Move on. If you can't talk, collapse will follow. You'll drag on in this slightly abusive relationship for longer than you should have, not accepting it until it gets to the point that you're almost never happy, just wasting everyone's time.
If he puts no effort into the relationship then he doesn't care about you and is just using you. Effort never stops, no matter how long you've been together.
I poured all of my thoughts and feels out and made it very clear that unless some serious change goes down, i'm not sticking around. We've planned out that I'm going to spend more time away and he is going to treat me like the totally awesome person I am. Lovin' ain't easy, and everything takes work.
You just have to find what you enjoy working for. And he's said he's sorry and has been making the effort now.
Thank you for your weigh-in. Although I'm surprised how everyone's jumped to my side? like, what If i'm the crazy one? They only know my side of it. But I asked him what his biggest problems were with me, and he said "I dont want to talk about problems anymore, I love you with all my heart and I love you more than the biggest problem I have with you, I'm going to do better"
It is very refreshing to know I'm not crazy about it all. I often feel like I'm asking too much. I know that I am pretty demanding, but I swear I give as good or better than I get. And hey, now that you know, when the next lady comes along and wants to be good to you you'll work at earning it and being good too. Appreciation means a lot in a relationship. It's the worst feeling to be breaking your back and bending over backwards for someone who is totally blind to it.
I feel like taking some responsibility because hey, if a kid is spoiled, it's not the kids fault. It's the parents' fault. People will do whatever they can comfortably get away with. People have to be taught.
Yeah thats what we're going to do. I'm going to spend more time away and let him have to do stuff for himself. I really like spoiling my partner, but, I can't do that without them earning it first. I've spoiled ex's too.
SO, I need to hold him more accountable for his shit, which I am doing, and stop giving so much, which I am also doing. We had a huuuuge huge talk-it-out and I'm stickin' to my guns about spending some time away, even though, nooow, he doesn't want me too.
We spent a good 3 hours talking about everything. i'm going to spend some time away from him, and he's going to work a lot harder at treating me with respect and appreciation. He apologized for being an asshat. We got a friend of ours to mediate for us too.
Be honest and open with him about how you feel. If you don't come to a conclusion you're both happy with, find a neutral third party to mediate your discussions. If I was in your situation, I would find a pastor or other church official because they're usually nice, reasonable people.
Find a way to communicate and get on the same page.
Get out of the relationship.
It sounds like one is not happening, and two isn't working so far. Have you tried talking to him and just listening? You might not get any further communicating what you want to tell him, but you will understand his perspective at least a little better, which can only help you both.
If you haven't figured out that it's time to leave and find someone who appreciates you and actually wants to share life with you....then you need to just suffer some more until it sinks in the relationship is done.
You're the only one doing 'the work', when pressed the man gets upset and venomous, you go to bed angry or crying.
I recently got out of a relationship like this It's all nice and well when he's good to go but that seems to all go way when he disrespects you or hurts you, that's emotional abuse
A relationship needs equal effort on both sides, I know you are trying your hardest, but if he doesn't do the same for you in return, you will never be happy with him, please don't put yourself through this anymore, being on your own and being happy is more important than having a boyfriend that makes you unhappy
Let me say this. NO MAN deserves being served like that. HELL NO. Okay. I hate to sound like a feminist but still. You deserve better. No do not get counseling, waste of money for a bf/gf relationship. just break it apart. You can get a whole lot better hun. My longest relationship was 5-6 years. and we broke up because he was being clingy. Get yourself better. seriously.
Stop being this overly attentive doormat, who takes all his crap and rewards him for it. It's make or break time. Two years in is often that time. Ask yourself: Can I live the rest of my life like this? If not, stop.
He can't lose right now. The more horrible he gets, the more perfect you get to please him. Show him that you are as worthy of a person as he is. That you deserve respect too. And be ready to lose him, because he might not ever change.
So yeah: Will you live like this for the rest of your life?
Oh, and whoever says you can't let the sun go down on an argument is wrong. Sometimes it's best to just go to bed, and then discuss in the morning when you're rested and not so acutely angry. But not if it is all the time, of course.
Well, first I'd ignore the advertisement below this comment...
If you have to work this hard at 23 years old for this guy to treat you decently, then I'd get out. If he's acting like this now, it will not get any better with time. Can you imagine feeling this way in 5 years, or 10 years? It will only get worse unless he acknowledges he isn't giving you what you need, and makes efforts to change it. So many people suggest that women should manipulate their relationships to "get what they want", but that's not realistic , nor does it feel very good to have to be conniving and calculated, employing weird strategies and mind games like your b/f's some kind of lab rat just to feel like you're wanted or valued by a person that's supposed to be your partner. You have to really reflect and think to yourself; is having this person in my life enhancing it? Is my life better, happier with him in it? Or is it the opposite? Life is too short to keep people in your life that do nothing but drag you down. You deserve to have a true partner in life, and you deserve to have your feelings addressed every bit as much as he does.
Here is something I have found as good advise. Look up Roir Raye. I get her email when ever she sends them and she ha great dating advice. Here is one I think is relevant to you. Also, i just copied and pasted so this is her's word for word. I calm nothing of it. I hope it helps! ->
If you're finding yourself wanting MORE from a man (even on a first date), and everything you've tried seemed to backfire on you - you are SO not alone...
More could mean:
You want him to pay more attention to you, call you more, make more dates, spend more time You want him to give you more gifts, more and better sex, more affection You want more commitment It can mean you want more of anything that feels important to you - now or in the future.
So, how do you ask a man for MORE without making him feel defensive (as though you're accusing him of giving you too little, (which you actually, really are!) - and get what you want?
The Words That Will Get Him To Turn Around And Step Up
If you're feeling frustrated by a man who does the exact opposite of what you want him to do, who doesn't hear you at all, doesn't even seem to WANT to listen to what you have to say or adjust his behavior to make you happier - I can help.
My Love Scripts program is all about how to get MORE from a man - even from the first time you meet him. Check out Love Scripts online right here (it's completely guaranteed, so there's no risk at all for you...):
Feel Completely Adored The "More" Tool: 5 Steps To Getting What You Need From Him
There are so many possible "scripts" to say to a man (they're all in my Love Scripts program), and so many possible things you can be feeling that you'll need to express in order to get what you need from him - so let's make it a simple 5 Steps:
Step 1: Get Grounded
Start by sitting down with yourself, breathing on purpose to calm your mind, to get a little clearer about what you want to do here. Put your feet on the floor, and feel your toes (even through shoes) making contact with the "ground." Make sure you can give yourself as much time as you need for this so you don't feel rushed.
Also, be VERY aware of the Nasty Voices in your head that keep judging you for even spending time on yourself this way (if you don't make yourself "valuable" to yourself - it'll be way harder to get valued by a man...)
Step 2: Make A List
Write down all the things you want MORE of.
This step is important: Leave LOTS of room down the page for each item, because you're going to be writing scripts around each one - you can even use a whole side of a sheet of paper for each item...
Get started by writing down whatever comes to you. Whatever you're angry at, whatever you feel he's giving you too LITTLE of:
If it's "not enough" calls and contact, write that down any way you can. If it's affection and sex - write that down any way you feel it. For each item, write down how you FEEL about this "lack" of something, or "longing for more of something."
(It's okay for now if your language isn't in the "Rori Raye Feeling Message" style, even if it's blaming him or yourself. The important thing is to just get it out and down on paper.
The IMPORTANT thing here is for you to actually get truly honest with yourself about what you WANT and what you're missing, and what you want MORE of.
Step 3: Start TRANSLATING
This step is still just for you - right now we're just getting prepared to speak to an in-the-flesh man by getting some personal scripts going. Scripts that will WORK instead of drive him further away and get you even LESS of what you want.
Here's how you TRANSLATE:
Take each item, each bit of writing you've done around it, and consider it the "starter" of the script. Rewrite it by taking out every single "you" in what you've written, and change every action word from something he did or didn't do to something you feel. That could look like: "You never call me!" turned to: "I feel better when I get called." Or, "I feel good when I hear your voice."
It could look like: "You never want to have sex anymore!" turned to: "It would feel good to have sex with you," or, "It would feel good to feel your naked body next to mine," or, "It would feel good to have more sex..."
After you've gone through your entire list, and turned everything from an angry accusation or judgment to a pure expression of what would feel good to you - you have the beginnings of a real script for each thing you want MORE of!
Step 4: Now PRACTICE
Face a mirror and practice saying the script for each item on your list to yourself in the mirror. While you're speaking out loud to yourself in the mirror - tilt your body backwards a bit (away from the mirror), and focus your attention on "tracking" the tension and sensations your body's feeling. That could look like making sure your shoulders are relaxed...and your arms are hanging down by your sides with your palms turned outward toward yourself in the mirror. Position yourself in the room as though he's standing about five feet from you, in an imaginary situation that feels familiar to you. Practice breathing and relaxing your body while you speak to him. Practice leaning back with your body slightly tilted away from him, practice breathing while you imagine what he's saying back to you. Now practice responding to what ever you're imagining he's saying to you. (Amazingly, once you begin doing this you'll notice that you really can predict exactly what he's going to say!) He most often says exactly the same thing. Over and over and over again. And you are most likely thinking and saying the same things over and over again, too. So what's going to happen here? Something different! So...
Step 5: Be Surprised!
You're going to say something different, and he's going to respond slightly differently.
And even if he doesn't - if he says the same thing he always says, or gets defensive the way he always does - you'll have a script to speak to him no matter WHAT he says!
How to do this?
For each item on your list, after your "starting script" - write a "follow-up script." In other words write a "Round Two" response to him. (I explain and demonstrate "Rounds" completely in my Love Scripts online video program)
The magic of this is that even if you try it once - just once - you're going to experience a completely different outcome. Also, you're going to feel so much more confident.
Now here's the wrap up of this whole thing:
Heart Connection Key: Bookend The Script
This "bookend" is like a script all by itself. You "wrap" your request for more inside it.
It starts with appreciation and it ends with you asking him, in a non-pressured way, to connect with you - because this is how you truly engage him, create safety, and set it up so that he WANTS to please you.
So start like this: "Thank you."
Yup, I want you to thank him for something. Even though you may feel angry with him and frustrated and scared to be opening up this can of worms, start with an appreciation.
Start with thanking him for just listening to you. Or for working so hard if he's focused on work and bringing in money these days. Start with a thank you for listening even if he's NOT listening. Find something to thank him for that you really truly do feel appreciative of. Now, after the "bookend" of the "Thank you" - you say your very short feeling sentence and then: You end your little script with the "bookend": "What do you think?"
The Right Script For EVERY Situation
I know there's so much more to this. That's why I created my Love Scripts program. There's hardly anything you could want "more" of from a man that isn't already in the program - ready for you to use right NOW.
So, Love Scripts is essentially a big "cheat sheet" for you! You can even download the included Love Scripts written material, print it out and carry it with you - so you ALWAYS have a cheat sheet when you need it. This way, anytime you don't know exactly what to say - just look it up and speak it right off the page!
To check out Love Scripts for yourself, and see how much it can help you immediately - just go here:
Speak Your Heart
I'd love to read your personal scripts... so let me know how Love Scripts changes your life and gets you so much MORE from every man you meet and love.
Solum-IpsumFeatured By OwnerJan 15, 2013Hobbyist General Artist
Who said you should overlook your partner's faults? I think it's your responsibility to have expectations for him and compel him to better himself.
The situation resembles that of the Beauty and the Beast from folklore. You should be crafty, and use your womanly wits to tame the beast, so that the man you love would return. Lure him out with the prospect of a reward, shoo away his monster with shame.
Of course, this is my opinion, mostly based on my traditional values. I still hope things work out for you.
If you both let the sun go down on your anger without resolving issues then it is bad. Communication is the key. From what you say it seems like the "Thrill is gone". You may not be married but I would suggest the equivalent of marriage counseling for both of you. If you can't get these issues resolved then you may as well pack it up as your relationship will no longer work.
If you're just plain disgusted with each other, let it go. Everything you're doing is out of being uncomfortable with being single, rather than leaving him in itself apparently. Anything else I'd like to mention was already mentioned by others: K-Koji, Morthax, Felissaurus, puppy-dangerous, Svataben. Just consider that you could both get someone you can actually get along with without having to make a big effort in it. This means you're not compatible.