"I know that some people have it definitely worse than I do"
I dunno. Kinda hard to come up with something worse. I decided to type this thing up one day. I can't come anywhere near the pain you're feeling but, I'm hoping it helps in some way, shape, or form. So, I'll save you the "it's a pernament solution to a temporary problem"(they might have a cure for it in the future) and the "loving yourself" crap and jump right in:
Everyone has a story. An experience, a situation. A time in their life that’s left an impact. My story is no different. It’s left scars, depressions, haunting memories. It left most of my childhood in ruins. Yet, it’s also left me with joy, hope, and peace in it’s wake. I’ll walk you through how I was committing suicide. You probably have heard stories about this from classmates, friends, possibly yourself. But, typically, people have these thoughts in Middle School or High School. In the teenager and up stage of life. Not me. I’m the exception. The scary part is, I had these thoughts in elementary school.
Starting in the first grade, I didn’t have the will to go on anymore. This happened way too early for a six-year-old to be thinking about suicide. But, I was glad I was so young. I didn't know where all the things that could kill a person were in the house, nor some of the different methods on how a person could die. So, I resorted to trying to starve myself to death. But I liked food, so that didn't work out. I would always resolve that I didn’t want to live anymore before I went to bed. I ate breakfast the next morning then, when I was putting away my bowl, I sighed and thought "back to square one". This is what my life was like for six years until Middle School came.
Before I went into junior high, I was put through testing. Turns out, I was diagnosed with PDD, a form of autism. I was put through program after program, meeting after meeting. I couldn’t even take any history for sixth grade or any electives for seventh and eighth. The different programs came first. Ancient egyptians, music class, and art had to be removed from my reach. They say that all these programs and meetings would help me. But, I felt like the only impact that it had on me was labeling me as not even a real person.
But, there were exceptions. Only one teacher, my resource(a lot like a study hall) teacher, treated me like I wasn’t diagnosed. She was the exception and I wished so badly that everyone else that I had to see would treat me the same way that she did. And the students I met in that class became forever friends. We bonded right off the bat because we knew each other’s pain. We became family, facing the cruel world together. And they taught me how to love life again. For the first time in years, I felt happy. I found many of my other talents with my new-found friends. Drawing, writing, animating, piano. Usually, I’d find these in electives, but with no electives, I had to compromise by using resource time to do them. I found things that I loved to do and things that made life worth living.
By the time freshman year came and I entered the big campus, I wouldn't trade my life for anything else. I felt like I really started to glow. I didn't wake up every morning, depressed. Wanting to waste away the days in my house forever. I woke up and greeted the new day. My life had purpose, now. I've never had a thought of suicide since.
So, I’m telling you now. Things will get better. The tunnel you walk through may be long and depressing, but there is always light at the end. There is always hope. Even if it seems like there is nothing more, nothing to look forward to, nothing good to wait for. There is hope left for you.
If you'd like, write out your story. I'd love to know your story.
sweetlove123Featured By OwnerJan 18, 2013Hobbyist Photographer
Look, girl.. It's not your fault nor your will to be born that way. You can't do anything but to live this one life. You can make your condition worse by complaining, or make it better by thinking of good thoughts. No matter how hard your life is, you can always find happiness. Why? Because happiness can be found within yourself, not without. Constantly think of good thoughts, keep on attracting love, courage and power. Good thoughts form motivation and energy for you to bring some good into this world.
We have little power over getting love, but great power over giving love.
If I sound absolutely vile, Im sorry in advance. If you take your own life, I will have no sympathy for you. Taking your life is like taking the easy road out. I find that it would be much more rewarding to look back on this part of your life when you're older and have the ability to say to yourself "Hey look at me, I didn't give up. I kept pushing forward and I can handle this."
I cannot help much more than that at this point. I'm not knowledgable in medical stuff so I'd take advice from the other DA members on that one.
To see what you're capable of, even with a disability? A disability is only something that makes life a bit harder to cope with, not impossible. You could have a weak body, yet a very strong mind, and you could be an inspiration for many people around you. Don't focus on what you cannot do. Focus on what you can! You might have to lower your standards compared to what society wants you to think... but who cares? Life is not about pleasing others. It's about finding your own happiness.
I've been diagnosed with a condition that brings weak muscles and everything that goes with it. From not being able to do normal things (because I lack strength) to constant inflammations of joins, which are -needless to say- terribly painful. I will never be free of pain. Not even painkillers will help me with that. I need to visit a doctor frequently and I need about 6 hours of physical training a week to at least make me able to do stuff. And you know what... at a certain point I just stopped caring about what people thought was 'normal', and set my own standards. I might be limited in movement, yet I have a clear mind. My imagination is endless. I have a few good friends. I get involved in drawing communities where, even if I can't always draw, I'm appreciated for my mindset and knowledge. I know very well that I could never live a life by normal standards, yet I'm probably stronger that most normal people, because I've been through hell and back. I don't get depressed over simple things anymore. I don't crave materialism, because I know there are things that are more worthwhile than money and status. And I'm able to be happy with simple things
You remind me of a guy I knew with an uncurable illness who most likely won't make it to 30 years old. Except he would make jokes about it saying he already lived more than half of his life. Just like him you are talented as hell and probably deserves better then your condition, but you know what? if you didn't went trough what you went you would be a totaly different person, your identity is the thing nothing should take away, it grows stronger with every obstacles you encounter. I don't know if this helps you in anyway, I just hopes it makes you feel a little better.
Ha, it's interesting. I don't have a debilitating illness (unless you count a minor mental one) and yet it seems that I thought along the same lines as you at an age close to yours.
The value of human life is not based on what it is capable of doing or it's apparent 'contribution' to society. The value of human life is something invisible, and yet very evident to someone who looks at things with the eyes of the heart.
But to give you more specific examples, let me say, that your presence and what you accomplish in this world can make the difference between a terrible life and a good life for another human being, even for many human beings. There may be someone out there waiting to be your friend, a lonely person, who without you will walk the paths of despair to their bitter end. There may be someone out there who feels hopeless, who has less of a disability than you but still feels even worse than you do (those with less problems are often more bitter than those with more) who, upon viewing your efforts and your beautiful art (or something else you create in your life) will realize that they are capable of doing something in their life.
basically you and all of your hopes and desires are of immeasurable worth, because you are a human being, and that is something to be.
so act with dignity knowing that you, and everything in your heart is so valuable.
in addition, notwithstanding all that, I will also add that there have been countless people with serious debilitating illnesses, psychological issues, great pain, etc. who have gone on to accomplish a great deal in their life.
work hard at what you`re good at my dear. I`ve had chronic stomach pain quite a long while, and none of the doctors can figure why. Your situation seems more serious, but remember, only those disabilities you create for yourself really exist. Do you like writing? Reading? Read something everytime you feel sad. Work hard to achieve your dream, and keep healthy. And we can be friends c: So I can help you along there!
You asked, "Why should I bother continuing with my life?" I'll give you an answer. Because you were given one. It is your life and all, but you have absolutely no right to throw it away. I understand that your pain is very intense and it's pretty obvious now that that pain is affecting the way you think and is making you view more of the negative things in life.
But so what? That doesn't give you an excuse to kill yourself. Think about everything this way: you're playing a video game, just like everyone else...but you're playing it in Hard Mode. With added Status Ailments. It's okay to talk about it. It's okay to vent and let it all out. But do you really think suicide is an acceptable solution? Do you think all your problems will be solved by running away? Do you think your pain will be gone by dying?
You know what? Don't let the pain and your suffering get the better of yourself. Dude, other people are fighting and fighting just to breathe. Others want to live, but they die. Others have 78 times worse lives than you have. You have been entitled a life. And you have an obligation to continue it, and make the most out of it. It doesn't matter how much pain or suffering you're in.
Make yourself happy. Distract yourself from the pain you feel.
spensethefenceFeatured By OwnerJan 16, 2013Student Digital Artist
There won't be any continuing. I probably can't go to college, and for the most part I'll be stuck at y dad's my entire life. That doesn't feel very continuous to me. And I was never referring to suicide, I was actually asking why I should keep working so hard for a dream that won't happen. My fault there, I didn't specify that at all.
It doesn't matter whether it's your dream or your life you want to continue. Without faith, without dreams, without hopes, how the hell can you live. You have a dream. Even if you think it's pointless if you continue working on it then it will definitely come true. I wouldn't give up my dreams, unless it's dragging me down a lot in every single way. Ok....you think your life isn't that great...others have worse... why would you say your dream won't happen? Did you time-travel to the future and saw that it was broken? I don't think so. So what if life doesn't feel continuous to you? Life is what you make it, bro. Whether you live a happy life or a miserable one, it's completely up to you. Peace.
I've literally spent my entire life living with a death sentence; it's just a matter of time before my heart either speeds up fast enough to burst or slows down to the point that I start losing the ability to function.
Let me put it this way. If you give up you can just sit there and complain about how hard it is, all that time your fussing you could had spent making a difference. If you kill yourself you'll be entering a world of unconscious darkness of there is no escape once you enter. All the things in life, the beautiful sky, smell of fresh air, the bright colors, eating good food, speaking with people and befriending them, once you die, you can kiss all of that goodbye. You have to ask yourself is that really what you want, to throw it all away, just for something small like an illness. Yeah it's rough, I have my share of illnesses as well, but that's never held me back from doing amazing things. If one thing doesn't work, do it in a different way have you thought about that. It seems that at the age your at now it seems you want a lot and don't want to wait for things to get better, that's probably what it is isn't it, you want everything in a hurry but don't want to wait so you want to kill yourself because it's not coming quick enough. See that's the thing, it was going to come but you want to be all fast. You have no idea what life is going to be like in ten years or even one or two. Ultimately you have to discipline yourself in the art of patients and waiting things out.
This wasn't intended on sounding negative, I just find it disturbing that teens would want a permanent solution to a temporary problem without wanting to work through it. They want a quick fix solution to what ails them and if there isn't they want to give up when things get to hard, and that's not right:/
When I was your age I had similar issues. No friends, family, real teachers or anyone else to teach me about life or show me a better way, and yes I was very suicidal as that seemed to literally be my only option. Well, today I'm in my late twenties and I can definitely tell you life gets a lot better if you stick out for the long run. Though things seem difficult to work with, it's only like that if you fight against it. Best thing you can do is...go with the flow that's right, sometimes it's best to let life take it's natural course. You may not agree with it and maybe it is wrong, but the more you fight against things, the more it fights back. There are times where you just have to let go, not necessarily give up, but just let things work on their own. It sounds silly but you'd be surprise on how things can work. That's what I did, stopped fighting things and let them work themselves out, I mean it's still not perfect but it get's a lot better
Also, just because no one showed or told you of a better way doesn't mean that there is none for you. You have to decide your own future, regardless of who gives you options. If your around a bad environment, you can still distance yourself from it and stay true to who you are, and not succumb to the wrong that's around you, if your will is strong enough of course. If you weren't strong enough to work with a situation then it would had never came to you so your already strong enough to shape your own future regardless of who's not helping you or who's telling you wrong. Feel better now
I don't mean to pry, but does the condition happen to be arthritis? Because I have that too, and I'm 15. It sucks, but I've learned to live with it. I've had it since I was three. I've had to quit gymnastics, basketball, tennis, and cross country, among other things. Don't give up, okay? Because there are others out there with pretty bad conditions. People who have been bullied. People who don't know how to talk to people. People who can't make themselves normal. Trust me, I am one- but the few times I have had suicidal thoughts, or the many times I've had pessimistic thoughts, I squish them down with these thoughts: There's someone out there who is going to be my best friend. I just need to find them. There's someone I'm going to save. I just need to find them. There's someone who is going to rely on me. I just need to find them. There's something I need to do. There's something I need to finish. I can't leave my life unfinished, and I won't let myself think that way.
spensethefenceFeatured By OwnerJan 15, 2013Student Digital Artist
I think this was exactly what I needed to hear. I actually have interstitial cystitis with other various complications, but my mother has arthritis as well so I am aware of the struggles. And I really hope that all that can happen for me too.
If you wanna slit your gillet then the choice is yours, friend. However maybe it would be in your best interest to take some time to befriend people who have already gone through the process and are contentedly living in such a condition already, do some research on historical paraplegic individuals who were successful and productive in life, etc.