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January 6, 2013
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Depression, Self Worth and Getting Back Up After Life Knocks U Flat

:iconwhiskyomega:
WhiskyOmega Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2013  Professional General Artist
Hello, my name is WhiskyWitch.
I've been a Deviant here for a little over 10 years now (this is a new account...sort of), am 28, live in BC Canada and am aspiring to become a tattoo artist as well as publish a few books along the way.
I am single.
Have no children.
And have just recently come out of a very dark spell for the first time in 6 years.

Depression isn't anything new to me, having suffered with it on and off since early childhood. I was the "fat kid" in school everyone seemed to enjoy picking on and it wasn't unusual to go home sometimes bloodied and bruised; yes, children will go that far to show their dislike for someone. Yet home was no different. Although my parents never raised a hand to me unless I deserved it, they were not exempt from calling me "fat", "lazy", "dumb", or "worthless" should I have done anything not up to their standards.
Later, after I'd grown up, I asked why they'd done that and never seemed to show any sympathy or much affection towards me as a child and was given the answers, "That's how we were raised" and "No one ever patted us on the back for a job well done or helped solve our problems for us, so what makes you so different?"
In some sense I can understand that a person is only a product of their upbringing and the stories I've heard about my grandparents from both sides would suggest that neither of my parents knew much about love and affection; how could they express to their children what they'd never learned from their own?
That said, am I wrong to still think "But that shouldn't have stopped them from learning better"?

Anyway, my teenage years weren't much different, so by the time I graduated I still suffered depression and low self-esteem. I never seemed able to keep a job, a place to live, and failed every single one of my classes in both semesters when I went to University trying to get another education.
Life just seemed full of failures and just when I thought things were working out and I'd finally reached happiness it always seemed like something would come along and take it all away, leaving me with nothing to start over with.

Six years ago, things reached a boiling point when my older brother let me rent a small mobile trailer from him in a trailer park under the understanding that it was going to be sold BUT that he'd offer it to me first when he was ready.
I had a job, made good money, seemed to have my own place to start off with and things were looking the brightest they ever had.
Then, one day, my brother comes to me and tells me I have 15 days to move out because he'd sold the trailer.
I was devastated and with nowhere else to go I moved back in with my parents after they told me they needed help now that they were both disabled.
I've lived with them ever since, helping them as I got back on my feet and rebuilt my life the best I could until recently.

Just last April both my Great Uncle and Aunt passed away (we were very close), my father had to under go 2 months of treatment for bladder and prostate cancer, and my parents marriage has gotten alot rockier then it already was from the beginning.
I'd also suffered a small heart attack in October of 2012 and then got laid off from my job (which i'd loved) in November.
Everything that'd happened over 2012 built up until, just this week when my parents started calling me 'useless' again because I've been depressed over losing my job, I went back over into the rut of depression and literally spent the last two days curled up on my bed feeling like a useless lump with a wasted life.

I am stubborn, however, and while I'd gotten in trouble for it in the past it's always been that stubborn streak in me that's pulled me back up to my feet after being knocked on my knees to continue on.
I'm too stubborn to give up.

I don't know exactly why I'm writing this, but I felt the need to, and it's helped alot.
Has anyone else gone through anything like this?
I'd be interested in hearing other stories about how others have gotten through depression and tough times, maybe draw some inspiration and motivation in the process as well as offer some as one who's gone through it myself.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.
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Devious Comments

:iconxxquorrabrittanyxx:
xXQuorraBrittanyXx Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2013
I was at the other way, I was very slender when girl, but now I'm a little fatty, some people try to annoy me because of that, but I only act friendly to them, but I'll be sure not to be like a puppet. I also like to play videogames, and ride in bike, and some of them said that I'm a baby, but, Doesn't professionals play videogames? Doesn't people ride bikes at the olympics? Be happy in the way you are and you'll be happy forever.
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:iconnevael:
NevaeL Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2013  Student Digital Artist
Wow, I found someone who went through many difficult stuff like me. Your story looks similar too mine in some parts.
I would like to it with you as soon I'll be done with it. Actually I'm writting it and I'll put on my deviantArt's journal tomorrow or in 2 days. I've a meeting with my doctor to speak about how I am now since I was out from hospital since 2 weeks.
If you don't mind we could share some topics when you'll know about my story.
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:iconnevael:
NevaeL Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2013  Student Digital Artist
Ow... sorry I forgot some words -_-. 2:00 am here and I'm kinda tired so forgive me.




Wow, I found someone who went through many difficult stuff like me. Your story looks similar too mine in some parts.
I would like to share it with you as soon as I'll be done with it. Speaking is really therapeutic and it was a good idea to share your feeling in my opinion. Actually I'm writting mine( there is 5 parts ) and I'll put on my deviantArt's journal tomorrow or in 2 days. I'll also post it on the forum.
I've a meeting with my doctor to speak about how I am now since I was out from hospital since 2 weeks so I'll try to finish it as fast as I can.
If you don't mind we could share some topics when you'll know about my story.
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:iconcoreyeacret:
CoreyEacret Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
Check your messages; its not much, but I went through a few things similar, especially the whole laying in bed feeling worthless :)
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:iconwhiskyomega:
WhiskyOmega Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2013  Professional General Artist
Oh wow! You didn't have to do that...thank you so much. :hug:

Yes, it wasn't a good feeling, but things had been mounting and I'm glad it happened because it needed to release and now it's over with and I can move on. I feel much better and am making the changes I need to for it not to have to happen again.

I really appreciate your kind words, even besides your great gift that I'm very greatful for, and value the support probably more then you know.
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:iconorangekrissy:
OrangeKrissy Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2013
Your mistake is staying around people that enable your depression, mainly your family. Family is supposed to support you not derail you. People say you have to love your family, but I say BS to that. Not when they put you down, depress you, and really are uncaring when it comes to how they effect your self esteem. Why do you put up with it? Family or not, if someone can't support me and instead bring me down I will distance myself from them. Someone who calls you worthless when you are there for them in their time of need when they were never there for you are really the worthless ones. I hope you see that family, in your case, is better put out with the trash. Once you get away from the verbal and mental abuse I believe your self esteem will improve.
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:iconwhiskyomega:
WhiskyOmega Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2013  Professional General Artist
That must be easy to say for people who have friends and other family they can turn to, but I don't have either of those things so it's nowhere as easy to turn away from them as you make it sound.
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:iconebolabears:
EbolaBears Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2013
You do not have to turn to anyone.
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:iconwhiskyomega:
WhiskyOmega Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2013  Professional General Artist
I don't understand what you mean. Sorry.
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:iconebolabears:
EbolaBears Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2013
You do not need others for support, you have all the tools you need to survive and get by.

Once you're independent and in control of your life you'll have the time to meet people who can bring substance to your life.

Good luck:hug:
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:iconwhiskyomega:
WhiskyOmega Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2013  Professional General Artist
I'm not sure exactly if I didn't mention this in my post or maybe worded things wrong, but I've been out on my own for many years before this, 'independant', 'in control' of my life, and with no one else for support for anything for as long as I can remember.
So that might have been my fault for not making that clear, but there it is.

And my life has plenty of substance once I crawled back out of the rut I put myself in and looked at it, so there's no need to worry there.

I'm doing alot better now that I got it all off my chest, as keeping it all to myself, alone, obviously hadn't done the job.
Thank you for taking the time to reply and your kind words.
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:iconebolabears:
EbolaBears Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2013
Strangle teddy bears to relieve stress :P

If you're independent, meeting people is then only limited to free time and how much effort you want to put into it.

I think having no support makes you stronger, because you have to prioritize faster, and have your shit together because there is no back up. Or it crushes you and you wake up in a dumpster. One or the other :bucktooth:

I'm sure you'll be fine, just remember, it could be worse. You could be in Syria or a Kardashian
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:iconorangekrissy:
OrangeKrissy Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2013
Actually is is much easier to stay stuck in the mud than to try and make a clean break of it. After reading your profile you seem to have a lot going for you. Seems to me you could make some money and be able to get a place of your own. Get a room mate or two or three to cut costs. Look on craigslist. People are always renting out rooms in their houses in this economy, a lot cheaper than having your own place and you usually get to use the house and kitchen, etc. and you get to meet people and make friends that way too. I know it may be tough, but you have to get out of your abusive situation or you will never feel like you are worth anything.
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:iconwhiskyomega:
WhiskyOmega Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2013  Professional General Artist
That's very true; it is much easier to stay the same then to try and change and I've been there, done that, so don't talk to me like I havn't, please. Things are much better NOW then they have been in the past because I have made big changes and continue to make them.

And what child just up and abandons their parents?
If that's not low, I don't know what is.
They've never beat me, I've never been molested, they've always made sure I had food, clothing and shelter. They may be verbally abusive and not know how to show affection, but it's not something that can't be worked on, which it is and in the last day or so alot of progress has been made.
I won't abandon my parents and I won't run; that's cowardly and I wouldn't be much of a daughter if I did and so how would I feel good about myself about doing that? I wouldn’t.
Hasn’t anyone heard the expression: “Anything worth having is worth fighting for”?

I fell off the wagon a day or so ago and it helped to talk about it, but I'm back now and I know I'm worth alot more then I ever thought I was before.
People like you have helped a lot and if this sounds angry, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it that way. You’ve been a lot of help and it’s helped me to talk about it, more then you may ever know.
I appreciate it, I really do.
But I don’t believe that running away solves anything and that’s where you and I will have to disagree.
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:iconorangekrissy:
OrangeKrissy Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2013
Some just can't admit that they are being abused. But you are and have been and most likely will keep being abused. I hope I'm wrong.
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:iconwhiskyomega:
WhiskyOmega Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2013  Professional General Artist
I know I'm being verbally abused and am working towards stopping it.
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:iconorangekrissy:
OrangeKrissy Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2013
Let me also add: I was in love and was engaged to be married and then my fiance cheated on me. I was totally devastated. I cried myself to sleep many nights and became totally depressed. All I knew is that I had to get away from it so I moved in with a friend to a different part of town and also changed jobs. Once I distanced myself from the cause I was able to start healing.It also helps to have support, either by friends or family (not in your case however) Some counseling wouldn't hurt and in fact could be a big, big help. But that is paramount to get away from the thing that is bringing you down. If you continue to wallow in the mire with the swine in your life you can never make a clean break.
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:iconunmeiia:
unmeiia Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I don't know what to say to make you feel better, I just want to let you know that I really feel that you shouldn't have gone through all of those horrible things. Hopefully things will get better? *hugs*
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:iconwhiskyomega:
WhiskyOmega Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2013  Professional General Artist
I've understood from the beginning that being around my negative parents doesn't help much, but it isn't all bad all the time and they've put up with my crap too, so I never minded coming back to help them in their time of need even if that meant putting up with their negativity.
People who don't understand that kind of unconditional love wouldn't understand why I've stayed.

Things are already better, though, now that I've hashed things out with them and gotten out of my funk. Things were just building to the point they came to a head recently and I'm glad it did, as now I feel rejuvenated and stronger then before.
I'll get through it.

Thank you very much for your kind thoughts and I really appreciate it. :)
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:iconunmeiia:
unmeiia Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
That's great! I'm glad things are better. You're welcome :3
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:iconbarnowlgurl23:
barnowlgurl23 Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Aww I hope things get better for you
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:iconwhiskyomega:
WhiskyOmega Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2013  Professional General Artist
Thank you very much for your kind words, I really appreciate it.

After such a tough year things just came to a head recently and I'm glad they did, as now I feel rejuvinated and stronger then ever. I've also hashed things out with my parents and they now know I'm not going to be taking anymore of their BS.
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:iconbarnowlgurl23:
barnowlgurl23 Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Your welcome
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:iconlollipopsocks:
lollipopsocks Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2013  Hobbyist
Hey WhiskyWitch,

Really sorry for all you've been through. :( What kind of support network do you have outside family? Perhaps, focus on and build those relationships.
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:iconwhiskyomega:
WhiskyOmega Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2013  Professional General Artist
Thank you very much for your kind words, I really appreciate them.

I don't have a support network, actually, and never had one from the beginning to my knowledge. I've always been forced to be my own support, pick myself up every time life knocked me down and give myself a reassuring pat on the back when things got rough. It's made me a very strong person over the years, very independant and stubborn, but it's also made me very untrustful of others because the few people in the past I thought were my friends and support network turned on me and left me. As such, it's very uncommon for me to come forward with my feelings like this, as usually I just deal with it on my own silently.

I am trying to change that, however, as I've realized the way I was dealing with my issues wasn't helping and that I should seek out people who are willing to listen. Posting this helped alot, actually, and I'm glad I did it.
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:iconlollipopsocks:
lollipopsocks Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2013  Hobbyist
:( That really sucks about your friends. While my situation isn't as bad as yours in that regard I have also lost people and get lonely. Are there many groups or hobbies that you are a part of at the moment? Also, have you tried counselling/therapy?

from the sounds of it you seem to be taking a constructive attitude, though.
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:iconwhiskyomega:
WhiskyOmega Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2013  Professional General Artist
I have many hobbies, mostly surrounding art of some sort, but I enjoy it and it helps me relax.
I'm not currently part of any Groups, except online, because I live in a very small community and there aren't any here. I thought of starting something myself, but I'm moving in the spring and don't want to start something I can't finish.

And I can't afford therapy. What counselling I've been to was free for something like 3 sessions, then they wanted money and I haven’t been successful in finding free therapy so far.
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:iconlollipopsocks:
lollipopsocks Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2013  Hobbyist
That's great to hear about the art, had a look at your page and it seems like you really put yourself into different kinds of creative outlets.

Online groups are still something :)

Are you moving to a bigger community?
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:iconwhiskyomega:
WhiskyOmega Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2013  Professional General Artist
Yes, I'll be moving back to my hometown.
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:iconairlessthegoose:
AIRLESSTHEGOOSE Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Hey man,

Such a trooper for going through all of that. Much respect for you :)
So, yea I feel the same way about being picked on, I was always the one getting the shit for being "the weirdo" and "the big kid"
Mainly due to the fact I played a lot of Pokemon games and liked metal/rock music and watched a ton of anime.
I didnt party and rave and that stuff, so I caught shit from 99% of my classmates, and only really had like 2 great friends throughout those years.

And having your great uncle and aunt pass away, I feel for you.
My grandparents both died in the span of 6 months due to injuries sustained in a fall, and that devastated me, leaving me in a similar state you are describing.

Although, thats really it for me, since I havent had all the years of life experience you have, but I do feel sorry for you, and I understand what you are going through.

I do hope it gets better for ya, and I wish you all the best in everything you do in the future.
I dont know how much this means to you as a religious aspect, but I will keep you in my prayers that everything gets better.
Which it will, nothing bad lasts forever, there will always be a light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how dark it may seem inside. :)
And just know, you do have an outlet with me, you can always talk to me if you need to blow off some steam or just need a friend :D

Hope this helped, and thank you for reading
~AirlessTHEGOOSE/aka Lucas :)
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:iconwhiskyomega:
WhiskyOmega Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2013  Professional General Artist
That sounds alot like me too, and for a girl that was into videogames and Poke'mon just seemed to make things harder for me, although I never got into the raving and parties...I was never invited to anything.

My uncle and aunt both got sick really close as well, dieing within 4 days of each other. It's a hard blow losing anyone, nevermind two people so close together, so I understand exactly what you probably went through and my heart goes out to you.

I'm not religious, per-say, but I do believe in a divine being and that positive thoughts can reach people so I thank you very much and appreciate your prayers for me probably more then you know.

Like I said, though, I'm too stubborn to just give up and have no intentions of starting now no matter how bad things get or how much I want to. That's just not who I am.

It feels good to know that I have support if I need it, though. Having tackling this so long alone, it means alot to have a little help once in a while when I really need it. So thank you for that as well.
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:iconairlessthegoose:
AIRLESSTHEGOOSE Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Same here, it was because of my "childish" interests (which is total bulls**t) that nobody told me about sleepovers or hangouts or parties or birthday parties or anything like that.

And I'm sorry, that must have been such a terrible experience for you. So much worse then mine, I mean I had 6 months in-between their deaths, but you only had four days, which is waaaay too short. Again, I am so sorry you had to go through that, no human should ever have to endure that kind of sadness :hug:

And thats great, having that kind of attitude will definitely get you through. My attitude throughout that time in my life was just screw this world type thing, and I was not happy. Looking back on it I realized how stupid I was to not reach out for help all that much, and how I should have had a totally different attitude.

Anytime, I will always be here to help you. Even though I may not have as much life experience, I will try to help. No matter what :hug:
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:iconwhiskyomega:
WhiskyOmega Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2013  Professional General Artist
My parents thought I acted like a kid because I'm 28 and still played videogames and watched cartoons until I reminded them that adults make them, which is the same thing I tell anyone else who wants to call me 'childish' for my interests, so that solved that pretty much.

Yes, losing them so close together was the hardest thing I've ever had to go through in life so far and I hope never to have to repeat it, but it's gotten better through the months and I'm okay now. Although I've noticed that little things that never use to get to me before (like seeing a death in a movie or videogame) suddenly hits home now and I need to take a moment (like the end of Halo 4...that killed me). But things will get better as time goes on.

Having had no previous support network I've been so use to dealing with my problems on my own, alone, and only just come to terms that it hasn't been working and I need to change that.
Which is why I posted this and I'm glad I did, because although I know that I have to be the one to solve my problems and that no one will do it for me, just the kind words of support I'm getting are doing wonders for me, as are the suggestions, and I already feel so much better.

Like, even though you say you may not have enough life experience to offer me much, just you conversing with me and allowing me to express myself is doing alot more for me then you realize and it's wonderful.
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