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December 25, 2012


Replies: 55

Coming out to my parents, how do I do?

ZeroPinkElephants Featured By Owner Dec 25, 2012  Student Writer
I've identified as male for several years now, but it's taken me a long time to accept it. I was born into a religious family and I was told that such feelings were unnatural and wrong and etc. In addition, I am attracted to every gender; I identify as pansexual. Even leaving out the fact that I have a female body and I've been with my girlfriend for a little over three months (which would NOT go over well at all with my parents), how do I tell them that I want to start on T, look for a good therapist, all of that? I'm a minor with little chance of doing any of this by myself and it is best, I've heard, to start on this path early.

Any help/support at all would be greatly appreciated. I love my parents, but I don't know what I'll do if I mess it up and they reject me...

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Devious Comments

oathbinder-3D Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2013
I think if you have enough to support yourself then that's when you announce just in case the worst happens. It is a sensitive topic and I believe a good parent should support their child's preference and their own sense of identity. In all honesty brace yourself.
luxkrux Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2013
If you're going to do it, do it with a parade and flashing rainbow signs. You only get to come out once, right? :lol:

But I recommend that you don't. What are you trying to achieve by telling them, and would you get it? Most likely not, so don't bother. Find another outlet to confess your orientation to, such as friends.
moofactory Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2013
When parents choose faith over their own children there's something seriously fucked up with them.
You obviously know your parents better than anyone here.
So you know how they may react.

But you know what... Your under 17, you've been with your GF for over 3 months.
Why fuck it up by letting them know now?

Id be waiting until your 18 and or have already moved out.
Right now you probibly have more freedom with your girlfriend
regarding her staying over than you ever would if they knew.

Use that to your advantage.

Having said all that, If it were me... id not even make a deal of it.
id behave completely normally around them when your girlfriend is there.
Honestly.. when they see how you are around each other... they will figure it out themselves.

If YOU make a big deal out of nothing... how can you expect them not to?
I say don't hide it but don't announce it either, If your acting like its nothing... then they may also.
MYTHICSONOFGOD Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I don't think your parents will stop loving you. But if they are Christian they will never accept it.

I pray your family makes the right choices
Messenjah-Black Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Professional Traditional Artist
Well you love your parents as you say, and I believe your parents love you even more. A true parent cant and will never reject their child. No matter what the situation may be. YES it may be hard for them to accept and to understand and how to respond toward you. But if they truly love you they can not reject you. Most importantly keep the family bond and love for your parents. Their is a special bond between family that no - one can break! if however you are still very afraid to speak to your parents about it or if anything bad happens please let me know.
StripedPower Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2012   Digital Artist
If they reject you, they never loved you in the first place.

Just my :twocents:.
ShadowStone13 Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2012
ZeroPinkElephants... any updates on how you are feeling?

I do agree with a lot of the people... I would wait until you are able to support yourself. At the earliest, I'd consider talking to your parents after you graduate from High School.
I have quite a few friends who had similar struggles as yours. Most notable is my lesbian friend, who happens to be the daughter of a pastor. When she came out, her family disowned her.

I don't mean to make things sound scary or hopeless, but you need to be able to handle the worst case scenario at the time you come out.
DemonLog Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2012  Hobbyist
Well, I can't say I've been EXACTLY there, but probably closer than most people. I don't have the religious parents, but I've got the same identity quandary as you're explaining. I, personally, wouldn't try to bring this up to your parents if you believe it could cause relationship issues IF you value your relationship with your parents. One way or another, they WILL have to either accept or revoke you, but that's their decision and it shouldn't colour yours.

As for the psychology behind "coming out", you are effectively telling everyone, "Hey, you know that person you thought I was? I'm not. That person is dead. I'm actually this completely other person." Therefore, you will create a grieving process, and people approach grieving differently. Remember that DENIAL and ANGER are parts of grieving and you WILL have to face them, so don't shy away just because of that. My parents have tried to turn a blind eye and "hope" that my feelings were "just a phase" for OVER TWENTY YEARS, yet they're slowly beginning to figure it out. My parents are, however, livid at me wanting to change my name ( What? Be named after my grandmother who ENCOURAGED her boyfriends to RAPE her daughter for the sake of GETTING BACK at the ONE MAN with balls enough to break up with her? I don't think so ), but that's something they'll have to accept, because the name I was born with is NOT the name that's going to help me embrace my new life.

Grieving for most people takes SEVEN YEARS to fully complete, and it seems that with "highly religious" types of people, that can be a whole lot longer. Religious people tend to hold beliefs and paradigms in high regard, so it tends to be incredibly difficult for them to change their perspective on ANYTHING, but you're young now and you parents have decades left to go. I know MANY older trans folks who said their parents disowned them when they first came out, but now, decades later, they're once again a happy family ( or mostly happy, at least ). It's scary, and you'll be asking everyone to completely throw out EVERYTHING they knew about you, and accept something COMPLETELY new.

"But I'm they same person I ever was!" you'll argue. Okay, that's true. To YOU. Only you know what's going on inside your own head. You might list off a series of traits that makes you YOU, but to be fair, you could likely also list off those traits and come up with at least a dozen other people that would fit the bill in a one hundred mile radius, at least. From everyone else's perspective you're going to be a whole new person who's only VERY SIMILAR to the person they used to know. For MOST people, this ought to be a very easy transition to make, but remember, they're not in your head - they're not as familiar with nor as comfortable with this new identity as you are. They still have to vanquish the old notions and embrace the new ones, and that'll take time.

Give everyone time, and if you can't get on hormones right away IT WILL NOT BE THE END OF YOU. Check out these guys ( [link] ) they're all trans-men, and it's very, very likely that very, very few of them ( if any ) started their transitions young - almost guaranteed on the older gentlemen there. You can hardly tell any of them started as women! FtM tends to be much more successful in terms of "looking like" the desired gender than MtF, so I wouldn't sweat it too hard if you can't get your parents support right away.
InkySnowflakes Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
As I don't know what your parents are like (nor have I ever been in this situation), I can't offer a solid, 100%-foolproof-plan-type thing. I will offer the best advice I can, though.

I think the best thing to do for now would be research. Get a lot of material from trusted sources that you could use when bringing the topic up with your parents. That way, you can clear up a lot of the confusion and maybe help them understand better.

Maybe read up on different ways that others in similar situations have handled it -- you might get some ideas. Also, pick the right moment. The middle of a fight, or when you're all about to go to bed or something might not be the best time.

And, again, I don't know your parents. I don't know what they're like, nor how they'd react. So, take a few moments to think about all their potential reactions. If they're the sort who would do something drastic (such as throw you out or something), then it would probably be best to wait until you've moved out of home and can support yourself. It's not a fun thought, but it's likely highly preferable to the alternative.

I also want to add just one more thing: I have a male friend who identifies as female, and she recently came out to her mum. Her mum has been really accepting of it, so just know that not everyone is going to be a judgemental moron about it. I wish you the best of luck. <333
UncleGargy Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
What good would it do to 'come out' I think you have to be at least 18yrs old until you can start any sort of hormone treatment. Therapy is such a waste of time and money. If you can't keep this kind of thing secret, how will you cope when the truth gets out there? Are you trying to make things easier for yourself? Is it some kind of teenage rebellion? Just wait it out and then as an adult you'll be free to do what you like :-)
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