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January 15, 2013
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I can't talk to my boyfriend. What do?

:iconthewingedboggart:
TheWingedBoggart Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Professional Artisan Crafter
we've been together for two years, I am 23 and he is 21. We've been woking on various things with eachother for most of the time.
I just feel like he doesn't want to put work into our relationship anymore.
It's like he feels he's already done enough, and all the rest is up to me.

But i am fucking TIRED of being the fixer and having to do all the work, and having to be perfect and make sure I don't fuck anything up myself, because GOD KNOWS I'll never hear the fucking end of it. How many times am I supposed to forgive him for doing the same shit over and over? When I barely get a "Good Job" for all that I do?

I use soft language, "feeling" terms, I give him credit and I don't use absolutes, I try to take my share of the blame, I apologize correctly, I try to anticipate his needs- hookah, food, drinks, clothes, serving him.

Any time I try to talk him I have to deal with him blowing up and being hurtful and negating my emotions and telling me I'm wrong or him just full on shutting down on me.

Sometimes he's so wonderful and cute and sweet, but it's like those times are farther apart these days. I am tired of going to bed angry, staying up crying, feeling like he doesnt give a shit about me.

what do I do now?
Is there anything else I can do to make things better, or what? Am I doing something wrong still?
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Devious Comments

:iconhotpopcorn:
hotpopcorn Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2013
Wow your good girl friend, you can't blame yourself He just looking for you to end it.
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:iconthewingedboggart:
TheWingedBoggart Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2013  Professional Artisan Crafter
We fixed stuff already, but thank you
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:iconhotpopcorn:
hotpopcorn Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2013
your welcome then and i hope things go well with you.
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:iconthewingedboggart:
TheWingedBoggart Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2013  Professional Artisan Crafter
thank you =]
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:iconhotpopcorn:
hotpopcorn Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2013
:)
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:iconsiantjudas:
siantjudas Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2013   Digital Artist
Move on. If you can't talk, collapse will follow. You'll drag on in this slightly abusive relationship for longer than you should have, not accepting it until it gets to the point that you're almost never happy, just wasting everyone's time.

If he puts no effort into the relationship then he doesn't care about you and is just using you. Effort never stops, no matter how long you've been together.
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:iconthewingedboggart:
TheWingedBoggart Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2013  Professional Artisan Crafter
I poured all of my thoughts and feels out and made it very clear that unless some serious change goes down, i'm not sticking around. We've planned out that I'm going to spend more time away and he is going to treat me like the totally awesome person I am. Lovin' ain't easy, and everything takes work.

You just have to find what you enjoy working for.
And he's said he's sorry and has been making the effort now.

Thank you for your weigh-in. Although I'm surprised how everyone's jumped to my side? like, what If i'm the crazy one? They only know my side of it.
But I asked him what his biggest problems were with me, and he said "I dont want to talk about problems anymore, I love you with all my heart and I love you more than the biggest problem I have with you, I'm going to do better"

Everyone's got their issues, y'know?
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:iconsiantjudas:
siantjudas Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2013   Digital Artist
Well for me, I've been him. And I know that it isn't you.
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:iconthewingedboggart:
TheWingedBoggart Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2013  Professional Artisan Crafter
It is very refreshing to know I'm not crazy about it all. I often feel like I'm asking too much. I know that I am pretty demanding, but I swear I give as good or better than I get. And hey, now that you know, when the next lady comes along and wants to be good to you you'll work at earning it and being good too. Appreciation means a lot in a relationship. It's the worst feeling to be breaking your back and bending over backwards for someone who is totally blind to it.

I feel like taking some responsibility because hey, if a kid is spoiled, it's not the kids fault. It's the parents' fault. People will do whatever they can comfortably get away with. People have to be taught.
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:iconanazei:
anazei Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2013  Professional Interface Designer
yeah, I recognize this situation. He's taking you for granted. I know because I was like that too once. But then my girlfriend broke up with me.

My ex-girlfriend kind of spoiled me too and the princely treatment she gave me made feel too comfortable with what I said around her and such. I was less mature then.

It took about six months before it finally dawned on me what I had thrown away before I finally started to appreciate her long after she had broken up with me.

Anyways, he's 21 and he doesn't quite see the overall big picture and have enough life experience to appreciate more things in life. These things happen, it's just life.

There's really no solution for this type of situation except to spend some time apart in my opinion.
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:iconthewingedboggart:
TheWingedBoggart Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2013  Professional Artisan Crafter
Yeah thats what we're going to do. I'm going to spend more time away and let him have to do stuff for himself.
I really like spoiling my partner, but, I can't do that without them earning it first. I've spoiled ex's too.


SO, I need to hold him more accountable for his shit, which I am doing, and stop giving so much, which I am also doing.
We had a huuuuge huge talk-it-out and I'm stickin' to my guns about spending some time away, even though, nooow, he doesn't want me too.
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:iconthewingedboggart:
TheWingedBoggart Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Professional Artisan Crafter
We spent a good 3 hours talking about everything. i'm going to spend some time away from him, and he's going to work a lot harder at treating me with respect and appreciation. He apologized for being an asshat. We got a friend of ours to mediate for us too.
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:iconmonkeydoodles:
monkeydoodles Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013
Your relationship is dead. Your best bet is to get out.
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:iconstarlit-sorceress:
Starlit-Sorceress Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Professional Artisan Crafter
Be honest and open with him about how you feel. If you don't come to a conclusion you're both happy with, find a neutral third party to mediate your discussions. If I was in your situation, I would find a pastor or other church official because they're usually nice, reasonable people.
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:icondiglette:
Diglette Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
To make it very simple, you have three options:

Learn to tolerate it.

Find a way to communicate and get on the same page.

Get out of the relationship.

It sounds like one is not happening, and two isn't working so far. Have you tried talking to him and just listening? You might not get any further communicating what you want to tell him, but you will understand his perspective at least a little better, which can only help you both.
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:iconebolabears:
EbolaBears Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013
If you haven't figured out that it's time to leave and find someone who appreciates you and actually wants to share life with you....then you need to just suffer some more until it sinks in the relationship is done.

You're the only one doing 'the work', when pressed the man gets upset and venomous, you go to bed angry or crying.

Just how many more signs do you need?

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:iconretkikosmos:
RetkiKosmos Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Professional General Artist
I recently got out of a relationship like this
It's all nice and well when he's good to go but that seems to all go way when he disrespects you or hurts you, that's emotional abuse

A relationship needs equal effort on both sides, I know you are trying your hardest, but if he doesn't do the same for you in return, you will never be happy with him, please don't put yourself through this anymore, being on your own and being happy is more important than having a boyfriend that makes you unhappy
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:iconmizzluna92:
MizzLuna92 Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013
Let me say this. NO MAN deserves being served like that. HELL NO. Okay. I hate to sound like a feminist but still. You deserve better. No do not get counseling, waste of money for a bf/gf relationship. just break it apart. You can get a whole lot better hun. My longest relationship was 5-6 years. and we broke up because he was being clingy. Get yourself better. seriously.
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:iconprosaix:
prosaix Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013
How clingy!
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:iconthewingedboggart:
TheWingedBoggart Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Professional Artisan Crafter
Ikr.
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:iconmorthax:
Morthax Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
You are not a servant, you are supposed to be his girlfriend who he SHOULD treat with respect and love. I suggest you dump the idiot.
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:iconfelissauria:
Felissauria Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
"Serving him"

Unless you're being paid at a business to do this, DON'T DO THIS.

He's using and abusing you. Dump the fuck.
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:iconbullet-magnet:
Bullet-Magnet Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013
Volume is key. Invest in a megaphone.
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:iconthewingedboggart:
TheWingedBoggart Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Professional Artisan Crafter
A megaphone, you say? Would they have one to match my whip?
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:iconbullet-magnet:
Bullet-Magnet Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013
I don't think they do BDSM megaphones, since ear pain isn't a major feature in that scene. You might have better luck finding a new whip that matches your new megaphone, for some reason.
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:iconthewingedboggart:
TheWingedBoggart Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Professional Artisan Crafter
Lol.
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:iconml4p:
ML4P Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Win
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:icondutchconnaisseur:
DutchConnaisseur Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013
:D
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:iconpuppy-dangerous:
puppy-dangerous Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Professional Artisan Crafter
This is him taking advantage of you.

Time for him to shape up. Stop being nice. Tell him what you need him to do, and if he doesn't do it, kick his butt out.

Yep, it sucks. But you can't just go around walking on eggshells trying to make him happy at your expense. Relationships are two-way. If he isn't giving, he doesn't get either.
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:iconsvataben:
Svataben Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
You stop.

Stop being this overly attentive doormat, who takes all his crap and rewards him for it.
It's make or break time. Two years in is often that time. Ask yourself: Can I live the rest of my life like this? If not, stop.

He can't lose right now. The more horrible he gets, the more perfect you get to please him. Show him that you are as worthy of a person as he is. That you deserve respect too. And be ready to lose him, because he might not ever change.

So yeah: Will you live like this for the rest of your life?




Oh, and whoever says you can't let the sun go down on an argument is wrong. Sometimes it's best to just go to bed, and then discuss in the morning when you're rested and not so acutely angry.
But not if it is all the time, of course.
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:iconk-koji:
K-Koji Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013
Well, first I'd ignore the advertisement below this comment...

If you have to work this hard at 23 years old for this guy to treat you decently, then I'd get out. If he's acting like this now, it will not get any better with time. Can you imagine feeling this way in 5 years, or 10 years? It will only get worse unless he acknowledges he isn't giving you what you need, and makes efforts to change it. So many people suggest that women should manipulate their relationships to "get what they want", but that's not realistic , nor does it feel very good to have to be conniving and calculated, employing weird strategies and mind games like your b/f's some kind of lab rat just to feel like you're wanted or valued by a person that's supposed to be your partner.
You have to really reflect and think to yourself; is having this person in my life enhancing it? Is my life better, happier with him in it? Or is it the opposite? Life is too short to keep people in your life that do nothing but drag you down. You deserve to have a true partner in life, and you deserve to have your feelings addressed every bit as much as he does.
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:iconeuterpe-the-egret:
Euterpe-The-Egret Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Student Traditional Artist
:nod: Very true.
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:icongragonwings:
Gragonwings Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013
Here is something I have found as good advise. Look up Roir Raye. I get her email when ever she sends them and she ha great dating advice. Here is one I think is relevant to you. Also, i just copied and pasted so this is her's word for word. I calm nothing of it. I hope it helps! ->


If you're finding yourself wanting MORE from a man (even on a first date), and everything you've tried seemed to backfire on you - you are SO not alone...

More could mean:

You want him to pay more attention to you, call you more, make more dates, spend more time
You want him to give you more gifts, more and better sex, more affection
You want more commitment
It can mean you want more of anything that feels important to you - now or in the future.

So, how do you ask a man for MORE without making him feel defensive (as though you're accusing him of giving you too little, (which you actually, really are!) - and get what you want?

The Words That Will Get Him To Turn Around And Step Up


If you're feeling frustrated by a man who does the exact opposite of what you want him to do, who doesn't hear you at all, doesn't even seem to WANT to listen to what you have to say or adjust his behavior to make you happier - I can help.

My Love Scripts program is all about how to get MORE from a man - even from the first time you meet him. Check out Love Scripts online right here (it's completely guaranteed, so there's no risk at all for you...):

Feel Completely Adored
The "More" Tool: 5 Steps To Getting What You Need From Him

There are so many possible "scripts" to say to a man (they're all in my Love Scripts program), and so many possible things you can be feeling that you'll need to express in order to get what you need from him - so let's make it a simple 5 Steps:

Step 1: Get Grounded

Start by sitting down with yourself, breathing on purpose to calm your mind, to get a little clearer about what you want to do here.
Put your feet on the floor, and feel your toes (even through shoes) making contact with the "ground."
Make sure you can give yourself as much time as you need for this so you don't feel rushed.

Also, be VERY aware of the Nasty Voices in your head that keep judging you for even spending time on yourself this way (if you don't make yourself "valuable" to yourself - it'll be way harder to get valued by a man...)

Step 2: Make A List

Write down all the things you want MORE of.

This step is important: Leave LOTS of room down the page for each item, because you're going to be writing scripts around each one - you can even use a whole side of a sheet of paper for each item...

Get started by writing down whatever comes to you. Whatever you're angry at, whatever you feel he's giving you too LITTLE of:

If it's "not enough" calls and contact, write that down any way you can.
If it's affection and sex - write that down any way you feel it.
For each item, write down how you FEEL about this "lack" of something, or "longing for more of something."

(It's okay for now if your language isn't in the "Rori Raye Feeling Message" style, even if it's blaming him or yourself. The important thing is to just get it out and down on paper.

The IMPORTANT thing here is for you to actually get truly honest with yourself about what you WANT and what you're missing, and what you want MORE of.

Now...

Step 3: Start TRANSLATING

This step is still just for you - right now we're just getting prepared to speak to an in-the-flesh man by getting some personal scripts going. Scripts that will WORK instead of drive him further away and get you even LESS of what you want.

Here's how you TRANSLATE:

Take each item, each bit of writing you've done around it, and consider it the "starter" of the script.
Rewrite it by taking out every single "you" in what you've written, and change every action word from something he did or didn't do to something you feel.
That could look like: "You never call me!" turned to: "I feel better when I get called." Or, "I feel good when I hear your voice."

It could look like: "You never want to have sex anymore!" turned to: "It would feel good to have sex with you," or, "It would feel good to feel your naked body next to mine," or, "It would feel good to have more sex..."

After you've gone through your entire list, and turned everything from an angry accusation or judgment to a pure expression of what would feel good to you - you have the beginnings of a real script for each thing you want MORE of!

Step 4: Now PRACTICE

Face a mirror and practice saying the script for each item on your list to yourself in the mirror.
While you're speaking out loud to yourself in the mirror - tilt your body backwards a bit (away from the mirror), and focus your attention on "tracking" the tension and sensations your body's feeling.
That could look like making sure your shoulders are relaxed...and your arms are hanging down by your sides with your palms turned outward toward yourself in the mirror.
Position yourself in the room as though he's standing about five feet from you, in an imaginary situation that feels familiar to you.
Practice breathing and relaxing your body while you speak to him. Practice leaning back with your body slightly tilted away from him, practice breathing while you imagine what he's saying back to you.
Now practice responding to what ever you're imagining he's saying to you. (Amazingly, once you begin doing this you'll notice that you really can predict exactly what he's going to say!)
He most often says exactly the same thing. Over and over and over again. And you are most likely thinking and saying the same things over and over again, too.
So what's going to happen here? Something different! So...

Step 5: Be Surprised!

You're going to say something different, and he's going to respond slightly differently.

And even if he doesn't - if he says the same thing he always says, or gets defensive the way he always does - you'll have a script to speak to him no matter WHAT he says!

How to do this?

For each item on your list, after your "starting script" - write a "follow-up script." In other words write a "Round Two" response to him. (I explain and demonstrate "Rounds" completely in my Love Scripts online video program)

The magic of this is that even if you try it once - just once - you're going to experience a completely different outcome. Also, you're going to feel so much more confident.

Now here's the wrap up of this whole thing:

Heart Connection Key: Bookend The Script

This "bookend" is like a script all by itself. You "wrap" your request for more inside it.

It starts with appreciation and it ends with you asking him, in a non-pressured way, to connect with you - because this is how you truly engage him, create safety, and set it up so that he WANTS to please you.

So start like this: "Thank you."

Yup, I want you to thank him for something. Even though you may feel angry with him and frustrated and scared to be opening up this can of worms, start with an appreciation.

Start with thanking him for just listening to you. Or for working so hard if he's focused on work and bringing in money these days.
Start with a thank you for listening even if he's NOT listening.
Find something to thank him for that you really truly do feel appreciative of.
Now, after the "bookend" of the "Thank you" - you say your very short feeling sentence and then: You end your little script with the "bookend": "What do you think?"

The Right Script For EVERY Situation

I know there's so much more to this. That's why I created my Love Scripts program. There's hardly anything you could want "more" of from a man that isn't already in the program - ready for you to use right NOW.

So, Love Scripts is essentially a big "cheat sheet" for you! You can even download the included Love Scripts written material, print it out and carry it with you - so you ALWAYS have a cheat sheet when you need it. This way, anytime you don't know exactly what to say - just look it up and speak it right off the page!

To check out Love Scripts for yourself, and see how much it can help you immediately - just go here:

Speak Your Heart

I'd love to read your personal scripts... so let me know how Love Scripts changes your life and gets you so much MORE from every man you meet and love.

Love, Rori
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:iconrocklou:
RockLou Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
The only fault of yours seems to be getting together with a lazy, stupid slob.
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:icondutchconnaisseur:
DutchConnaisseur Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013
If you can't talk, break up and move on.
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:iconsolum-ipsum:
Solum-Ipsum Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Who said you should overlook your partner's faults? I think it's your responsibility to have expectations for him and compel him to better himself.

The situation resembles that of the Beauty and the Beast from folklore. You should be crafty, and use your womanly wits to tame the beast, so that the man you love would return. Lure him out with the prospect of a reward, shoo away his monster with shame.

Of course, this is my opinion, mostly based on my traditional values. I still hope things work out for you.
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:iconthewingedboggart:
TheWingedBoggart Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Professional Artisan Crafter
i like to think in a good relationship both people will help eachother be the best they can be.
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:iconsolum-ipsum:
Solum-Ipsum Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I totally agree!
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:iconsimplylemie:
SimplyLemie Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013
If the communication doesn't work in your relationship the best thing is to move on.

Have a serious "this doesn't work" conversation, make him listen and give his view, and if things doesn't get better, there is no reason to stick in a bad relationship.
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:iconjessaflux:
JessaFlux Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013   Photographer
If you both let the sun go down on your anger without resolving issues then it is bad. Communication is the key. From what you say it seems like the "Thrill is gone". You may not be married but I would suggest the equivalent of marriage counseling for both of you. If you can't get these issues resolved then you may as well pack it up as your relationship will no longer work.
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:iconthewingedboggart:
TheWingedBoggart Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Professional Artisan Crafter
God it does feel like being married.
Like i'm a bitter 40 yr old married to someone with as much distaste for me as I have for them.

So, I tell him we get counseling or we part?

I feel like I spoiled him by doing what I do.
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:iconeuterpe-the-egret:
Euterpe-The-Egret Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Student Traditional Artist
I'd part. If you aren't happy 2 years into it and having this many problems with communication, I don't see it going any better.
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:iconcherylblanche:
CherylBlanche Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013
If you're just plain disgusted with each other, let it go. Everything you're doing is out of being uncomfortable with being single, rather than leaving him in itself apparently.
Anything else I'd like to mention was already mentioned by others: K-Koji, Morthax, Felissaurus, puppy-dangerous, Svataben.
Just consider that you could both get someone you can actually get along with without having to make a big effort in it. This means you're not compatible.
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