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December 21, 2012
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Someone, please help me.

:iconamaya-hikari:
Amaya-Hikari Featured By Owner Dec 21, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Okay, so I'm gonna start from the beginning. I was home schooled for two years (6th and 7th grade) and now I'm back in school (8th grade). I have to deal with the stress and struggles from school, but at home, my mom (who is divorced) is always raging and ranting about how I'm always doing thing wrong and how I make it so hard for her and I don't try to make it easier for her and she's a real b!tch to me tbh. I try to do my part, make good grades, graduate middle school and move on to high school, but she's always making me feel bad and between tutoring, dance classes, piano classes, ect. I barely have any free days to relax. As for school, I often like to draw when I'm not doing any assignments and there's always these boys who stand over me at recess and call my pictures gay, stupid, ect. when I doubt they can do any better. And the ring leader of them all is also saying stuff that offends me even though he means it in a joking manner. For example, I have a cheap pair of head phones (that I paid for myself since my mom doesn't spoil me) and every time I take them to school he always says stuff like "Oh, she brought the sh!tty headphones to school" and when I was sitting on the ground drawing at school, he'd point out all the things in my drawings and tell me what I was doing wrong (which I go upset and ended ripping up the drawings that he critiqued). I also like these guys called SMOSH from youtube and I even bought jelly bracelets with their logo on it (because I love them so much) and he's always telling me "Smosh sucks" "You're an idiot for buying that bracelet" ect ect and I try to play off, thinking in my head "Oh, that joke hurt, but I'm gonna pretend it was funny anyway". I'm already insecure, having to look at other girls around my school who have no worries in their life what so over and I stress over the fact that because I have to to rely on others to help me keep my grades up, when the major tests come around, I'm gonna fail them and not be able to get into college because getting left behind in math and I know it sounds stupid, but I have to look at all these other kids bragging about their grades and it blows my self esteem and it doesn't help having these boys saying the sh!t that they do and me, being the nice person I am, let's them do it. And yesterday, I got really upset over something that my older sister said (she's REALLY negative) and I took the blade out of a razor and cut myself. :/ Doing such a thing has been on my mind for a while and the thoughts of cutting and suicide kept coming back so frequently that I just went ahead and did it. Right now, my school is on Christmas break and I'm a real wreck. I've already told my best friend what I did (and she cried) and we both got really upset after I told her why and that I wanted to die. I don't want anyone's pity (which is why I refuse to tell my mother, she'll go into her "blame everything on myself" mode). I constantly hint at what I'm feeling (a lot of the times in my artwork), but no one seems to understand or get the message that I'm hurting and that I really need someone. This has been going on for far to long and I've just about lost all hope of getting better. I have this cut on my left arm to prove it and now I have to live with the fact that I did this to myself and that I can't go back to the moment I pressed that blade to my skin. No matter what I do, it always seems to disappoint someone. I don't want anyone's opinion, pity, ect. I just want to know, while I still have the LAST bit of positive left in me, what I should do. I'm sick of pretending to be happy when I'm actually dying on the inside. I'll just admit it. I need help, but I don't know WHO to get it from.
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:icondylan40:
Dylan40 Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
On the bullying part. I wasn't a person who stood out to much back in High School. I did get picked on at school more or less verbally. This part never bothered me for the most because most the stuff they said never bothered me. I have physically got picked on before. Lol. After a while that part stopped.

I'm sorry to hear about all the things you have to deal with at home and at school. I had to deal with stuff at home as well during the early years of my high school. It had gotten a bit better when I became a junior but it did drag on. Being able to deal with it all payed off though. I am currently going to college and shouldn't be in there to much longer thankfully.

I know I said quiet a bit about myself on here and also left out a lot as well. My advice stand up for yourself at school, and depending on what it is at home, and at home. Your not even at your halfway point in your life yet. As hard at is for you to deal with prepare yourself for after school. That is where you can get away from it for a long while if you choose to do so. If you plan on going to college I know of websites that help High School students get scholarships, Freshmen on up, for college.
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:iconamaya-hikari:
Amaya-Hikari Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
UPDATE: Sooo, school is back in (they decided to start the new semester on a Thursday) and my mom just chewed me out for trading video games with some kids at school. My little sister ratted me out and now my mom is going on and on about it and making me feel sad. Telling me I'm a pushover, I have no street smarts, I'm too nice, ect ect. And I told them all of the details, but everyone (my little sister, older sister and mom) all said that I was lying. So packed up all of my gaming systems (and video games), hid them away and I decided that I'm not gonna play video games anymore. They still don't know that I cut, but I'm actually starting to consider suicide since my mom said that I cause her so much "grief". I know you guys said to get help, but I don't ever see my school counselor around and I never have time to schedule and appointment with her. The cutting has also become more frequent too and I'm starting to lame myself because I'm to stupid to actually ask someone for help.
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:iconnataliebee:
NatalieBee Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2012
I was bullied every day in middle school, both in school and outside of school by my classmates who were neighbors or through online threats. I also turned to artwork, which is a MUCH healthier way to vent than cutting yourself. I've done both, and I prefer the drawing--much less clean-up and no risk of infection <3

As for responding to the bullies, I would get pretty violent, and actually got into fist fights during school (I only hit the boys, and the ones I hit never bothered me again). However, when I would talk instead, I would be frank to them. "Why do you think it's OK to say that? Why would you even bother wasting your breath talking to me if you're just going to be nasty? What are you hoping to gain from making me miserable? You're wasting my time." Every time, the bully was just shocked to hear me say this, and would just walk away. If they tried to respond, I would just turn my head and ignore them. Eventually they would go away.

As for your mom, she's doing the classic "I'm stressed so I'm gonna vent it out on the people close to me!" My dad's an expert at that. I have to be really authentic with him and say "You know, there's a nicer way to say that" or "If you're going to be nasty to me, don't talk to me at all." And boy does he EXPLODE when I do that. He'll take me into a separate room and try to fight, but I just cross my arms and calmly/quietly say "I wasn't looking to fight. I said one thing. Everything is fine." Then he forfeits out of frustration. Because I do this, he usually comes to his senses and apologizes later on, even if he has to wake me up at night to do it. And when he does, I thank him :)

People are really hard to deal with! It's like playing a game--you gotta know how to play them and how to react ;)
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:iconmeganprime:
MeganPrime Featured By Owner Dec 30, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Hun you are loved. Don't let them get to you. I will tell you right now, Middle School is Hell on earth and everyone who graduates from it should get an award. You need to be strong in these hard times and not give in to cutting or suicide or other self harm. I know this is hard to believe, but it does get better. I was where you were years ago, and I know it's hard and everything sucks, but I promise you it does get better. This is just a stage in your life, it will all pass. When you go to college, you will NEVER see any of these people ever again if you don't want to see them. Life gets so much better with age, right now you just have to go through these hard times. When you're an adult you can do anything you want and people are more accepting of you, starting with high school, and they get better and more understanding when you get older. Hang in there love, you're beautiful on the inside and out, don't let anyone tell you otherwise. :huggle:
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:iconcirstyn:
Cirstyn Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2012  Professional Digital Artist
Amaya, first of all, it was really brave of you to tell us all this. Kudos :-)

Do you have any people at school you are friends with, or who you'd like to be friends with? Sometime that makes going through bullying easier.
Also - go see the counselor at school if you can, and if anyone calls you stubborn, just tell them that the fact you're stubborn doesn't mean you're _not_ getting bullied.
Are there people at your school who also do art? Are there people there you'd like to be friends with? Are there any other gamers there who you can hang with, just a little? In addition to the excellent advice most of the others have given you, sometimes it helps to just be with other people at school, if only a little.

As for self harming - is there a hotline you can call? The reason you're probably feeling a little better after the cutting is because of the pain-killing chemicals released in your brain - they're called endorphins. I don't think it's the right way to go about venting your frustration, though :(
I did a google, I wasn't sure where you lived, and I found an old link about cutting resources you may find useful from Seventeen magazine:
[link] - they have staff who can listen to you, and help you find someone who can help you. If you start to cut, you're right, it's gone too far, and you need someone to help you.
There is also self injurynet [link] which also lists resources

Also - Vent through your art. It doesn't always have to be pretty, or pleasing to the eye - sometimes it's just about how YOU feel.

I see a lot of others have offered shoulders and ears - and I am offering mine as well :)

C
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:iconrunespainter:
RunesPainter Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Keep your head up.
"God gives his hardest battle to his strongest soldiers" -Unknown
Religious or not, believe in this quote.
Take a deep breath and focus on solving one problem at a time.
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:iconl-echo-l:
l-Echo-l Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
my friend, to those bullies out there being so rude, just know that 20 years from now, they will be living with their mothers...they insult you because they are inconsiderate, jealous, pissed off at the world and themselves, or their just trying to by cool. The image that people give are nothing but illusions cast in a shallow pool. you have a talent that requires practice and patience and hard work. you are right to say they cant do any better, they do not have the strength or the confidence. if that bully decides to "critique" your art further, then hell! improve what he insults...make it so damn good that he can't say one bad word about it. of course, being butt heads they are theyll always insult you but if you find friends that can support you--they will become nothing but idiots. the words of the negative should NEVER matter in your life, listen to those who support you.
Albert einstein once said Everybody is a genious. But if you judge a fish on it's ability to climb a tree it will live it's while life believing it is stupid.
That is honestly my favorite quote ever, you do what you love to do. find people who are willing to grow up (i found it easy to get along with adults--although i was shy at first i found out quickly that most will give you kind truths...and as a child/young adult that's what you should hear) look for people who will lift you spirits...they are the ones that matter
but do not forget to understand both sides of the spectrum...do not be those bullies. consider and try to understand both sides of future conflicts. there can be a fine line between good and bad..be sure to understand the cause before you judge the effect.
i do not need to know you to understand you have brilliance--surround yourself with those that can help bring it out.
<3 and if you ever need to talk, add me as a friend or find some way to talk--i will always be there to listen:)
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:iconamaya-hikari:
Amaya-Hikari Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Thank you for your kind words and advice.
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:iconl-echo-l:
l-Echo-l Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
its no problem at all, i hope it helps:)
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:iconmosstarkitteh:
MosstarKitteh Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2012  Student Traditional Artist
o.o There are a lot of parts to your story that are a lot like mine. I was home-schooled and I have issues with my mother, and I was bullied my first years in school (the first two years being by boys) but no one really believed me.

My best advice to you is to persevere through it and really connect with your best friend. It's good that you told her! Now she knows what you're going through, and she can help you through your hard times. Remember: in a few short years, you can claim your life for your own! It will get better eventually.

Ignore what they say about your artwork. Just keep practicing and doing what you're doing; they're most likely jealous. ^^

Also, making friends and doing activities on the Internet helps me through my hard times. You can find so many people with similar interests or in similar situations and make connections with them!

This has also probably already been said, but you should try and make an appointment with a school counselor. Just getting it off your chest to someone with the power to help you may help you become less stressed. :)

This last part's probably kind of cheesy and doesn't necessarily work of everyone, but during one of my dark times I turned to a more religious/faith outlet and began praying to God. That helps me to vent, and also to realize that someone upstairs is watching out for me.

Remember: you're never truly alone! If you want to talk to me some more, feel free to message me. :D

~Mosstar
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:iconamaya-hikari:
Amaya-Hikari Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
After seeing all of these replies, I guess I'm not the only who's felt like this before. I thought I was alone, but I guess not.
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:iconmosstarkitteh:
MosstarKitteh Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2012  Student Traditional Artist
It's nice to know that you're never alone, isn't it? :)
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:iconali-st:
Ali-St Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I'm not going through a great time either, but I'm just trying to get through it. I try to take strength from anything I can, friends who listen, the people who care about me and even songs that have inspiring messages (sounds stuid I know). You can make it. You posted here you wanted help. In a few years, when you have put all of this behind you, you can look back and say that YOU made it through this. That you put up with all this crap for a better future. You just have to keep going and look for positivity anywhere you find it. You can talk to councillors, doctors even. Counsillors aren't like shrinks, they can't prescribe drugs and a lot of them don't have a lot of information about depression and stuff like that but they are great for just getting all of these feelings out and they do this for a job so they won't get as upset as your friends, because they probably heard a lot of crappy stuff so they can deal better than friends or family. They are really good at listening and unless someone is in danger of harm, it is totally confidential. :)

And you mentioned these people that seem to a better life than you do. The best piece of advice that I have ever received about my own issues was that 'everyone has their sh!t'. Everyone has problems in their life - whether they show them or not. TRUST ME; everyone will have a sh!tty period in their life (some are worse than others). I'm not trying to demean what you're going through but if you are hiding how you are feeling from others, they can hide their feelings from you. People are good at that. People are also good at ignoring signs of things of that are wrong so it's not surprising that they haven't got the hints in your art. I think that people like to assume that everything is okay and don't want anything to destroy the image of okay-ness that you project. Almost subconsciously, they don't want to try to find the bad things because they don't want to feel down. This should not mean that you should hide what's going on, because the people who care about you will want to help you through it. Or they should want to. Just keep in mind that when you try to hint at people they may not get it.

I can relate to you a lot as I have had suicidal thoughts and I can't tell my mum because she will blame herself and then I'll need to be there for her, when I really want her to be there for me (sounds selfish I know, after all my mum has done for me). But you can tell your friends and if your best friend got that upset then maybe you should ask her (real nice and calm like) that you would like her to be there for you because you trust her and you want to feel better. It can be upsetting that your feelings upset people but don't make that be make you shy about sharing them.

And for what it's worth, I think that you are a really strong person for handling all of this stuff. I think that I would be much worse in your position and you sound like you can handle it, you just need a bit a help now and again. You definitely have my respect for dealing with all of this crap. Sorry for the incredibly excessively long reply but I really get what you're going through and I wanted to help someone who feels the same as I do. I hope I did help. :) Good luck!!! I mean it!!
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:iconebolabearvomit:
EbolaBearVomit Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2012
Break up the text wall.

Do not worry about material possessions or the people who think they're important.

Do whatever you can to move out as soon as you're 18.

Good luck.
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:iconamaya-hikari:
Amaya-Hikari Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I know what I want to do and what job I want when I get older, but the day I move out just isn't getting here fast enough. I want to go homeschooled again, but my mom won't let me.
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:iconebolabearvomit:
EbolaBearVomit Featured By Owner Dec 24, 2012
Just have goals, work towards them, and stay healthy. Once you're free it'll be a different world.
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:iconmangekyomarie:
MangekyoMarie Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2012
Gosh you have brought back a flashback for me, I've been through everything you've been through. I was home-schooled as well and I have no relations with my family, that drove me crazy to do many stupid things when I was younger and I don't want to see you to do anything like that so please, feel free to note me, I can tell you need someone to talk to, vent to. I'm the type that doesn't like to vent to people about my problems, I hate being a "bother" to other's, but please you do need to talk to someone. My door is open anytime. :cling:
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:iconbrunomonsterberg:
BrunoMonsterberg Featured By Owner Dec 22, 2012  Student General Artist
I'm sorry to hear you've been going through some tough times. I feel your pain when you talk about your art and how people critiqued it and you ended up destroying it. When I was in seventh and eighth grade, I was in a pretty similar boat actually. My only friend in the school I went to left after sixth grade and I had one other friend but by the beginning of eighth grade we weren't really friends anymore. It was a dark period of time. I was alone. I got bullied by kids and even the teachers (it was a Catholic school) too. Nobody helped me. I sat with one kid each day who critiqued my writing and wanted to read it, only to tell me it wasn't very good and that I was some shitty person.

I almost killed myself twice during eighth grade. Once I was going to jump from the school's roof. Heck, I even got up to the roof somehow. But my fear of heights convinced me to go back down. The second time I was going to overdose on pills. But again, I backed out of it. I had gone to therapists before but my mom believed they weren't working so we stopped going to them.

I never showed anyone my writing. People always told me it was bad and I could never really bring myself to share it. Now, it's easier since I've shared my writing more and I've gotten some positive feedback. So now I feel better.

Don't let anyone discourage your art. So one person says it's bad. But does that make it bad? No. It's hard but you can push through. Believe me it's possible. You should definitely talk to a counselor. If not, try and reach out to some people. Try to make friends. Those are one of the best things to have in the world: Friends. Cause even when it's darkest, they'll be there to catch you if you fall.

And if you ever think it's bad, talk to people here on dA. They're great. Heck, even note me if you ever wanna talk and you feel alone. It's a community that cares. Artists are those kind of people.

You can do it. Don't give up.
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:iconamaya-hikari:
Amaya-Hikari Featured By Owner Dec 22, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I'm sorry that stuff happened to you. :( And I'm just very serious about my art and I know that no matter what, my art is always going to be critiqued, but I don't know what I did to this guy for him to treat me this way.
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:iconbrunomonsterberg:
BrunoMonsterberg Featured By Owner Dec 22, 2012  Student General Artist
It happens, sometimes. Some people don't need any motive to treat people badly. Like the Batman quote "Some men just wanna watch the world burn." It doesn't mean the world has ever done anything against them. But they just like to see people in pain.
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:iconmechakraken:
MechaKraken Featured By Owner Dec 21, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I'm sorry your going through all of this. I remember public school, it was terrible for me too. Basically it was all stuck up rich kids, yet I was poor. You might wonder, what was a poor kid doing in a rich community? Well, due to problems at home, me and mom had to move back into grandpa's house, in the rich community. Yet my mom couldn't work, and the best job I could get was minimum wage for my age. Then grandpa died and I was basically paying all the bills on my minimum wage check. Felt like I was working for nothing, in addition to my mom ever demanding more and more from me. "YOU GOTTA CONTRIBUTE. YOU GOTTA CONTRIBUTE. YOU GOTTA CONTRIBUTE." she would always say, in a really mean tone. I'll never forget those three words, they haunted me for a long time now.

Well anyway, now that you know what a poor kid was doing in a rich community, the other kids were complete assholes about it. They saw that I was alone and defenseless, and would make themselves feel better by lowering me. They'd see me walking home from school and drive right up to me, throwing food wrappers and beer cans at me. They'd laugh about how I didn't have a car, and no one liked me because I was ugly and poor and I should just die. No girls wanted anything to do with me either, only the jocks and the rich kids got any time from them.

I feel your pain. I'm not gonna lie to you, you're pretty much trapped right now. So you are going to have to take some abuse for a while, until you can get a job and move out. That is exactly what I did. As soon as I was old enough to get a proper job that could pay an apartment's rent, I left. I got foodstamps and then worked my ass off to support myself. Eventually though, I got depressed because I wasn't going anywhere, stuck in a dead end job unlike the rich kids who had family connections and moved straight up the coporate ladder, never knowing what it was like to go without. I lost my job because I said the hell with it, and found myself in a homeless shelter.

During that time, I saw that there were many other people like me in the shelter. Nice people who weren't out looking for trouble. Life had dealt them a bad hand, and some of them were fighting to recover. I learned that even as poor and unliked as I was in the school, I was still a person, and ahead of so many other people still. I didn't have kids of my own to raise. I didn't have a substance or drug problem. I had intelligence. I was not disabled. I could do it if I tried. This was a huge revelation to me.

So... I found a job and worked my way out of the shelter. Got an apartment, and applied to college. I got my Associates, took time off, and then went back for a bachelors. I'm still working on things, but I just want to tell you that it does get better. It doesn't matter what people say to you, because ultimately it is your life. You have the right to tell them "GO FUCK YOURSELF". You have the ability to not care what those low-life's think of you. Because as much as they like to make fun of you, after school is over forever, they will completely forget about you. You were there to amuse them and make them feel better about themselves by lowering you, that is what they think. And when school is over and they have gotten their use out of you, they will forget you just as quickly. So why care what people like that think?

I am glad that you have a best friend to talk to, that is so wonderful. And I'm glad you reached out to ask for help here. Give other people a chance to help you. Some people are not that smart, like that idiot from connecticut. Don't give up, keep studying and as soon as you can, get a job and get out. You will feel so much better about yourself once you are free, and don't have to take other people's crap. They can take their misery and shove it up their ass. Because you will be far and away, with an education and a job, and most importantly of all, prospects. Don't give up!
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:iconamaya-hikari:
Amaya-Hikari Featured By Owner Dec 22, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I'm sorry all of that stuff happened to you and thank you. :)
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:iconninjasuselongnames:
ninjasuselongnames Featured By Owner Dec 21, 2012
If you drew those things in your gallery and those guys are calling your drawings gay / stupid...

THEY LIKE U.

ur prolly quiet as well... and sitting in the corner not talking to too much people...

they won't leave u alone cause too much cute.
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:iconcirstyn:
Cirstyn Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2012  Professional Digital Artist
Yes, because nothing says "I LIKE YOU" like a group of boys treating someone like shit over a prolonged period of time, as she described above, and there's nothing like enforcing negative and mixed messages stereotypes on young women who are defacto being bullied.

The fifities just called - they want their attitudes back.

C
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:iconamaya-hikari:
Amaya-Hikari Featured By Owner Dec 21, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I usually talk to everyone, and bounce around, happy. Most of the time so no one will suspect anything is wrong though.... I've always been that way, trying to make other people smile when I can just barely do that myself.
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:iconninjasuselongnames:
ninjasuselongnames Featured By Owner Dec 21, 2012
ok, that's also cute.

anyway, the point it is, they like u.

they dont want to compete with smosh so dont make them jelly. guys tease girls they like. ok?
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:iconninjasuselongnames:
ninjasuselongnames Featured By Owner Dec 21, 2012
sorry, not all guys. but alot of them do.
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:iconorangekrissy:
OrangeKrissy Featured By Owner Dec 21, 2012
Don't they have a school counselor there? You are being bullied and it needs to stop. Talk to the school principal or something as you certainly don't need this and it will continue if you don't.
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:iconamaya-hikari:
Amaya-Hikari Featured By Owner Dec 21, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Well, there's actually a back story as to why I haven't been to the principle yet (and it's kinda of the reason I went home schooled). I was being bullied in 5th grade and when I tried to tell someone, they didn't listen to me and I was labeled as stubborn. -I- was always the one in trouble when things boiled over too. The Principle thought it all was a joke and laughed at me. I don't really see the counselor around much and I don't know how to get in contact with her.
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:iconorangekrissy:
OrangeKrissy Featured By Owner Dec 22, 2012
Simple, just go to the office and make an appointment with her or him.
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