I've thought about giving in to the Facebook pull as well. But aside from the pathetic... pathetic-ness that I've seen in compilations (not sure whether to laugh or cry), what really creeps me out about Facebook is their determination to invade your privacy. Sure, you can make an account without your real name or photos, but they'll still record your interests at every click you make, and once you've made contact with your acquaintances, your identity will be obvious anyway.
(And it really doesn't help that here in France, people pronounce Facebook "fesse-bouc", which is literally the French for "goat ass". So I basically hear people saying: "Hey, are you on goat ass? What, you don't have a goat ass?! Dude, you should totally get a goat ass! I love goat ass!" ) Moving on.
I guess we'll run into people we can truly befriend sooner or later, nature has a funny way of arranging these things. Once I'm done hibernating, I'll go to a few places, get back to the beach, stay open, and see what happens. I'm hoping to find English speakers, because I find them a lot more open-minded in general.
Thank you for the support, I shall now sneak around your profile and invade your old poll pages with long comments.
I think I'd probably be friends with a person like that if we have some other ways to communicate, of course.
I don't mind if someone doesn't drink, even if I occasionally do. I don't mind if someone doesn't drive. I don't mind if someone doesn't use a cellphone, even if it's comfortable sometimes. I used to hate cellphones and I stopped using it for years until work forced me to keep one again. I don't mind if someone doesn't use facebook, but being a not very sociable person and not liking phone conversations and stuff, I'd have some problems if they didn't have any other way to leave a message. Even just deviantart, for example, or msn/skype, or whatever, it doesn't really matter where. I also don't really like going out too much. It depends on where, and who with. And doing what.
Despite that, I don't despise social networks and I don't think it's such a terrible thing to have a facebook account and just share there some crap. Also, if they have fun, they can go out wherever they want, who cares about THEIR way to socialize. It isn't the only way, and I bet there are people who can either go around drunk as hell after sharing a picture of their hairy butt on facebook, and just sit at home with you talking about serious stuff with a cup of tea.
You sound quite flexible! I'm glad some people can use other messaging systems than the facebooks, I always have a hard time finding people who know skype or DA or ever check their email. I find it exasperating when hanging out always involves some form of consumption. "Oh hey, you wanna hang out? sure, how about in that random coffee place over there? - Man, I don't want a fookin drink, I just want to spend time with you!" Anyway. Good to see there are more options.
I might consider someone of that description to be a "friend" if we've spent a sufficient amount of time together at some point to form a significant bond—like how I consider my 3rd grade BFF who I haven't seen or talked to much in the past year to be a "friend," or the cousin that I see once a year to be a "friend"—but I probably wouldn't "make friends" with someone so completely off the grid.
And let me ask you: why would I?
The not drinking and not driving are fairly inconsequential. Well, I don't know what kind of area you live in and how important driving is in your world, but I don't drive and have never needed to because it's not necessary in my world. I don't care if a person drinks or not as long as they don't mind when me and my friends do and will still join us and have fun but just not drink.
But not having a phone, Facebook, or even going outside are major things. That means I can't talk to that person or spend time with them, so why would we be friends?
Also, I will rarely consider someone of the opposite sex if he doesn't have Facebook, a phone, or go out. Let me break down what happens for you:
Lacking Facebook is tricky enough. It means we can't have any sort of casual banter that leads to hanging out unless we have the time and level of familiarity to actually hang out in person. I actually met a guy recently without Facebook and we seemed to have some sort of chemistry at a party, and I see him in a class once a week, but nothing is happening because he misses out when things are going on because he's not on Facebook. And what are we supposed to talk about if we can't get to know each other? If he was on Facebook, we could have some level of casual communication there that would segue more naturally into hanging out in person. Doing that via text is too forced, and the time we have to chat during class is too short and too infrequent.
If a dude doesn't have a phone on top of that, forget it— not even worth my time. Because how will I ever coordinate to see him at all? I would only ever run into that guy by coincidence and by the time that ever happens I will have found someone else—someone who is less of a hassle. If he has Facebook but no phone, or if I don't have his number yet, well, that happens sometimes but it's still tricky until you get a dude's number. Sometimes people are between phones and it's possible to coordinate things solely through Facebook, but it's not as efficient and those people usually miss out on things. This happened with a guy last year, who was supposed to get drinks with me but we could only coordinate through FB IMs and I always missed his messages until it was too late and he always missed mine and we weren't able to meet up until he got his new phone. If a guy told me he just didn't have a phone and had no intentions of ever getting one, I don't think I would even bother because I'm not going to be responsible for checking Facebook that frequently.
If he doesn't go out and do things...well, I mean, I'm okay with staying in, especially if it's to get frisky, but how are we going to get to that point unless we've had some sort of casual interactions in person, which are presumably outside of his domicile? There's actually a guy right now that I really like, but he doesn't go out and do things because he's so busy with classwork, so it's impossible to make a move on him because he won't come out and hang out with our group of friends. So I've given up on him. There was another guy a few years ago who always told me he was too busy to go out so I assumed he wasn't interested and gave up, and it turned out he actually was interested but was legitimately busy but it just couldn't happen because he never had any time to go out and do things when we knew each other.
If a guy doesn't have a phone, Facebook, or go outside, I've probably only ever met him in class/at work/at a party and never talked to him again. How could I if he can't be reached? If he doesn't have a Facebook or a phone or want to go out and do things I assume he is not interested in me or humanity in general.
So you will basically never have any kind of love/sex life if you can't be interacted with by society.
As for just friends, there are awesome people that I have lost touch with because they don't have a phone, Facebook, and don't live near me anymore. I just don't have the time to keep up a relationship with one friend in e-mail, another on Google+, another on Twitter, etc. Either you all exist in one place or you forego our friendship. If you make me chase you, you don't want to be friends with me very much.
I love your signature. I think you're right to stick to your own organisation. When people don't want to use FB and/or phones, it's their decision, their priorities list. It is a bit sad to have technological boundaries, especially if you'd actually have a fun time just being around those people. (And I think it works both ways, if you make them chase you onto your communication platforms, it sends the same message to them.) But if you forced yourself to spend time on technology that you don't normally use, just to communicate with one person, I guess that would take all the joy out of interacting with them, and it would feel more like a chore. When communication is easy and you can meet your acquaintance in a few clicks, it's probably better for your mood and the following interaction.
(And I think it works both ways, if you make them chase you onto your communication platforms, it sends the same message to them.)
That is true, although I feel that the ubiquity of Facebook makes it so that I am not asking them to "chase" me anywhere. Facebook is pretty much the default. If I were only a user of Google+, for example, and insisted that my friends don't want to be friends with me unless they use Google+, then I would be posing an unreasonable obstacle to them. It's not unreasonable to expect someone to use Facebook just like it's not unreasonable to expect them to have at least one phone number where they can be reached, or an e-mail address, or a physical address. Those are requirements for a lot of things, and if you say that you don't believe in the technology of a telephone, or e-mail, or static lodging, society has the right to leave you behind and deny you some things. A library card, for example.
But if you forced yourself to spend time on technology that you don't normally use, just to communicate with one person, I guess that would take all the joy out of interacting with them, and it would feel more like a chore.
Yes, I've run into that before. It gets magnified when every time you make the effort to go out of your way to talk to them on that platform, they guilt you for not doing it more often.
When communication is easy and you can meet your acquaintance in a few clicks, it's probably better for your mood and the following interaction.
I'm not sure I understand what you're talking about here. It sounds like you're talking about some kind of virtual environment, and that's not what I mean at all. Facebook isn't a substitute for face-to-face interaction; it's a supplement. I don't give up on guys who don't have Facebook because I want to date them on Facebook; I give up because without Facebook it's usually more difficult to incorporate them into my offline social life.
well it certainly seems like your out of the loop.
only advice is to get into it meet people and actually get a connection to people and then shy away and do your own thing and hopefully they will tag along as well. prepare to open your mind and push yourself or you will be forever alone.
Mmm, yeees, I will pretend to be one of the earthlings, and then I will lure them back to my base... (That is literally the first thing that came to mind as I was reading your comment) Eventually I'll give myself a kick and dive out there, survive, and find a compromise.
I'm going out with someone for the last three years who has all of those criteria. Apart from drinking. He likes beer.
A phone is pretty much very essential for me since my entire family live in another country, I need to call my household services companies and I need to find out where people are before I go out to meet them~ =B
* doesn't drink, * doesn't drive, * doesn't use a cell phone (well I only take a very old one because it's handy when I'm lost or something), * doesn't use FaceBook, * doesn't even like going on outings?
And I can add:
*doesn't drink coffee *doesn't like pizza *doesn't like adultish things
All my friends I made in person. How can I text, facebook, or whatever if I don't know them first to find out that information? Lol Sometimes people move as well, so facebook is a way of connecting with distant friends. c:
Also I just got my drivers license last year and I am 22...and I still have friends, haha
Are you talking about yourself? Even if all of those criteria are something that you think "prevents" someone from having friends, it is actually not true. I've had plenty of time where I invite friends over to my house and we just play video games most of the day. Although Facebook and a cell phone are key to keeping up communication, it is possible to still makes friends without them. Thought I highly recommend getting a phone though so that you ca text your friends to chat with them or see what they're doing so that they can hang out with you.
It's possible, sure. I don't really drink, and I don't use Facebook. I have plenty of friends.
If you want friends, though, you need to put in an effort. I knew this one girl in middle school who always complained about not having any friends, so my best friend and I invited her to come to the mall with us one weekend. She found a million excuses not to come. The only time she ever decided to take us up on our offer, she ended up calling her mum to come pick her up after about twenty minutes. I went to her house once, since I was invited, and I was expecting to walk around the neighborhood or go to the park, or something similar. What happened was that she sat on the computer for a few hours, and I sat on her bed and waited for time to be up so I could leave.
She wanted friends but never wanted to go anywhere or do anything to actually make and keep friends. If it involves leaving her house, it was out of the question. You need to get out and do things. Make an effort to have friends and spend time with them.
Aw that sounds sad. Maybe that girl's mum was worried and made her invite people? A little walk is harmless enough, and focusing on a machine when there's a human in the room is just rude. It was kind of you to invite her and go to her house
Yeah, it certainly didn't seem like she minded though. I try to be kind to everyone until they give me a reason not to c: but don't get down on yourself or anything. You'll find plenty of friends with similar interests soon! The friends you have to look hard for to find are some of the best once you do find them :3
I'm willing to bet it's the latter of the two. She always looked strange too, like she never washed her clothes or anything. I can't see why, though. She had a big house and nobody else in her family looked like that. I think she liked people making fun of her, because she was entirely unpleasant all the time and never once figured people would leave her alone if she stopped being so rude all the time. The one time she did hang out with me and my best friend, she insulted us the entire time. Even though we were the only people who even made an effort to be her friends, she still treated us terribly. She wasn't fun to be around at all.
It's entirely possible, but not having a facebook account or a cell phone nowadays makes communication a bit difficult. I find it harder to keep in touch with friends who do not check social media or their phones often, especially since I'm more inclined to text someone than call them directly on their cell or landline (a lot of that has to do with nerves, actually). Not going on outings makes things especially difficult, unless you enjoy spending time at your own house or someone else's. Also, substance use shouldn't be the staple of any healthy friendship; it should just be a fun thing that those who choose to partake can do occasionally.
If you don't mind my asking, what does calling someone directly have to do with nerves? I vaguely remember that there was a time before the texting era when vocal calls were more commonplace. Now many people seem to me to be scared of actually making a call, unless it's to someone they know very well. I'm curious: is it just a question of habit, is it a fear linked to hearing a person's voice without seeing their face, a fear of awkward silences? Or just because texts are quicker (I remember in high school, teenagers seemed to be terrified of calling someone's land line and have their friend's parents pick up. You'd think that family members had the power to kill them over the phone.)
I have a slight tinge of social anxiety that prevents me from dealing with people directly without nervousness getting in the way, so things like calling someone over a relatively small topic or just to say "hi" tend to freak me out a bit, especially if I don't know them well. And even if I do, it's still a bit weird. I use Skype on occasion and I hate doing voice/video calls with even close friends. It's just something I only do for long necessary talks or anything urgent. I'm not sure if it's really about a change in era, but I've gotten a lot more comfortable with calling people since I've actually worked on being a more social person.
And yeah, for me, BOTH hearing another voice and awkward silences are things I worry about. Sometimes that worry forces me to text, which can often be slower if one doesn't check their phone on time.
of course it's possible. Not everyone does or likes the same shit. I hate facebook, I use a cellphone but its a government phone so it's different. I can't drive anymore, disabled. I don't drink anymore because I hate it and it fucks with my medication. I don't care for outings either. I'd rather stay in my room and work on art or play the sims.
Sure it is possible, but there has to be some place where the two people meet. They can meet at for example, a study session. Or they could meet at a gaming session. Or they could be neighbors who visited eachother's houses.
Or they could be internet-friends, which is usually a bit of a shallower form of friendship.
The whole "disliking outings" seems a bit of a damper to me, but maybe you mean the kind of outings that are purely recreational? In order to be friends, you have to have some kind of contact with someone. It does not have to be recreational contact. It can be work-related, or volunteer-related, or related to some other community event.