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December 7, 2012
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My mom hates my boyfriend

:iconpirate-marylin-the-m:
Pirate-Marylin-the-M Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2012   Traditional Artist
Let me start by saying that I love my mother, she is a really kind and good person, but about this topic she is driving me mad.

I have had two boyfriends up till now. The first relationship lasted a year and the second one I am still in (we had our 2 year anniversary a couple of months ago :)).

My mom hates my boyfriends. She hated the first one and she hates my current boyfriend. Every time I talk about my boyfriend she starts making these weird comments and very hurtful jokes. Especially with my first boyfriend this made me sad. I wanted support, my mom to be happy for me, and telling me funny stories about how she met my dad. Instead she picked every opportunity to make very clear she detested my boyfriend (and me for making the choice to have a boyfriend).
Also my boyfriend is only allowed to visit once in 3 months or so (less is even better).
I tried so many times to ask for an explanation or tell her that her behavior is hurtful to me, but nothing changed and she dodged all my questions concerning the topic.

At first I made up explanations and excuses for my momís behavior like: she is being protective of me. This was until my little sister showed up with a boyfriend, which was pampered by my mom and invited to our house on a regular base. This made me mad. I confronted her, but got nothing.
It got so bad, at one point, that I decided that I would not come home for half a year. My mom was really devastated by this, but I had to hear this from my little sister.

I really, really donít get why my mom acts this way. My sister had had over 7! boyfriends up till now, with most of them turning out to be real jerks! Still my sisters boyfriends are all invited into the house and are welcome, while mine apparently are not welcome at all.

I and my boyfriend have made plans to move in together, but I have not had the courage to tell my parents, since I am afraid my mom is going to freak out again and break my heart with the stuff she trows at me when she is in such a mood.

I am really tired of this battle. Can someone please help me with either some advice to accept this and move on, or some advice that helps me getting the truth from my mom.
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Devious Comments

:icon2lazy2talk:
2lazy2talk Featured By Owner Dec 9, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
your mom has nothing to do it. The sooner you stop giving her comments any type of importance the better.
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:iconavenvia:
Avenvia Featured By Owner Dec 8, 2012  Student Writer
It sounds like a very strange situation, I'll admit. Obviously there has to be something about either you or both your boyfriends that she's not comfortable. It can't be that you're too young in her mind if she's fine with your sister having boyfriends.

Could you or your sister ask other people you know about your current boyfriend and your ex? Is there something about them that puts people off that only your mother is blunt enough to mention?

Alternatively, all I can really think of is that it might be something about you. She might think that you're moving too fast or getting too serious too young (if your sister has had lots of boyfriends, I assume the same isn't true of her). It could even be something borderline irrational, that she won't even admit to herself, like that she feels like your boyfriends are taking your affection and attention away from her.
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:iconlightning-13:
lightning-13 Featured By Owner Dec 8, 2012  Professional General Artist
Dunnu if I'm right about this, but maybe, there is a chance that your mom is being like this by fear of losing you? no matter how many boyfriends your little sister has, she is younger than you, and perhaps your mom doesn't really take it seriously? it's more cozy, more sweet, you know? while in your case, you say that you will move in soon, you take life seriously and you have goals etc, and this is frightening her, she is afraid to lose her daughter. She doesn't want you to leave, so she tells you that all your boyfriends are jerks so that you let him go and stay with her. I'm sure it's just a phase, one day she will realize that you have your own life and can't spend the rest of your life with her. I used to have many quarrels with my parents, especially when I first told them I had met someone I liked. They wanted to move somewhere far away so it would be nearly impossible for me to see him again. My dad threatened to kill him if I ever spoke to him again and my mom teased me about him. Today, she just wants me to be happy, she has another perspective, so whoever I want, she accepts him. And my dad doesn't really care since he thinks I'm old enough to do whatever I want.
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:iconzodiacgal:
zodiacgal Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Aw man, that sucks.

Well, I think all in all, you should do what makes YOU happy. It's your life, and you can take control of it. If you're happy with your boyfriend and your mom doesn't approve, then you need to ask yourself this: Is it more important to make my mom happy and me sad, or to make myself happy and have your mom criticize your bf? YOUR happiness is what matters, and if it makes you happy to move in with your bf, then go on ahead!
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:iconpirate-marylin-the-m:
Pirate-Marylin-the-M Featured By Owner Dec 8, 2012   Traditional Artist
Thank you. I'll try to keep this advice in mind when dealing with this situation :)
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:iconebolabears:
EbolaBears Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2012
I think you need to play the game and give her crazy things to ponder.

Tell your mom how you and your man are swingers.
Talk about all the bondage gear you two bought over the weekend.
Ask her where she best thinks the branding should go (you know, burning a brand into your skin).
Say you two are going to prostitute your way across Europe.
Tell her you need a good video recorder for X-Mas so your sex tapes look good online.

If your mother is a grumpy person you're not going to change her with words.
If you move in with your man and have a good healthy relationship, you do not need her approval or understanding.
If you just ignore her taunts and whining and go on with your life she might just shut up after a while because she's not getting a reaction out of you.
Maybe even include your dad in activities and leave mom home. That way she can feel like she's missing out.
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:iconpirate-marylin-the-m:
Pirate-Marylin-the-M Featured By Owner Dec 8, 2012   Traditional Artist
xD That's funny!
I really like your idea to include my dad in fun days out and leave my mom at home.
Thank you for your response (which made me laugh :P) and advice :)
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:iconebolabears:
EbolaBears Featured By Owner Dec 9, 2012
If you take dad out with you and the man, it's not really a punishment for your mother. You're just making it known that you're not interested in her negativity.
That way, if she changes her tune you could possibly involve mother too.

Good luck!:hug:
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:iconpuppy-dangerous:
puppy-dangerous Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2012  Professional Artisan Crafter
lol sorry, it's not funny, but it's very typical.

I think moving out is probably the way to go at this point. When I moved out, (lol and in with boyfriend- or rather, we got a house together) I didn't go back to my moms for almost 2 years. She saw our house maybe once. I didn't even talk to her.

It's better now.

Nah, don't worry about it. Nobody will ever be the person she wants for you. When I told my mom I was getting married (this was almost 10 years ago) she actually looked to the sky and wailed 'Nooooooo!'

About her liking your sisters bf, well, that's just something that happens. If they are all jerks, well, then she and your sister both are bad judges of character.

Now she LOVES my husband and says we are the best couple she's ever seen.
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:iconpirate-marylin-the-m:
Pirate-Marylin-the-M Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2012   Traditional Artist
That must really have sucked big time! That your mom reacted that way. Did you not feel sad about how your mom reacted? And if so, how did you resolve those feelings. Cause that is what bothers me the most (I guess); just not being able to let go of the feeling that it sucks my mom reacts like that.

It is weird how your mother just came around like that. I really hope it does not take my mom that long, cause I actually like my mom a lot, except for this part.

I am glad it did work out for you in the end, although its saddening it took her that long :/
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:iconpuppy-dangerous:
puppy-dangerous Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2012  Professional Artisan Crafter
I was pretty upset with her. But I just had to go 'well, this makes ME happy, and if you don't want to be part of it that's your problem.'

It was worse when I told her I was pregnant (this was almost 10 years ago). She flipped out. And I was just kind of going 'yeah, well, I'm in my 20s, in a stable relationship, and we want to start a family. I'm not asking you if it's OK for me to get pregnant, I'm telling you that you are gonna have a grandbaby.'

I think eventually she just realized that we do work really well together. Despite what all logic would say. We are pretty much two parts of a working person- we both have all these issues but they are opposites. So the weakness of one is the strength of the other. And since we both have all these issues, we are both understanding of eachother. He has his little things, I have my little things, funky habits and behaviours and whatnot, and- as one of my friends put it so well- "you're just like: 'whatever'.". We nudge eachother around when we need to- if one of us gets in some sort of destructive behavior or something, but for the most part it doesn't matter. I'm not going to change him, he's not going to change me, and that is fine.


She started in with all this 'Oh, but you'll never get to have all these relationships and date other people and...' basically, in her opinion, I hadn't slept around enough. Or...something. I dunno. Maybe it was because he wasn't an artist (which he is, actually, he paints minis and does little models) or his family was 'low class' or...whatever.

She's got issues and says stuff all the time that doesn't make sense, not to long ago she told me that the horse breeding operation she'd been trying to convince my dad to help her fund (which he did) for years was something HE purchased and then forced her to run. So who knows.
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:iconpirate-marylin-the-m:
Pirate-Marylin-the-M Featured By Owner Dec 8, 2012   Traditional Artist
Thanks for sharing your story with me.
It sounds like some solid advice to just go with whatever makes you happy instead of others, and I 'll definitely try to keep this in mind :)
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:iconwitwitch:
witwitch Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2012  Student Writer
Does your mom say why it is that she doesn't like your boyfriend?
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:iconpirate-marylin-the-m:
Pirate-Marylin-the-M Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2012   Traditional Artist
No, unfortunately she wont tell me (or my sister, who also tried to talk to her about this) why.
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:iconwitwitch:
witwitch Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2012  Student Writer
That's pretty random, then. It must be something, otherwise she wouldn't have a reason to dislike your boyfriend and like your sister's.
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:iconpirate-marylin-the-m:
Pirate-Marylin-the-M Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2012   Traditional Artist
Pretty random and extremely frustrating.
Maybe I am naive in this, but I think it would be so much more bearable if I knew why she was acting this way.
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:iconwitwitch:
witwitch Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2012  Student Writer
Is she rather superficial? Maybe she doesn't like him for a stupid reason and doesn't want to admit it, like the way he looks or something.
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:iconpirate-marylin-the-m:
Pirate-Marylin-the-M Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2012   Traditional Artist
I never would characterize my mom as superficial. In contrary. She raised us to not look at appearance and be open-minded. (That does not mean you are wrong tho, I just do not believe this is the case.)
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:iconwitwitch:
witwitch Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2012  Student Writer
Hmmm. That is really odd.
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:iconnonecansee:
nonecansee Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2012  Hobbyist
Wow. I'm feel bad for you and your situation. :hug:

I too have over protective parents but they eventually came around to the idea of their little girl having a serious relationship.

My current boyfriend and I are about to reach the 3 years of being together and our respective parents are now used to that.

Hmm, I wonder if your mom might dislike the kinds of boyfriends you've been with. Maybe their appearance or manner of speaking. I know it sounds shallow but perhaps your mom only wants to be impressed by your current boyfriend.

When my boyfriend and I were just starting out, he tried his very best to be polite and courteous to my parents whenever he came over to my house. It more or less follows our cultural tradition that the boy must court the girl, and to do that, he must appeal to the girl's parents (and it's really just being respectful to someone else's parents, haha). Eventually, my parents were less suspicious of my boyfriend (but not completely, haha).

I don't know how these things are done in your society but it does well to play by your cultural norm. I'm also not sure if courtship is a cultural constant across all kinds of cultures but perhaps your boyfriend must also do his part to convince your mom that he's the guy for you, that you and he are serious and that he'll take care of you.

It also helps not to ask your mom about her justifications in an annoyed or demanding tone because she might just avoid it again. Perhaps it helps if you mollify her a bit, treat her to a spa, get her to relax and have a little bonding session so you can gently bring up the question about her behavior.

Those are just my two cents. I wish you all the best.
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:iconpirate-marylin-the-m:
Pirate-Marylin-the-M Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2012   Traditional Artist
Thanks ^^ It really helps to hear from other people who have dealt with the same problem :) And it does help to hear that your parents eventually came around. It gives me hope c:

It’s a fair question. And I have wondered the same. My ex was a big guy who was a bit of a farmer (that’s how we call it :P), he was polite, but could be a bit familiar from time to time (especially when he noticed my mom did not like him, which made him nervous). I pressed him to always bring a present when visiting my parents, and he did. But it did not work.

My current boyfriend has a foreign appearance, but I never have noticed my parents being racist or something. He is extremely polite, always dresses up nicely, brings presents and is extremely aware of what he says when in present of my parents. It did not help thus far.

I tried mollify my mom before asking her why she doesn’t like my boyfriend (or that is was perhaps more a matter, of me dating). I helped her out in the house, made her tea and more like that. But as soon as I bring up the topic she shuts her mouth and her whole appearance chances.

Also I asked my little sister several times, to talk to my mom about the topic (since my sister is way better in this kind of stuff than I am :P), but she also came up empty-handed.
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