hello, I am a counselor, and spiritual person. You just have to look at the whole picture, and weigh out all your options. Most choices in life are tough, but you have to walk through the pain before it gets better. You can email me your full story. or just to vent ..or at firstname.lastname@example.org So I can get a better look at how to better help you.
I have a job right now and that's part of it since the economy has hit us pretty hard (he's been looking for over a year without much luck). The problem is that it's not in a field where I'd like to stay, and it's not in a company where I see much possibility for upward movement or a career.
We're mostly living here because it's his hometown and his family is here. He's worried about his grandma and wants to be close to her (though if we lived where I was happy, it wouldn't be that hard to come here to visit her).
Well, we aren't married because we're poor. I don't know if I'd say yes if he proposed right now either... since I don't want to be stuck here. Even though I've been bugging him about it for a couple years now.
I'm hoping to give him the "I'm moving, come if you want" speech probably within the next year...
I think part of the reason I'm stuck here is that we made a deal that whoever got a job first we'd move to that city. He got one here, and lost it literally the same day I got mine, and we were on a year lease.
For the marriage while being poor, we did a really simple little ceremony in our back yard. The cake was the most expensive part, and it was only a couple hundred dollars (my mom insisted on buying it). We did our own decorations and stuff, and got an ordained relative to do the official ceremony.
We picked up and moved once to someplace really crappy for me some years ago for near the same reason- he had family down there. And it was 2 hours from the beach, so we could day trip down there. Then my husband lost the job he had, it turned out that a big company had just gone under and there were thousands of people needing jobs, it sucked.
Wound up with me living down there with the kid, since I had a part time job, and him moving back 'home' to help out renovating a house and other stuff in hopes we would be able to afford to move back here.
Yeah, that lasted about 6 months before I had a nervous breakdown, dropped everything, threw what I could fit from our apartment in the car and drove back here for good.
Not really. The nearest stuff that I'm interested in is about an hour drive away. There are a few things in the city that are OK, like a dine-in movie theater with $5 new release movies, but outside the city is kinda hicksville.
I live in the capitol city in my state. It's actually arguably the second largest city (depends on whether you want to count university students).
Can you look for jobs in other cities? Doesn't sound like anything is keeping you there, and you're miserable. I know how that feels, I felt the same about my last city, and sent myself into a preposterous amount of debt to leave it. I don't recommend that route, obviously, but there has to be something you can do to move. And see if there's any day to day temp agencies. Your boyfriend should be trying hard to find a job, of course, but while he looks there might be something he can do to bring a little income in.
I'm here for you too, if you ever want to rant. I know the feeling of being trapped, it's horrible, but you're not alone.
I want to, but my boyfriend is completely adamant about staying here because "he can't get a job in [the city I want to live in]" (he's looked for like 10 jobs there and literally hundreds here... so I don't know where his logic is coming from). But he's afraid to move because his grandma lives in this city and she's in declining health. And I think in some ways it's fair to stay, BUT I don't like feeling like I'm stuck here waiting for someone I love to die, AND the city I want to move to is just about an hour drive away, so if she took a turn or something we could easily be here quickly.
The other unfortunate thing is I'm afraid that he's going to find a job here, then I'm double-stuck. I wouldn't mind living on my own for a little while, so part of me is thinking of just moving without him in about a year if he doesn't want to come.
He has been picking up a little money on the side (totaling like $200 over the last year) helping a friend with a business. I don't know if he could/would do the temp agency thing, I had to bug him for months to get a volunteer job so his resume isn't empty, but he also doesn't drive which has been limiting.
Have you talked to him about your feelings? Love is wonderful and all, but if you're in that dire straits, he should be willing to make some compromise for your well being. Maybe even a new city, where neither of you have been before? Make a new start somewhere that you can both agree has better prospects for the future.
The thing about crying is that you can't let it end there. You have to cry for a while, then grab a tissue and continue talking, or you get nowhere. Because you really need to find something you can both handle, since this current situation is just going to destroy you, and possibly your relationship if you become resentful enough.
Good point. I think sometime he and I really need to sit down and talk about things. I plan to bring it up again if his most recent job prospect doesn't work out. If it does then I'll wait until closer to summer when my depression is about to get really bad (work gets 10x more stressful and feels incredibly understaffed, on top of that I think I get SAD in the summer) and see if I can do the "I'm leaving come with me if you want".
The sad thing is that I'm already getting really resentful of him. To the point that I can't have sex or anything anymore without wanting to cry (TMI! WHEE!).
There, see? You've put a lot of time and work and presumably love into this relationship over the years. It would be terrible to damage it because of poor communication. I think if you can get across how bad this is for you, and propose some options, then the two of you can compromise. Just make sure to keep it really neutral. You don't want to be accusing or aggressive, since you'll just make him defensive and you won't get anywhere. Stick to talking about how you feel and what you would like to do about it.
Also, never mind TMI. You should hear some of the conversations I have with my best friend about her relationship problems. XD