I think if you have enough to support yourself then that's when you announce just in case the worst happens. It is a sensitive topic and I believe a good parent should support their child's preference and their own sense of identity. In all honesty brace yourself.
If you're going to do it, do it with a parade and flashing rainbow signs. You only get to come out once, right?
But I recommend that you don't. What are you trying to achieve by telling them, and would you get it? Most likely not, so don't bother. Find another outlet to confess your orientation to, such as friends.
When parents choose faith over their own children there's something seriously fucked up with them. You obviously know your parents better than anyone here. So you know how they may react.
But you know what... Your under 17, you've been with your GF for over 3 months. Why fuck it up by letting them know now?
Id be waiting until your 18 and or have already moved out. Right now you probibly have more freedom with your girlfriend regarding her staying over than you ever would if they knew.
Use that to your advantage.
Having said all that, If it were me... id not even make a deal of it. id behave completely normally around them when your girlfriend is there. Honestly.. when they see how you are around each other... they will figure it out themselves.
If YOU make a big deal out of nothing... how can you expect them not to? I say don't hide it but don't announce it either, If your acting like its nothing... then they may also.
Well you love your parents as you say, and I believe your parents love you even more. A true parent cant and will never reject their child. No matter what the situation may be. YES it may be hard for them to accept and to understand and how to respond toward you. But if they truly love you they can not reject you. Most importantly keep the family bond and love for your parents. Their is a special bond between family that no - one can break! if however you are still very afraid to speak to your parents about it or if anything bad happens please let me know.
ZeroPinkElephants... any updates on how you are feeling?
I do agree with a lot of the people... I would wait until you are able to support yourself. At the earliest, I'd consider talking to your parents after you graduate from High School. I have quite a few friends who had similar struggles as yours. Most notable is my lesbian friend, who happens to be the daughter of a pastor. When she came out, her family disowned her.
I don't mean to make things sound scary or hopeless, but you need to be able to handle the worst case scenario at the time you come out.
Well, I can't say I've been EXACTLY there, but probably closer than most people. I don't have the religious parents, but I've got the same identity quandary as you're explaining. I, personally, wouldn't try to bring this up to your parents if you believe it could cause relationship issues IF you value your relationship with your parents. One way or another, they WILL have to either accept or revoke you, but that's their decision and it shouldn't colour yours.
As for the psychology behind "coming out", you are effectively telling everyone, "Hey, you know that person you thought I was? I'm not. That person is dead. I'm actually this completely other person." Therefore, you will create a grieving process, and people approach grieving differently. Remember that DENIAL and ANGER are parts of grieving and you WILL have to face them, so don't shy away just because of that. My parents have tried to turn a blind eye and "hope" that my feelings were "just a phase" for OVER TWENTY YEARS, yet they're slowly beginning to figure it out. My parents are, however, livid at me wanting to change my name ( What? Be named after my grandmother who ENCOURAGED her boyfriends to RAPE her daughter for the sake of GETTING BACK at the ONE MAN with balls enough to break up with her? I don't think so ), but that's something they'll have to accept, because the name I was born with is NOT the name that's going to help me embrace my new life.
Grieving for most people takes SEVEN YEARS to fully complete, and it seems that with "highly religious" types of people, that can be a whole lot longer. Religious people tend to hold beliefs and paradigms in high regard, so it tends to be incredibly difficult for them to change their perspective on ANYTHING, but you're young now and you parents have decades left to go. I know MANY older trans folks who said their parents disowned them when they first came out, but now, decades later, they're once again a happy family ( or mostly happy, at least ). It's scary, and you'll be asking everyone to completely throw out EVERYTHING they knew about you, and accept something COMPLETELY new.
"But I'm they same person I ever was!" you'll argue. Okay, that's true. To YOU. Only you know what's going on inside your own head. You might list off a series of traits that makes you YOU, but to be fair, you could likely also list off those traits and come up with at least a dozen other people that would fit the bill in a one hundred mile radius, at least. From everyone else's perspective you're going to be a whole new person who's only VERY SIMILAR to the person they used to know. For MOST people, this ought to be a very easy transition to make, but remember, they're not in your head - they're not as familiar with nor as comfortable with this new identity as you are. They still have to vanquish the old notions and embrace the new ones, and that'll take time.
Give everyone time, and if you can't get on hormones right away IT WILL NOT BE THE END OF YOU. Check out these guys ( [link] ) they're all trans-men, and it's very, very likely that very, very few of them ( if any ) started their transitions young - almost guaranteed on the older gentlemen there. You can hardly tell any of them started as women! FtM tends to be much more successful in terms of "looking like" the desired gender than MtF, so I wouldn't sweat it too hard if you can't get your parents support right away.
As I don't know what your parents are like (nor have I ever been in this situation), I can't offer a solid, 100%-foolproof-plan-type thing. I will offer the best advice I can, though.
I think the best thing to do for now would be research. Get a lot of material from trusted sources that you could use when bringing the topic up with your parents. That way, you can clear up a lot of the confusion and maybe help them understand better.
Maybe read up on different ways that others in similar situations have handled it -- you might get some ideas. Also, pick the right moment. The middle of a fight, or when you're all about to go to bed or something might not be the best time.
And, again, I don't know your parents. I don't know what they're like, nor how they'd react. So, take a few moments to think about all their potential reactions. If they're the sort who would do something drastic (such as throw you out or something), then it would probably be best to wait until you've moved out of home and can support yourself. It's not a fun thought, but it's likely highly preferable to the alternative.
I also want to add just one more thing: I have a male friend who identifies as female, and she recently came out to her mum. Her mum has been really accepting of it, so just know that not everyone is going to be a judgemental moron about it. I wish you the best of luck. <333
What good would it do to 'come out' I think you have to be at least 18yrs old until you can start any sort of hormone treatment. Therapy is such a waste of time and money. If you can't keep this kind of thing secret, how will you cope when the truth gets out there? Are you trying to make things easier for yourself? Is it some kind of teenage rebellion? Just wait it out and then as an adult you'll be free to do what you like
Honestly, you might have to wait until you're out on your own to become who you want to be. Since you are under your parents' roof, you have to abide by their wishes and there's no getting around that. Even though I came out to my parents at fourteen, it wasn't until I was in college that I was even able to start transitioning.
For the time being, see if you can dress more androgynously, as others have said. And above all, just be yourself. You don't really need to attach masculine and feminine labels to your actions. In today's society, women and men do almost all of the same things anyway. When you're older, and have a foundation with which to approach transition, you can start to put a lot more thought towards it.
And when you're older, they're really not going to care as much about it, so long as they know you're on the path toward a fulfilling life. Odds are they'll be more busy trying to figure out who they are in their old age. Sorry if that isn't what you wanted to hear, but that's how things are, unfortunately.
Starting with someone who has less power over you, or who you have more faith in to not be judgmental would be a good idea. A school counselor might be able to help you find all those resources you're looking for.
I was very nervous about telling my parents I was gay, and even though it went ok, I was glad I went down other avenues first.
DON'T TELL THEM A THING!!! You won't mess it up, they will. If you are still a minor and dependant on them don't say a word unless you want to be on the street, unless you don't want to go to college. Don't tell them until you can stand on your own. Sorry to be the voice of reason here, but if they are religious they care more about their imaginary friend than you. Or rather they care more what other people think and will only care how it makes them look. Talk to the people here, talk to me if you want, but don't tell them- or at least not at the same time! If they are together they'll think they have to back each other's bigotry up, only approach the parent or sibling you think is most sympathetic or other family member if you suspect you have anyone who might be like us. I went through a load of crap from my family and only now like after a decade of nothing have they started wanting to talk to me again (or at least my baby sister wants to hear from me now that the father-creature is dying). I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, you want to think they wouldn't do that, but I hope even one person could learn from my mistakes and not repeat them.
"if they are religious they care more about their imaginary friend than you. Or rather they care more what other people think and will only care how it makes them look." That's gotta be one of the most offensive generalizations I've seen in a while.
I'm not offended as I'm not a religious, but it's still offensive.
I appreciate you trying to help, but I don't think adding that his parents don't care about him (in b4 you call me out on a hyperbole) helps at all, when you know nothing about his parents other than their religion. I'm truly sorry that you had a very trying experience, but telling someone how another person feels about them when you don't know could just confuse them further.
(If OP is reading this, sorry if I'm referring to you with an incorrect label).
I was offering my experience, it can be taken or left. I'm pretty sure they knew to take anything anyone said on the dang internet with a great big hunk of rocksalt. I have no idea what country this person is even in. There are countries where a person can be put to death for being gay or trans and if you think there aren't you are the one who is ignorant (or tragically naive).
(at least I had the decency to use genderless pronouns throughout)
Try asking your parents about what would they do or say if you said you were pansexual. Or ask them if they would support you if you came out.
If they give an opposing/rejecting answer, ask them questions on why. What's unnatural about being a LGBT? Most of the things we use today are "unnatural." Cars, clothes, even most food is unnatural. So why is being a LGBT unnatural and wrong, besides the religious view of it being "wrong"? What's so wrong about being yourself? This is who you are and how you feel, so they should accept it. If they don't really agree with it, fine. But your parents should still accept you and support you. My parents are Catholic, but they said that if I was an LGBT, they would still accept me and support me. I even have relatives that are LGBTs.
If you try asking those types of questions, you'll at least make them think about their reasons for opposing LGBTs and thus, you may be able to change their viewpoint a bit. c:
Sorry if this doesn't help. I know someone who identifies herself as a pansexual, but I have no clue how she managed to tell her mom, if she ever did tell her. I might be hanging out with her this weekend, so I'll see if I can ask her about that, just to help give you an idea of how she came out to her mom. c:
popaganda77Featured By OwnerJan 17, 2013Professional Photographer
"Try asking your parents about what would they do or say if you said you were pansexual." This is dumb. I can tell you what his parents, and everyone else's parents would say: "What the fuck that's not even a real thing grow up"
I don't have any problem with pansexuality or this poster, but come on. No one who's religious and/or a parents to someone as old as this kid is going to know what pansexuality is.
I'm not saying they need to ask it that way...They can ask it in a way that will actually make sense to their parents, like just asking what they would do or say if they were something other than straight.
To be honest, I can't advise on the best way to come out to your parents other than choosing a time when you can sit down and talk together uninterrupted and being completely open and up-front with them, making sure they understand that this is who you are, your identity, rather than any kind of phase or choice (both of which are unfortunately things that often get thrown back at teenagers when they share unexpected or unconventional news).
I don't know your parents so I have no clue how they would react, but if you think they're likely to need time and space to get their heads around your news, then make sure you give them that and are available to talk again when they have questions (as I'm sure they will). It might be helpful to have some resources on hand for them to investigate, such as PFLAG and Transgender Canada - it will also reassure them that they aren't the only parents to ever receive this news and will give them avenues for exploration and the opportunity to talk to other people in the same situation.
If you haven't already, I suggest that you look for some support too, whether through online forums/website or local LGBT groups. That way, you'll be able to share your experiences with other people who have been through the same thing and understand where you're at.
I think that.. They're gonna find out eventually, one way or another. Your family is religious so I imagine there will definitely be some sort of resistance to you coming out. Perhaps you could go to a counsellor to help you figure out the best way to come out to your family? Not sure how much that would cost in where you're from, but counselling is probably affordable.
If you don't wanna do that, I'd say just come out with it. Maybe sit them down and have a chat, have some thing providing information (pamphlets, websites they can look at, idk) so that you can show them it's not natural or wrong. If you think it might go badly and they'll want you out, then have some support and a place to stay for a while.
Depends on how long before you can live independently. Coming out clean is all well and good but the fact of the matter is, you need to have a plan B if everything goes pear shaped. They might reject you or they might accept you. Is there anywhere you can go to if your parents do not accept you. Either way, it is going to be hard. Maybe coming clean and hoping that their love trumps their religious dogma, it is best that you come clean. It is really brave of you of coming clean. Think about these points though and best of luck.
I wish I could add something here, but I just don't know what I could say. All I have to offer is: Come right out with it. They're your parents. They should be understanding and accepting of everything you choose, and try to be supportive with your choices.
It depends on the parents, though. I'm simply working off what I've been taught by my own. I may be dark and crazy, but I can accept people for who or what they are or choose to be, and will support my friends in any way I can.
Why make a big deal of it? Why not just be who you are, and let them ask about it if they're confused? Why should the burden be on you to have to make some big announcement that you're pansexual when the burden should be on them for being shocked by it? I never had to announce to my parents that I'm straight and identify as female.
I'm not asking about my pansexuality necessarily, though your comments towards it are appreciated. This post is more concerned with the ftm-coming-out. It's a bit different.
I don't WANT them to be shocked by it. I wanted a way to break it to them, not rub it in their face. I really do love them, and they love me, but they probably won't like or accept this aspect of me. That's what I'm mostly concerned about.
I don't see why that should be your burden either. Their intolerance is their problem, not yours. Just mention it when a relevant conversation pops up someday. "Sweetie someday when you're a mom you'll understand." "Well actually I intend to be a man by the time I start a family, so I'll never be a biological mother, but possibly a father."
If they love you, then they accept who you are no matter who that is. If they don't accept you, and they can't love you for who you are, and they won't support you in being true to yourself, then maybe you shouldn't concern yourself so much with people who exist to bring you down.
Clearly, you've never dealt with religious loonies before. There are plenty of cases where parents would disown their children for just being gay. How do you think these type of people would react to their girl "turning" into a guy? The OP is smart for not "being himself" around the parents, because OP fears for being thrown out. How would they support themselves, being under 17? You need a job in order to rent any sort of property and most of them require a deposit + 1 month rent. I'm all for people living their lives they way they want, but you shouldn't be stupid about it.
They are 17. In USA parents can disown their children and/or kick them out, when they reach the age of 16. I'm all for social justice and that the kid shouldn't be treated any different, but real life is not a movie, not always will you get a happy ending.
No, I've dealt with plenty of religious loonies before, and I've decided time and time again—and at very young ages—that if someone is going to put their dogmatic, hateful beliefs over the supposed love they have for me and loving concern for my wellbeing, that they are not worth any of my love or consideration. I've had a nun grab my arm in 8th grade and threaten me if I didn't choose to go to a failing Catholic high school instead of the very good, highly respected public school I also got accepted to—not because it was in my best interests, but because it meant more to her and her diocese to get one more body into that school than it meant to them for me to actually succeed in life. I've known people who have been molested by priests and clergy who have covered it up—once again acting in the best interests of the diocese than the child. I've known women convinced it would be a sin frowned upon by God if they divorced their abusive husbands—because the Church tells them so. I've seen a good show and acquiescence to a faith by malevolent and selfish people receive more praise than actual good deeds by those of ambiguous beliefs. All this under the age of 15. And yes, I've even seen a 17 year old lesbian friend come out to her supposedly loving parents and subsequently get disowned and kicked out of her house for being evil and wrong, and I believe that individual in her individual circumstance is currently better off without those parents in her life. I've seen exactly how ironically evil and deranged and unyielding the religious can be and my rigidity is because of it, not in ignorance of it.
That said, I do agree that the OP should wait until she is not financially dependent upon her parents to do this (my 17 year old friend struggled to live on her own after her incident and got into some other bad situations because of it), and I think I stated elsewhere in a reply to someone else's comment that I agreed with doing that first— or I meant to and may have overlooked it. It's crazy distracting being home with my family and it wouldn't be the only reply I've written and had to discard this week because my terminally ill mother suddenly needed me. I do apologize if I missed it because that's a crucial point.
We tend to love the members of whatever family we get born into. That doesn't mean those people deserve us if they mistreat us. It's a hard thing to swallow, but we all have to stand on our own two feet someday and the sooner you learn that loving and respecting yourself is worth more than earning the love and respect of any other person—including family members, which is a completely random status anyhow—the better off you'll be.
I speak from a lot of firsthand and secondhand experience, not out of my ass because it sounded fun.
Self-EpidemicFeatured By OwnerDec 25, 2012Professional Digital Artist
How old are you? If you are living with them, honestly, I wouldn't say. Not now, when you can stand on your own two feet financially, that is fine. You don't want them potentially putting you in the potential of some crazy correctional facility.
That said, when you are, perhaps just write a letter. I would see this as the best way, so they can't call you stupid or say you're making it up for attention. I don't know what they are like, so perhaps I am more worried than I should, but I feel this would be a good approach.
Have you spoken to your partner about this, what does she feel?
Without going into specific ages, I am below seventeen years of age. By the time I can support myself on my own, I'll have been living in the wrong body for many years. I can of course remain patient, but I sort of feel like... now would be easier, in the long run.
The letter is actually a good idea. I guess, do you think it'd work to write it before I have somewhere to go, out of town or something like that, even though I'd have to return home eventually?
She is accepting of it, and she's getting used to using male pronouns and such around me. Doesn't hold much relevance to the topic, but I love her for that. She's my best friend and I'm really happy at least one person supports me.
I'm really casting about at the moment, I apologize if I'm being stupid in some way
Self-EpidemicFeatured By OwnerDec 25, 2012Professional Digital Artist
I understand how you maybe feeling, but there really is such a dangerous line, if you were to be thrown out, at such a young age you just wouldn't survive. My suggestion is to spend as much time stopping at your girlfriends house, and try out more androgynous clothing. If you have long hair and want it short you could donate it. Its a more, eh, christian approach, but be more, masculine ( I'm trying to avoid typical stereotypes ).
The letter is a good idea, because you can choose to express it when you feel, but I still think you are far too young. Not your age, because of your maturity, but more the danger you could be placed if you can't financially secure yourself. Especially if you are under 17, you will almost definitely get "oh its a phase" type attitude, that isn't your fault, thats just the response to anyone who isn't "normal" in their eyes. If that makes sense.