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December 9, 2012
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:iconstaple-salad:
staple-salad Featured By Owner Dec 9, 2012
I graduated college about a year and a half ago. Since then, I feel my life has just been completely overrun by depression and anxiety.

First, it was the stress of finding a job, then that was added to when my boyfriend found a job and moved to a new city. I've been living here for over a year now and I still haven't found much to like. I have no friends, and my usual strategies for making friends (join clubs, etc) has been thwarted because few (if any) people here are like-minded enough.

- The Rocky Horror cast only preforms on Halloween (the two other cities I've lived in have performances at least once a month, one is famous for a weekly cast).
- Right after I moved here I found a really awesome vintage/pin-up store. It went out of business within a month.
- I found the "artsy" cafe. That's closing too now, in a couple weeks.

There is no "alternative" scene. It's basically agriculturalists, politics, Mexicans (meaning people from Mexico who still maintain their cultural heritage, not necessarily illegals, though I know a few [one of whom should be a citizen soon, hooray!]).

It's also considerably more conservative here than I'm used to. Compared to other places, I'm sure it's liberal, but the other cities I've lived in and loved are kind of known for being hippie/hipster cities of liberality. This place has a lot of farmers.

But basically, all I have for friends are my in-laws, one friend who just had a baby, and a couple women old enough to be my parent at my gym. The worst part is I have a TON of friends, but they live in either my home city that I desperately want to get back to, or where I went to college.

Additionally, I feel like I'm just stuck here to support my boyfriend* since the job we moved here for, he lost just a couple months later, and now that I have a job, I'm our only income.

Money is stressful, I rely on my parents to pay my student loans and insurance because we couldn't afford food or gas if I had to pay those.

And on top of ALL OF THIS it seems every other day I see a friend has had a baby on Facebook, and that only has been making my desperation to have kids that I've felt since I've been 16 even worse.

I literally feel like I'm trapped in a cage in this city. I can't stand it. It's driving me crazy. Since we've moved here I've had weeks where I'm practically comatose from depression, I frequently get suicidal thoughts, I've cut myself, punched myself, and otherwise harmed myself. I'm on depression meds now but that's not how I want to live my life.

And when this city isn't suffocating me, I'm not dying from loneliness, and my uterus doesn't feel like a barren wasteland, I feel the stink of a lack of accomplishment. I have no direction here. I know there aren't jobs in the fields I want here. I think about $20/hr wage is the MOST I can hope for in all of this city unless I get into politics (which I don't really want). That includes if I could start my own business. It' s just dead here. And very much NOT ME.

*We've been together for 5 1/2 years, lived together for 2 1/2 years, and the only thing really separating us from being married is no money for an engagement/wedding.
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:icondjdanilly:
djdanilly Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2012  Professional General Artist
hello, I am a counselor, and spiritual person. You just have to look at the whole picture, and weigh out all your options. Most choices in life are tough, but you have to walk through the pain before it gets better. You can email me your full story. or just to vent ..or at djlanore@gmail.com So I can get a better look at how to better help you.
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:iconpuppy-dangerous:
puppy-dangerous Featured By Owner Dec 9, 2012  Professional Artisan Crafter
Alright, so choose:

Your current situation or your boyfriend.

If you are unhappy, and he refuses to move, then you don't need to be with him. If you are important, he'll stop this crap and do what needs to be done.

Tell him YOU ARE MOVING to somewhere you can get a job. If he wants to come with you, great. If not, well, sorry you aren't important enough to him for that.

Sounds like he isn't making any money, either. What gives him a right to say you have to stay and he can't move? Nothing at all.

Things won't get better when you are married. They will get worse. You will be legally trapped as well.

This needs to be resolved now. You have put up with it for a year. It has gone on long enough.

Either he chooses to help you get where you need to be, or he chooses to be alone. And you choose to do what is best for YOU.
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:iconstaple-salad:
staple-salad Featured By Owner Dec 9, 2012
I have a job right now and that's part of it since the economy has hit us pretty hard (he's been looking for over a year without much luck). The problem is that it's not in a field where I'd like to stay, and it's not in a company where I see much possibility for upward movement or a career.

We're mostly living here because it's his hometown and his family is here. He's worried about his grandma and wants to be close to her (though if we lived where I was happy, it wouldn't be that hard to come here to visit her).

Well, we aren't married because we're poor. I don't know if I'd say yes if he proposed right now either... since I don't want to be stuck here. Even though I've been bugging him about it for a couple years now.

I'm hoping to give him the "I'm moving, come if you want" speech probably within the next year...

I think part of the reason I'm stuck here is that we made a deal that whoever got a job first we'd move to that city. He got one here, and lost it literally the same day I got mine, and we were on a year lease.
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:iconpuppy-dangerous:
puppy-dangerous Featured By Owner Dec 10, 2012  Professional Artisan Crafter
Sorry, missed the job part.

For the marriage while being poor, we did a really simple little ceremony in our back yard. The cake was the most expensive part, and it was only a couple hundred dollars (my mom insisted on buying it). We did our own decorations and stuff, and got an ordained relative to do the official ceremony.

We picked up and moved once to someplace really crappy for me some years ago for near the same reason- he had family down there. And it was 2 hours from the beach, so we could day trip down there. Then my husband lost the job he had, it turned out that a big company had just gone under and there were thousands of people needing jobs, it sucked.

Wound up with me living down there with the kid, since I had a part time job, and him moving back 'home' to help out renovating a house and other stuff in hopes we would be able to afford to move back here.

Yeah, that lasted about 6 months before I had a nervous breakdown, dropped everything, threw what I could fit from our apartment in the car and drove back here for good.
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:icondarkanddefiant:
darkanddefiant Featured By Owner Dec 9, 2012
but, she does have a job. :o
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:icondzine9:
dzine9 Featured By Owner Dec 9, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
tl;dr....but part of your depression is that Rocky Horror doesn't perform often enough?
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:iconstaple-salad:
staple-salad Featured By Owner Dec 9, 2012
It's more than preforming, it's the lack of alternative culture.

And just an hour up the road in the city I grew up with and want to move to, bagpipe playing Gandalf unicycles through downtown.
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:icondivine--apathia:
divine--apathia Featured By Owner Dec 9, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
Is there anywhere near the city you'd be able to visit, that might be more interesting?

I live in a small, boring city, but the capital city of my state is 40 minute train ride, so that's where I do most of my socializing :shrug:
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:iconstaple-salad:
staple-salad Featured By Owner Dec 9, 2012
Not really. The nearest stuff that I'm interested in is about an hour drive away. There are a few things in the city that are OK, like a dine-in movie theater with $5 new release movies, but outside the city is kinda hicksville.

I live in the capitol city in my state. It's actually arguably the second largest city (depends on whether you want to count university students). =p
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:iconaret:
Aret Featured By Owner Dec 9, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Can you look for jobs in other cities? Doesn't sound like anything is keeping you there, and you're miserable. I know how that feels, I felt the same about my last city, and sent myself into a preposterous amount of debt to leave it. I don't recommend that route, obviously, but there has to be something you can do to move. And see if there's any day to day temp agencies. Your boyfriend should be trying hard to find a job, of course, but while he looks there might be something he can do to bring a little income in.

I'm here for you too, if you ever want to rant. I know the feeling of being trapped, it's horrible, but you're not alone. :hug:
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