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January 12, 2013
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I'm suicidal *WARNING LONG*

:iconkurayami99:
Kurayami99 Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I really don't know what to think anymore.
First of all, I have anger issues. big time. It comes all at once, and without a second thought, and I hate it. I know I'm probably going to get in sh*t for this, but I abused my dog in one of these fits of anger. I know its absolutely pathetic. I was perfectly happy and alright, he licked my toes which bothers me, and I kicked him. It didn't hurt him all that much, hes a large dog and I didn't kick hard, but just the thought that I turned that quickly makes me sick. I felt so bad after I did it I locked myself in my room and cried. Pathetic, right?

I also cut. I have a list of 'mistakes' and I go through them and give myself one cut per mistake I make. It's sick.

I hate myself. All I do is whine, complain, and bother people. I talk to much. I don't buy my friends enough stuff. I'm cheap. All I do is lay here all day on my laptop, contributing nothing to society. I've already bothered my parents with this issue, and it's obvious they don't care. They've seen the cuts. They would rather not have to deal with this, and I don't blame them. Hell, I go through it every second of my life. I know how annoying I am, and I can't stop it.

I'm so dead inside it physically hurts. I'm tired all the time and want to sleep my life away. Inside the pit of my stomach is an ache that won't go away, it's like a hunger pain, but. . . permanent. I feel soulless, like a body that's been completely emptied of everything that walks around all day.

School is hell. The only thing that helps with the pain is food, and obviously I can't be puking it up at school so instead I chew at least 2 packs of gum and drink lots of water bottles to try and cope. My grades are in the toilet. I'm probably going to fail this year, and then my parents will have yet another reason to be sad when they look at me. I'm a disappointment.

I lack in the physical appearance category, too. I hide my body as much as possible (baggy hoodies and sweats)

All I want to do is help other people, and make them feel better. I feel as if I help others, it will help make me less worthless. but I just. can't. Theres too many feelings in the way.

I need help. I need to know how how to overcome these feelings, push them away, maybe get rid of them completely. I just want some advice. Please.
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Devious Comments

:iconrocklou:
RockLou Featured By Owner Jan 18, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
For god sake, everything you list here are things YOU do. Who is going to fix that? Certainly not strangers on deviantart, it has to be you.
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:iconsiantjudas:
siantjudas Featured By Owner Jan 18, 2013   Digital Artist
You're not going to kill yourself, otherwise you wouldn't be advertising it.
You really are just a teenager being angsty. You want to be special so you make yourself feel "special" by acting troubled and depressed and saying things like "i'm sick" and such. You want attention, want someone to care, so to get the attention the care you go with the self bashing route. But you're young so you don't realize that it does the exact opposite of what you want. People won't care about you when you don't care about yourself. Eventually no one will even care to listen to your cries of wolf.

I know you won't believe me, and I know you'll think you're the exception, that you really do have issues. But really you don't. You're just going about the wrong way to get what you want.

When we really do want to die, we don't do what you're doing here, running in screaming hey guys I'm suicidal!!!!! We just do it, and tell no one. It's only through luck that we're still here.
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:icontruerumoursx3:
TrueRumoursx3 Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2013
I feel exactly the same right now, and I really want to help you. For me - cutting is the only solution - and as hard as it is to stop, I'm trying so hard. Please just try to stop, get help for your anger problems and if you ever need to talk, please turn to someone on here, heck, you can even talk to me, I don't mind. Friends on here are just like friends in real life. :)
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:icondragonsangel:
dragonsangel Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Try religion.

Honestly, Jesus is alive, and he came here specifically for those who feel dead inside. So he could fill their inside with his life.

I will warn you, If you take my advice, It won't be easy.

but it will be the adventure of your life.
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:iconandharian:
Andharian Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2013  Student General Artist
my dear, what is the reason to all of this? Why are you feeling this way? I`d recommend reading, because it helps you lose yourself in a good way, and pretend you`re in a life that you`d like. Maybe if you haven`t read Harry Potter yet? If you want I could recommend a couple of books. Keep a journal, and write it kinda like a novel. With all your beliefs, perceptions and ideas. Get a hobby, embroidery, sewing, knitting, horse riding, carving, photography, writing, calligraphy? You could help charity work as well, so you wouldn`t feel you aren`t contributing to people that need it. As a result you would also meet other people. You can always talk to me, I can be your friend c:
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:iconstarlit-sorceress:
Starlit-Sorceress Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2013  Professional Artisan Crafter
Helping people and buying things for your friends will give you temporary good feelings, but won't solve the problem of you feeling dead inside. You have to decide what YOU want out of life and work toward getting it. Then the dead feelings will fade.

There's a perfectly rational explanation for your cutting. When people feel pain, the brain releases feel-good chemicals, and you're probably addicted to them. You can get similar chemicals from the "pain" of eating spicy food, though, so try different ways of making yourself feel better than cutting and your laptop.

Think again about what you want out of life.
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:iconmorthax:
Morthax Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
If you have mental issues, we cannot help you. We are not doctors or psychiatrists, we are a bunch or random artists. SO I suggest you seek professional help.
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:iconpaellamagi:
paellamagi Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2013  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
Therapy is definitely a good idea here. Even a school counsellor may help. I'm concerned about the cutting, but hopefully you'll grow out of it. Unlike many people believe, it's possible to do this well into adulthood. I've done it in a few isolated incidents when I was desperately suicidal but needed something to avoid it.

From what I can gather, you are not at the stage of serious suicide ideation. But you need to nip those feelings in the bud. I felt depressed I hated myself just the same throughout my teen years, but never did anything about those, and eventually I developed bipolar disorder. Not fun. So therapy is a great idea. While many teenagers feel this way growing up, that doesn't mean that you have to. A good therapist will teach you coping strategies and ways to combat those thoughts.

Pet your dog, and give him cuddles - it will make you both feel good. Take him for long walks - exercise is a great way to improve your mood, and perhaps if you lost weight your body image would improve.

You may just feel like shit because a mixture of hormones and stress, but I think any suicidal thoughts need to be taken seriously. Speak to your school counselor at the very least. Strangers on the internet are not psychologists, and we aren't able to diagnose or provide you with therapy. I hope you feel better soon.
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:iconkurayami99:
Kurayami99 Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you to everybody, it DID help quite a bit, and I realize my rant was a little.. over the top, maybe? But again, thank-you to everybody who took the time to say something, weather it was positive or negative, it still counts. I appreciate it ^^
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:iconaret:
Aret Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
The only advice worth listening to is the stuff you get from a therapist. I have no idea what advice you think some 15 year old artists are gonna give you that would do shit for your problem. Did you really think this through?

GO. TO. THERAPY. Those dudes go to school for ten years for a reason, because they know their shit and can help you deal with yours.
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:iconavenvia:
Avenvia Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2013  Student Writer
The people on here being harsh and saying you're not suicidal are probably the ones you want to listen to. Even if it's tough to hear someone say your problems are teenage hormones and angst, what you said sounds so similar to a speech I've heard from about ten different people now that you wouldn't believe it. It's quite common for teens to feel like they can't cope, like they're depressed, like they're dead inside, like they're ugly and stupid and their parents don't like them. Like I said, I heard that from so many people when I was fifteen to eighteen or so.

The thing about it is, though, is that even if it's a common problem it's up to you to fix it. You need willpower and a way to think rationally.

Go to a therapist, even if it's just your school counsellor. Go and ask teachers for help with your schoolwork; they don't want students failing, trust me. Work on ways to cope with anger and stop cutting yourself, because in four or five years time you'll feel ashamed whenever you see the scars to think that you did that to yourself and everyone knows it. People might say cutting's an addiction, but it's not a physical one; it can be stopped with willpower, just like people can stop biting their nails or any other bad habit.

I know you want things to improve or you wouldn't have bothered to make this post. All of the suggestions I put up there are free and don't take much time; there really is zero reason for not doing them.
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:iconhkepoetry:
hkepoetry Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Go see a therapist, school counselor or maybe an adult you trust enough with this information. Talk to one of these people or maybe all of them.

And it's impressive that you want to help others. But you will not truly be able to help others if you cannot even help yourself. So take care of yourself first, okay?

Work on your self esteem. If you don't believe in yourself and like yourself for the person you are, then no one else will.

And I don't think your parents hate or are disappointed with you as much as you might think they are. You need to make sure they understand that what you're feeling is the real deal and that you're not doing this to get attention. Tell them you need help with your feelings and depression and that you really need them right now.

This being said, I will tell you my honest opinion and I speak from personal experiences. This will sound really harsh, but I think you need to hear this: if you truly were suicidal you would have done something about it by now. People who cut don't want to die, they just want to experience physical pain so they can forget about the one they feel inside. You are depressed and feel hollow and dead inside, I understand that. But people who are truly suicidal don't post stuff like this online, they don't tell people at all because they know people will try to stop them. So they shut up, never tell anyone and eventually end their lives.
So yes, you ARE depressed. But you're not suicidal. :)

Go get help in the form of a therapist. Talk to your parents. And believe in yourself.
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:iconjericawinters:
JericaWinters Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2013
Talking with your school counsellor might help.
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:iconorangekrissy:
OrangeKrissy Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2013
I'm really tired of all these "I'm suicidal" posts. Go get help in the proper places. We are not shrinks here and no one is qualified to help you. So stop your trolling for attention and seek the proper channels if you are real.
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:iconsteelmineral:
SteelMineral Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2013
I suggest counseling or a therapist.

If you're seriously suicidal, looking for help online from faceless strangers without possible experience or understanding of your thoughts, emotions and actions can only make it worse. See someone who can be considered a professional in this matter. Having suffered the mental illness of depression myself, I learned rather quickly that if I want to improve my situation, I need to do it in the best way I can.

Good luck.
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:iconmatthewmatters:
MatthewMatters Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2013  Professional General Artist
I feel that anyone actually suicidal ain't going to go around asking for help.
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:iconsteelmineral:
SteelMineral Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2013
I guess my experiences are different from your own.
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:iconpakaku:
Pakaku Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2013
I call BS. You're not suicidal, you're a volatile mixture of hormones and puberty. You're stressed over school and angsty in general, not suicidal. You're self-conscious about your looks, and maybe have low self-esteem. At worst, you know you're not, but yet you do it for attention. If you were truely suicidal, you wouldn't be here typing out your long rant. You'd be in the bathtub with a pistol about to enter your mouth.

If you think something is wrong about you, figure out what that is, and how you could handle things differently. If your grades are bad, maybe consider a tutor, or after-school homework sessions. Spend some quality time with your dog, because I doubt one kick is that big of a deal for a big dog, and being around your dog might make you feel better, too.
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:iconshockity:
Shockity Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2013
Riiiiiiiiiiiiiight

stay away from HWL. You told me that shit and the next week I tried killing myself, if you remember. Telling someone they're making it up is worse than ignoring them.
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:iconpaellamagi:
paellamagi Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2013  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
Just butting in here, I've been incredibly suicidal before (and I think intrustive thoughts telling me to kill myself, as well as feeling a desperation to jump in front of a train or take all of my medication) and I reached out to others before I went though with those plans. Not everyone who is suicidal reaches the point of doing it.

 I agree that the OP likely is feeling awful due to being a teenager though!
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:iconidjpanda:
iDJPanda Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2013  Student General Artist
Wow. I knew people got depressed but I never knew this bad. One thing I completely hate that you did was kick your dog. NEVER kick the dog, all they try to do is help; they can feel our emotions in some way. I don't know how, although you don't think it hurt him, it could have.

Everybody gets depressed, some more than others but everybody has a different way of coping with it. When I get depressed, I think of 10 reasons why I shouldn't be depressed. I'll go in a mirror and smile like maniac. Try and tickle myself (even though I can't), do something so stupid, make a corny joke, sing, dance laugh at trees, grass, the sky. Pfffttt. I could go on forever of all the stupid things I do to get me out of a funk. I'm way to optimistic to be depressed, I laugh an smile to damn much, even when it's not funny.

Talk to your wall and have a conversation with him, tell him about your problems and give him a hug. :dummy: It's just the stupid things that make you laugh. Think of 10 impossible things and then think of 10 impossible ways to do them. ;D I probably sound annoying or weird now so I'll stop. Suicidal thoughts are just a phrase, they are temporary.
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