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January 7, 2013
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Saying No to a Friend

:icondtkinetic:
DTKinetic Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I guess this might sound like a childish situation--but would anyone here think it's possible to spend too much time with friends? Is it selfish to prefer time alone?

I have a good friend who seems like he wants to hang out every time there's a break in his schedule. He doesn't have much money to spend on fun, so hanging out doesn't consist of movies, food or bowling, etc. Usually it's offbeat places like WalMart to get groceries, or an Auto Store to pick up something to help maintain his truck...and when he invites me to these places, a lot of the times I go, but usually it's just a dry experience. I've said "no" before, but his persistence usually leads us to the story that I don't have a real excuse not to go *besides the fact I just don't want to.

What really sparked me into writing this, was having a sleepover with another good friend of mine, he stayed Friday night into Saturday. I haven't seen him in a couple months, we had a great time, but it was supposed to last until 1 PM and I planned accordingly, but he kept asking if he could stay longer...2 then 3, then 3:30, 4 (which is what happened). Again, I and my family had nothing planned, and he REALLY wanted to stay--but I was just getting tired--so would it have been rude of me to say no? Does this make me an inconsiderate person? :worry:
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Devious Comments

:iconvulpimo:
Vulpimo Featured By Owner Jan 11, 2013
Tell him you need some space.
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:icondtkinetic:
DTKinetic Featured By Owner Jan 11, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Will do :nod:
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:iconvulpimo:
Vulpimo Featured By Owner Jan 11, 2013
And he will give you a piece of a meteorite xD
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:icondtkinetic:
DTKinetic Featured By Owner Jan 11, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Lol :XD:
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:iconimdsound:
IMDSound Featured By Owner Jan 11, 2013  Student Digital Artist
Saying no to a friend can be one of the hardest things to do. But once you get past the hurdle, I think you'll find that your friendship, maybe even life, in general will benefit from being more assertive. If they're really your friend they will understand. It's not selfish to have alone time, everyone needs it especially artists. Just have tact, say it so that you won't hurt their feelings, ya know?
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:icondtkinetic:
DTKinetic Featured By Owner Jan 11, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I hear you loud and clear :nod:
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:icondragonsangel:
dragonsangel Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
There are two perspectives on this question. One is your friend's perspective, and one is your perspective. If your friend asked me about the situation, I would tell your friend that he should not impose on you, because it isn't nice. But because you're asking the question, I will respond differently:

In my own life I have had this same problem. This is what I discovered: the best path to take is to say yes to your friends, except in the condition that saying yes to them makes you a worse person, or causes you to fail in your own responsibility. I had a friend who constantly asked me to hang out with him. but after hanging out with him too much, I felt like I was turning into someone very unpleasant. So now when he asks to hang out, I hang out with him for a set amount of time, and then I say 'no', I say goodbye and I don't accept anything he says to the contrary.

The reason for this is, that you really don't know the circumstances of the other person, and so a slight inconvenience to yourself could mean a world of difference to them.

Also, particularly because you're a Christian, I say my advice is best, because it's what Christ taught: If someone asks you to walk a mile with them, walk two miles
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:icondtkinetic:
DTKinetic Featured By Owner Jan 11, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Thank you for sharing your experience on this. And I have actually came to the same conclusion in your second paragraph when I started noticing that saying yes was counterproductive towards my mood and having a good time. So I would notice that I was turning bitter and quiet although I did my absolute best to hide that from my friends although it didn't work too well. So that sounds like a good rule to abide by.

And I appreciate the Scripture at the end, it makes for good advice as well :thumbsup:
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:iconsingagainsoon:
singagainsoon Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
You aren't being rude at all. There was a girl I knew a few years back that I was sort-of friends with. She got very attached to me and would stalk me online, call my house literally thirty times in under fifteen minutes, textbomb my phone, and otherwise stalk me. She found out what my email address was, and kept sending me emails if I didn't respond to her quick enough, or at all. She didn't understand when I tried explaining to her that I needed some time by myself. After a while, she got very rude towards me, constantly insulting me or putting me down when I was going through a tough time in my life. I asked her nicely to leave me alone for a while, but she couldn't take a hint that I didn't need to hear her insults and petty complaints because I was dealing with other things. When I wanted to spend time with other people, she would cry and make a scene, claiming that I was ignoring her. Finally, I told her bluntly (but politely) not to talk to me anymore.

Honesty is the best policy. Easier said than done, though. Don't let your friend push you around. There are more things in your life than just him, and you need time to do what you want.
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:icondtkinetic:
DTKinetic Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Ouch, that sounds pretty extreme =( Well, at least that sounds like that's in the past now.
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:iconsingagainsoon:
singagainsoon Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Yeah, it was pretty bad. Kinda like something in one of those over-dramatized television shows, except it was real D;

It's all done, and I don't regret it. She kept trying to get me to take back my decision and said things like "oh don't do something you'll regret later" and "are you sure you want to end out friendship because you're being stupid?" She wasn't a real friend at all, and I'm glad I ended it.

Long story short, some people need to be told things bluntly or they won't ever take a hint. I hope everything works out with your friend c:
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:icondisappearing-inkwell:
Disappearing-Inkwell Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2013
all i can say is simply, if you say no and he is a real friend he will be ok with it.
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:icondtkinetic:
DTKinetic Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Sounds good, I hope so :thumbsup:
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:iconkafine:
kafine Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2013   General Artist
No, it is not inconsiderate to indulge others in this way; it is rude for people to outstay their welcome. It is rude for people to expect that after entertaining them for some time already, you don't have anything better to do than continue to entertain them. It is rude for people to expect any sort of justification "oh yeah, what are you doing then?" when you say you have other things to do. It's none of their buisness what your plans are and there is no standard to which your plans have to be held. If your plans are to loaf and watch TV and appreciate your alone time then that's valid. People need off hours to recharge and just not see anyone for a while.

I completely understand how hard it can be though. We had a freind who had a sad and difficult home life, and we always tried to make a space for him in our freindship group... but he made it really hard. One of my freinds had known him for longer and her mum used to let him come and go out of their house as he needed. Years later her mum moved out and I moved in and we were renting the third room... and he still thought he could come whenever and stay as long as he liked. If I was busy he would ask what I was doing, as though I needed to justify not giving up my time for him. He'd turn up in my living room and put videos on his computer while I was listening to stuff, or not go away when I wanted to go to bed and had to stay up to lock the door after him "I don't mind!" he would say. He'd wait outside if we were not home, and the neighbours started to get concerned about him lurking. And he was completely oblivious. It was impossible to explain to him why I didn't want him there constantly.

It made me feel like a terrible freind because I know he had real problems and that was why he didn't want to go to his own house but he started to become a real imposition. It got to the point where I would hide from him if I saw him on the street because I knew he would follow me where I was going, invite himself back to my house, and then not leave.


Well anyway. You've not done anything rude. People like that seem to have an inability to pick up on social cues, so you may need to learn to be blunter. When it comes to time for them to leave, tell them sincerely that you had a good time, say lets do this again soon, start helping them find all their stuff, and then see them to their ride. It will feel like shit brushing off their protestations while you usher them off but ultimately a good freind is one that you CAN be frank with.
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:icondtkinetic:
DTKinetic Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Aww wow, thanks for sharing your experiences and your thoughts behind this, just from reading that I know it could be quite some trouble having to manage with it. =( But friends also need to acknowledge other people's rules and know their boundaries, like just because my friend comes over my house he thinks he's free to get anything out of the fridge when he wants :stare:
I hope in the meantime things can work out in your situation and with your friend as well =)
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:iconshadee:
shadee Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Just tell them you have other plans. No need to elaborate. Your plans are none of their business and plans can range from having a meet up with someone else to eating popcorn in your underpants at home.
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:icondtkinetic:
DTKinetic Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Lol, nice example :XD: Makes sense to me.
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:iconwyntry:
Wyntry Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2013  Hobbyist Artist
Well, I have a similar situation. My friends that I am doing the comic with? Yep.. same thing. Now that a gf and she has 3 kids, they don't know how to cope sometimes with the fact that when I am not with work, I am with her. Now, it was like this before all this, but when it comes down to it...You have to have time for you. That is a given fact. I was told that I think about others too much. So, I try to get at least 1-2 days where its just 'me' (all by myself) time.
Ask for space, and if you can't get it, then tell them you will do it and enforce. Some friends can be childish when they don't get their way, but theyll get the hint that you still want to be friends as long as you spend some time with them.
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:icondtkinetic:
DTKinetic Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
That sounds logical, and I'm glad you can relate :nod:
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:iconwyntry:
Wyntry Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2013  Hobbyist Artist
that I have a gf*
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:iconadorabledynamite:
AdorableDynamite Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2013
It's not wrong at all to request time away from a friend. Even married people need time apart, so who's to say friends cannot? You have no reason to feel inconsiderate to brush him off! You really should only feel inconsiderate if you brushed him off when he really needed you (not I said needed, not wanted...)

I'm left curious as to whether or not this guy has any other friends... If he's spending as much time as you have left me thinking, maybe you are all he has right now, and if that is the case, I don't blame him for doing what he's doing. There have times where I felt only one person really cared and so I would cling to him/ her. If you want him to make more friends, why not introduce him to your friends?

Just remember that you are entitled to your own space and that it is not selfish. When telling him to go away, be polite, but firm.
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:icondtkinetic:
DTKinetic Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
You make a good point there.

I've started wondering that too, I think the truth is is that may be the case. Although I have been talking with this one guy (let's call him Randy) who used to (and probably still would) hang out with my friend but for some reason my friend is no longer interested in hanging out with Randy...kind of like some inception :lol: (Hope that wasn't confusing :XD:)

But yeah, that is a good suggestion. Bring my friend along to some party or group meet or something and get some other friends that way =P
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:iconadorabledynamite:
AdorableDynamite Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2013
I'm happy to hear I could have helped you.Let me know how it turns out, and if worsens and you need more advice, don't hesitate to ask. Good luck to both of you.
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:icon2lazy2talk:
2lazy2talk Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I have amny friends like that...I thinks it's because we have hobbies and they don't.
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:icondtkinetic:
DTKinetic Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
A good possibility :XD:
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:iconrhodenris:
Rhodenris Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2013
It doesn't make you an inconsiderate person. You had every right to set the boundaries - but maybe you could have been a bit firmer with him about it.
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:icondtkinetic:
DTKinetic Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I hear what you mean, thanks :nod:
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:iconxxquorrabrittanyxx:
xXQuorraBrittanyXx Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2013
I understand that everyone needs their own space, so don't worry, said to him something like this: "Hey *name of your friend* I'll like to be alone some time, just because I feel different, but I'll see you later, bye" Be sure you'll be caring and friendly :)
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:icondtkinetic:
DTKinetic Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Sure will, thank you for the advice =D

And welcome to Deviantart :hug:
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:iconxxquorrabrittanyxx:
xXQuorraBrittanyXx Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2013
Thanks!!!
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:icondtkinetic:
DTKinetic Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
No problem =)
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:iconbonnieknox:
BonnieKnox Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I had a friend like that, she had too much time on her hands, and it was hard to me to tell her that I liked my time alone. Eventually you will have to tell him, specially, since normal daily activities normally leave you tired at the end of the day or you have other things to do beside working and studying. I did, of course in a polite manner, said " sorry,I have things to do".

On the other hand, some people feel lonely if they are not hanging with others all the time, there is nothing you can do, but he has to get used to the fact that you are not going to be available 7/24
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:icondtkinetic:
DTKinetic Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
That's truth right there. A pretty realistic approach :thumbsup:
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:iconytcyberpunk:
YTcyberpunk Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
This guy has WAY too much time on his hands. He wants to hang out with you constantly...but he doesn't have money to do things like go to a movie? Why doesn't he spend more of his free time looking for a job (or a better job)? I don't know anything about his life, but from what you have told me, I would not be surprised if his PARENTS are having trouble telling him, "No son, you can't stay a little longer; go get a job and move out, you're 32 years old already!"

When you run out of excuses, you'll just have to tell him a flat out "No." If you're still concerned about his feelings, tell him it's nothing personal, but that you're too tired to spend time with someone. You might also want to start dropping hints, like, "I'm just too tired from my *job.*"
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:icondtkinetic:
DTKinetic Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Lol, well as much as I hate to admit it, you're wrong there =P
My first friend is the oldest sibling in a family of 7, he has been between multiple jobs that never held up except for McDonald's, and he's been going in and out of college because he's been having trouble financing for it. So most of the times when he does use money, it's either for his family or for college. Though since his schedule is sooo...shifty, sometimes it's busy but sometimes he has multiple free times in a week, which of course we can imply what he wants to dedicate those times to :XD:

But yeah, I appreciate the advice in the latter half. It should mean well just to assure him it's nothing personal :nod:
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:iconjuliusonsteroids:
juliusonsteroids Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2013
He doesn't sound like that great of a friend to me. I'm a person who enjoys being alone, but my friends understand and respect that. The only thing that sucks about that is if you keep saying no, eventually they will stop asking you to hang out at all. Try to find a balance. Have you tried telling him why you say no? Next time he asks you, be like "No, not really in the mood, sorry. Maybe another time?" And don't give in if he persists.

I don't understand the mentality of people like him. They'll think "oh, you don't have plans" and I'll think "I planned on staying home and chilling or getting something done. That counts as a plan, even if you interpret it as me doing nothing." So yeah, you're perfectly normal.
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:icondtkinetic:
DTKinetic Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I like your thought process, I'll be sure to use some of your examples =)
Don't worry, he's a good friend...and despite certain annoyances or inconveniences, we were never really close to not being friends. I think it's just the balance we have to work out ;)
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:iconfuyuko7:
Fuyuko7 Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2013  Student Traditional Artist
Just say no, don't make him think that you're a pushover.
If he's really your friend he SHOULD understand
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:icondtkinetic:
DTKinetic Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Yeah, he should, I sure hope so ^^;
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:iconcenaris:
Cenaris Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Do what you want. Noone is entitled to tell you what to do.
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:icondtkinetic:
DTKinetic Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Thanks for the input, I appreciate it :thumbsup:
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