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January 14, 2013
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How do I talk to my traditional mom about things?

:iconkimikitn:
kimikitn Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2013
Hello,

I am Vietnamese born American. So I have a modern way of thinking and very western compared to my mom. We clash a lot so it is so hard talking to my mom sometimes because she is so traditional and old fashion. Sometimes I just don't like to talk to her. I know she is a very loving and caring mom, but I can't do things for my age or even have fun. I'm currently 21 and I not able to go out late because she gets worry to death. I tell her that I will be fine and I explain to her that I can take care of myself. I usually tell her where I am going, but sometimes when I can't, I just say that it's for school. Once I couldn't study at home and I went out to the library to study and when I came home, she was crying because she thought I got kidnap. I told her before where I was going and if it was really late, I would get an authority figure to take me to my car. I even have a teaser if anything ever did happen to me.. I really dislike she worry about me too much. Even my aunts said that I can take care of myself and my dad trust me. It's not all about going out late and wanting to hang out with friends, but also about marriage stuff too. Like my mom wants me to marry a Vietnamese man who is religious, well educated, and is like a freaking FOB (fresh off the boat) Vietnamese. Tho I am not into those kind of guys. I want to be able to date or love who I want. Not who my mom wants. I could never tell her who the guys I dated because I know she would get mad at me. I feel like I am just sneaking around with boys or something because I could never tell her who I am dating.

To sum it all up, I just feel like my mom is controlling my life and I don't know what to do. I want to talk to her and I know she is a loving mom. I respect her, but it's just hard living with her and talking with her. Sometimes I don't feel like it is fair to me. I can't move out yet because I am still in college and I don't make enough to move out. However, after I finish up community college, I want to transfer to a university that is maybe about 1 hour away so I could be independence and to kinda be away from my mom.. It's kinda annoying sometimes. I love my mom, but wish she let me do things I want. I can't live with her forever. I think that is what she wants, but I have to live my own life.


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Other things she thinks that is traditional and doesn't make sense:
-I can't sleep over a friend's house because if it's a girl, it would make me a lesbian and if it was a guy, I'll end up having sex with him.

-She believes that if I don't go to church every Sunday, I will go to hell. I don't really like going to church. She wants me to go to the Vietnamese church, but I dislike it greatly because I don't really get along with some Vietnamese people. Only because some Vietnamese people have a gossipy problem and noisy about crap.

-She thinks marrying someone that is not Vietnamese is not a good thing. :l Tho my older sister married someone not Vietnamese. My dad was fine, my mom wasn't.

-She believes a women who can't cook can't do anything. I can cook, but not all the time.

I can add more to the list, but I'll stop... sorry for long post and ranting kinda.
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:iconvineris:
Vineris Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2013  Professional Traditional Artist
Things usually become a lot better when you move away. For one thing, it's easier to put up with things you disagree with when you only have to deal with them for one weekend once in a while instead of every day.

But you will probably always disagree, the thing about having immigrant parents is that they expect their kids to belong to the culture they left, and not the one they are living in. I'm sure it must be very difficult for them to be surrounded by foreigners and then discover that their kids have also grown up to be foreigners. But you have to live your own life, and they have to deal with their own issues. If they can't, that's sort of their problem.
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:iconenih:
Enih Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Hobbyist
Since your dad seems to be more like you are, have you tried talking to him to speak to your mother? She might listen better to someone her own age?
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:iconkimikitn:
kimikitn Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2013
She doesn't listen to my dad. She think she is always right..
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:icongallantdrifter:
GallantDrifter Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Student
Hi Kimi,

I'm just a year older than you and a guy, but my parents can also get a bit over protective. My suggestion is to approach it from an understanding and patient perspective. You already know that she is a loving mother, so there are some benefits in what she is teaching; despite being over the top about some things at times. Overtime I even found that they are right about things I disagreed with before lol.

Also, I myself am born in a Catholic family, though my family did not take our faith seriously at first until I myself set the example in the household. From, what you said above, I would assume that you believe in God but do not consider your faith an important part of your life. So regarding her religious expectations, I think it'd best to first paint a small picture of what our faith is about.

Basically, we see our purpose in life as coming to know and love God, and being united with Him in Heaven. After all, if you believe God exists, then He would of course be more important than any temporary relationships, possessions, pleasures etc in this world lol.

So relating this back to your mother's expectations, sunday is considered the Lord's day, when Jesus arose from the dead, and is considered an obligation day for Mass. In simpler terms, its like dedicating only an hour of your day, to spend time with God and celebrate His resurrection.

I do not what to make it too long, so I'll stop the preaching lol. It may be weird why someone young like me is so interested in my faith, but I consider it more as a beautiful way of life it that makes sense. I have fun just like any other young adult (no longer a teenager T_T) hanging out with friends, watching movies, playing games etc. But I also make the effort to make the right moral decisions, regarding everything from talking to people to sex.

If you can show your mother that you are someone who takes morality and your faith serious, then she will probably trust you more. And if she doesn't lol, then at least you would have become a respectable person who can be patient and understanding of her, and maybe even correct her where she is wrong.

Sorry it's so long lol, i get passionate about such topics. Also if you don't might, please take the time to look at my gallery. Hope things work out with you and your mother. God bless :)
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:iconself-epidemic:
Self-Epidemic Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Professional Digital Artist
She is just treating you how she was, as taco says, you're just going to have to deal with it, all parents are like this, my Mother enjoys telling me I'm shit at everything, I think its to encourage me, I can't comment on it though, so I just smile and go on my way, eventually when I move out, I'll just tell her that it is my life, and this is what I choose. She is just going to have to deal with that, eventually.
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:iconmessenjah-black:
Messenjah-Black Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Professional Traditional Artist
The answer is in Honour. A heart of honour toward your parents will open doors and opportunities. Even when they disagree with you and even when they are completely wrong and cramping your desires and style. Doesn't mean you must at all times follow what they say, but aslong as you honour and respect them. Even verbally saying to your mother, "I love and honour you". Trust me it will soften her heart and open opportunities in your family.
Be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to anger. Most of all, love your mother and show it!
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:iconjuliabohemian:
Juliabohemian Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2013  Professional Photographer
She’s trying to protect you from things that she knows can happen. The fact that they probably won’t, is irrelevant. Her frame of reference differs from yours. This is not going to change. The best thing you can do is find a way to move out so that you establish a separate existence from her. She will eventually realize -at least- that she can’t protect you from every potential danger and bad decision with her nagging and worrying.
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:icontacosteev:
tacosteev Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2013  Hobbyist
You have your views and she has hers. That'll never change. Have you tried having a heart to heart talk with her explaining how you feel? Maybe write her a letter if that's easier?

If you're living at home you'll have the restrictions your parents set. No really getting around that. Probably time to move out and start living your life however it makes you happy.
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:iconkimikitn:
kimikitn Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2013
I really do want to have a heart to heart talk with her. I have thought about doing that, but the last time my older brother and I tried to talk to her about how we feel, she said that she is never wrong about anything. That is not true. Everyone can do things wrong a lot.

I do feel like it is time to move out, but the best thing for me is finishing up my associates degree and then transferring onto a 4-year college away from home. In the future I do want to move to California to live. Right now I live in Missouri and I love California and travelling. The only way I could travel and go out of the house is because of relatives living in those areas, if not my mom would freak out. Like I told her once I wanted to go over to Cali with a friend who was originally my boyfriend at the time, but she got so worried. She said I'll get kidnap and started telling me all these scary stories. Then again that boyfriend that I did had at the time I did met him online. We broke up because I think he got scared of my mom and my family and other reasons too.. She makes it hard for me to date guys as well..
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:iconenuocale:
EnuoCale Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
At first I thought you wrote heart attack, and were suggesting having a major medical thing to break her down so she can be talked to then, lol.
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