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January 11, 2013
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What have I done wrong in this relationship?

:iconrapidfire1012:
Rapidfire1012 Jan 11, 2013
I have been with this girl for almost a year now, and things have been great! We lost our virginities together, went to prom and we have basically been attached at the hip. But there have been some little gripes that have gotten me.

Her friends did not like me at all in the very beginning, yet she didn't lift a finger to help me out at all. She didn't defend me at all. Especially for the friend that was dealing with depression and I tried to reach out to him, telling him that I was lost too in my first year of college and it gets better. And for some of her friends, I had to try really hard to earn their respect, and they didn't make it easy. Hell, I'm still trying to fight for it. Whenever somebody dislikes my girlfriend for no reason, I tell them to get over it, because they can't have me without her. Her mom is extremely racist, and it took 10 months of bitching and whining for me to finally get her to meet her. And when we finally had dinner, she didn't even have the common courtesy to even shake my hand. And yet my girlfriend just went on as if everything was normal.

I would run through a brick wall for her, man. One day, one of her roommates came into her dorm, and said some very nasty things to her. And I was ready to give that girl a piece of my mind. But she wouldn't let me do it. Why am I willing to go so far for her, yet she doesn't have the backbone to do it for me? It's unfair no matter how you slice it.

When she went to work, she was partnered up with an attractive guy. I know that I'm not the best looking guy in the world, but she stated that if we weren't together, she would totally go for him. I'm all for there being a lot of attractive people in the world, but why would your mind be in an alternate reality where we are not together? And why would you share that with your partner unless you had the intention of hurting them?

Sometimes she tells me how stupid some of my beliefs are since I believe in things like Chakra and Horoscopes. Yet I'm an Athiest and she's a hardcore Christian and I have NEVER dreamed of taking a shot her her beliefs. She's an Ohio State University student on a full ride, and I'm struggling through community college, but she has absolutely no right to talk down on me like this.

I hate feeling so ugly and dumb all of the time.
How can you feel good about yourself when you're around somebody so pretty and smart all of the time? She knows everything about everything and she excels at school. I'm struggling to get through school, and it's just frustrating watching it come so easy for her. Part of me thinks that I am jealous of her.

I feel as if I keep getting slapped on the wrists for being so close to her. It's constant disrespect and fighting to prove myself worthy.
What am I doing wrong? I'm willing to fix anything.
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:iconangelheartthewarrior:
AngelheartTheWarrior Jan 12, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
As a girl, it might just be that she feels to nervous or too worried to defend you. Maybe she's embarrased?
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:iconglori305:
"I have been with this girl for almost a year now, and things have been great!" but -

You have a long list of not great things there.

A couple of things, sounds like you are expecting more of her than she is willing to give. Your choice is continue on in the relationship as you are, dissapointed in her behavior, or accept that this is how she is, this is as much as she is going to give and decide if the "great" part out weighs the "not great" part. If the great part is worth taking the not-great part, stay in the relationship. If it is not, let her know what needs to change for the relationship to continue, and be prepared that she might hit you with some things that need to change as well. If things do not change for the better, then it is time to end the relationship.

Loosing your virginity together, really means nothing. Many relationships involve sex, and break up, and loosing your virginity together only means you both don't have a lot of experience with sex. IMO unless you are great communicators that is more likely to stress a relationship, rather than help it. And since you are here talking to us instead of her, the relationship does not appear to have great communication.
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:iconmatthewmatters:
MatthewMatters Jan 12, 2013  Professional General Artist
"I would run through a brick wall for her, man. One day, one of her roommates came into her dorm, and said some very nasty things to her. And I was ready to give that girl a piece of my mind. But she wouldn't let me do it. Why am I willing to go so far for her, yet she doesn't have the backbone to do it for me? It's unfair no matter how you slice it.

When she went to work, she was partnered up with an attractive guy. I know that I'm not the best looking guy in the world, but she stated that if we weren't together, she would totally go for him. I'm all for there being a lot of attractive people in the world, but why would your mind be in an alternate reality where we are not together? And why would you share that with your partner unless you had the intention of hurting them?


Not everyone likes folks being assholes even to assholes. As for the latter part, well, it could be you just have different values. I for one have always been open with my girlfriend, both ways, on people we find attractive (we are both bisexual mind you).
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:iconferaltao:
If you can't talk this thing out and reach an understanding that satisfies you both - what makes you think that you'll be able to stick together through other conflicts? It is scientifically proven that we go through a pink-goggles period in the begging of our romances and that period usually lasts for about 1-2 years. After that you need something more, mutual respect, friendship and genuine care for eachother and it doesn't sound like that is present in your relationship. The sad truth is that the people you hook up with in high school are not necessarily the people you want to grow into an adult with and people don't magically change back no matter how much you wish it were so.
This is important: You complain about her behaviour and feel bad about it yet you don't put your foot down with her and she is trying to provoke a backbone out of you. Neither of you want to take things for what they are and act accordingly.

I'm not telling you to dump her - you obviously care a lot for this girl and think that she cares a lot for you too, but you have to start respecting yourself and your feelings - they can't always be secondary to hers. Talk to her about it and start cultivating your own life but if you can't give eachother genuine respect and solve things together then I suggest you come to terms with that, while you two had a good run you might not really be compatible in the long run.
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:iconfromthedead:
fromthedead Jan 12, 2013  Professional Digital Artist
I've been with a few girls that treated me like shit. Yet I was always at their every whim. Looking back it's because I didn't think I could do any better. The funny part is I was too blind too see that I had a new girlfriend every 6 months to a year and yet I bitched about not finding anyone. I haven't been single in 12 years. I'm 30 now and currently with my 13th girlfriend. She's the first since my well, first girlfriend, that doesn't treat me like shit. In fact I'm kind of a dick to her and tell her that I do things my way. At the same time I sacrifice my time and give her all the love she needs. What makes a relationship work is NOT love. Love is a fleeting emotion that subsides and can turn sour. It's respect. You're not showing yourself any respect and neither is she. She will continue to act like she currently is until you decide to put your foot down and show her that YOU are willing to leave the relationship. Right now you're too deep in emotion and she has you by the balls. You'll soon become a doormat for her. She probably wants to break up and keep you as a safety net to bounce back to when her next boyfriend treats her like crap. Now is the time to grow a pair. I'm not saying to be a cheating abusive, asshole. Just learn to respect yourself first.
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:iconsiantjudas:
siantjudas Jan 11, 2013   Digital Artist
Not every relationship is meant to be, and sometimes we force what is essentially a really bad match for far longer than we should simply because we are too afraid to risk losing what little we have for the chance to find something better.
It's been clear from every time you've come here describing your relationship that it's been doomed for some time.

Stop looking at it from the standpoint that someone did something wrong and that's why it failed. It fails because you aren't compatible with each other. It happens. You both need something different from a relationship that the other isn't able to provide. Not every relationship is the same, nor does everyone want the same things, the thing is to find one that works both ways. It's been clear it hasn't really been working that way.

One thing to always remember is to always be yourself. Don't change yourself or curb yourself to try to make a relationship work. It seems like you've been trying to do that, which I guess is one thing you could take from this. Don't try to be someone other than you are just to keep a relationship, because it'll fail eventually, all you do by doing that is prolonging the inevitable and wasting everyone's time.

Another thing that you could take from this, is next time, don't place your woman on a pedestal. Respect and care about her, but don't start bending over backwards. It means that you don't respect yourself, your self esteem is low (which is further evident by you saying that you were insecure about being with someone beautiful etc.). This tells her that you don't think you deserve her, and if you don't then why does she have a reason to stay with you? She's better off finding someone who does deserve her, instead of the guy putting her on a pedestal, catering to her every need, trying to keep something he shouldn't even have.
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:iconrapidfire1012:
Rapidfire1012 Jan 11, 2013
She does try. She does pull her weight in a lot of aspects, it's just these few gripes that really get me.

This relationship can be saved. She has introduced me to her mom, not in the ideal timeframe, but she did it. We have made lots of progress. Keep in mind that her mother is racist. So we must treasure little victories like that. Her friends have grown to like me.

I am 100% myself around her. She knows things about me that nobody else does. She knows me as well as my own brother. I have never ever changed myself for her. I will always be the goofy computer gamer. Nothing in my thread even remotely hinted at that.

Yes, I put her on a pedestal, but this is still an early relationship. That's common.

She and I have talked it out all day today, and we're going to work through this. She's going to watch it from now on. And I'm going to keep my cool. But I couldn't have done this without your help. Although, I'm going to fix this relationship, because I'm not giving up on her.

I love her.

But thank you for your time! It's really appreciated!
So here, take a llama badge as a sign of my gratitude!
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:iconaret:
Aret Jan 11, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
You're doing one very important thing wrong. You won't want to believe me, but there is just this one thing you're doing wrong, and until you stop doing it, you're never going to have a healthy, happy relationship.

That thing you're doing wrong is treating yourself like crap.

Tell me something. Why would anyone stand up for you if you won't stand up for yourself? Why should she argue with her friends who don't like you when you apparently value yourself somewhere around the same value you hold for trash?

When you start to realize that you are a wonderful person with a lot to offer people, and when you get it through your head that a relationship is a PARTNERSHIP that both people work towards, then you can ditch the manipulative bitch and find yourself someone worth your time. Good lord, she's a human girl, not a goddess. Why should you have to prove yourself to her? Because she doesn't want a relationship. She wants a minion, someone she can manipulate into doing everything for her while she does nothing. People like you, with low self esteem, attract bitches like that like crazy. If you want a healthy relationship, get some self esteem, stand up for yourself, and find a girl who REALLY likes you. This one is a liar who likes having a servant she can beat up.

she has absolutely no right to talk down on me like this.

Tell HER that. Stand up for yourself! DTFA, my friend. Dump The Fucker Already.
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:iconsiantjudas:
siantjudas Jan 11, 2013   Digital Artist
This.
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:iconrapidfire1012:
Rapidfire1012 Jan 11, 2013
She has completely been out of character lately.

Her friends hated me because of my personality when they didn't really understand me. But after they got to know me, they liked me.

She shows me respect at times, but I'm not sure if it's me, but I just feel ugly and dumb. She says that I have determination and charisma once and awhile. And it's nice at times, but I don't feel secure or relieved most of the time. Especially when she says things like that. Currently she is 900 miles away for college. (I've heard all of the long distanced pessismism, so save it) and little things like that are what get under my skin and make me very skeptical. We were doing fine up until this week. She had a full scholarship at a private university 20 miles away from me, but she chose to go across the country. And she complains about her missing me and me being so far. It's unecessary stress to put on me. Especially when it was your choice.

I feel as if she really LOVES me, so I'm going to not lose hope.
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