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January 6, 2013


Replies: 10

Death of creativity; how to deal with depression, ADD, lonliness and being disconnected from art

Centaurus09 Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2013
I stopped drawing and writing altogether about twelve years ago. My life stopped going anywhere back in 1990 when I was laid off from my job as an electronics tech, which was the end of my career, and moved to Seattle, where I just stagnated.

Creativity was never easy for me, coming and going at random, and mostly gone. My health deteriorated due to undiagnosed diabetes, family relationships fell apart, social life died, and writing and drawing disappeared. Best way I can describe it is being completely disconnected. I was never very good at drawing, but I'd made some real progress and I thought I had some good ideas.

I still love listening to music and tinker with electronic and audio projects, but that's suffered too.

I've come to dread February 14th. That really gets me into a black depression. I guess the cats still love me, but I do feed them regularly.

I've been fighting depression nearly all my life, and was recently diagnosed with ADD, which seems to explain a lot of what was wrong with my life. No amount of drug treatments or counseling has ever helped, if anything Strattera has made my symptoms worse.

I hang out on DA for all the eye candy, but I feel guilty as a non-contributor and desperately frustrated that I can't be a part of anything.

At 63, my life is mostly over and largely unlived. Part of me still doesn't want to go down without a fight; I've written off too much of my life already.

Looking for ideas to find my Muse again. This is probably my last chance to live again.

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Devious Comments

Centaurus09 Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2013
Verdamit computers. Pay no attention to me while I try to fix multiple computers on no budget except the kindness of friends with excess hardware.

This will take my mind off my problems, and that has to be good.
Centaurus09 Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2013
Psychogizmo: whatEVER...

Electronics projects: state variable oscillator, ultra low distortion (-120 db or better), based on a design published long ago in Audio Magazine; just the bare board for which I finally scrounged enough parts to assemble. Except maybe two opamps out of eight used. Verifying performance will be tough.

Repairing two audio power amps, including a GAS Son of Ampzilla which I updated from
the original--it doesn't work right and my old Leach amplifier--another Audio project,
and resurrecting a Heathkit AA-1800 audio power amp that's missing a major part

Modifying outdoor FM antenna (easy), building very high gain FM antenna from scratch,
based on a Peter Korner design (hard, much tubing to precisely cut, insulators, no money
for parts :( )

Other projects on-going but stalled for lack of motivation and money. Cleaning up my ever-messy bench and workroom, maintaining geriatric test equipment, always on-going

Learning more electronics theory: always on-going and I'm a very poor student, I think due to ADD
psychogizmo Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
Just deal with it, dude. You don't need medication for any of that shit. I went off depression medication years ago and pulled myself out of it. I also haven't medicated my ADD in about 7 years. I dealt with my own shit instead of using my "problems" as excuses and crutches. You create your own happiness. Get to it.
Centaurus09 Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2013
FL> I subscribed to PE until it folded, and quite a few other electronic/audio magazines. Had to get rid of most of the collection when I moved west. My oldest and last remaining subscription to the Audio Amateur died last year thanks to poverty, and my electronic projects have similarly stalled because of no money for parts. I make do with resources
on the Internet ( and attend a local audio club, if I can afford the gas money.

No idea if there are any art groups that meet around here; I know of local artists on DA but I can't afford to attend area conventions where I could meet them, apart from Donna Barr. She's...intense. Scary intense.

I've tried for decades to deal with depression, nothing has worked. I no longer believe anything can be done for it nor for ADD. It has affected every aspect of my life, and if
I can't learn to cope with it, then nothing will change for the better. I can't emphasize
this enough. I've spent too much of my life just passively toughing it out.

Getting employed is my current priority, a great source of frustration and despair in
itself. Been the VocRehab route, essentially useless.

Life without love is lifeless.
JericaWinters Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2013
Just remember it's never to late to try new things. There are artists of every level on here so feel free to just post stuff. I hope your life gets better.
Jimmi-G Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2013
Never give up man. Even when it feels unnatural to not give up. I believe happiness comes from sheer stubborness nothing more nothing less.
nelchee Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2013  Professional General Artist
Is there a life drawing class in your area that you could join? It would definitely benefit you for multiple reasons, you would get more in touch with your creativity, you would learn the skills you need to draw representational art, AND you get to socialize with other people.
Life drawing groups vary in age, from teenagers practicing for college exams to seniors who want to take up a new hobby...
IdNiDveifencetum Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Listen to a lot of music and do things to take away your attention from your depression. Random scribbling, writing, watching anything. Just anything to distract you.
FreakyLaurent Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2013  Professional Photographer
Perhaps You and I could chat
An electronic buff eh?

Remember Popular Electronic ?
Article Carl and Jerry?

You need to get out of the home and start socializing
get involve in clubs

Really need to overcome the depression pal
darkanddefiant Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2013
start cooking.
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