Her boyfriend is acting weird
I don’t understand people all that well and sometimes I understand people too much to the point where I get information spot on or I over calculate. Im a aspie, so either way it messes with me. My friend lives with her boyfriend and another friend of ours, who dislikes her boyfriend. I had only met him a couple of times prior to me hanging out around their place recently these past few months. The two have been dating a year and she is now pregnant by him. She recently found out a few weeks ago, and is talking about getting married to him. So when I found out she was pregnant I started hanging around more to make sure she is taking care of herself. I’ll go get her food to make sure she eats or drive her home when we both get off work. She lives about 10 minutes in the next city of our State.
So, while hanging around more, I got to met her boyfriends friend. I’m gonna give everyone a fake name here, so my friends name is gonna be Ashely, her boyfriend will be Jake, and his friend will be Alex. So, I hang out more and I end up talking to Alex a lot, to the point where we are actually flirting with each other in private whenever Ashely and Jake are not looking or around. You know how some women openly expose themselves, wearing love cut shirts and like pushing their chests around to be noticed? She does that a lot. Around alex as well. She use to talk about how nice he was and how he has good manners different from Jake. Jake is a ass when he wants to be, which is about a hundred percent of the time. He tells her that he is ‘single’ so he can go flirt with others girls and it makes her upset. Says he has a second girlfriend and she says he’s joking. He calls her fat and calls her the name of a friend she hates. And has called her several other girls names.
Things get a little serious with me and Alex, I ended up sleeping with him. Probably too soon than I should have, and we have been seeing each other secretly for a while now because I didn’t want to tell Ashely. She freaks out over my choices of dating and tries to act like my mother, she's a very controlling person. I've known her for 12 years and she knows everything about me from my bad past to my happiest moments. She knows that im a sex addict, it's not something i can control. And it's not my fault she decided to tell that to her boyfriend. Im kind of mad at her for telling him my secrets anyway, because i've been working hard to try and control myself.
The point of the story is that Jake asked me to give him a bj, and I said no and freaked out on him. Told him never to ask me something like that again. He said he would pay me to do it and I told him no again and ended up leaving with Alex. It kind of made me mad. So, I ended up telling her the next day, and instead of getting mad at me. She starts telling ‘bad things’ about Alex, like including girls he was went in the past and I don’t really care about that. Jake keeps telling her more things now that I told her what he tried to get me to do. And she’s now telling me I should stay away from Alex. I started sneaking around again so I see him a lot and we don’t go to her house together. When we are both there, she doesn't like me being in the same room as him. So we'd go in her room and the guys in another. Jake scares me sometimes. The reason I told her because he said that ‘You should just do it, cause im gonna tell her you gave me a bj even if you don’t’’ And she’s getting mad at me and I didn’t do anything. Last night i went by for my last visit because my work schedule is changing and i won't be going there for a week or so. And when she wasn't looking, Jake would make a gesture of me giving him a bj and i'd just look away. I don’t know how to handle this situation and im constantly worried that something bad is gonna happen. Like im going to say something out of place and make her mad again…
When we first met Jake, together, she tried to get me to date him but i said no because i knew she liked him. And he looks at me weird, like if he's going to kiss or hug her he'll do it and stare at me. I either look away or get up and move. He keeps making comments like 'when can i get in on this' In those slight chances that i am alone with Alex at her house. I know what he's saying, and she's still on a trip saying he's 'joking' but i don't think he is. One night he came up and said "when is it gonna be my turn?" Alex is a witness to all of these comments Jake has mad, but she has made it clear that she thinks Alex is a liar so she isn't going to listen. I don't like drama. I try to pull myself away from it. But the fact that she's pregnant, hormonal and careless of taking care of herself, i try to be there for her. If you were in this situation, what would you do? Cause im seriously drawing blanks on this.
So, while hanging around more, I got to met her boyfriends friend. I’m gonna give everyone a fake name here, so my friends name is gonna be Ashely, her boyfriend will be Jake, and his friend will be Alex. So, I hang out more and I end up talking to Alex a lot, to the point where we are actually flirting with each other in private whenever Ashely and Jake are not looking or around. You know how some women openly expose themselves, wearing love cut shirts and like pushing their chests around to be noticed? She does that a lot. Around alex as well. She use to talk about how nice he was and how he has good manners different from Jake. Jake is a ass when he wants to be, which is about a hundred percent of the time. He tells her that he is ‘single’ so he can go flirt with others girls and it makes her upset. Says he has a second girlfriend and she says he’s joking. He calls her fat and calls her the name of a friend she hates. And has called her several other girls names.
Things get a little serious with me and Alex, I ended up sleeping with him. Probably too soon than I should have, and we have been seeing each other secretly for a while now because I didn’t want to tell Ashely. She freaks out over my choices of dating and tries to act like my mother, she's a very controlling person. I've known her for 12 years and she knows everything about me from my bad past to my happiest moments. She knows that im a sex addict, it's not something i can control. And it's not my fault she decided to tell that to her boyfriend. Im kind of mad at her for telling him my secrets anyway, because i've been working hard to try and control myself.
The point of the story is that Jake asked me to give him a bj, and I said no and freaked out on him. Told him never to ask me something like that again. He said he would pay me to do it and I told him no again and ended up leaving with Alex. It kind of made me mad. So, I ended up telling her the next day, and instead of getting mad at me. She starts telling ‘bad things’ about Alex, like including girls he was went in the past and I don’t really care about that. Jake keeps telling her more things now that I told her what he tried to get me to do. And she’s now telling me I should stay away from Alex. I started sneaking around again so I see him a lot and we don’t go to her house together. When we are both there, she doesn't like me being in the same room as him. So we'd go in her room and the guys in another. Jake scares me sometimes. The reason I told her because he said that ‘You should just do it, cause im gonna tell her you gave me a bj even if you don’t’’ And she’s getting mad at me and I didn’t do anything. Last night i went by for my last visit because my work schedule is changing and i won't be going there for a week or so. And when she wasn't looking, Jake would make a gesture of me giving him a bj and i'd just look away. I don’t know how to handle this situation and im constantly worried that something bad is gonna happen. Like im going to say something out of place and make her mad again…
When we first met Jake, together, she tried to get me to date him but i said no because i knew she liked him. And he looks at me weird, like if he's going to kiss or hug her he'll do it and stare at me. I either look away or get up and move. He keeps making comments like 'when can i get in on this' In those slight chances that i am alone with Alex at her house. I know what he's saying, and she's still on a trip saying he's 'joking' but i don't think he is. One night he came up and said "when is it gonna be my turn?" Alex is a witness to all of these comments Jake has mad, but she has made it clear that she thinks Alex is a liar so she isn't going to listen. I don't like drama. I try to pull myself away from it. But the fact that she's pregnant, hormonal and careless of taking care of herself, i try to be there for her. If you were in this situation, what would you do? Cause im seriously drawing blanks on this.
Comments51
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In
call the police on him. its harassment.
Real aspie or internet-aspie?
Ok, anyway, here's the situation. The Jake guy is an asshole. He's probably at least midly sociopathic, probably abusive, possibly violent, and possibly a rapist. Your friend Ashley is probably someone that has self-esteem issues, Jake is taking advantage of that, constantly abusing her (verbally, if not physically) in order to control her, because some people see relationships as things to "perform" for "status", and the people they date with as "property" (I know, it's sick as fuck). Jake is constantly making Ashley feel bad about herself, because he wants to dominate her, control her, make her feel worthless and that she could never get anyone else, so that she'll be afraid to dump him.
Best thing to do would be for you and Ashley both give that Jake guy the boot, and get him a restraining order, because you'll probably need it anyway. Then get that Ashley girl to counseling/therapy for her self-esteem issues. She doesn't have to be with an asshole, abusive guy just to have someone play daddy to her kid. For that matter, if the pregnancy is still early, there's always abortion, it's her choice but personally I feel it's better to abort than bring a kid to a shitty situation.
This is where the problems begin. Possibly Ashley is afraid of letting go of Jake because she thinks she will be left out to dry with no one to help her with the kid. So she puts up with the abuse, and she might also think that the kid will "fix things" between them, that it will be different after the kid is born. It won't, it will most likely be worse.
The thing is, if you're unable to convince Ashley of this, which is possible, then it'd probably be wise to put some distance between Ashley as well. And I know you think of her as a friend but for your own safety, it's better that way. Things are only going to get worse, because of that Jake guy. Abusive people like him are really skilled at manipulating people for their own gain, so he is probably able to turn Ashley against you. I know you care about her but sometimes you can't help people, you can't force them to make the right choices.
You should definitely also make sure you're never left alone with Jake, unless you're confident that you can beat him in physical combat. Even then it might not be advisable, because accidents can happen. That guy seems really unstable.
As for Alex, I don't know about him. If he treats you with respect and you like him and you think you are compatible, you should by all means pursue a relationship with him, if you feel like it. If you can't get Ashley to dump Jake, then you should probably convince Alex to move out of there, because from what you're saying it sounds like the situation is going to get even more infected the more it goes on.
There, that's the best I can do from limited information.
Ok, anyway, here's the situation. The Jake guy is an asshole. He's probably at least midly sociopathic, probably abusive, possibly violent, and possibly a rapist. Your friend Ashley is probably someone that has self-esteem issues, Jake is taking advantage of that, constantly abusing her (verbally, if not physically) in order to control her, because some people see relationships as things to "perform" for "status", and the people they date with as "property" (I know, it's sick as fuck). Jake is constantly making Ashley feel bad about herself, because he wants to dominate her, control her, make her feel worthless and that she could never get anyone else, so that she'll be afraid to dump him.
Best thing to do would be for you and Ashley both give that Jake guy the boot, and get him a restraining order, because you'll probably need it anyway. Then get that Ashley girl to counseling/therapy for her self-esteem issues. She doesn't have to be with an asshole, abusive guy just to have someone play daddy to her kid. For that matter, if the pregnancy is still early, there's always abortion, it's her choice but personally I feel it's better to abort than bring a kid to a shitty situation.
This is where the problems begin. Possibly Ashley is afraid of letting go of Jake because she thinks she will be left out to dry with no one to help her with the kid. So she puts up with the abuse, and she might also think that the kid will "fix things" between them, that it will be different after the kid is born. It won't, it will most likely be worse.
The thing is, if you're unable to convince Ashley of this, which is possible, then it'd probably be wise to put some distance between Ashley as well. And I know you think of her as a friend but for your own safety, it's better that way. Things are only going to get worse, because of that Jake guy. Abusive people like him are really skilled at manipulating people for their own gain, so he is probably able to turn Ashley against you. I know you care about her but sometimes you can't help people, you can't force them to make the right choices.
You should definitely also make sure you're never left alone with Jake, unless you're confident that you can beat him in physical combat. Even then it might not be advisable, because accidents can happen. That guy seems really unstable.
As for Alex, I don't know about him. If he treats you with respect and you like him and you think you are compatible, you should by all means pursue a relationship with him, if you feel like it. If you can't get Ashley to dump Jake, then you should probably convince Alex to move out of there, because from what you're saying it sounds like the situation is going to get even more infected the more it goes on.
There, that's the best I can do from limited information.
And I think your friend knows how bad her relationship is and how much of a terrible boyfriend "Jake" is.
So she's telling you all of these things about "Alex" and trying to put you off "Alex", because she's jealous of you and his relationship.
(sounds to me like she might have her eye on him as a back up from the behavior you've described but that's not how it works)
She is not your friend, and Jake is displaying some creepy psychopathic tendencies.
Get Alex and never visit them again.
After having read those comments, I think they're right. When you think about it, she obviously knows what sort he is, she ignored you being harassed by him, yet if you hang out with Alex she feels it justified to impose on you and refuse you his presence when able to. She only felt it necessary to mention bad things from his past when you got together, and she actually complimented him before. If she really thought ill of him, she wouldn't be friends with him in the first place, or approve of him at all.
I'm compelled to ask though, if Alex is friends with Jake.... he probably tolerates Jake's mindset and is familiar with what sort of things he does. I believe Alex may prove to not be that much better than Jake, since someone decent who knew Jake for who he was wouldn't associate with him...
Alex has proved to be good so far. Everyone has their flaws, but i kind of have a understanding of him after a recent conversation. He tries to do that 'macho' thing where he acts tough in front of his friends, but he's learned it doesn't work with me and he kind of shuts up and doesn't act macho anymore lol. It's kind of funny though. He's pretty much the only guy that will get up and move from his seat if a girl wants to sit down. Everyone else just looks at you like your stupid for standing and points to the floor to sit.
Oh I see, so he's the sort that tags along with the "alpha".
He has no real reason to think it's common courtesy to just give his seat to girls, so he seems like a push-over.
I'm glad you two get along. (:
He has no real reason to think it's common courtesy to just give his seat to girls, so he seems like a push-over.
I'm glad you two get along. (:
He kind of is a push over. I tell him to do things and he just does them without questioning. He's just one of those guys that likes 'taking orders'. I've learned that. lol
W/e suits you guys. (:
"Jake" is an asshole, and he is treating your friend terribly. And treating you terribly. All of those comments and suggestions and the attempted blackmail against you count as sexual harassment.
"Alex" seems like a decent enough guy.
And I think your friend knows how bad her relationship is and how much of a terrible boyfriend "Jake" is.
So she's telling you all of these things about "Alex" and trying to put you off "Alex", because she's jealous of you and his relationship.
"Alex" seems like a decent enough guy.
And I think your friend knows how bad her relationship is and how much of a terrible boyfriend "Jake" is.
So she's telling you all of these things about "Alex" and trying to put you off "Alex", because she's jealous of you and his relationship.
Yes 'Jake' is. And i think she's seeing that herself now because she called me crying because he was being an ass. I went to see her on my lunch break from work just to cheer her up. I'm trying to hold off on the 'i told you so' because sometimes i say things because i know i was right and don't realize how much it hurts other people until after i've said it.
She kind of lightened up on 'Alex' she's talking about how nice he is again. I guess she's coming around to the fact that we are together. I haven't gone back to her house yet, so i don't have to be around 'Jake'.
She kind of lightened up on 'Alex' she's talking about how nice he is again. I guess she's coming around to the fact that we are together. I haven't gone back to her house yet, so i don't have to be around 'Jake'.
You're better off not going back to her house for a while. It's not good for you to be around a person like that, and him hitting on you and making comments will put a strain on you and your friend's relationship too.
It's good that your friend is starting to accept your relationship though.
It's good that your friend is starting to accept your relationship though.
She is not your friend, and Jake is displaying some creepy psychopathic tendencies.
Get Alex and never visit them again.
Get Alex and never visit them again.
I'm about ready to get a tazer. I don't go to her house anymore, but i do see her at her job which is down the street from mine. The only way i'll ever seek Jake again is if it's randomly in town. Alex i see everyday.
But i can't abandon her, she's finally seeing what his actions her. She wants to break it off. At least that's what her cry session last night called for. I told her it wasn't my place to tell her to leave him, but she should because he's an ass.
But i can't abandon her, she's finally seeing what his actions her. She wants to break it off. At least that's what her cry session last night called for. I told her it wasn't my place to tell her to leave him, but she should because he's an ass.
Well, you can tell ashley out in the open that if this douchebag (yes, Jake has to be there to hear being called that way) keeps harassing you, you will stop seeing her in person.
Also, you should tone down your sexoholism. It is an animalistic and subhuman determination that disturbs your consciousness and sane thinking. Knowing your flaws is worthless unless you utilize that knowledge to change for the better. Notice when such tides start clashing in you, and put a leash on them. This way you can keep the ability, but also be redeemed of being slave to it.
Also, you should tone down your sexoholism. It is an animalistic and subhuman determination that disturbs your consciousness and sane thinking. Knowing your flaws is worthless unless you utilize that knowledge to change for the better. Notice when such tides start clashing in you, and put a leash on them. This way you can keep the ability, but also be redeemed of being slave to it.
Oh i did, i told her i was going to kick him between the legs if i saw him. Not going to her house anymore prevents me from seeing him. I told her that last night when i stopped by to see her at her job.
I try. I mean, it's hard to control but i've gotten way better at it than i use to. Alex knows about my situation, he doesn't pressure me even though i've already done it with him a couple of times. I know it's a problem i need to get over, so im glad he is at least understanding.
I try. I mean, it's hard to control but i've gotten way better at it than i use to. Alex knows about my situation, he doesn't pressure me even though i've already done it with him a couple of times. I know it's a problem i need to get over, so im glad he is at least understanding.
I hope everything will work out fine for you. 
Do your best!
Do your best!
Thank you.
I would tell her that her boyfriend's an asshole and that she's nuts for staying with him, pregnant or not. I'd also tell her that his horrible behavior has gone so far that you're not comfortable being around him anymore. If she can voice her opinion about Alex the way she has then she should be able to take some criticism about her boyfriend as well. What she does with it is up to her.
If she handles it like a reasonable person, maybe instead of going there, you could offer to hang out at your place. If you've been making the trip anyway then maybe you could even offer to pick her up. As for Alex, it's none of her business who you go out with (sounds to me like she might have her eye on him as a back up from the behavior you've described but that's not how it works). I would personally change the location of those dates as well. Anywhere except their place.
If she handles it like a reasonable person, maybe instead of going there, you could offer to hang out at your place. If you've been making the trip anyway then maybe you could even offer to pick her up. As for Alex, it's none of her business who you go out with (sounds to me like she might have her eye on him as a back up from the behavior you've described but that's not how it works). I would personally change the location of those dates as well. Anywhere except their place.
I told her i was uncomfortable around him a few days ago. Cause right after he asked me to give him a bj i went and showed her the texts. She claims she's done and is giving up. I told her if she does end up leaving him she has her friends to help her with the baby. She has yet to tell her father and sister which i told her she needs to.
I hang out with alex around town now. We go out and stuff. I think she's just upset because she's never gone anywhere with Jake. He doesn't take her out to places, they only see each other at home.
I hang out with alex around town now. We go out and stuff. I think she's just upset because she's never gone anywhere with Jake. He doesn't take her out to places, they only see each other at home.
-Stay away from Jake, he sounds like a rapist. You have very bad feelings about him and you're more than likely right. That whole, "you might as well do it because...." is a feeble attempt to control you or at least a petty mindgame. You clearly have no interest in him and he won't back off? Yeah, once he's drunk enough, he's liable to try and grab you up.
-Try and talk some sense into your friend. She's stupid and hormonal right now, and she's clearly one of those chicks who can't fathom life without the very guy that treats her like crap. She's either having this baby to keep him or thinking he'll come around. Low self esteem much? Tell her if she really plans on having this kid, think, REALLY think, about the type of environment she's trying to raise a child in. THE MAN DOESN'T WANT HER. Tell her to face it and accept it. Tell her to have some self respect. Staying together for the sake of the baby can only lead to disaster. The parents will stress each other out, argue, probably turn to some unhealthy lifestyle to relieve the stress, etc. It's not gonna happen. It'll ruin the kid. (Or the kid could turn into one of those social worker success stories, but yeah, pointless nonetheless.)
-You like Alex, right? Does he like you? Be with him all you want. A real friend won't make you hide a relationship. She really needs to grow up. She needs to stop making excuses for her own issues and FIX THEM. BEFORE she brings an innocent life into the world.
-Try and talk some sense into your friend. She's stupid and hormonal right now, and she's clearly one of those chicks who can't fathom life without the very guy that treats her like crap. She's either having this baby to keep him or thinking he'll come around. Low self esteem much? Tell her if she really plans on having this kid, think, REALLY think, about the type of environment she's trying to raise a child in. THE MAN DOESN'T WANT HER. Tell her to face it and accept it. Tell her to have some self respect. Staying together for the sake of the baby can only lead to disaster. The parents will stress each other out, argue, probably turn to some unhealthy lifestyle to relieve the stress, etc. It's not gonna happen. It'll ruin the kid. (Or the kid could turn into one of those social worker success stories, but yeah, pointless nonetheless.)
-You like Alex, right? Does he like you? Be with him all you want. A real friend won't make you hide a relationship. She really needs to grow up. She needs to stop making excuses for her own issues and FIX THEM. BEFORE she brings an innocent life into the world.
A few months ago Ashely found out a friend of ours tried to sleep with him. We were all blaming it on her. But after this stunt i know it was him. He probably tried to talk her into it, and when Ashely came home he blamed it on the friend. He's scum.
I talked to her again. She's freaking about because she's afraid of having this baby. She is talking about leaving him. They are suppose to be getting 'married' on the 15th and she said their not getting married now. She said she 'gives up'. Of course this was last night, there's no telling what lies he's told her this morning and she will probably be all happy go lucky and wanting to marry him again.
Yes, we like each other. We hang out away from her house now. She's been nice about him again. She would complain about how he was there too much at their house even though he was buying them food and helping keep the place clean because her roommate, our friend, doesn't do much cleaning and such.
I talked to her again. She's freaking about because she's afraid of having this baby. She is talking about leaving him. They are suppose to be getting 'married' on the 15th and she said their not getting married now. She said she 'gives up'. Of course this was last night, there's no telling what lies he's told her this morning and she will probably be all happy go lucky and wanting to marry him again.
Yes, we like each other. We hang out away from her house now. She's been nice about him again. She would complain about how he was there too much at their house even though he was buying them food and helping keep the place clean because her roommate, our friend, doesn't do much cleaning and such.
All we can do now is hope she comes to her senses. 
I'm glad you're a good friend and I hope it goes well with you and Alex!
I'm glad you're a good friend and I hope it goes well with you and Alex!Thanks! And i hope she does.
It sounds like your friend's boyfriend is a complete twat. In all honesty having the baby alone would be better than staying with someone like that. From your account, he sounds abusive, manipulative, unfaithful and generally nasty. I can't see their relationship ending very well.
Still, that's not up to you right now, the bit that's the problem is that she won't accept it. She knows something's up with him, but I would guess that the amount of time she's invested in him and the fact she has a baby on the way means that she's scared to admit it, hence why she deflects the conversation to you whenever it's brought up.
In short: he's a douchebag, but if you haven't convinced her of that already it's unlikely you'll be able to now. My advice would be not to talk about him, but to refuse to spend time near him (honestly, he sounds like a creep; it'll only be good for you not to be around him) unless it's some kind of emergency. Help her out when she's ready to listen to reason, but for now try to stay out of the situation as much as possible.
Still, that's not up to you right now, the bit that's the problem is that she won't accept it. She knows something's up with him, but I would guess that the amount of time she's invested in him and the fact she has a baby on the way means that she's scared to admit it, hence why she deflects the conversation to you whenever it's brought up.
In short: he's a douchebag, but if you haven't convinced her of that already it's unlikely you'll be able to now. My advice would be not to talk about him, but to refuse to spend time near him (honestly, he sounds like a creep; it'll only be good for you not to be around him) unless it's some kind of emergency. Help her out when she's ready to listen to reason, but for now try to stay out of the situation as much as possible.
I avoid bringing up his name. But she's always talking about him. So i just nod and listen. I have nothing nice to say about the guy at all. He's a douche. And when he gets mad he leaves and goes to stay at his moms. She complains about how he 'doesn't touch her' anymore. But i can also see that she's slightly clingly and gets mad at him if he doesn't reply to her texts or calls within a 30 minutes. She's starting to figure out that his 'jokes' might be serious. She said she gives up, but i want to see how long that lasts. I'm glad i refused to be a roommate.
The roommate they have now they have issues with, and Jake keeps saying they want to kick that roommate out and have me move in. And after this recent situation, i'd never move there.
The roommate they have now they have issues with, and Jake keeps saying they want to kick that roommate out and have me move in. And after this recent situation, i'd never move there.