"I know that some people have it definitely worse than I do"
I dunno. Kinda hard to come up with something worse. I decided to type this thing up one day. I can't come anywhere near the pain you're feeling but, I'm hoping it helps in some way, shape, or form. So, I'll save you the "it's a pernament solution to a temporary problem"(they might have a cure for it in the future) and the "loving yourself" crap and jump right in:
Everyone has a story. An experience, a situation. A time in their life that’s left an impact. My story is no different. It’s left scars, depressions, haunting memories. It left most of my childhood in ruins. Yet, it’s also left me with joy, hope, and peace in it’s wake. I’ll walk you through how I was committing suicide. You probably have heard stories about this from classmates, friends, possibly yourself. But, typically, people have these thoughts in Middle School or High School. In the teenager and up stage of life. Not me. I’m the exception. The scary part is, I had these thoughts in elementary school.
Starting in the first grade, I didn’t have the will to go on anymore. This happened way too early for a six-year-old to be thinking about suicide. But, I was glad I was so young. I didn't know where all the things that could kill a person were in the house, nor some of the different methods on how a person could die. So, I resorted to trying to starve myself to death. But I liked food, so that didn't work out. I would always resolve that I didn’t want to live anymore before I went to bed. I ate breakfast the next morning then, when I was putting away my bowl, I sighed and thought "back to square one". This is what my life was like for six years until Middle School came.
Before I went into junior high, I was put through testing. Turns out, I was diagnosed with PDD, a form of autism. I was put through program after program, meeting after meeting. I couldn’t even take any history for sixth grade or any electives for seventh and eighth. The different programs came first. Ancient egyptians, music class, and art had to be removed from my reach. They say that all these programs and meetings would help me. But, I felt like the only impact that it had on me was labeling me as not even a real person.
But, there were exceptions. Only one teacher, my resource(a lot like a study hall) teacher, treated me like I wasn’t diagnosed. She was the exception and I wished so badly that everyone else that I had to see would treat me the same way that she did. And the students I met in that class became forever friends. We bonded right off the bat because we knew each other’s pain. We became family, facing the cruel world together. And they taught me how to love life again. For the first time in years, I felt happy. I found many of my other talents with my new-found friends. Drawing, writing, animating, piano. Usually, I’d find these in electives, but with no electives, I had to compromise by using resource time to do them. I found things that I loved to do and things that made life worth living.
By the time freshman year came and I entered the big campus, I wouldn't trade my life for anything else. I felt like I really started to glow. I didn't wake up every morning, depressed. Wanting to waste away the days in my house forever. I woke up and greeted the new day. My life had purpose, now. I've never had a thought of suicide since.
So, I’m telling you now. Things will get better. The tunnel you walk through may be long and depressing, but there is always light at the end. There is always hope. Even if it seems like there is nothing more, nothing to look forward to, nothing good to wait for. There is hope left for you.
If you'd like, write out your story. I'd love to know your story.
sweetlove123Featured By OwnerJan 18, 2013Hobbyist Photographer
Look, girl.. It's not your fault nor your will to be born that way. You can't do anything but to live this one life. You can make your condition worse by complaining, or make it better by thinking of good thoughts. No matter how hard your life is, you can always find happiness. Why? Because happiness can be found within yourself, not without. Constantly think of good thoughts, keep on attracting love, courage and power. Good thoughts form motivation and energy for you to bring some good into this world.
We have little power over getting love, but great power over giving love.
If I sound absolutely vile, Im sorry in advance. If you take your own life, I will have no sympathy for you. Taking your life is like taking the easy road out. I find that it would be much more rewarding to look back on this part of your life when you're older and have the ability to say to yourself "Hey look at me, I didn't give up. I kept pushing forward and I can handle this."
I cannot help much more than that at this point. I'm not knowledgable in medical stuff so I'd take advice from the other DA members on that one.
To see what you're capable of, even with a disability? A disability is only something that makes life a bit harder to cope with, not impossible. You could have a weak body, yet a very strong mind, and you could be an inspiration for many people around you. Don't focus on what you cannot do. Focus on what you can! You might have to lower your standards compared to what society wants you to think... but who cares? Life is not about pleasing others. It's about finding your own happiness.
I've been diagnosed with a condition that brings weak muscles and everything that goes with it. From not being able to do normal things (because I lack strength) to constant inflammations of joins, which are -needless to say- terribly painful. I will never be free of pain. Not even painkillers will help me with that. I need to visit a doctor frequently and I need about 6 hours of physical training a week to at least make me able to do stuff. And you know what... at a certain point I just stopped caring about what people thought was 'normal', and set my own standards. I might be limited in movement, yet I have a clear mind. My imagination is endless. I have a few good friends. I get involved in drawing communities where, even if I can't always draw, I'm appreciated for my mindset and knowledge. I know very well that I could never live a life by normal standards, yet I'm probably stronger that most normal people, because I've been through hell and back. I don't get depressed over simple things anymore. I don't crave materialism, because I know there are things that are more worthwhile than money and status. And I'm able to be happy with simple things
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Endorell-Taelos is very well known within the community for her selfless giving and gracious community spirit. Since joining DeviantART over seven years ago, Alicia has continued to make a positive impact on many deviants. Her helpful and thoughtful approach was one of her finest attributes when serving as a Community Volunteer, and this has continued throughout the many contests which Alicia provides on a regular basis. As we approach our Birthday celebrations, we can't... Read More