Oh,sweetheart.I'm so sorry you had to go through all that alone! You remind me so much of myself when I was younger,my parents were at the verge of divorcing and for twelve years I went through not having real or ANY friends too! But it'll get better,please trust me on this, never give up on people,no matter how bad,how lonely it seems, know that there are people out there who are also looking for someone like you! I remember the first time one of my friends right now drew me an artwork I nearly cried because all my life I had always drawn for others and no one had ever drawn for me.I remember I used to be excluded and being awkawd with a certain group of so called friends a few years back,I was like the friend no one wanted to be friends with, and shitty things happened,but I knew that not everyone is like that and I was right! Someday you WILL find some people,someone who appreciates you, who will draw pictures for you, will be interested in your opinion and interests and who will comfort you when you are down! You seem like a kind,giving and sweet person, and I am very sorry you have to deal with such scumbags! A real friend will never tell you are stupid or look down on you unless it's to help you up!You deserve people who will appreciate you for who you are and will respect you! If you want to,I'm always here to talk!
You're not wrong, they are. I'm going through a similar experience, except that I have an amazing friend who I've been friends with for about 8 years now- who I never want to hurt by leaving. Thats why I sit and suffer. I hope you stay strong and talk to me if you need- I've just started confronting them.
Good friends are comparable to a symbiotic relationship between animals. Both sides should benefit, or else it's not like that. You sound like a really nice guy, so you should be friends with people who make you feel as wanted and loved as you deserve. I wouldn't suggest going for the 'popular' crowd, they aren't as accepting of new people. Talk to someone that doesn't look like they have any friends either, or go talk to the small group of the geeky people (Heh, that's who my friends are, and they're great.) There is always someone else. The only friends that should say mean things are the ones that you KNOW don't mean it and you can say mean things back and both laugh. Once you have one good friend, they'll introduce you to their friends, and so on, until you know almost everyone. Just remember to be nice and make a good first impression, because the people you hang out with now really don't seem like they deserve you.
As you describe it, I don't really call them friends. Or really sucky friends. I think, friends are there to give you energy and yes to help you. I haven't had many friends in my life. I wish I had, then I would finish art school but I didn't because I didn't have friends there so I wasn't motivated. And now I'm still barely motivated because I have no friends. Friendship is a very important part of life, we're social animals. That's why friendship is the most important part in love too. To not feel lonely, to want to keep living, to get energy from, to share things with someone else...I value friends.
heretowatchandnotdraFeatured By OwnerJan 14, 2013Student Photographer
At some point at your life, you will find a friend that will laugh, or cry with you. It may not be today or tomorrow or maybe not until two years from now, but you will find someone like Pat or will do all the things that you love to do. All I know is that it may take time to find that "true" friend.
I have never really understood "friends" and how they work. A probable definition is that they are either some parasite clinging to a person of higher standards just to improve society's view on them, and probably because they are expecting some "rewarding" benefits to crawl out of their "affection". Either way, it hasn't worked for me.
I'm just like you, with no "real friends", and scorned for no reason by those so-called "above" me. Though they aren't as bad as the m@#!#$^$%%&!rs you described above, theres still this "wrong" feeling about it. no one wants to be my partner, So I take advantage and do things my way. and I end up get better grades.
so, answering your question, what are "friends" for?
There is nothing wrong with you and your views. What's wrong is the sh#@$%rs that surround you and treat you like what they are. When will people learn that people like you are sometimes people that yearn for........people?
life goes one. it's possibly to ford thorough as a one man team. I should know, I've done it.
The best thing you can do is walk away from these people, since you are a clean person, and just go on as yourself, no matter what society thinks of you. Hopefully you will be able to find a couple of real, REAL friends, such as pat.
It's sad that you are right. Friends do seem like simply parasitic beings. I for one wonder what that makes me. I strive to be around people so they will listen and do things with me. Yes. But in return I want to make them happy and listen to them, too. I want to make them things and share my baking with them. That doesn't really make me parasitic. The opposite in fact. With so many people in the world I can't be the only one to want this.
some of us never seem to fit in anyplace on earth but your time will come you just have to wait for it then grab it with both hands and never let go,also to have friends you have to be a good friend faithful and true,you can not fight,or have your own way all the time
Listen friends are for all those things that you mentioned. But here's the catch: a good friend is Extremely Rare.
The people you mention, I would call them more like acquaintances than friends. A true friend is like a brother or sister, or even closer. A true friend is there for you on sunny days and on cloudy ones. A true friend is everything you said and more.
Unfortunately in our culture, a lot of people call acquaintances friends, and they collect them like one would collect silver dollars or pottery. But I would say, if you haven't found many good friends in your life so far, that is actually normal. Most friends aren't good friends. Be patient, and be slow to really trust your heart to someone. When you find that friend that will last, it will make you so very happy.
I have been through the same sort of thing. I had one good friend when I was 4 years old, and then no close friends until the age of 26.
I'm not good at having friends either. My wife is my best friend, but she's also my only friend.
I'm in no position to give you advice, I'm right there with you.
I personally have never really been close to any of my friends because I expect them to let me down and they always did. I just liked having people around to do fun stuff with but then I would want more from a friendship after a while and that's when things would go to hell. I haven't had any friends in about 3 years now.
Well, I do have online friends. It works for me and where I'm at now. I'll make real life friends at some point but I think it's important to learn to be alone because there will always be times when you have to be alone.
I see. It pains me to hear that people have to go through this. So many people tell me they are in the same boat. Maybe instead of naming that boat the boat of lonely people, it should be the boat of worthwhile people. Just a thought. And at the very least, online friends would be nice.
Friends are for all the things that the people you've been unlucky enough to get involved with failed at. Furthermore, friends help each other improve as people instead of giving up at the drop of a hat.
You seem to have a bad luck streak going for you. Unfortunately it is hard to find people who will perform the latter part of that duty.
Re: being a "downer" - you have every right to be upset at things, but maybe you were dwelling on them too much? If so, what a good friend would do is try and help you get your mind off it - not tell you to shut up. This is what I mean about helping one another to improve as people. In a good kind of friendship, you'd be bringing out their compassionate side and they'd be helping you be more positive.
What your main problem seems to be is that you're getting too attached to the kinds of people who are taking advantage of you. Unfortunately, people do that by being manipulative - they LOOK like awesome people from a distance, but really, they're jerks, whereas a lot of the actual nice people are the quiet ones who get easily overlooked. Next time you see someone sitting alone, you might try talking to them.
And sometimes, sure, friends are the kind of people who shout and curse at each other and call each other names, but it's always in a joking kind of context - you should see me and some of my friends playing video games; ordinarily I curse like a kindergarten teacher, but when one of them FUCKING DRIVES ME OFF FUCKING RAINBOW ROAD THEY ARE "ABSOLUTE FUCKING CUNTS" for the next five minutes, because that's just how it works. If it's ever real, thats not friendship, that's abuse.
But, considering that your parents blame you for everything, I'm going to offer you a few bits of advice:
1.) Stop believing that everything is your fault. It is not. I can guarantee you this. Just because they're your parents doesn't mean they're right. And I know that while it's easy to accept something like this on a factual basis than it is to really FEEL its truth when you've been programmed all your life not to, you have to keep working at it. People who don't beat themselves up are far more pleasant to be around and to just BE. If you can afford to, you might consider seeing a therapist. It's nothing to be ashamed of - therapists are awesome and really, just as important for a lot of people as medical doctors if not more so.
2.) Start looking for patterns of people taking advantage of you. As soon as they start, stop doing them favors. This is the easiest way to weed out the jerkasses and find people who will be friends based on compassion and respect rather than "Oooh, what can I get from THIS person with minimal hassle? 8D" Apparently you haven't gotten much direction from them as far as telling good relationships from bad goes (not to say that your relationship with them as a whole is bad - just do be wary of when people jump to blame you for everything you had even the slightest involvement in because statistically it's pretty close to impossible for it to be true), so unfortunately you've gotta start trying to figure it out on your own. By default, we often look for friends who remind us in some way of immediate family - they're the first "friends" we have, after all. Therefore, even if your relationship with your family is mostly healthy, if there's a persistent problem in it, you're probably going to find friends who give you problems until you learn what you're looking for in a person - or rather trying to avoid.
Interesting... I could never imagine life without some of my friends. They are meant to be enjoyed, caring and when the time calls for it, helpful. If you feel you are being irrational, maybe I can lend a few words...
When I am with someone, I always take into account how long I have known them for. If you are going to START with the emotionally needy stuff, no wonder you seem like such a downer to alot of people. People can be, and usually are, very generous and caring... when they like the person in question. Starting with telling them about your problems is way too confronting for people who have just met you, but it is not so confronting when they know you and how to talk to you.
Also, have you considered how you some across when you are asking for emotional support? If you are just venting towards them, well, ot many like being on the receiving end of that. It may even make them feel hated. Whenever I want emotional support from a friend, I try to make them feel needed. I directly ask them and let them know that I am telling them something I wouldn't usually share. Things like that makes people feel appreciated.
We want to help our friends, and we should, but sounds like you are doing too much. You have to draw the line somewhere, or you will be exploited and appreciated only for what you can provide, not for who you are.
I have to admit, even the closest friends have to not be themselves around each-other sometimes. My best friend... I have had to be two-faced around him many times... I have to... I have no choice... It's more normal than you might think. And there are even times where I have to be blunt and hurt them, even if I know the pain will last for weeks... But I only do that out of wanting them to avoid a far greater pain...
I also deal with it. I was so alone, when I was a little girl. All those time I learn that the happiness doesn't come to you, you have to come to it, be happy at the way you are, think is all the good things in your life, and smile, smile everytime you can, I'm here if you want to talk too.
Well to saya with a friend's words:"A friend is planning your parents furneral so that you can mourn without caring about technical things." At least for single children this should be the matter, because everyone in their family is older than them and will likely die before them.
I know that if I had to associate with people like the ones you're describing, I would want to beat somebody's head into the wall. Preferably theirs, though I'd do mine if I had to. My point being, they sound like scumbags, not friends. Don't let scumbags be taking advantage of you. And all those questions you asked? Yes, that's what friends are for, and I'm sorry that you do not find genuine friendship qualities in those people.
Sometimes I really want to. And then sometimes I remember that they're all that I have, And that I can't. And I have to learn to be patient. So friends are for all those things... Well, maybe not all of them.
Friends are a complicated thing. I've learned this one too many times. I've had friends that have called me names, messed with my head, ridiculed me, smashed my heart in tiny little pieces, stab me in the back, and a number of other negative actions. It sucks hardcore. However, my life has gone on. I have a friend that has seen my dark side and I've seen his and we accept each other. I trust him. I'm managing to try and make new friends. I get to do all those things you mentioned above. Nothing's wrong with you. Other people are. My mom always told me that I attract troubled people that zap all my energy and resources and put me down despite all I did for them because I'm a good person. So I'm going to guess you're a good person that the wrong sort of people are attracted to. It happens. I think you're pretty cool.
Bugger. Forgot to add never to beg for anything. If they accept all kinds of favours from you and can't even be assed to invite you to their gatherings, they aren't worth the time. Seriously. Don't ditch them, but look for new friends while you're at it; just be open to working on your own flaws while you do so.
Either I'm extremely wrong and not friend-worthy (Which is probably the case, of course, as everything is always my fault, or so say my parents,) or... Friends aren't for any of these things.
Little bit of both, but perhaps more of the former? My friends do pretty much all of those things for me, and I hope I'm not the only one with a large group of decent people around me ranging from close friends to good acquaintances.
I think 'wrong' isn't a good word, though. You don't sound like a raging shithead and 'wrong' implies that, to me. It seems more like a problem of your attitude and possibly a small pool of people to be friends with. If you want to make good friendships (because these people may be friends, but they are not good friends at all) you need to start valuing yourself better. Be generous and all that, of course, but don't give everything you have; it encourages people to take advantage of you and shows them that you don't care about your own time or money, so why should they care about it?
If they say you're a downer, why is that? Is it because every day you have a new issue that you want to cry about - I've had friends like that and they are bloody difficult to like after a while, I admit - or is it because they're too self-absorbed to care? Maybe you could do with trying to at least act more positive (fake it till you make it and all) for a while because misery is infectious if you're always around someone who's unhappy and always showing it.
Really, though, try looking for new friends, because it really doesn't sound like you have much in common with your current ones. If you're in college, try joining a club of your own interests and looking for people there. The world isn't full of douchebags, but you can't act in a way that encourages people to be douchebags to you or it'll attract them.
"Friends are not for these things". Aye but those people don't really sound like your friends because friends are at the least people who don't drain you emotionally. I say, cut them off. It's too late to get out of there clean, yes they will be assholes, yes there will be drama but the least you can do for yourself is to get out of there to save that last ounce of self-respect instead of letting people shit all over you. And for the love of all that's good in the world, stop making yourself a bloody doormat for them, they don't appreciate you more for it and bluntly both you and they respect you less for it.
keychain-XIIIFeatured By OwnerJan 2, 2013Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I would think if those are your friends, I'd hate to meet someone you'd call an enemy. Course then again, remember Dilan? He was an asshole, and still is. I can say without a doubt that those people are not your friends. My suggestion would be to find other people who will accept you as you are. I know if I hadn't moved, this wouldn't be a problem. But I am moving again, and plan on going to a college that would be a lot closer to you, so that could be something to look forward to.
I don't know what exactly a friend is. Someone whom you share a strong bond with, filled with joy and good memories? Someone who can and will look after you, through good times and bad? I think those are some qualities of a good friend, don't you?
I think you just stole my mind! I have a lot of those 'friends' as well. The sort who are only there when there is something worth getting from me. The ones who you spend so much time trying to help, looking after. Then they throw it all back in your face. My friends recently had a party and didn't invite me. My friends refuse to let me talk about my emotions, and unless they want something from me I may as well be dead. I keep them because I don't want to upset them...and well it is easier than claiming 'I'm a loner'
Whilst I don't suggest dumping your current 'friends' always be on the lookout for new ones, I recently met some really really really nice people who accept me for what I am, and constantly go out of their way to make me happy. They are the friends I want.
I guess friends like that are there to let us kid ourselves we aren't loners :') But deep down...they aren't really friends if they aren't willing to help when times get tough
well with my freinds we look out for eachothers problems, Help eachother through shitty times and generally have a blast. Infact theres a party i do not want to go to saturday and my buds are turning up just so i dont get bored, so im bringing some CD's and were going to have a mosh pit in one of the spare rooms.
Freinds are people who look out for you and people you can have fun times with.
Well, do YOU think they're your friends? If not, their opinion just doesn't fucking matter. It certainly doesn't sound they act like friends, that's for certain.
Of course, it could also be that you have a bitter approach to life and fail to see your own flaws reflected back at you. But that is not something I can seriously discuss over the internet, regarding a person whom I've never even met.
See, that's the whole point. When I look around, everyone seems to insist that this calling eachother names, pushing each other down and degrading each other and not listening to others is exactly how friendship is supposed to be. They insist that friends are leaches who steal all your food without asking, shove you into things, and call you a bitch, stupid... So on and so forth. I'd like to think friendship is a helping hand that you can grab onto to help you out of the darkness, a hand to high five when you do something awesome, a hand that gives when help is really needed, and a hand to which you may do all these things in whichever way you can. If that were the case, then no, these people definitely aren't friends at all. But since that seems not to be the case, and that they are simply there to shove you more into the dark, then yes, they are definitively what you call 'friends;.
I know that when I am with someone who is truly wonderful, however, I am incredibly cheery or, at the very least, cynical in an apparently very fun fashion. I just feel like I can't be that way around people, since i never get a say in anyone's conversation.
I'm sorry, mate, but that is not what friends are supposed to be. These people should not and can not decide what you think a friend should be like. You already described a friend that moved away; if these folks doesn't feel like that guy did, then chances are you don't even LIKE them. And they honestly don't sound like they like you either
Why can't you be that way around other people? if you cannot get a say in their conversations, there isn't much need for you to even try to talk with 'em since they don't seem willing to listen. Hang out with the people you like and don't give a shit about the people who try to push you down. And, most importantly, get your priorities straight; YOU decide whom you should call friends. The way you describe them, they doesn't sound very friendly to me..
Friends are for sharing your troubles and listening to theirs, for accepting and being accepted, for helping and getting help from, for being yourself around and letting them be themselves, for hanging out with, and yes, sometimes for hugs. The people you have are not really friends.
if you victimize yourself for something that isn't your fault, you will cause yourself pain for no reason. Instead of being a reason for self doubt, this can be a reason for an external hope and quest: to hope for and seek a good friend. they do exist, and there are out there people who would be good friends to you.
we can't fix a broken society. but we can learn to live in it and navigate it.
some people live in savage deserts that seem inhospitable. because they learned how to adjust their life based on the environment, they are so well adjusted that they are even happy to live there. same theory.
if those desert people had spent their whole lives trying to become cactuses, they would have died out a long time ago.
Depends on if you really bond and become like family to that person. Otherwise "friends" are really kind of just acquaintances. But there will always (for most people) be the small few that are like family.