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December 10, 2012
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Her boyfriend is acting weird

:iconselestes-arrow:
Selestes-Arrow Featured By Owner Dec 10, 2012  Student Digital Artist
I don’t understand people all that well and sometimes I understand people too much to the point where I get information spot on or I over calculate. Im a aspie, so either way it messes with me. My friend lives with her boyfriend and another friend of ours, who dislikes her boyfriend. I had only met him a couple of times prior to me hanging out around their place recently these past few months. The two have been dating a year and she is now pregnant by him. She recently found out a few weeks ago, and is talking about getting married to him. So when I found out she was pregnant I started hanging around more to make sure she is taking care of herself. I’ll go get her food to make sure she eats or drive her home when we both get off work. She lives about 10 minutes in the next city of our State.

So, while hanging around more, I got to met her boyfriends friend. I’m gonna give everyone a fake name here, so my friends name is gonna be Ashely, her boyfriend will be Jake, and his friend will be Alex. So, I hang out more and I end up talking to Alex a lot, to the point where we are actually flirting with each other in private whenever Ashely and Jake are not looking or around. You know how some women openly expose themselves, wearing love cut shirts and like pushing their chests around to be noticed? She does that a lot. Around alex as well. She use to talk about how nice he was and how he has good manners different from Jake. Jake is a ass when he wants to be, which is about a hundred percent of the time. He tells her that he is ‘single’ so he can go flirt with others girls and it makes her upset. Says he has a second girlfriend and she says he’s joking. He calls her fat and calls her the name of a friend she hates. And has called her several other girls names.

Things get a little serious with me and Alex, I ended up sleeping with him. Probably too soon than I should have, and we have been seeing each other secretly for a while now because I didn’t want to tell Ashely. She freaks out over my choices of dating and tries to act like my mother, she's a very controlling person. I've known her for 12 years and she knows everything about me from my bad past to my happiest moments. She knows that im a sex addict, it's not something i can control. And it's not my fault she decided to tell that to her boyfriend. Im kind of mad at her for telling him my secrets anyway, because i've been working hard to try and control myself.

The point of the story is that Jake asked me to give him a bj, and I said no and freaked out on him. Told him never to ask me something like that again. He said he would pay me to do it and I told him no again and ended up leaving with Alex. It kind of made me mad. So, I ended up telling her the next day, and instead of getting mad at me. She starts telling ‘bad things’ about Alex, like including girls he was went in the past and I don’t really care about that. Jake keeps telling her more things now that I told her what he tried to get me to do. And she’s now telling me I should stay away from Alex. I started sneaking around again so I see him a lot and we don’t go to her house together. When we are both there, she doesn't like me being in the same room as him. So we'd go in her room and the guys in another. Jake scares me sometimes. The reason I told her because he said that ‘You should just do it, cause im gonna tell her you gave me a bj even if you don’t’’ And she’s getting mad at me and I didn’t do anything. Last night i went by for my last visit because my work schedule is changing and i won't be going there for a week or so. And when she wasn't looking, Jake would make a gesture of me giving him a bj and i'd just look away. I don’t know how to handle this situation and im constantly worried that something bad is gonna happen. Like im going to say something out of place and make her mad again…

When we first met Jake, together, she tried to get me to date him but i said no because i knew she liked him. And he looks at me weird, like if he's going to kiss or hug her he'll do it and stare at me. I either look away or get up and move. He keeps making comments like 'when can i get in on this' In those slight chances that i am alone with Alex at her house. I know what he's saying, and she's still on a trip saying he's 'joking' but i don't think he is. One night he came up and said "when is it gonna be my turn?" Alex is a witness to all of these comments Jake has mad, but she has made it clear that she thinks Alex is a liar so she isn't going to listen. I don't like drama. I try to pull myself away from it. But the fact that she's pregnant, hormonal and careless of taking care of herself, i try to be there for her. If you were in this situation, what would you do? Cause im seriously drawing blanks on this.
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:iconshadow-delta47:
shadow-delta47 Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2012   Writer
call the police on him. its harassment.
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:icondelusionalhamster:
delusionalHamster Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Real aspie or internet-aspie?

Ok, anyway, here's the situation. The Jake guy is an asshole. He's probably at least midly sociopathic, probably abusive, possibly violent, and possibly a rapist. Your friend Ashley is probably someone that has self-esteem issues, Jake is taking advantage of that, constantly abusing her (verbally, if not physically) in order to control her, because some people see relationships as things to "perform" for "status", and the people they date with as "property" (I know, it's sick as fuck). Jake is constantly making Ashley feel bad about herself, because he wants to dominate her, control her, make her feel worthless and that she could never get anyone else, so that she'll be afraid to dump him.

Best thing to do would be for you and Ashley both give that Jake guy the boot, and get him a restraining order, because you'll probably need it anyway. Then get that Ashley girl to counseling/therapy for her self-esteem issues. She doesn't have to be with an asshole, abusive guy just to have someone play daddy to her kid. For that matter, if the pregnancy is still early, there's always abortion, it's her choice but personally I feel it's better to abort than bring a kid to a shitty situation.

This is where the problems begin. Possibly Ashley is afraid of letting go of Jake because she thinks she will be left out to dry with no one to help her with the kid. So she puts up with the abuse, and she might also think that the kid will "fix things" between them, that it will be different after the kid is born. It won't, it will most likely be worse.

The thing is, if you're unable to convince Ashley of this, which is possible, then it'd probably be wise to put some distance between Ashley as well. And I know you think of her as a friend but for your own safety, it's better that way. Things are only going to get worse, because of that Jake guy. Abusive people like him are really skilled at manipulating people for their own gain, so he is probably able to turn Ashley against you. I know you care about her but sometimes you can't help people, you can't force them to make the right choices.

You should definitely also make sure you're never left alone with Jake, unless you're confident that you can beat him in physical combat. Even then it might not be advisable, because accidents can happen. That guy seems really unstable.

As for Alex, I don't know about him. If he treats you with respect and you like him and you think you are compatible, you should by all means pursue a relationship with him, if you feel like it. If you can't get Ashley to dump Jake, then you should probably convince Alex to move out of there, because from what you're saying it sounds like the situation is going to get even more infected the more it goes on.

There, that's the best I can do from limited information.
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:iconcherylblanche:
CherylBlanche Featured By Owner Dec 11, 2012
And I think your friend knows how bad her relationship is and how much of a terrible boyfriend "Jake" is.
So she's telling you all of these things about "Alex" and trying to put you off "Alex", because she's jealous of you and his relationship.

(sounds to me like she might have her eye on him as a back up from the behavior you've described but that's not how it works)

She is not your friend, and Jake is displaying some creepy psychopathic tendencies.
Get Alex and never visit them again.


After having read those comments, I think they're right. When you think about it, she obviously knows what sort he is, she ignored you being harassed by him, yet if you hang out with Alex she feels it justified to impose on you and refuse you his presence when able to. She only felt it necessary to mention bad things from his past when you got together, and she actually complimented him before. If she really thought ill of him, she wouldn't be friends with him in the first place, or approve of him at all.
I'm compelled to ask though, if Alex is friends with Jake.... he probably tolerates Jake's mindset and is familiar with what sort of things he does. I believe Alex may prove to not be that much better than Jake, since someone decent who knew Jake for who he was wouldn't associate with him...





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:iconselestes-arrow:
Selestes-Arrow Featured By Owner Dec 11, 2012  Student Digital Artist
Alex has proved to be good so far. Everyone has their flaws, but i kind of have a understanding of him after a recent conversation. He tries to do that 'macho' thing where he acts tough in front of his friends, but he's learned it doesn't work with me and he kind of shuts up and doesn't act macho anymore lol. It's kind of funny though. He's pretty much the only guy that will get up and move from his seat if a girl wants to sit down. Everyone else just looks at you like your stupid for standing and points to the floor to sit.
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:iconcherylblanche:
CherylBlanche Featured By Owner Dec 11, 2012
Oh I see, so he's the sort that tags along with the "alpha".
He has no real reason to think it's common courtesy to just give his seat to girls, so he seems like a push-over.
I'm glad you two get along. (:
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:iconselestes-arrow:
Selestes-Arrow Featured By Owner Dec 12, 2012  Student Digital Artist
He kind of is a push over. I tell him to do things and he just does them without questioning. He's just one of those guys that likes 'taking orders'. I've learned that. lol
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:iconcherylblanche:
CherylBlanche Featured By Owner Dec 12, 2012
W/e suits you guys. (:
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:iconpink-anthony:
pink-anthony Featured By Owner Dec 11, 2012
"Jake" is an asshole, and he is treating your friend terribly. And treating you terribly. All of those comments and suggestions and the attempted blackmail against you count as sexual harassment.

"Alex" seems like a decent enough guy.

And I think your friend knows how bad her relationship is and how much of a terrible boyfriend "Jake" is.
So she's telling you all of these things about "Alex" and trying to put you off "Alex", because she's jealous of you and his relationship.
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:iconselestes-arrow:
Selestes-Arrow Featured By Owner Dec 11, 2012  Student Digital Artist
Yes 'Jake' is. And i think she's seeing that herself now because she called me crying because he was being an ass. I went to see her on my lunch break from work just to cheer her up. I'm trying to hold off on the 'i told you so' because sometimes i say things because i know i was right and don't realize how much it hurts other people until after i've said it.

She kind of lightened up on 'Alex' she's talking about how nice he is again. I guess she's coming around to the fact that we are together. I haven't gone back to her house yet, so i don't have to be around 'Jake'.
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:iconpink-anthony:
pink-anthony Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2012
You're better off not going back to her house for a while. It's not good for you to be around a person like that, and him hitting on you and making comments will put a strain on you and your friend's relationship too.

It's good that your friend is starting to accept your relationship though.
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