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January 12, 2013
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Problems with anger - Help?

:iconkoko231:
koko231 Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I tend to have a lot of problems with anger with a member of my family, but I have no problems on the internet with anger at all. Things will be absolutely fine and someone, mainly that one family member, will say something and I snap. I've tried counting, but when I do the one that makes me mad always ask why I'm quiet and with my eyes closed, and when I say I'm trying to calm down they keep talking and talking, just making me madder.
Even when I leave the room they follow me or start talking louder and saying things that tick me off worse.

We are both confrontational people that have problems backing down from a fight, and I've run out of ideas on how to calm down and deal with the anger. Any suggestions?
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:iconsaintartaud:
saintartaud Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Professional General Artist
Well, I've had similar issues, not with just anger, but controlling emotions in general, and a lot of getting through that for me has been just changing thought and behavior patterns.  Kinda like what you're already doing, but it can take time for it to really click.  I would say you need to do more than just be quiet and breath, you need to actually observe yourself and the situation was objectively as possible.  If they keep talking, don't just stew over it and let yourself react emotionally.  Try to figure out what they're trying to say.  Ask questions if you have to.  Avoid judgmental language.  If that doesn't work, then distancing yourself from that person is the best option.  I know that can be hard if you live with the person, but you can always take a walk or go on a drive.  Or find something else to focus your attention on--read a book, watch TV, etc.

You might look into cognitive behavioral therapy, which is oriented toward changing emotionally-based behavior and thought patterns.  Some of the ideas are similar to mindfulness, which is another area to explore.  You might also find something like nonviolent communication useful for interactions.  This is a very brief but useful how-to:  [link]
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:iconkoko231:
koko231 Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Huh, I never though of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy before (as a person interested in Psychology I should have though of it. lol )

Thank you, I'll look into the link and into the therapy :)
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:iconsaintartaud:
saintartaud Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Professional General Artist
I discovered cognitive behavioral therapy in college and ended up applying some of the ideas to emotional problems I was having. So I always recommended reading up on it with these kinds of issues. I know that some in the field have researched mindfulness techniques and have found meditation helpful in relieving stress and regulating emotions. Anyway, you're welcome, glad to offer some things to consider. :)
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:iconkoko231:
koko231 Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Meditation...that's another thought! I really am clueless XD Thank you again :)
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:iconsaintartaud:
saintartaud Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Professional General Artist
Counting or taking breaths is actually in line with certain kinds of mindfulness and meditation. It's basically the idea of quieting your mind, focusing it, and learning to better control your impulses. If you have some time to yourself, you can try a simple meditation by sitting down, drawing a breath in through your nose, counting to 3, then breathing out and doing the same. Even just a minute or two of this feels nice. :D
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:iconkoko231:
koko231 Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Ohhh, OK! I always wondered how that worked :) I'll give it a shot~
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:iconsignsofortune:
signsofortune Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013
My suggestion is to pick a moment when you are both calm and not arguing, and start a conversation about the issue then. During the conversation you can explain how you feel, how what they are doing is making things difficult for you, and ask them to please give you a chance to calm down when such an occasion arises.

It's better to fix things before they get intense.
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:iconkoko231:
koko231 Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I've tried that, tried talking to them about it and tell them that I have to calm down, but they still talk to me about the things that were making me angry and never listen. Sometimes it works for 5 minutes, then it's back to the same old same old.
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:iconmiss-butler:
miss-butler Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
If your fist are clenched when you become angry, try unclenching them and leaving them at you side. Play music in your head while they yell at you. I know that sounds weird but if you've got a song that usually calms you down, try to imagine it playing.
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:iconkoko231:
koko231 Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Hmm...OK :3 I'll try that the next time, I'm willing to do most anything to control myself.
Thanks!
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