To be fair, these are all fairly normal thoughts. I don't think I know ANYONE who hasn't been a bit depressed ( and I have a grandmother that's been so depressed that she was one of the last people allowed to undergo electroshock treatment because her doctor honestly had no other ideas on how to deal with her - I totally thought it was outlawed years ago ), nor anyone who hasn't at least once considered suicide, even if as just a passing thought.
I, too, am completely alone in my life. My sister, my three best friends, and anyone I thought I could depend on simply vanished off the face of the Earth all around the same time. My therapist dumped me because I was "too advanced a case" for her to handle, apparently ( WTF? ). I have not had a soul to really connect with on a deep level to even talk about rudimentary gripes for a couple years now. It's been complete and utter Hell. To make matters worse, I've become HOMELESS, JOBLESS, and lost my 14,000$ scholarship in order to help these people who've abandoned me. I have NOTHING left. And yet, here I am, looking for more people to help. Life isn't really worth living if you're keeping it all to yourself, after all. At least, I feel that way.
If you want, you can feel free to contact me via AIM, Skype, or MSN. Kyeaideh for both AIM and Skype, and Kyeaideh@hotmail.com for MSN / Windows Messenger.
Suicidal thoughts have been literally a several-times-a-day occurance for me for as long as I can remember. When I finally decided to get help for it at 18, I was diagnosed with bipolar type I, PTSD, and major depression. I cannot say that I understand a "phase", but I can understand the feeling since it is simply how my brain has been wired my whole life. First off, I would not depend on Tumblr for any kind of help. I got an account in 2007 and over the years it's startling (and slightly annoying) to see how many people whine about depression that, I must admit, I'm pretty sure their hormonal selves don't even have. Since that's something that most users of the site are aware of, they're a lot less likely to help the people - like yourself - who truly need it. Tumblr isn't a very good place to ask for help when most of the people who talk about depression/suicide/self harm/mental illness are just doing it for attention. I'm proud of you for saying that you don't want to "do anything stupid". That definitely shows that instead of wallowing in sadness, you do want help and I'm very glad that you have at least given thought to reaching out for help. I know a lot of people would tell you to call a hotline. I would back those people up in a second, but at the same time I will share my personal experience with those hotlines in case you have never called one. I don't know where you live, but I live in a rural area. Because of that, I get transferred at least five times to different crisis centers (they need to get you with the closest one to you, because that way they can direct you where to physically go to, like a hospital). I don't have any near me, so it's annoying because all I want to do is talk. When I get the chance to, I'm the one that does most of the talking (and so will you). I personally did not find it very helpful because usually whoever I'm talking to tends to be judgmental and they sound like they aren't in the mood for talking, which inadvertently makes me feel worse. You'd be surprised how much parents can be helpful. The last thing for ANY parent to want to know is that their child has thought of suicide. You have to remember though, that they are older than you and maybe they themselves have had (or know someone who has had) thoughts like that. The other thing you have to remember is that you are their baby. You're better off telling them instead of keeping it hidden. Those thoughts can manifest beyond anything you could ever dream of, and before you know it things will be a whole lot worse. Fortunately, depression is treatable. You can see a psychiatrist (it's not as bad as it sounds, I swear) and try medication, talk therapy, taking up a new hobby, talking to an adult you trust, or (since you mentioned a suicide hotline, but no access to a phone) there's a website called crisischat.org. It's just like a suicide hotline, except it's just a one-on-one chat with a crisis volunteer. You can also talk to me, I can't promise to solve your problems, but I will certainly listen!
I used to get depressed from time to time when I was younger. I have a bit of an issue with anxiety and would get down on myself about it, like there was something wrong with me. Suicidal thoughts played out in my min and I was inflicting cuts on my person until I went to see this one psychologist. He got me into guided meditation and really turned me around. It's kind of like clearing my mind out and focusing on things that really matter to me. Expel the bad and feel renewed by the good. I've now accepted that my reclusive nature is just a part of who I am and that there is more to me to take pride in. If your interested I think there's a section on the Vaults of Erowid "Mind & Spirt Vault" with guide and what not to get started.
I'd tend not to listen to much advice on the internet as I view it as the place scaremongers like to lurk and spread their false information. Just my point of view anyways. Maybe a WebMD article for reference but a trained physician would be better for concrete answers to your problems.
I recommend seeing a doctor. I was depressed, had sucidal thoughts and started hurting myself this summer. It got to be too much so I saw a doctor and got on anti anxiety mess and antidepressants. They really help. He also recommended reading a book called "feeling good" and keeping a journal.
I think you should find someone to talk to in person; while there are many people on the Internet who care and who have had similar experiences, we aren't pros here on DA. Is there anyone in your life whom you trust? A priest or pastor or other religious leader? A teacher, professor, or counselor?
I've found this nicely written little page by a non-professional. Maybe it will help you to read it. It also provides links to other resources: [link]
This organization will communicate with you via e-mail, if you are uncomfortable using the phone: [link]
I hope this helps. Please consider talking to your parents about how you feel. I know you are scared of hurting or stressing them, but they would also want to know if you're struggling like this so you don't have to go it alone. Please consider talking to them.
And, JapanHonda, you don't have to go this alone, because you are not alone. there are people who want to help you and who will.
You can talk to me I fall into depression a lot and I know it helps to have someone who will listen to you and offer advice rather than just give you sympathy (omg sympathy and pity make me so angry lol) So note me about whats wrong and I will try to help as much as I can.
Depression isn't a joke, it has chemical affection on your body just like heart illness and cancer. People may not think of mental disorders as real illness, but they are, and should be cured as fast as possible!
Agreed! This is not something you can just "snap out of". This is a chemical inbalance in your brain, and it can be treated. Please find a professional who can help you decide what you need, JapanHonda!
keeping busy can help. Writing, drawing or any other hobby can help. This can also make you feel better about yourself as you progress at a skill. keep away from negative things at all costs and always try your best to stay positive. If you need someone to talk to you can add me on steam.
So instead of asking your parents for help, or even using their phone, because you don't want to "scare" them or anything (even though they love you and would give you all the help and support you could get), you'd rather risk suicidal thoughts manifesting and leading to you actually committing suicide? How do you think your parents would feel after that?
Seriously, you need to find a way to get professional help. Even a school counselor is better than nothing.
Oh my... Dear, it really helps to have someone to talk to. You can write me a note anytime. I can't say that I will be of any help... But sharing your thoughts might help.
I know how it feels. I've been through it and sometimes I still am. Last year in december I also thought about killing myself. I was actually just a step away from it. I had a day with a total breakdown. I couldn't stop crying... It was hard. It was a nightmare. But I had a friend to talk to and this helped me a great deal.