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January 2, 2013
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interest for animals: a killer for finding a girlfriend/date (Germany)

:icondelphidelphin:
DelphiDelphin Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
Hi,

I'm 30 now, with a deep love for dolphins. I'm actually really searching for a girlfriend since a few years, though I was searching for sex since puberty I imagine. Though I haven't felt like I miss something, hearing all the problems my friends have in the relationships.

I recently had a few badly timed experiences with my close friends that made me think about my social life:

- the couples only doing couple-stuff wich I can't or would feel badly displaced
- to good friends broke up, both stopped talking to me
- my best (female) friend, wich I had feelings for since 2007, found her first boyfriend, lost her virginity to him... in my eyes a complete jerk
- one girl with interest for me turned out to be lesbian
- and another girl, who looks like she can be my new best friend, broke up with her BF and I thought I could date her atleast a few times, but she found a new one in record-time

Now I feel kinda bad that I am still virgin(almost), have no experience with relationships and neither any clue how to successful change that. Also my fear that I miss something essential in life like making love with a girl is pretty strong, also because of my health-history. I'm kinda shy, atleast if I don't know the people, but normally haven't a problem to talk freely... but as soon as it gets to women I have no clue how to even start a talk. My interest in dolphins doesn't seem to help, I might say it's the opposite :( I'm no dolphintrainer, so I'm missing that attraction. My body is quite average, 168cm/65kg wearing glasses, pretty short hair.... nothing to be ashamed of. Though my luck with girls is not existing. The farthest I got with girls in general was heavy petting. There was another occasion but that isn't worth talking.

Another reason, I think, is that Germany hasn't many women with similar interests in dolphins, visiting zoos, or even just stealing ones virginity. The ones I found online and offline are mostly mated, faaaaar away or lesbian (not kidding).

Maybe you can give me a hind here what I should try? I appreciate any help.

Thank you very much
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Devious Comments

:iconstephie99:
Stephie99 Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Women like confidence and surety, so sweating and being nervous doesn't help the situation. You need to first improve your confidence a little. You must not think of sexual things or of rejection, which is strange yes? But that's what makes you nervous, so, you must alleviate your tension by thinking of the woman asexually for now. It will relax you as if you were talking to anybody else. Thus you'll look confident. There's the forward approach, and the passive approach. The upfront, flirtatious approach only works for confident men and even then, a lot of women don't like the forward and obnoxious approach. You don't have much confidence so you should go in passive and when you're comfortable later on in the evening start flirting by simply asking if she's taken or not. and so on.

As for conversation starters, just ask the simple things eg. what do you do for a living? Ask what she likes to listen to - nothing too personal in the introduction. Try to find common ground early on to move into deeper conversation. Women enjoy chatting so it should go well if you ask the right questions. But read her body language so as not to be led on, she could just be being friendly.

Lastly, you're thirty so I can assume that some of the women you try to talk to might be in the brooding stage and are subconsciously looking for a suitable mate to raise a child eventually, and if so they'll be scrutinizing you more than normal to see if you have any suitable qualities.
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:iconstephie99:
Stephie99 Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
My very first forum post... Okay, here's what I think. Firstly, don't let yourself feel too isolated about your virginity situation because it's really not uncommon at all, I in fact happen to know a few over thirties who are virgins - so in other words, don't let that inhibit you further or cause you to develop anxiety issues.
Secondly, maybe start reading books or watching more tv - give yourself some more general topics to discuss when you do meet someone worth talking to, and then pull out your own interests - think of it as a warm up conversation.

Dolphins and animals are awesome so I don't know why you're not attracting anyone... Maybe you're too obsessive about it? Maybe you're only talking about that and not giving up enough information for the woman to decide whether or not she likes you?

You need to work on your shyness a little - some women really like shy guys, but perhaps you are far too shy. A little eye contact and/or a firm handshake in a greeting can really do wonders.
Hope I helped!
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:icondelphidelphin:
DelphiDelphin Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
Oh I'm on-topic on much stuff, I just never find a good entry for a talk I think... I feel a bit like Raj in "The Big Bang Theory"... just without the solution to drink alcohol to get loose... it's ot working for me: I mostly get sick directly. I can talk to girls, but my prob is to find the startingpoint... my shyness to engage in talk with an unknown girl is petty bad :/

No, I mostly avoid that topic. But they make odd faces if they see my car (dolphin on the backwindow) or my phones backgroundimage). And I wonder why.

What kid of information? Please tell me what is for them important? And what is an icebreaker in general?

Hm, eyecontact is okay with me, but I can't remember that it ever leaded to talkig or handshaking... I think I really need a good way to avoid my shyess to kicking in and a good icebreaker to start a talk.
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:icondutchconnaisseur:
DutchConnaisseur Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2013
1. Feel good about yourself. Nobody want a relationship with someone who does not like himself.
2. Treat women as human beings, not as possible mates. So be interested in them because of who they are, not because you want to have sex with them.
3. Online dating. Select a few ladies, start dating. If things don't work, move on to the next. Keep trying until you succeed. Nothing wrong with seeing several ladies at once, as long as you cut it out when you get serious with one.
4. Don't waste your time on possible relationships that go no where. Rule of thumb: If you don't have a first date after 30 days of first contact, move on. If you still don't know if things are serious by your third date with the lady, move on.
5. Always be honest, but try to sell yourself. Flirt.
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:icondelphidelphin:
DelphiDelphin Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
1. I just don't like my voice, maybe thats what annoys the girls?
2. oh I do, my shyness won't let me ask "excuse me, fucking?" even under alcohol totaly rude. I think that's a pro for me? Online I can speak a bit more freely but I don't forget my good behaviour... atleast I hope. :)
3. Doing that since a few month. I must admit that I haven't got many replies yet. Neither a personal date. I think thats another problem: I have no training in meeting new people and dating them... I think the average guy does that while he is.... 15 or 16? :|
4. Do you think that 30 days are enough? How serious are you with that?
5. That's it, I have no flirt-experience. I have seen movies, tv-shows and videos on youtube somehow explaining all the nice tricks but if it comes to use it with girls in reallife all is gone and back is my shyness. Kinda seems like I've fear in front of women...
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:icondutchconnaisseur:
DutchConnaisseur Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2013
1. bullshit. If they don't like your voice, it is their problem. If you don't like your voice, change it. And if you can't change it, accept it and be happy with it. I have turned myself a bunch of disadvantages into advantages.
2. You don't have to be an asshole. Just don't treat women as sex objects, they will sense it if you do. They are HUMANS with all the same feelings you have, including being not sure about things, or having likes and dislikes. They are not whores or godesses, they are humans. Treat them as such. Don't grovel, don't be a macho. Be relaxed, try to have a good time.
3. I started dating real late in my life, and I made up later on. You plunge in, make a number of mistakes and learn from them. And you keep going. Dating is about having both a good time.
4. Completely serious. You can only mail and chat so much. Move to having some coffee or lunch in 30 days, or move on. After 30 days you are not a potential partner, you are the new best gay friend. There are plenty of fish in the sea. If things don't work out, there are still zillion great, interesting, lovely ladies out there.
5. Try it out on a few lady friends. Smile and compliment them. That's about it.
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:iconsiegeonthorstadt:
siegeonthorstadt Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2013
You seem to be overcaring. Dont stop caring, but stop showing it. If you ask 20 girls out, 1 is bound to say yes. Also I see a bit obsessiveness from your way of explaining your experiences. Stop giving an equal chance to the past and look at the future. People are not worth to be taken into account with all their time lapses.
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:iconeldingagunman:
EldingaGunman Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2013
Dude. there are roughly eighty million people living in Germany as of date. How could there not be any single women sharing any of your interests in your country? It really doesn't sound like the problem is that women doesn't share your interests - it sounds like the problem is that you can't talk about anything but dolphins. Even if you DO meet a woman who is as interested in dolphins as you are, chances are she's going to want to speak about other things during your hypothetical dinner date. How could she possibly get to know you, if all you do is talk about dolphins?
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:iconmishihime:
mishihime Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
The dolphin thing just sounds like an excuse for your lack of social skills. It's great to like shit and have hobbies but don't be totally obsessed. Even if a girl liked dolphins, like a lot, she'd be turned off if you had a creepy unhealthy obsession with them. Hopefully it's not that bad. I know tons of girls who love animals of all kinds and adore zoos and outings and stuff like that so there must be some other reason why you are having problems. I'd probably have to meet you to tell you personally, but it seems like you have low self esteem and are awkward. Why don't you make an effort to reconnect with the friends that started talking to you or figure out why they left? Or why that girl friendzoned you and didn't even consider dating you?
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:icondelphidelphin:
DelphiDelphin Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
Oh I asked already, but what should I make out of a "you're not my type" as the reply?
That's my point, without any useful information I'm stuck...
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:iconmishihime:
mishihime Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Is that what she said? Well, you could be legitimately not her type. If that's the case I would not be hung up on one girl and try becoming friends with several. Actually, just becoming friends with people without any hope of a future potential relationship is probably the best thing to do now. Love comes and finds those who aren't looking.

However, there might also be something about you that turns people off? It's hard to say what that could be if you're not aware of it. Grooming is probably the first thing people notice about you. If you are well groomed, smell nice, look nice, and keep facial hair trimmed if you have any that will also increase your chances. Are you comfortable around girls? Or do you get excited or anxious? I would say feeling confident and comfortable with a girl is the second thing that's really important. The third and last thing is being stable and self sufficient. Do you have a job? Go to school? And take care of yourself well? I would say most people in general want someone who's secure and stable and happy with themselves as a person. I don't know if any of these things are your particular issue, but these are all basic things I look for and I think most people do too. Hope this helps.
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:icondelphidelphin:
DelphiDelphin Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
Yeah, but there lies my prob: where do I find those?
I'm not very confident that if I visit bars or clubs
alone that I will get any attention from women.

I think that's a major problem for me. And online I seem to
fail at finding the right words to look interesting them, too.
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:iconmishihime:
mishihime Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Hang out with people you work with after work? They could be male or female and maybe if you become good friends you can meet their friends.
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:icondelphidelphin:
DelphiDelphin Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
looking for a job right now. But even while my last job it didn't work out that well. Personally I would also prefer not to mix work with private life...

I think I tried to keep my old friends so long because I have so many problems to find new friends...
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:iconbunnylicious:
Bunnylicious Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
"You're not my type" generally means that...you're not her type. She's not attracted to you for whatever reason and most likely, nothing you can do to change it.

PS. No such thing as "friendzone". Whenever I hear that word, it makes me want to punch someone.
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:icondelphidelphin:
DelphiDelphin Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
but it's a psychological term. :P You could also say "best friends". Just the "sex, not gonna happen"-zone.
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:iconbunnylicious:
Bunnylicious Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Lmao, I've never in my life heard of it called a "psychological term".

Here's all you need to know about the friendzone: [link]
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:icondorkface4:
dorkface4 Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2013
Don't tell them your a virgin.
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:icondelphidelphin:
DelphiDelphin Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
I imagine that's not the only thing wich makes it difficult.
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:icondorkface4:
dorkface4 Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2013
Well what else are you doing that you think makes it difficult?
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:icondelphidelphin:
DelphiDelphin Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
my shyness, never really had a chance to get some flirt-training. No experience with kissing, too. Isn't that a double-fail for anyone?
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:icondorkface4:
dorkface4 Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2013
Sounds like you just need some confidence. Do the girls you are going for know you lack experience?
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:icondelphidelphin:
DelphiDelphin Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
Some, but not all. I have the feeling like they can smell it. :P
It's freaky, since a friend who is even more shy than me I wonder
what he does different. The girls talk to him while I get no attention.
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:icondorkface4:
dorkface4 Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2013
It must be your body language then. Even though you're shy you should be confident about yourself. You will need to work out what you're doing that's putting them off. Perhaps talk to your shy friend?
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:icondelphidelphin:
DelphiDelphin Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
At the moment I read an ebook that I got from a friend: "The tao of badass", not sure if it helps. The first few pages sounded promising. But hey, I also did read "She comes first - the thinking man's guide to pleasuring a woman", didn't help with my problem, too though now I know how I could drive my first girl totally crazy.

That shy friend tells me every time he is unaware what he does different than me. His clothing isn't a big difference, too.
So I'm his ugly friend and I help him get the girls? What else could be the reason? :P
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(1 Reply)
:iconkaput6no:
kaput6no Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2013   Digital Artist
Almost virgin?
Please explain. :stare:
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:icondelphidelphin:
DelphiDelphin Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
one time fuck, no orgasm. Missed the best part
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:iconsimplylemie:
SimplyLemie Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2013
"Missed the best part" ... yes I think we can call you a virgin.

And I don't even know what half or all of those things you listed has to do with you. So, your friends have normal life where they get together, break up and all that jazz? Good for them. Moving on to your problems (because those are not your problems.) You being desperate, however, is. You don't have a girlfriend so you make a forum thread. Makes sense? No.

Dolphins. They probably don't change a thing as long as you don't talk about them all the time. Do you even have to bring it up unless you're talking about things living under the sea? Just stop "searching" and stop sounding desperate and you might find someone too.
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:iconeisenmann87:
Eisenmann87 Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
THIS!

The best way to find something is NOT looking for it!
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:iconsimplylemie:
SimplyLemie Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2013
The best way to find something is to DOLPHIN! No wait... that wasn't the answer I was looking for.

Looking might work for some people. At some times. But most of the time it only leads to a down spiral where the person doesn't find anyone, getting unhappy and starting to act more and more desperate... which is a major turn-off for (probably) most people.
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:iconeisenmann87:
Eisenmann87 Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
Yes, when you are looking desperately for a girl you just end up being "that creepy guy". And that's not good for anyone. :D
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:iconcatapultedcarcass:
CatapultedCarcass Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Wait... Yes it is.

...is it?
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:iconshininginthedarkness:
shininginthedarkness Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2013
God I hope so
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:iconcatapultedcarcass:
CatapultedCarcass Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Let's just leave together and never speak of this again.
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:iconcatapultedcarcass:
CatapultedCarcass Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Wait... this isn't HWL...
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:icondelphidelphin:
DelphiDelphin Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
uh what?
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:iconcatapultedcarcass:
CatapultedCarcass Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Whatever you do, don't try to feign experience. Use your inexperience as a characteristic and be confident about it. Don't feign confidence either, teach yourself to be proud of it.

Wearing virginity like a badge of honour will make your first woman feel special for 'breaking the challenge'.

Wearing virginity with shame will make women percieve you as 'the last turkey in the shop'.
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:icondelphidelphin:
DelphiDelphin Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
Well yes, eg. told the few girls who showed some interest about it, and that they can teach me how they want it and that they are my first. It never looked appealing to any...

Interesting thing: didn't matter how old they have been.
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:iconcatapultedcarcass:
CatapultedCarcass Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
No, no, no... don't express the intention to make them your first. Give off the intention that they're just another girl who isn't good enough for you, it creates the challenge.
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:icondelphidelphin:
DelphiDelphin Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
I never thought that any girl isn't good enough for me. I think you got me wrong there.
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:iconcatapultedcarcass:
CatapultedCarcass Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I never accused you of it, but I'm suggesting you adopt it.
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:icondelphidelphin:
DelphiDelphin Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
but how would that help? I mean it doesn't matter if I say the girl isn't good enough for me if she doesn't want me. The result for myself is everytime the same. :P
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:iconferaltao:
FeralTao Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2013
So first, disclaimer: I could be completely in the wrong but I think I have something to add here.

Well... Virginity is not really anything you just bring up either and presentation is extremely important. It's not as if virginity is HIV that you're legally obliged to inform your partner about before intercourse.

"So by the way, I'm a virgin, just so you know, in case something happens later... not like, I'm counting on it or anything, it's like whatever you know? But just in case that happens, I'd like you to think of it as a chance to tutor me, teach me whatever you like." At this point the girl is slowly backing away and eyeing the exit, if not physically then at least mentally. Nobody wants to hear beforehand that their sexual experience might do little to nothing for them in the pleasure-department (and that's how it's coming across). That's the kind of investment you're likely to make when it's sort of agreed that this will be a more permanent arrangement of sorts, not while the current deal is one night and the other person is, in business terms - asking you to make a donation.

My suggestion is that instead of talking about sexual experiences (unless directly asked in which case I completely agree with the guy above - don't fake or act insecure about it), be attentive to body language while you interact - listen carefully and adapt. There's a reason why a good listener is a sexy thing, it's not just because women want to vent their heart, it's also because a very perceptive person who picks it up quickly is usually a good lover or at least shows great potential towards becoming one. But really I'd send you on to Doctor Nerdlove's blogpage, his advice on handling yourself amongst women is something that I definitely vouch for and it's none of that PUA-shit. Best of luck.
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:icondelphidelphin:
DelphiDelphin Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
Thanks for the advice, I gonna check that out. What is PUA-shit? :)
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:iconferaltao:
FeralTao Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2013
Oh PUA stands for Pick-Up Artist and refers to the guys who've read The Game and think that acting like an entitled asshole is the way to go in human interaction and have solidly bought into the idea of "alpha" and "beta" males. Because women aren't people you know. Very nice people to hang with.
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:icondelphidelphin:
DelphiDelphin Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
Ah thanks. Never heared of that. But I know the type of men.... obviosly they seem to get to chose from the girls while the more shy, less asshole-guys get not a single watch from them. Or is it just my imagination?
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:iconferaltao:
FeralTao Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2013
In certain enviroments perhaps with certain people, aka the clubbing crowd. :) What PUA have done is that they've taken this concept that is based on specific scenarios and taken for granted that it applies everywhere, for everyone, making it very easy for guys with entitled "I'm such a nice guy!"-issues a nice scapegoat for their romantical failures.
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:icondelphidelphin:
DelphiDelphin Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
I noticed that. I wonder why the girls still go with them and not look for somebody like me.... :/
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(1 Reply)
:iconthegroovymurphy:
TheGroovyMurphy Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
What exactly do you want?
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:icondelphidelphin:
DelphiDelphin Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
at first? Company. Then cuddles and maybe more. Plain sex can be bought. But sympathy and interest in me? No.
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