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December 21, 2012
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Someone, please help me.

:iconamaya-hikari:
Amaya-Hikari Dec 21, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Okay, so I'm gonna start from the beginning. I was home schooled for two years (6th and 7th grade) and now I'm back in school (8th grade). I have to deal with the stress and struggles from school, but at home, my mom (who is divorced) is always raging and ranting about how I'm always doing thing wrong and how I make it so hard for her and I don't try to make it easier for her and she's a real b!tch to me tbh. I try to do my part, make good grades, graduate middle school and move on to high school, but she's always making me feel bad and between tutoring, dance classes, piano classes, ect. I barely have any free days to relax. As for school, I often like to draw when I'm not doing any assignments and there's always these boys who stand over me at recess and call my pictures gay, stupid, ect. when I doubt they can do any better. And the ring leader of them all is also saying stuff that offends me even though he means it in a joking manner. For example, I have a cheap pair of head phones (that I paid for myself since my mom doesn't spoil me) and every time I take them to school he always says stuff like "Oh, she brought the sh!tty headphones to school" and when I was sitting on the ground drawing at school, he'd point out all the things in my drawings and tell me what I was doing wrong (which I go upset and ended ripping up the drawings that he critiqued). I also like these guys called SMOSH from youtube and I even bought jelly bracelets with their logo on it (because I love them so much) and he's always telling me "Smosh sucks" "You're an idiot for buying that bracelet" ect ect and I try to play off, thinking in my head "Oh, that joke hurt, but I'm gonna pretend it was funny anyway". I'm already insecure, having to look at other girls around my school who have no worries in their life what so over and I stress over the fact that because I have to to rely on others to help me keep my grades up, when the major tests come around, I'm gonna fail them and not be able to get into college because getting left behind in math and I know it sounds stupid, but I have to look at all these other kids bragging about their grades and it blows my self esteem and it doesn't help having these boys saying the sh!t that they do and me, being the nice person I am, let's them do it. And yesterday, I got really upset over something that my older sister said (she's REALLY negative) and I took the blade out of a razor and cut myself. :/ Doing such a thing has been on my mind for a while and the thoughts of cutting and suicide kept coming back so frequently that I just went ahead and did it. Right now, my school is on Christmas break and I'm a real wreck. I've already told my best friend what I did (and she cried) and we both got really upset after I told her why and that I wanted to die. I don't want anyone's pity (which is why I refuse to tell my mother, she'll go into her "blame everything on myself" mode). I constantly hint at what I'm feeling (a lot of the times in my artwork), but no one seems to understand or get the message that I'm hurting and that I really need someone. This has been going on for far to long and I've just about lost all hope of getting better. I have this cut on my left arm to prove it and now I have to live with the fact that I did this to myself and that I can't go back to the moment I pressed that blade to my skin. No matter what I do, it always seems to disappoint someone. I don't want anyone's opinion, pity, ect. I just want to know, while I still have the LAST bit of positive left in me, what I should do. I'm sick of pretending to be happy when I'm actually dying on the inside. I'll just admit it. I need help, but I don't know WHO to get it from.
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:icondylan40:
Dylan40 Jan 5, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
On the bullying part. I wasn't a person who stood out to much back in High School. I did get picked on at school more or less verbally. This part never bothered me for the most because most the stuff they said never bothered me. I have physically got picked on before. Lol. After a while that part stopped.

I'm sorry to hear about all the things you have to deal with at home and at school. I had to deal with stuff at home as well during the early years of my high school. It had gotten a bit better when I became a junior but it did drag on. Being able to deal with it all payed off though. I am currently going to college and shouldn't be in there to much longer thankfully.

I know I said quiet a bit about myself on here and also left out a lot as well. My advice stand up for yourself at school, and depending on what it is at home, and at home. Your not even at your halfway point in your life yet. As hard at is for you to deal with prepare yourself for after school. That is where you can get away from it for a long while if you choose to do so. If you plan on going to college I know of websites that help High School students get scholarships, Freshmen on up, for college.
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:iconamaya-hikari:
Amaya-Hikari Jan 4, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
UPDATE: Sooo, school is back in (they decided to start the new semester on a Thursday) and my mom just chewed me out for trading video games with some kids at school. My little sister ratted me out and now my mom is going on and on about it and making me feel sad. Telling me I'm a pushover, I have no street smarts, I'm too nice, ect ect. And I told them all of the details, but everyone (my little sister, older sister and mom) all said that I was lying. So packed up all of my gaming systems (and video games), hid them away and I decided that I'm not gonna play video games anymore. They still don't know that I cut, but I'm actually starting to consider suicide since my mom said that I cause her so much "grief". I know you guys said to get help, but I don't ever see my school counselor around and I never have time to schedule and appointment with her. The cutting has also become more frequent too and I'm starting to lame myself because I'm to stupid to actually ask someone for help.
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:iconnataliebee:
I was bullied every day in middle school, both in school and outside of school by my classmates who were neighbors or through online threats. I also turned to artwork, which is a MUCH healthier way to vent than cutting yourself. I've done both, and I prefer the drawing--much less clean-up and no risk of infection <3

As for responding to the bullies, I would get pretty violent, and actually got into fist fights during school (I only hit the boys, and the ones I hit never bothered me again). However, when I would talk instead, I would be frank to them. "Why do you think it's OK to say that? Why would you even bother wasting your breath talking to me if you're just going to be nasty? What are you hoping to gain from making me miserable? You're wasting my time." Every time, the bully was just shocked to hear me say this, and would just walk away. If they tried to respond, I would just turn my head and ignore them. Eventually they would go away.

As for your mom, she's doing the classic "I'm stressed so I'm gonna vent it out on the people close to me!" My dad's an expert at that. I have to be really authentic with him and say "You know, there's a nicer way to say that" or "If you're going to be nasty to me, don't talk to me at all." And boy does he EXPLODE when I do that. He'll take me into a separate room and try to fight, but I just cross my arms and calmly/quietly say "I wasn't looking to fight. I said one thing. Everything is fine." Then he forfeits out of frustration. Because I do this, he usually comes to his senses and apologizes later on, even if he has to wake me up at night to do it. And when he does, I thank him :)

People are really hard to deal with! It's like playing a game--you gotta know how to play them and how to react ;)
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:iconmeganprime:
MeganPrime Dec 30, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Hun you are loved. Don't let them get to you. I will tell you right now, Middle School is Hell on earth and everyone who graduates from it should get an award. You need to be strong in these hard times and not give in to cutting or suicide or other self harm. I know this is hard to believe, but it does get better. I was where you were years ago, and I know it's hard and everything sucks, but I promise you it does get better. This is just a stage in your life, it will all pass. When you go to college, you will NEVER see any of these people ever again if you don't want to see them. Life gets so much better with age, right now you just have to go through these hard times. When you're an adult you can do anything you want and people are more accepting of you, starting with high school, and they get better and more understanding when you get older. Hang in there love, you're beautiful on the inside and out, don't let anyone tell you otherwise. :huggle:
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:iconcirstyn:
Cirstyn Dec 26, 2012  Professional Digital Artist
Amaya, first of all, it was really brave of you to tell us all this. Kudos :-)

Do you have any people at school you are friends with, or who you'd like to be friends with? Sometime that makes going through bullying easier.
Also - go see the counselor at school if you can, and if anyone calls you stubborn, just tell them that the fact you're stubborn doesn't mean you're _not_ getting bullied.
Are there people at your school who also do art? Are there people there you'd like to be friends with? Are there any other gamers there who you can hang with, just a little? In addition to the excellent advice most of the others have given you, sometimes it helps to just be with other people at school, if only a little.

As for self harming - is there a hotline you can call? The reason you're probably feeling a little better after the cutting is because of the pain-killing chemicals released in your brain - they're called endorphins. I don't think it's the right way to go about venting your frustration, though :(
I did a google, I wasn't sure where you lived, and I found an old link about cutting resources you may find useful from Seventeen magazine:
[link] - they have staff who can listen to you, and help you find someone who can help you. If you start to cut, you're right, it's gone too far, and you need someone to help you.
There is also self injurynet [link] which also lists resources

Also - Vent through your art. It doesn't always have to be pretty, or pleasing to the eye - sometimes it's just about how YOU feel.

I see a lot of others have offered shoulders and ears - and I am offering mine as well :)

C
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:iconthewitheredrose:
TheWitheredRose Dec 26, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Keep your head up.
"God gives his hardest battle to his strongest soldiers" -Unknown
Religious or not, believe in this quote.
Take a deep breath and focus on solving one problem at a time.
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:iconl-echo-l:
l-Echo-l Dec 26, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
my friend, to those bullies out there being so rude, just know that 20 years from now, they will be living with their mothers...they insult you because they are inconsiderate, jealous, pissed off at the world and themselves, or their just trying to by cool. The image that people give are nothing but illusions cast in a shallow pool. you have a talent that requires practice and patience and hard work. you are right to say they cant do any better, they do not have the strength or the confidence. if that bully decides to "critique" your art further, then hell! improve what he insults...make it so damn good that he can't say one bad word about it. of course, being butt heads they are theyll always insult you but if you find friends that can support you--they will become nothing but idiots. the words of the negative should NEVER matter in your life, listen to those who support you.
Albert einstein once said Everybody is a genious. But if you judge a fish on it's ability to climb a tree it will live it's while life believing it is stupid.
That is honestly my favorite quote ever, you do what you love to do. find people who are willing to grow up (i found it easy to get along with adults--although i was shy at first i found out quickly that most will give you kind truths...and as a child/young adult that's what you should hear) look for people who will lift you spirits...they are the ones that matter
but do not forget to understand both sides of the spectrum...do not be those bullies. consider and try to understand both sides of future conflicts. there can be a fine line between good and bad..be sure to understand the cause before you judge the effect.
i do not need to know you to understand you have brilliance--surround yourself with those that can help bring it out.
<3 and if you ever need to talk, add me as a friend or find some way to talk--i will always be there to listen:)
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:iconamaya-hikari:
Amaya-Hikari Dec 26, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Thank you for your kind words and advice.
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:iconl-echo-l:
l-Echo-l Dec 26, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
its no problem at all, i hope it helps:)
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:iconmosstarkitteh:
MosstarKitteh Dec 26, 2012  Student Traditional Artist
o.o There are a lot of parts to your story that are a lot like mine. I was home-schooled and I have issues with my mother, and I was bullied my first years in school (the first two years being by boys) but no one really believed me.

My best advice to you is to persevere through it and really connect with your best friend. It's good that you told her! Now she knows what you're going through, and she can help you through your hard times. Remember: in a few short years, you can claim your life for your own! It will get better eventually.

Ignore what they say about your artwork. Just keep practicing and doing what you're doing; they're most likely jealous. ^^

Also, making friends and doing activities on the Internet helps me through my hard times. You can find so many people with similar interests or in similar situations and make connections with them!

This has also probably already been said, but you should try and make an appointment with a school counselor. Just getting it off your chest to someone with the power to help you may help you become less stressed. :)

This last part's probably kind of cheesy and doesn't necessarily work of everyone, but during one of my dark times I turned to a more religious/faith outlet and began praying to God. That helps me to vent, and also to realize that someone upstairs is watching out for me.

Remember: you're never truly alone! If you want to talk to me some more, feel free to message me. :D

~Mosstar
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