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January 10, 2013


Replies: 83

FAVORITISM in family?

Mayvi Featured By Owner Jan 10, 2013  Student Traditional Artist
This is a very long post, but i really need help with this. I hope you can take the time to read it, and possibly relate to it.
So it's no question that some parents or...alot of parents favour some of their children over others.

This is the case in my family, with my younger brother being the favourite. He is 16, while i am 17. I am female by the way.
Now i know my parents love me very much, and they care a great deal for me, but the favouritism is quite evident with my brother.
It started pretty early on when we were kids. I guess you could say they "babied" him for lack of a better word, and they still do.
Regardless of the fact that he is less than a year younger than me, he has never had to carry any responsibility in his life, has not learned to do any chores fully and does them half ass,and has had others care for his personal needs.

For example, he has to be constantly reminded to do certain tasks around the house regardless iof the fact that he is constantly reminded. An example of this is with our aquariums (he and i both have one- him for 2 years, i for 5 or 6). I constantly tell him to put in the right amount of chemicals each week, but he never does it. When i do tell him, he give the predictable "well you didn't remind me". It's quite annoying, and is due to the fact that my parents have akways taken care of these things for him. Another example of this is when he gets in trouble. If it is something that he clearly did, my parents will lump us together saying something along the lines of "you guys need to smarten up". Now if i was involved, i understand and i deserve it, but the fact that i am not usually involved with something he did and I am getting in trouble seriously bothers me. As for chores, he does them with vague interest and in a sloppy manner- and BRUTALLY slow. They are usally half finished, and i have to pick up where he left off along wiht finishing my own. My parents never do anything about this. As for his personal needs, my mom always helps him clean his room and fold and organize his clothes and belongings. Thats not to say i want help with these things-i rarely want anyone to help me with the things i do, but with him it's just constant. Regardless of all of this, he never learns to do things on his own. In addition, this is where it gets really pathetic, he only learned to clip his own nails two years ago. Two. My mom has been doing them for years. It's just...*sigh.

Now as for my parents and the favouritism, they take greater interest in his grades when he excels, constantly saying "oh my god! I'm so proud of you! Good job sweetheart!! Hugs, kiss kiss", or a "Good man! highfive" from my dad. I generally get a simple "Good for you". We both gets pretty good grades as well, ranging from 80's-90's, so it bothers me when i get just as good a grade as he does, but get minimal positive response. There is also the constant "Good man" response from my dad, when my brother does something considered "masculine", which is never more than something like getting an extra piece of meat or something. Simple stuff, but bothersome. They also take greater interest in his activities , which are mainly sports and gtes high praise for them, while they take a vague interest in my art studies. It hurts...Mainly because i know that they favour him just because he is a male.

I have proof that my dad regards my brother as his favourite child, as i have heard it from his own mouth. He was drunk and with a family friend, and he did not know i was there, but he said, quote on quote:
"There isnt anyone in your life more important than your son"
My mom saw me as i overheard, and gave a pained expression. It has stayed with me ever since even though it was a few years ago.

In short i was wondering if anyone can relate to this, and maybe offer some advice on how to cope with it. It's hard to know that you are favoured less than your sibling, and that no matter what you do you will always be lower in their eyes. It was like this in my dads family and in my moms family as well- the boys come first.
It's painful emotionally, and sometimes i cry thinking about this...

Thanks for reading.

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Devious Comments

RandomRobskii Featured By Owner Jan 19, 2013  Student Filmographer
Ah, well that rings bells. I always feel like that with my brother. I'm one of three - I'm the eldest, my brother is the middle child, and then there's my little sister. My brother is a year and a half younger than I am, and my sister is about four and a half years younger than me. When I was living back at home, for some reason my dad would always come down on me for whatever bollocks came to his mind, and that went on for a fair bit to the point where everyone else noticed too. I think it's because everyone ignored him. If I tried that, I got yelled at harder. If chores weren't done, it was somehow my fault. If I had done chores and GC (GC was the nickname we gave my brother, 'golden child') hadn't, it was still my fault. To be fair, my brother even knew he was the GC but he didn't really like having that sort of privilege.

Anyway, I had a fair moment of joy at one point. My estranged uncle called me his favourite on facebook, and I was very happy. Apparently I'm my grandmother's favourite too, but that's only what my brother says.

The whole favouritism from my dad got a lot better in time though. We called him out on him constantly yelling at me, and things went up. :nod:
fangirldinosaur32 Featured By Owner Jan 19, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Well, while I can't exactly relate in the same way, mine is similar.

My older brother, is still favored. He constantly claims that he was 'replaced' when I came, but they still favor him as much as though he was a child.

When his daughter came along, that's when I really started to be ignored. She's almost 3, will be in Feb. the 8th. She overrules most of the things I do, and I am ignored from my parents when it comes to my older brother, and my niece. So, it's similar, I guess. But, yeah, I can relate. I'm sorry. It stings, yeah.
Cat-of-shadows Featured By Owner Jan 19, 2013
Hmm. It sounds as if your parents wanted a son the first time they got pregnant, and had a daughter, instead. So they may favor your brother more because he was the son that they were hoping for. I might not be correct, but I'm thinking that this definitely sounds like the case. The root of their favoritism must be gender-based, and probably nothing else.

This type of favoritism was common throughout history as males were valued more, so you know that thousands of women through history were put in the same position as you. I assumed that this type of favoritism, and especially at this severity would have died out in the 21st century, but I am mistaken. It still exists in many countries such as China, Countries in the middle east and some parts of Africa to name a few. There are also parents who desperately wanted a daughter, and got a son instead.

I would feel sorry for your brother, though. If he has everything done for him, chances are, he will not learn or want to do it and the future. And he may grow up to be lazy and rely on others to do things for him.

I cannot relate to this situation, but my younger brother, who is the middle child, had often griped that he was the unfavorite. I don't see any evidence to support this. But perhaps some unfortunate things have happened to him that hadn't occurred to me, so idk.

Somehow, though, some people seem to think that males are better in spite of the fact that women can do just about anything a man can, and that's in places like the US and UK. I can't really speak for other countries, though. Shame on your father for saying that. You should perhaps confront your parents and tell them how you feel. Especially bring up that situation to your father. Ask him if you really are that unimportant to him. And if possible, just live with another relative if you cannot bear the favoritism. Tell them that you are going to live with ( insert relative's name)because they feel that their son is obviously more important to them.

Unfortunately, it seems as if nothing that you will ever do can impress them. And you know what? Don't waste any time trying to. There will be people that you meet in life that will appreciate you greatly. And if you do have kids one day, you can break the cycle of this gender-based favoritism.

I wish you best of luck.
AngelNekoDemon Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2013
I know exactly how you feel, I may not have siblings, but I do have cousins who are close enough to be my siblings. With my female cousin, she apparently "cannot do wrong". She gets all the high praises, and so forth. When I try my damnedest, it just isn't enough, and goes unnoticed. And it goes, " (cousin's name) is doing so well for herself, why aren't you?" that is what my grandfather said to a best friend of mine. She gets spoiled, praised and gets anything she wants. Also, I get condescending remarks from my grandmother about when I move back out of the house. I said out loud a few days ago, "I can't wait to get back out of this house.." and I got a "well, good luck with that.." response. Then I came back with a whitty comment, which was pretty cool and made me feel good.

But, the thing is you can't blame your sibling what your parents are doing, I have spoken to my cousin about this with what is happening with our grandparents and she hates that they treat me like that. I understand that you want to be mad at your Bro, but don't be mad at him, it's not his fault. Do what makes you happy, get good grades to make yourself feel better, to know that in the future, you can buy things after college, and you paid for them, and didn't have anyone truly help you. Then you can say those items are yours, and that your hard earned money paid for it. That's what I usually do. (If I want it, I buy it so I don't have to rely on anyone else to get it for me)

Be strong Mayvi! If you need to talk to someone message me! :hug:
Mayvi Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2013  Student Traditional Artist
Thank you :)
Though i'm not really mad at him, i mean i do get annoyed, but i still love him. Same goes for my parents. And they do buy me things (mostly for school, and occasionally clothes. They'll do anything if its for my schooling- which is extremely nice of them, and i pay them back with good grades), but it's more or less the way they treat him compared to me that upsets me at times.
All the best to you.
AngelNekoDemon Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2013
You too. I know how you feel though, be strong!! :D
Plaguey Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2013  Hobbyist Artist
I can relate slightly. Both of my brothers, especially the one I live with is extremely favourtised by my mother compared to my other brother and I. He's 20, dropped out of school and has no job and my mom will get him anything he asks for and he doesnt have to do chores. I on the other hand, have made it academically farther than both my brothers and Ive been trying to get a job. All i get from my mom is "good job" and my brother gets fed with a silver spoon whilst I wash the dishes.

Its hard to cope with, but I guess all you can really do it talk to your parents about it. Or continue being independent.
Im fairly independent myself and its slightly annoys my boyfriend since I never really need his help.
AngelheartTheWarrior Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Ah... Favoritsm... always a problem.

Yup, as a kid I always felt that my parents cared for my older brother more than me. We were both over average students, always about 200 points overaverage. Same grades, same stuff. I was a little less sociable (I preferred working by myself) and also have a sadly permanently-disabled body part (left arm) for a few years now. But that was after. Anyway, as a kid my brother was always cared for more.
Got an A+: "Good job."
He got an A+: "AHHH YOU GOT AN A PLUS! I'll go buy you whatever you want!"

I've babysat with two children of which one was favorited over the other more. Prized, almost; the other child was badly deformed. The deformed child was not the favorite and was blind as well as mute and was deaf in one ear but had better grades. The favorite child was completely normal and beautiful; but honestly I feel for the lesser child.

I'm not sure how to help you, but maybe the fact he was larger then? I've noticed that adults always prefer the more muscular, stronger type than the skinnier, weaker type. :shrug: Sorry that I couldn't help much.
Ahkward Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2013  Professional General Artist
Holy crap, i felt like I read my personal story.

My brother is 18 months younger than me, got terrible grades, was popular, huge jock. He was much more loved at school than I was. I was a nerd, band gerk, and artist. At home my brother got all the attention for his sports. I ways had to do his chores for him to avoid being yelled at when my mom and stepdad came home. I had two other younger brothers, and as the only fdaughter, non sports, i got ignored a lot.

Always i heard, "Why can you not be like your brother? More active and cheerful than you." Now he is in the Military like my dad and grampa were, and I am just an art student.... i feel overshadowed. He has tons of money, a job he loves, and all sorts of praise for being patriotic.

I am just poor, in debt art student. :C

._. Having someone else get more attention is hard and it hurts a lot. I feel you man
Mayvi Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2013  Student Traditional Artist
Yep. It's pretty common in families with boys...
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